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Landlord Pays it Forward by Helping Tenants Apply For Food Stamps, Only Raising Rent 200%

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo, — Local landlord Montgomery Hawthorne Jr. found a way to give back to his financially struggling residents by providing easy access to Food Stamp applications with every rent hike, confirmed sources wondering if they can move back in with their parents.

“I provide a service, a much-needed service, some would call it an essential, specifically to those less fortunate than I,” stated Hawthorne while loosening his belt after a hearty meal. “These poor souls get to cram their particle board Ikea furniture into one of the lesser houses my father left me. I know that this effective tripling of the rent may be hard on them, but that’s why I included a PDF of a QR code that takes you to the government food stamps site. Some people say this work is passive. I scoff at the silly notion. It’s tough work looking up the email addresses of all my tenants every time the price goes up. Just last week I texted a pair of tenants to mow their lawn, that was exhausting.”

Tenants at one of Hawthorne’s properties reported financial devastation after their most recent rent increase, yet claim this has been their best rental experience to date.

“Honestly, the EBT application process has been a bureaucratic nightmare,” stated longtime tenant Joey Caldura. “It was pretty convenient to have the application link handy the moment we were made aware our entire food budget would be going to rent instead. I figure until it gets approved we can try skipping meals for a bit, perhaps forage some pine nuts and edible mushrooms in the backyard. One time Monty Jr. helped us fix the water heater himself instead of hiring a professional. We’re still cleaning up from the flood damage that our deposit is responsible for, but we appreciate that he got it done without immediately raising the rent to cover the costs.”

Blackstone CEO, Stephen A. Schwarzman, shared an enthusiastic outlook on the future of the symbiotic nature of tenant-landlord financial relationships.

“I encourage land barons across the nation to do slightly more than the bare minimum that is legally required,” stated Schwarzman. “Establishing these courteous and charitable deeds as standard makes it increasingly easy for proprietors to form new tax write-offs. We here at Blackstone promise to continue hoarding as much housing as possible, driving up market rates to unbelievable record highs. Tenants should rest assured these houses will be rentable until they are only mildly profitable at which case they will be converted to AirBNBs.”

At press time, landlords across the nation were “sharing the love” by paying for pet euthanasias before tenants move into pet-free housing.