Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

I’m America Sober: No Drugs or Alcohol but Shoot Someone Every 15 Minutes

Posted on July 26, 2022 by Tracy Kellett

Let’s face it, we have a problem here in America, and it’s spiraling out of control. We see it on the news every day, a disgusting epidemic that is impacting all of us, running rampant everywhere from our schools, grocery stores, hell even our churches. I know it goes without saying, but I’m obviously talking about alcohol and drug abuse.

I did my part and finally broke free from the chains of addiction in the most American way possible: skipping rehab, thereby saving thousands in insurance premiums, and buying an ArmaLite AR-15 on credit with Bass Pro Shop instead.

Now, in the moments I’d usually be lighting up a blunt alone in my basement while watching Strongbad on the wayback machine I just shoot someone every 15 minutes.

I know what you’re thinking — America sober? Like, not even a little weed now and then? You heard correct. I’m not some weak millennial who is trying to numb her legitimate pain from watching the world catch fire with narcotics anymore. Nor am I in the business of waiting around 45 minutes to see if the lemon poppyseed muffin my buddy Thad sold me at a gas station is going to kick in. I’m clean, strapped, and have minimal time to kill before I, well, kill.

I never even knew shooting hundreds of strangers on a daily, let alone hourly basis was even possible. I had resigned myself to smashing claws with my bruhs safely, in the comfort of my own home for the rest of my life. But America truly is the land of limitless, lawless possibilities, and once I realized you could buy ammo in bulk for dirt cheap the same way you could buy an 18 pack of Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas but without killing myself in the process, I was sold.

Now not only is my head clearer than it’s ever been, but I’ve also dropped those pesky 20 pounds I’ve been carrying around since college. I even made friends with my one neighbor who has Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” as his alarm ringtone.

Please don’t think I’m trying to shame those still struggling with addiction. Cold turkey isn’t for everyone. But I am living proof that you can channel those feelings of withdrawal into something more productive, or at the very least, more socially acceptable here in the states.

Feeling angry? You can take in a show at your local comedy club and knock out 4 shootings in one hour. Got the shakes? Go somewhere crowded. Amusement parks always have lines, and not just the kind I used to do before dropping off DoorDash orders.

I know it’s not for everybody, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that recreationally taking lives has literally saved my life.

Bassist Begins Head Nod Training at Local Gym

Posted on July 26, 2022 by Freelancer

PHOENIX, AZ – Local bassist Winston Crowe of punk band Sloppyfoot hit the gym to begin a new head nod training regimen which he hopes will take his live performances to the next level, sources who weren’t sure if he had the upper body strength to even get started confirmed.

“The $250 a month gym membership is totally worth it if it means I can finally attain some semblance of a stage presence as a result,” said Crowe while fixing himself a protein shake after a training session. “My personal trainer said it could take weeks if not months to hit my ideal head nod fitness goals. And while I’m already sore from the 15 minutes of work we did today, I can already feel my neck muscles getting ripped. Sure, I’ve been neglecting every other single body part in the gym, but that’s only because I don’t want to come across as one of those punks who cares about their health. I have an image to uphold.”

Frontman Jimmy Jackman appeared supportive of his bandmate’s can-do attitude.

“That guy is as motionless as a redwood tree on stage, so I’m excited that he’s finally doing something about it,” said Jackman while doing bicep curls to strengthen his microphone-lifting muscles. “I mean, when you’re on stage you can’t just stand there with your feet glued to a suspiciously sticky venue floor. You have to move around and at least appear somewhat energetic. But let’s be honest, we don’t want him to get too aggressive with his moves on stage. After all, I’m the star of the show so the crowd obviously has to focus on me. Nondescript head nods should be his goal and nothing more.”

Music historian Dara Greener has long studied the stage behavior of bassists.

“There’s a number of go-to moves that bassists prefer to use, but the head nod is an absolute classic,” said Greener. “Just think of all your favorite bass players throughout music history. Can’t think of any, right? That’s actually pretty normal. In that case, just think of Flea’s high energy on stage and picture the opposite of that for all other bassists. He’s kind of the exception. That’s because he played trumpet first. Trumpet players are known to go ape-shit on stage.”

At press time, Crowe ditched the training regimen altogether in favor of doing “head nod yoga” at home but continued to pay the outlandish monthly gym membership fee after failing to figure out how to cancel it.

This Band Was Better When I Was Still in It

Posted on July 26, 2022 by James Knapp

This band used to really rock. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even think they’re all that bad now. It’s just that their old stuff was way better when I, Smitty the bagpipes player, was still in the mix.

