Dishwasher Also Dish Cabinet

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

PITTSBURGH — A breakthrough in domestic living was achieved this week at a three-bedroom Allentown apartment, where through some astute analysis, rationalizing, and careful rebranding, residents converted the unit’s dishwasher into a dish cabinet.

“I was stoked to finally move into a place with a dishwasher, because washing by hand is the absolute worst,” said resident David McPherson. “And it gets them spotless, but you still have to unload everything, which is a total pain in the ass. And like, most of it isn’t even mine. So, I figured it’d be way easier if we just pulled plates and whatnot out of the dishwasher whenever we needed them.”

Fellow resident Aimee Berdan said she was initially skeptical of McPherson’s proposal but soon realized the time-saving advantages of the “Washer-Cabinet Initiative.”

“Our cabinets are really big, and it felt pretty weird to not have anything in them except a couple boxes of cereal and a half-empty bottle of Crown Royal,” Berdan said, “But Dave made a good point about how long it takes to unload the dishwasher. Like, we ran in on Tuesday night and it was still full the next morning. It’s way easier this way. I just wish I wasn’t the only one who remembered to actually run it.”

Experts believe this development could lead to further breakthroughs in both renters and homeowners alike realizing greater potential from their appliances.

“While the dishwasher might have seemed like a miracle of convenience when it was first introduced, its design failed to account for the universal truth that unloading is an exhausting, tedious task,” said consumer products expert James Schafer. “For decades, people have been beset by the cruel irony of their dishwasher betraying them when they need it the most. But these sharp minds have learned to work with their dishwasher, not against it. And in the process, they may very well have started a revolution, one which will save us perhaps dozens of hours every year.”

Unavailable for comment was third resident Shelby Graham, a staunch advocate of exclusively using the sink and the area underneath her bed for dish storage.

Oh, You’re An R.E.M Fan? Name Three Over The Counter Supplements For Joint Pain

Posted on by Dan Rice

Oh really you’re a “big fan” of R.E.M? Forgive me for seeming incredulous, but your poser ass doesn’t fit the bill.

Maybe you caught a glimpse of the “Loosing My Religion” video mommy and daddy were watching when you were young and the old angel guy (based on “A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings” by Gabriel García Márquez, not that you knew,) freaked you out and fascinated you. But that doesn’t make you a fan. What makes you an R.E.M fan is age-induced joint pain.

So how about it poser? Can you name three supplements that help with the pain you feel getting out of bed every morning now? I thought not.

Have you even listened to Chronic Town? Do you even drink Sleepy Time tea? Pffft, fuck outta here.

Glucosamine, okay, that’s one. Everyone knows that one though, come on. Glucosamine is basically the “It’s The End of The World as We Know It” of over the counter joint pain supplements. You probably just heard about it in some TV show like “The OC” or whatever the fuck is on now.

You’re gonna have to prove yourself more if you wanna go around calling yourself a fan of R.E.M. Come on dude, name one song off of “Monster” besides “What’s The Frequency Kenneth?” Name three phone numbers you know by heart. Show me your AARP card, something!

Oh, you own the original cut of “Radio Free Europe” on vinyl? Big deal. Where is the ziploc baggie of snacks you carry around in case your blood sugar gets too low? What’s your mildly cringy at best take on critical race theory? Why do you smile like you’ve never gone through a divorce? You say you’re an R.E.M fan, but you’re just too green. And no, not 1988’s “Green” featuring such hits as “Stand” and “Orange Crush,” and no you don’t get points for having that right in the chamber.

Now, are you gonna help me cross this street or not?

Drunk Friend Somehow Makes It Past Three Separate Locked Doors To Vomit On Stack of Freshly Laundered Clothes

Posted on by James Knapp

MORGANTOWN, W.V. — Self-proclaimed party animal Derek Plomchock astounded friends and roommates by somehow surpassing three sturdily locked doors and projectile vomiting into a laundry basket of pristinely folded clothes, confirmed impressed but pissed-off sources.

