I Would Go to My Kid’s Baseball Game if It Didn’t Fall on the Same Day as This Rare Beer Release

Posted on by Zach Hudson

As parents, we have to make sacrifices all the time. Any parent will tell you this. You can miss your kid’s first steps because you’re away for work. You may have to miss your kid’s middle school graduation because your mother had a health emergency. And sometimes you have to miss your kid’s baseball game because Barrel Alchemy Artisanal Brew Works is releasing Double-Barrel Aged Fudge Brownie Batter Supreme Stout Aged on Coconut and Cayenne Pepper, and Triple Dry Hopped Dank Forge with Galaxy and Centennial Double IPA on the same day.

Look, it’s not that I don’t want to go to the game. I love watching my son disappoint me. I’m devastated to have to miss it. But what I really, really can’t miss is this release. I told my wife to record the game so we can all watch it together at home tonight. I’ll get to relive this special moment with my son all while sipping on one of these white whales. Everybody wins.

I’m sure you’re probably thinking about how selfish I am but this actually benefits my son. Guys on my beer trade forums are already offering me $250 a bottle for the Fudge Brownie Batter Supreme so if I get the full allotment of 5 bottles, which I should since I got in line at 6 AM, I can sell two of them and get my son a new bat and glove. Or I can save it for the release of an even rarer beer.

It’s still early in the season and there will be plenty of other games. You can bet I’m planning on going to all of them, even the away ones. You don’t see all of the other dads going to the away games! I just can’t go to the one on the tenth, because Hop Rave is releasing Exxxtra Sour Smoothie: Green Apple Blue Raspberry and the brewery already announced there’s a one case limit per person.

Four Hour Description of Every PA System in Music Store Ends in Musician Buying Cheapest Option

Posted on by Peter Woods

OMAHA, Neb. — Local guitarist Sebastian Melendez purchases the most inexpensive PA at his regular music equipment store following a detailed, four-hour description of every single PA system available, confirmed frustrated sources.

“I knew my budget was pretty limited, but I felt pretty embarrassed just walking in and saying ‘sell me the cheapest piece of shit you have please,’ so I made sure I reviewed all my options,” said Melendez. “When the salesperson started in on their presentation, it was clear they had spent a lot of time practicing. So I felt bad telling them to stop. I realized after maybe 20 minutes that this was going to go on for a while, but it was definitely too late to stop them. Especially because he kept calling me ‘Champ,’ which felt really cool.”

According to The Rock Hut employee Avery Kent, the inevitability of the final purchase seemed far less certain at the outset.

“This would have been the first time I moved something other than a second-hand Behringer, so I really wanted to land the sale,” said Avery while chain-smoking cigarettes on their break. “I was really bringing my A-game and hyping up all of the features on the high-end systems. And the customer was acting like they were right there with me, nodding along and saying stuff like ‘oh wow’ and ‘cool’ a bunch. I even offered to load it into the car for the dude, but that wasn’t enough I guess.”

“I guess I’ll just take my $8 of commission and try to convince my landlord to let me have another extension,” added Kent.

While this approach to purchasing a PA system may seem unusual, experts agree that it’s more common than most realize.

“This fits pretty squarely within most purchasing trends, to be honest,” said Glenna Sloan, a music equipment sales analyst. “Guitarists will ask hundreds of questions about the most expensive strings and then just buy whatever Ernie Balls are on sale, that sort of thing. The only time it changes is if the sales representative is really hot. Then the musician will buy the most expensive thing they can afford to try to impress them. Although research also shows that this attempt at impressing hot people never results in getting a phone number.”

At press time, Melendez had reportedly already blown both speakers and one tweeter despite “setting everything up right, I think.”

Letterboxd User Accidentally Writes Coherent Review

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Amateur movie critic and frequent Letterboxd user Riley Nelson somehow fell ass-backward into writing a review that featured a clear structure, thoughtful arguments, and a sensible word count, confirmed shocked readers.

“Usually right after I watch a movie, I’m pulling up the app and figuring out whether I want to write an essay centered around a philosophical concept I plagiarized from a YouTube video or if I want to make an extremely tenuous connection between it and another work of art,” said Nelson, a graduate student who once devoted 780 words to describing supposed parallels between “Videodrome” and R.E.M.’s “Murmur.” “But all I could come up with for Billy Wilder’s classic noir ‘Double Indemnity’ was a couple of paragraphs about Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck’s chemistry and the quality of Wilder’s staging and the cinematography. I feel like such a hack.”

Leah Barber, one of Nelson’s 2,452 followers, said she was taken aback upon seeing his cogent review in her feed.

“I had gotten so used to just scrolling past any review written by ‘cryogeneric’ because they’re read like someone’s graduate thesis where every sentence is more incomprehensible than the one before it,” said Barber. “But this was actually pretty well-written and he even made a good point of how working within the confines of the Hays Code arguably made the movie more effective. I had to double-check to make sure it was the same guy who started a review of ‘Mystery Men’ with the sentence, ‘Ontology is perhaps the most misunderstood subset of metaphysics.’”