It’s not that I’m bitter or regretful that I’m not in the band anymore. I just honestly believe that this band was way better when they had their original lineup. Sure, music taste is subjective and this is just one absolute Adonis of a man’s opinion. But can’t we all agree on the indisputable fact that bagpipes are the heart and soul of freeform nu metal?

Again, it’s not that they’re bad now, per se. We just split due to creative differences as well as them changing all the locks on our practice space. I don’t want to knock them too hard though. I’m still open to the possibility of side projects.

The drummer and I had great chemistry in the way he would always make contact with the same spot on my skull when he threw his sticks at me and told me to fuck off during practice. Or our didgeridoo player. He got kicked out of the band the same day I did so he’s probably free to collab with.

Basically, these guys really aren’t half bad. But I just feel like they could be so much more. If only I could get in there for one or two more toots of the bag. Then they’d see. I really know how to lay down some pipe.

The Hard Times Submission Process

Posted on July 25, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

Want to write for The Hard Times?

We accept freelance pitches all the time. What we like to see is a knowledge of the punk scene, subculture, and topics that our audience can relate to. Send your packet to ideas@thehardtimes.net and keep reading for more info.

Send us 5 satire headlines and if we like what we see we will add you to our pitch group and you can start writing for us. Don’t be afraid to send multiple submissions if you don’t hear back the first time.

We get a lot of pitches so sometimes it can be tough to stand out from the pack. But we look forward to seeing what you come up with.

Maybe satirical headlines aren’t your thing but you have a deep knowledge of music and love a good list. Well, we’ve also begun posting more joke lists like…

100 Band Logos Ranked by How Much Better We Think They Are Than the Mona Lisa

Every Boss Pedal and Which Band Its Owners Desperately Wish They Were In

50 Famous Lead Singers Ranked by How Good of a Roommate I Think They’d Be

And we want to get more of those ideas, but shorter (these ones are super long). Pitch us some of those too!

Diehard Weezer Fan Eaten by Shark During Morning Commute

Posted on July 25, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

BELMAR, N.J. — The partial remains of self-proclaimed Weezer fanatic, Lance Figaro, were found washed up on the beach after it was suspected he was attacked and eaten by a bull shark while commuting to work via surfboard, traumatized beach rats confirmed.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” stated first-responder Harmony McRae. “These Weezer fans, Weezels, if you will, are always trying to ditch their car and surf to work. With rising fuel prices they think they can financially remain afloat but they don’t take into account that this sea is unforgiving and rolls like a thousand-pound keg. If you ask me, Rivers Cuomo has blood on his hands, and with how many jellyfish stings I have treated, pee on his leg too. Rivers has repeatedly tried to deny any wrongdoing, but if you ask me, these people should stay in their garages where it’s safe. Where they belong.”

Figaro’s co-worker at the beachside Twistee-Freeze, Skeeter Olsen, expressed explicit grief for the late co-worker.

“If I’m being real dude, I like totally wish he hadn’t been eaten by that shark,” a teary-eyed Olsen stated. “Don’t get me wrong, it definitely sucked to work with him since he was rarely on time and was either soaking wet or really stinky, but I’ve been working doubles for like a fuckin’ week dude. I miss seeing that dude show up with his surfboard in hand. Stinky or not, it always meant it was time for me to go home.”

“That could have been me, man. I guess it’s lucky I drive a car to work instead,” Olsen added.

Marine biologists across the east coast have warned the shark populations are experiencing undue stress under the current deluge of Weezer fans commuting themselves via tasty waves.

“There is no other way to put this; surfing to work is damaging these harmless and misunderstood creatures,” said Shelby Armstrong, the lead researcher at Adventure Aquarium. “A bull shark’s diet is carefully tailored to the fish it can run up onshore. Weezer fans have proven to be both tastier and easier to catch than the local fauna. It’s caused a major disruption in the shark’s migration patterns. Not to mention the plastic waste from the Buddy Holly glasses these people wear, it adds up to an ecological disaster.”

At press time, roommates of Figaro, are unsure how they will explain their friend’s death to his 18-year-old girlfriend who lives in a small city in Japan.

Oh, You Like the “Stranger Things” Soundtrack? Name 3 Modular Synth Configurations of Voltage Controlled Oscillators Routed Through a Moog 904A Low Pass Ladder Filter

Posted on July 25, 2022 by Sam Eardley

Oh, you like the “Stranger Things” soundtrack, huh? Yeah, it’s pretty nice. Modular synths, analog warmth — you’ve got to love those lush retro vibes.

