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How Positive Thinking, Vision Boarding and 10 Thousand Dollars Will Get You a Ticket to Burning Man

Let’s face it, everything is absolute shit right now. It seems like everyone is draped in darkness and nothing remains that can unite us. But let me reassure you that there is something out there that is still pure, open to all, and untouched by the greedy claws of capitalism. It’s called “Burning Man” and we can tell you that chill vibes will get you there, so believe it and believe in it. Also, take out about ten thousand dollars.

Positive thinking showed me that everything and nothing is a miracle, I was microdosing acid and had just chowed down a couple of caps of mushrooms. Start with hallucinogens or molly or whatever is laying around your mid-century modern bungalow. I didn’t garner the kind of positive thinking it takes to sun my taint or understand 80% of the lifestyle articles on GOOP by wearing a suit to work like my dad. But also Dads can help with that 10k so don’t use positive thinking to burn that bridge.

Next is vision boarding, don’t think about what you want but think about what you fucking need. I put a picture of a 170-foot fully furnished sprinter van with full plumbing, a fridge full of cheese, and queen size bed for example. Bam! I didn’t have to shit in the porta-potties, I always had fresh fromage and a mattress to hide my coke under.

Put up some pics of costume ideas too because you have to look fresh. I cross-referenced sexy anime aliens and spooky spiders for last year’s soiree and I ended up looking like a fucking king. That 10k? Well, I think you know by now that should be tacked up there.

Hopefully, by this point, you are self-assured that you deserve this because a lot of people want this and they are most likely poor or gross or both. That’s why you are going to need the 10k. Last year I was a little bit short so I sold my mom’s peloton to a reiki masseuse to make up the diff. The money helps out in getting a ticket, camping pass, glamper van rental, drugs, organic body paint, lambskin condoms, bottles of mead from a guy name Derrick and all the other essentials that it takes to truly experience art and music in a desert.