“Those clothes were still warm from the dryer — now they’re covered in macaroni, Jager, and what looks to be a bunch of small pieces of chewed-up cardboard. Fucking great!” exclaimed laundry owner Lis Dermainpsy while preparing for a second trip to the laundromat. “I don’t even know how he managed to get into my room in the first place. All the house doors were locked and I even have a deadbolt in my bedroom to prevent exactly this thing from happening. It took more skill and effort for [Plomchock] to fuck up my whole week than I’ve seen him put into anything else.”

Plomchock attempted to recount the series of events that led to the regurgitation.

“I was just, like, ‘who is it’ and, then there was a wood guy, he… uh, maybe it was a long stick… I tried to turn it, but no, too much high up. Shots!” slurred Plomchock with some vomit spittle still dripping from his chin. “Oh man. That was a whole so lot of stairs. Nothing making me go… but so clean. Thinking it was bathroom… make it pooped too.”

Professional locksmith Polly Frieps explained how the severely intoxicated have an almost preternatural ability to access intentionally secure locations.

“I’ve been in this business for more than thirty years and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some drunk asshole MacGyver their way somewhere secure, beyond all sense of reason or ability,” said Frieps who offers classes through her website on how to “Drunk Proof” a home. “It’s kind of disheartening in some ways. I apprenticed in this trade for so long to provide a service, but apparently all I need to do was slam a couple of forties before every shift and I’ll never let a customer down.”

At press time, Plomchock, who had so recently shown great acumen in overcoming locked areas, was struggling to pull the top off of a can of pineapple slices to eat.

Photo by Jana Miller.

“Stranger Things” Kids Aging Faster Than Normal Children Just to Make You Feel Old

Posted on by Matt McInerney

LOS ANGELES — Viewers of the popular Netflix show “Stranger Things” are reportedly complaining that the child stars are aging too fast, making them feel older than they are, sources painfully aware of their own mortality confirmed.

“I’ve been watching since season one, and I remember those cute little faces like it was yesterday,” you said while mumbling under your breath. “It’s only a few years later, and suddenly they are full-grown adults. I swear those kids aged twice as fast as I did. This is some sort of conspiracy to make me feel old, right? Maybe the rumors are true that these kids were created in a laboratory. It certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing Hollywood has done to child actors.”

“Stranger Things” star Millie Bobby Brown responded to the often-repeated complaint about the alleged rapid aging of the show’s young cast.

“The idea that we’re aging faster than normal humans is ridiculous. I mean, that is to say, we are normal humans…obviously,” explained a visibly flustered Brown. “We’ve always been a little bit older than the characters we play. They would just dress us to look younger. Now we’re in our late teens, and you’re seeing us dress our age on the red carpet. It’s really easy to figure out, and there’s nothing conspiratorial about it. People who know us aren’t confused. In fact, my trusted friend Drake tells me I’m very mature for my age.”

However, In a shocking development, geneticist Hugo Golub held a press conference to reveal the truth.

“It’s all true, unfortunately. We’ve been genetically modifying child actors for decades. Sometimes we’re asked to slow down the aging for a long-running show. Sometimes we’re asked to speed it up to keep pace with a script’s timeline,” explained a visibly shaken Golub. “But these experiments haven’t always been perfect, which is especially apparent as these child actors transition into adulthood. Mistakes were clearly made with early prototypes like Clint Howard. And then there’s Danny Bonaduce. We tried to keep him young and cute for too long, which left him no more than a walking ashtray in the later years of his life.”

At press time, onlookers could see ageless wonder Paul Rudd on the red carpet starting to sweat as he read news of this whistle-blower.

What Your Sex Dreams About The Cast Of Seinfeld Actually Mean, According To Science

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

It’s 3:00 am, and you just woke up from another Seinfeld dream. This time it was an erotic session of impact play with George Costanza. He had several issues with how you spanked his supple flesh, but the complaining only made it hotter. Wow, that was a wild one…but what does it mean?

