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I’m JD Power and These Are My Associates, Sure Would Be a Shame if Your Car Didn’t Win Any Awards

When you think of trustworthy, dependable reviews of automobile dependability and capacity, there is only one name you think of. If you need someone to keep you in the loop of car industry market research and let you know about that Honda you are thinking of buying, you only go to one guy. That guy is me. I’m JD Power, and these are my associates. It sure would be a shame if your car didn’t happen to win any awards, now isn’t it?

Ah, how nice. Here is a whole new model of an off-road sports vehicle, ready for the upcoming 2023 line. You know, we all have a need for adventure in our soul, but some needs are deeper than others. There is the need to freely drive in the open wilderness, wearing a Patagonia vest. There is a need for the raw horsepower of a vehicle like this to appreciate nature from within your car. And then there’s the need for JD Power and his associates to get fucking paid.

Listen, how are you going to market this shiny piece of junk without a bunch of our awards under your arm, huh? Do you think anyone buys shit in the auto industry without me and my associates’ say-so?

Think again, motherfucker. This is JD Power territory. And that of my associates.

I bet you’d like to win “Best Torque in Its Class,” huh? Yeah, you would. That’s the sweetest little plum of an award that anyone could want. That would be great for this little ol’ off-roader of yours. Probably move an extra two, three million units, easy.

You know what you should be worrying about? Winning the “Safest Person in the Room Right Now” award. That’s not a threat, by the way. That is an actual award that my associate over there, G.R. Knuckles is menacingly holding. Trust me, you do not want to lose that award.

Listen, nobody around here wins an award for torque, safety, or best fucking cupholders without Ol’ JD Power dipping his beak in the good stuff. And that means the associates get a taste too, get it?

If you want to see your modernized, environmentally-friendly off-road sports vehicle in a weird commercial in which a group of actors pretends to be shocked about seeing a car, just do the right thing and kick a piece over to me, JD Power, and them, my associates.

If you know what is good for you. JD Power does.

And so do his associates.