But seriously, name 3 ways to make these sounds, or you’re not a real fan. Yeah, you heard me correctly. I’m saying that if you can’t explain the sonic architecture of these sounds then you literally didn’t hear them. All you heard was white noise. Although scratch that, white noise is actually a pretty nuanced concept that you wouldn’t understand.

Look, I’ll make it easy for you and give you your modules. Three oscillators: sine, sawtooth, triangle. Two ADSR envelope generators. And a filter, you can have the Moog 904A, I’m feeling generous. So all you have to do is connect the dots. You know, like a fucking child.

Did you hear how I pronounced “Moog” just now? You’re probably thinking “why is he saying Mogue”? How best to explain…I guess the main thing you need to understand is that you’re a know-nothing philistine dipshit. Hope that helps.

You don’t seem to be giving me any modular patches, so I guess you don’t like “Stranger Things” after all? Do you actually know anything at all about modular synthesis? Do you even know what “sending out clock” means? Do you know how to mod a spring reverb unit with a particularly tight coil of orange peel that came off in one piece? I do, and that’s why Modular Monthly called my latest EP “stultifying.”

And I suppose you’ve suddenly discovered that you love Kate Bush’s “Running Up That Hill”, right? Wrong. No you don’t. If you didn’t lose your house and marriage in 1985 after buying a $40,000 Fairlight CMI in a failed attempt to recreate that synth riff, then you can take that song right out of your fucking ears as well.

Look, I’m not saying that you’re forbidden to watch the show just because you can’t spot a self-resonating filter, or can’t understand how dual flip-flop chips work. But it can only really be a senseless jumble of stimuli to you — like a moth blundering repeatedly into a lightbulb, or a dog rubbing its genitals on a teddy bear.

Have I watched it all? Oh, absolutely not – only the first five minutes. They should’ve filmed it on a Super 8 film camera. Watching digital is like having three cats shit directly into my eyes.

Son, You’re 12 Now, It’s Time You Learned That Baseball Isn’t Real

Posted on July 25, 2022 by Ted Pillow

Timmy, I need to start treating you like the young man that you are. Hell, you’re practically a teenager. It’s time to grow up, give up on the fantasies of childhood, and embrace the cold realities of adulthood. And the truth is that you’re just way too goddamn old to still think baseball is real.

Sure, once upon a time baseball was real, back in the early days. But then the promoters realized they could make more money off it if they rigged the outcomes. Ever since we all kind of collectively agreed to suspend disbelief and cheer for the local team.

It’s just a made-up fantasy for kids, no different than “Be good for Santa!” or “Always wear your seatbelt!”

The games are predetermined, the umpires are in on the fix, and the players? They’re all actors pretending to compete for real. Oh, and they’re pretty much all addicted to steroids, booze, and cocaine. Almost all of the dudes who were doin’ it back in the 80s are already dead. It’s a pretty fucked up business, little buddy.

Look I’m not saying those guys aren’t talented, far from it! Baseball players are amazingly talented performers! Imagine what they go through keeping their bodies in that perfect dough-meets-muscle condition. Do you realize how much choreography goes into every play? Not to mention the crazy storylines they have to maintain! It’s sports entertainment son, it’s just its own thing.

I know this must be a shock. You’re the star of the Little League team! But, honestly, that’s because you’re the only one whose dad hasn’t told them yet. Didn’t you wonder why sometimes the pitcher throws the ball right down the middle for you? I was kind of hoping you’d figure it out for yourself, for Christ’s sake.

Hey, don’t worry, you can still play shortstop. Hell, you can still be a major leaguer! I mean, those guys live a grueling lifestyle and most of them never make it out of the minors. But, you never know, one out of every hundred or so winds up becoming a star, rich beyond their wildest dreams. Wouldn’t that be something!

Especially because, since we’re on the topic of things that aren’t real, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that college fund mom and I told you about.

Mysterious Package From Taliban Delivered to Supreme Court Determined to be Congratulatory Edible Arrangement

Posted on July 25, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — U.S. Marshals discovered a mysterious package outside of the Supreme Court which was later revealed to be an Edible Arrangement sent from Taliban officials who admire the court’s recent decisions, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“There hasn’t been much action around here lately,” said Officer Jacob Inverness. “I saw a package near the top of the steps that seemed suspicious. It had some Arabic markings and I thought it could be some sort of bomb. But boy was I wrong, there was a postcard attached with a smiley face and a typed note that said ‘keep up the great work, you’re doing more than we ever could possibly hope for – The Taliban.’ It was a really nice note and I’m sure the justices are going to be happy to see the support from abroad.”

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas quickly made his way back to the courthouse to investigate the package when he heard it had arrived.