While it may be “normal” and “healthy” to have sex dreams, it can also feel confusing to have them about actors from an incredibly successful ’90s sitcom. That’s why we asked a psychologist to shed light on what your sheet-staining fantasies about the cast of Seinfeld actually mean, according to science!

Jerry Seinfeld
If you’re making late-night love with the show’s namesake, then you’re probably more on the vanilla side. Studies have shown that sex dreams about Jerry Seinfeld reflect a subconscious desire for a lover that makes pointed observations about what’s going on in the bedroom. They want to be told “what the deal is” every step of the way from foreplay to climax. And who can blame them?

George Costanza
Have you experienced the timeless art of seduction first-hand? You’re not alone, as erotic dreams about Seinfeld’s beloved neurotic character are shockingly common. According to several peer-reviewed studies, sex dreams about George Costanza are the mind’s way of processing insecurities into a surprisingly enjoyable sexual experience. “Everything George fears, we fear. By dreaming about his shrinkage, we find ways to deal with our own shrinkage as well”, said Dr. Lawrence Davidson.

Elaine Benes
Having a steamy romance with Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ iconic character may sound great, but recent studies have shown that individuals with any kind of sexual fantasy about Elaine Benes have a 60% higher chance of having intimacy issues in real-life. Who would’ve thought dreaming of Elaine giving you a personal little kick dance could have such dark implications?

Cosmo Kramer
You’re sick in the head. Absolutely fucked. Get some help.

Newman
There’s nothing better than being snapped in half like a slutty slim jim by your girthy nemesis, right? According to data collected by the Wayne Knight Institute of Newman Studies, Newman-based orgasms have nearly tripled this past year!

Scientists believe these kinds of sex dreams are the mind’s way of coping with the death impulse. Newman represents pure masculine energy, raw power, and impressive cunning. All these elements explain why four out of every five people you meet have had toe-curling Newmangasm within the past 24-hours. Guilty as charged!

Review: SeeYouSpaceCowboy “The Romance of Affliction”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

San Diego sibling-led sasscore quintet SeeYouSpaceCowboy dropped their second album “The Romance of Affliction” last November, and this Pride Month we are here to review their ambitious and emotionally honest new project. Mostly because we’re fairly sure the frontwoman is a lesbian, and we’ve been trained by the algorithm to shoehorn all our vaguely gay content into a four-week period, but don’t tell anyone that.

The band’s namesake is, of course, taken directly from the end card of the classic 1997 anime “Cowboy Bebop.” The soundtrack to “Bebop” is primarily attributed to Japanese big band outfit Seatbelts and composer Yoko Kanno. If you’ve heard anything by them, it is probably the “Bebop” theme song “Tank!,” a deeply catchy jazz number that has a way of entrenching itself in your head for pretty much eternity.

“Tank!” really rips, to be honest, and while sitting down to write this review, I found myself humming along to the iconic saxophone melody. It was super hard to focus on this so I wound up just kind of throwing on the first season of the anime in the background to get my “Tank!” fix every 20 minutes or so, but unfortunately I just wound up watching the show intently instead of listening to the album I’m supposed to be reviewing.

I have decided that instead of reviewing “The Romance of Affliction,” which I’m sure is very good, I’ll instead be doing an in-depth analysis of what exactly makes “Tank!” tick, from a music theory perspective. And instead of writing, I’ll be doing it via podcast, because everyone has a podcast and frankly I love hearing myself talk.

Welcome to The Yoko (Kanno) Factor, a musical analysis podcast dedicated to picking apart the intersection between the one anime I genuinely like and its opening theme song that I can’t stop thinking about. The YKF is a passion project entirely self-funded, so be sure to subscribe to my Patreon at any tier level to support independent content creation!

(Editor’s note: Colleen was promptly fired for attempting to plug an unsanctioned podcast in the middle of a very important album review. We apologize to anyone who was harmed by this piece – The Hard Times Staff)

SCORE: 3/2/1 let’s jam

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Punk Band Avoids Selling Out by Never Getting Better or Popular

Posted on by Chester Stillwater

CINCINNATI — Local punk band Goattica has steadfastly resisted selling out over the years by never improving as musicians or developing any semblance of a fanbase, confirmed sources close to the terrible band.