“I’ve been an admirer of the Taliban and their system of governance for years. I’m just so happy that I can now consider myself a peer. And they really knocked it out of the park with this gift. They didn’t waste time with any crappy fruits, it’s all cupcakes and candy,” said the Associate Justice while hiding the treats in his desk. “If the Taliban thought this last court session was impressive, just wait until they see what me and the crew have in store for the next session. I’ll give you a hint; if you’re a woman you might want to sell your car now because you won’t be allowed to drive it by this time next year.”

Noted Supreme Court historian Lydia Chalmers says this is not the first time the court has curried favor with maligned groups.

“In the case of Buck v. Bell the justices ruled that it was lawful to sterilize inmates at public institutions,” said Chalmers. “This caught the attention of a young man named Adolph Hitler who was trying to make a name for himself within the German government. Hitler loved the idea of eugenics so much that he actually made it a key component of the Nazi agenda. And it was all an idea started in America and affirmed by the highest court in the land. Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. even hung the painting Hitler made for him in his office.”

At press time, the court mailroom was overrun with thank you cards from far-right personalities like KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to exiled leaders from the Khmer Rouge.

Neutrogena Releases Goth-Strength Sunscreen

Posted on July 24, 2022 by Jose Balderas

LOS ANGELES — Representatives from Neutrogena announced they finally perfected a formula strong enough to be certified as “Goth-Strength” by the FDA just in time for the hot summer months, outdoor festivals, and beach days.

“We want our customer base to know that no matter what skin tone or subculture you are we view you as worthy of being safe from the sun’s harmful UV rays. After many failed attempts we were able to perfect our newest formula which is an SPF 250 and able to withstand the harsh demands of goths,” stated Neutrogena scientist Leif Forstfodd. “We proudly do not test on animals so all our research had to be done with actual goths and we are forever grateful for their service and sacrifice in helping our research. These brave, dour souls were exposed to extended time in the sun they hadn’t experienced since their parents forced them to play sports when they were children, and society is better off because of it.”

Long-time goth and avid hiker Wolf Shison was one of the successful test subjects and hailed Neutrogena’s new sunscreen as a life-changing product.

“Thanks to this new formula I’m no longer constrained to only hiking at dusk, dawn, or the blackest of nights. I can go out and enjoy the scenery without fear of losing my near-translucent glow that I’ve worked hard to maintain. It has also come in handy when going to outdoor festivals as it allows me to ditch the lace umbrella and just have fun,” said Shison. “It quickly became a must-have with our friends and now we can spend all day at Hollywood Forever cemetery instead of just going to the nighttime events. It works so well that some of the groundskeepers actually think we are reanimated corpses, which is the greatest compliment.”

Merchants are already implementing a first-come-first-serve queue outside their stores to meet the demand.

“We don’t want to see violence erupt over a thing like sunscreen so we pre-emptively decided to set up a line outside with strict limits once we noticed goths coming in and being visibly disappointed when we told them we were sold out,” said local CVS manager Jerry Twine. “I don’t know if it worked too well because now they won’t leave even after they make their purchase. We’ve noticed groups of goths hanging around the entrance smoking, writing poetry, and reading H.P. Lovecraft stories. I have no idea how to make them leave.”

Neutragena’s parent company Johnson & Johnson hopes to break into another musical subculture market by unveiling a new line of “No Tears” shampoo strictly for emo adults.

What’s the Etiquette on Postering Over This Missing Person Flyer?

Posted on July 24, 2022 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Don’t you hate ambiguous social rules? It’s like a guy can’t even go to a bar, get drunk, and take a piss on a wall anymore without potentially committing a social faux pas. So can somebody just tell me if it’s chill if I tape an ad for my band’s upcoming show over this missing person flyer?

I mean, how many times are we supposed to be saddened by this missing dude’s face? Not only does it creep me out but it’s been up for like three weeks. It’s not like I don’t wanna help the guy but this is on prime postering real estate! So what, do I poster over it? Do I move it to a less ideal spot? What’s the etiquette here?

You might not think so but there are a ton of tough decisions to be made in the postering game. You gotta walk that fine line between cutthroat advertising and common courtesy. If this was a missing dog or cat flyer, sorry but that thing’s coming down, no question. And if I let this flyer fly and some other promoter posters over it, everyone will go to that shitty show instead of my shitty show!

This guy’s not comin’ back. I can feel it. And be honest, do you think the fine people of this coffee house would rather be saddened by some family’s loss or be pumped that a show is going down? It’s this Thursday, by the way. Bring your friends. Shit, if you find this dude, bring him too! I’d put him on the guest list, but it’s filling up. My cousins are in town.

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