“We’re true to our punk roots and we feel that any growth musically, spiritually, or even physically is equivalent to selling out. Success isn’t as important to us as maintaining our integrity,” said lead singer Ryan “Surly” Koppel, speaking from the mostly-empty apartment where he has lived for 15 years. “We don’t even practice our songs because that’s exactly what the corporate fat cats running major labels want from their bands. People who try too much are losers. And the audience can fuck right off, we don’t need them to feel good about ourselves.”

Greg Barber, a longtime scene veteran, and bartender at Soapy Malone’s had his own opinion on the band.

“I used to like them, I mean I was at their first three shows and they were pretty sick. But they were always such assholes. When I tried to tell the drummer I liked their set he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘don’t you ever say anything like that again or I’ll kill your pets,’” said Barber. “Another time I saw them throw a whiskey bottle at a girl and I think she lost her eye. Just because she yelled out ‘woo’ between songs.’ What I first thought was free-form punk rock and a give-no-shits attitude turned out to be a lack of talent and hatred of the people who supported and encouraged them.”

Local scene legend “Scurvy” Sam Steed, founder of Scurveball Records, says bands like Goattica are only fooling themselves.

“Them? Sell out?!? Nobody’s offering that band a record deal,” said Steed. “They’re terrible, and not in a fun way. Why do so many of these losers come up with their album art and stage personas before they’ve even written a song? Now you take a band like Glitterslit, they play bad music, but they love the fans and the fans love them. Those guys are so much fun to be around that I’ll always be glad to see them, even if they’re awful. Goattica could fall in a crevasse and nobody would notice.”

Goattica plans to further isolate themselves in the scene by constantly microwaving egg salad sandwiches in the practice space they share with seven other bands.

Equality Win: This Female Cop Was Given The Same Amount Of Paid Leave For Shooting An Unarmed Person As Her Male Counterparts

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Score one for feminism! Female officer Monica Kelly stuck it to the patriarchy and got the same amount of paid leave for shooting an unarmed person that a male cop would have been given without a fight. You go girl!

Kelly became the subject of national discussion when cell phone footage of her shooting a suspect 5 times in the back went viral. She could have backed down and accepted the original offer of two weeks paid leave pending an investigation, when a MAN would have been offered six. Instead, this #girlboss stood her ground!

Of course it’s a tragedy that the guy she shot died, especially since he wasn’t resisting arrest and it turned out the object he was holding was a book and not a gun. But at least he’ll go down in history as an important player in this huge win for workplace gender equality.

For too long we’ve been sick and tired seeing all of these male cops getting paid for getting away with murder, when female cops have been stuck getting away with murder with little to no pay.

It was as if the bullets from Kelly’s gun apparently went right through the 52-year-old father of three and into the glass ceiling, completely shattering it!

Kelly, who retired from the force following her paid leave, now spends her time as a political activist, NRA spokesperson, and influencer. Her Instagram account “Blue Life Babe” is up to 2.5 million followers and has inspired many young women to join the force.

She also volunteers her time helping other female cops in similar situations fight for the paid leave they’re entitled to after slaughtering a citizen they swore to serve and protect. What an inspiration!

Kelly’s book tour kicks off in August, to promote her highly anticipated autobiography “Stop Resisting and Give Me What’s Mine.” You can bet I’ll be taking my daughters to the book signing! My youngest lists Kelly as her greatest role model, and says she wants to be a cop herself one day. And if the day comes that she murders another human being in cold blood, I’ll sleep well at night knowing she knows how to get the paid leave she deserves.

Fun Uncle Regrets Every Life Choice He’s Ever Made

Posted on by James Knapp

TOLEDO, Ohio — Nieces and nephews of local fun uncle Dennis “The Dennster” Drindle were shocked recently to learn that Drindle regrets every last life experience that led him to this scornful hell of an existence, sources who have had their whole worldview shattered confirmed.

“Uncle Dennis has always been so cool. I used to wonder how it was that someone as boring as my mom could be related to someone as awesome as him. Unfortunately now I know the answer is because he was high on bath salts the entire time,” recounted nephew Mark Laredo. “It’s really made me think back on a lot of things with a new perspective, like that day he let me try beer for the first time. It thought it was so great, which is I guess why I missed the part where he said ‘quick, hold this for a minute. I can’t afford another DUI.’”

Drindle’s sister Cynthia Laredo detailed how Drindle came to be a “fun” uncle.

“Dennis has always been kind of a wild card, and sure, stealing candy and whatnot was fun when we were kids, but now we really need him to get his shit together. I just want to have him be able to house sit for one weekend without Animal Control having to get involved,” explained Laredo. “I’m not trying to be a killjoy here or anything. I’m hip too! But seriously, if he shows up to one more Thanksgiving with a date he met at the bus stop then he’s out of the fucking will.”

Drindle gave more insight into his own entirely regrettable existence.

“I just don’t understand how I got to this point. You think being a fun uncle is the coolest thing ever, then your bookie slashes your tires and you start to regret buying all those paintball guns for Christmas,” said Drindle while being forcibly removed from an area plasma clinic. “Last summer I tried to take the family on vacation to a timeshare I bought that turned out to just be a big hole in the ground filled with old shopping carts. Man, was there egg on my face that day. I guess that’s what I get for getting real estate advice from my DMT dealer.”

At press time, Drindle had bought his niece a pony despite her never having asked for it and not wanting or having space or time to accommodate one.

We’re Gonna Go Against The Grain And Say We Need A Disney Prince Whose Incredibly Hung, Like To The Point Where It’s A Problem For Him

Posted on by Dan Rice

Okay hear us out. Lately there’s been a lot of hoopla over-representation in Disney films. People have finally figured out that the true path to social equality is getting giant corporate monstrosities to pander to them from time to time, yes! Unfortunately, one demographic has been left out of the conversation. I’m talking about men with penises so large that it encumbers their daily lives.

Now maybe you’re thinking “What the hell does a dude big fat hog need a Disney movie for, his life must rule.” Well that’s the exact sort of ignorance we need to fight against!

Think of the back problems you would get lugging a friggin Evian bottle around all day like that. Think of how hard it must be to find clothes that fit right. Think of the circulation issues!

My brother has a huge one-eyed monster and he says he can’t even do it standing up or he’ll pass out from the lack of blood flow to his brain! It’s hard for him to even get hard all the way, and sure, his half-mast is enough to give anyone the time of their life, but what about his enjoyment?

My brother is really cool.

This is in no way an attempt to undermine Disney’s recent swings at inclusion. I thought “Encanto” was a triumph, and all of my sexually fluid half fish friends felt “seen” by “Luca,” which is a wonderful thing.

I’m just saying that overly endowed men also deserve a seat at the table. Preferably a seat with extra room to spread out because let’s face it, these fellas are PACKIN!

Lin-Manuel Miranda is peaking as we speak. If we want equality, true equality, it is only fair that we commission him to write songs about inconveniently hung men while he is still at the height of his creative prowess. Maybe something vaguely in the ballpark of Tupac’s “California” about what it’s like to be swinging a baby arm around in your shorts all goddamn day.

Here’s my pitch — Disney’s Manspread. A prince is born with a dick so massive that his mother dies in childbirth (think Bambi.) Everyone in the palace, despite his warmhearted nature, hates him because they’re always tripping over his big ole dong. His only friends are a talking monkey, an enchanted codpiece and some birds who help him carry that thing around when he’s tired. Dejected, he goes into exile where he befriends and joins up with a traveling troupe of sexually over-endowed circus performers. Meanwhile a big scary monster is attacks the kingdom and the prince beats it to death with his wang and then everyone loves him.

I’ll admit it needs work, but hey, I’m no writer. I’m just a kid whose cool older brother is always talking about how his dick is so big it’s a problem who wants to help.