Alex Reed, a professor of film studies at Columbia University, said that Nelson’s experience is similar to that of many Letterboxd users.

“Every day, hundreds of 20-something ‘cinephiles’ join Letterboxd with the misguided notion that their analysis is insightful rather than completely incoherent,” said Reed. Some are masochistic enough to continue this Sisyphean ordeal. Others, like Nelson, gradually come to realize, in terms of critique depth, they’re less Andrew Sarris and more Chris Stuckmann and stop trying so hard.”

At press time, Nelson was watching “Lost Highway” while re-reading “Titus Groan” to see if any similarities could be found.

Class Division Kept Alive by Man Mocking Friends Who Use Hulu With Ads

Posted on by Rachel Steele

CONCORD, N.H. — Local trust fund kid Gil Winchester once again mocked his friends for electing to watch a more cost-effective version of Hulu with advertisements and commercials instead of the commercial-free premium package, frustrated sources confirm.

“Call me crazy, but I get a little annoyed watching the same for Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines commercial every eight fucking minutes. I prefer watching my shows uninterrupted and I don’t understand why some people can’t shell out a couple extra bucks to make that happen,” said Winchester. “Sometimes I wonder why I’m even friends with these people. They are always complaining about their jobs, inflation, and ‘making ends meet’ and I want to be like ‘bro, I have problems too. My Dad’s stock portfolio took a huge hit and we might have to wait a week to get our third boat.’”

Tony Miller, one of Winchester’s oldest friends, confirmed he indeed watches Hulu with ads.

“I guess it’s just a matter of priorities. I enjoy the time I get to myself watching TV, but I also have a baby to raise. And diapers aren’t cheap lately,” said Miller. “Gil and I went to college together. He loves to throw his weight around any chance he gets. No one heard the end of it when he got a new SUV and a huge promotion at his parent’s law firm. Yesterday he asked me why I still live in a one-bedroom apartment when there are bigger houses for sale in my town, right before laughing at me for driving the same used car for the past decade.”

Representatives for Hulu say they hold all subscribers in high regard no matter which streaming option they choose.

“We just wanted to create entertainment experiences for everyone. Ad revenue is a big part of our income, we couldn’t just get rid of them, but we never thought creating two different payment options would cause such division,” said Hulu president Joe Earley through stifled laughter. “No I’m just kidding, we totally saw that coming, why do you think we separated those options in the first place? No one pays premium Hulu prices for quality original content like they expect with Netflix. They pay it to flex on their poor sucker neighbors.”

At press time, Winchester explained he does not plan to stop using his sister’s Netflix account, stating, “Fuck those prices.”

Bro, Wait Until You Try My Home-brewed Hard Seltzer

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Ew bro, put that White Claw down. Do you actually think that mass-produced piss water is good? Bro, wait until you try my next batch of home-brewed hard seltzer.

Honestly, who wants to drink a macro seltzer when you can have an artisanal hard seltzer that was brewed, fermented, and served at room temperature from a one-gallon jug in my basement? You’ll love these new flavors I’m working on and the stupid names I gave them that don’t remotely hint at what they taste like will only make you love them more! Wanna know what “Pocket Chalk” tastes like? Well, let me pour you a glass of under carbonated, cloudy booze water from this giant brown bottle and find out.

You don’t have to like it but I’m not going to break eye contact until you drink some and tell me how great it is.

I got into the seltzer game the first time I blacked out day-drinking White Claws. That night, after throwing up on the couch, I ordered 15 gallons of Dasani, a bunch of Soda Streams, and pounds of yeast. When the boxes showed up, I tossed my hops and two-row malt in the trash and began my life as a seltzer man.

At first, I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I tried flavoring my first seltz by throwing a handful of cherry Jolly Ranchers straight into the tank instead of sucking on them and spitting the juice back into the wort. I also used Sunny D instead of water once so that batch was like 34% alcohol. I drank a few and shit myself in broad daylight at my nephew’s birthday, so you know it was totally enjoyable.

That said, please don’t mention this to my landlord or anyone at the health department. Legally, it’s not very big dick energy to brew these in a school zone. Oh, and if you liked that, you should take a drink and then get a rip of my homemade vape juice.

Friend Group Terrified of Guy With 20,000 Records Moving Someday

Posted on by Tim Graham

RALEIGH, N.C. — Friends of record enthusiast Tom Montgomery expressed grave concern that they may be asked to help move his massive collection one day, sources close to the out-of-shape group of friends revealed.

“I love Tom like a brother,” said Montgomery’s longtime friend, Chris Pérez. “But Jesus Christ, enough with the records. I get it, he loves music. So do I, but I use Spotify like a normal person. And he lives in a third-story walk-up! The rest of us have been divvying up excuses for if and when the time comes. I’m using ‘bad back,’ which is actually sort of true. Mike’s got ‘dead grandma.’ Phoebe’s lucky — she’s got a kid, which is kind of a bulletproof excuse for getting out of stuff. We’re worried about Nate, though. He’s got a truck, so Tom’s going to hammer him pretty hard.”

Montgomery’s girlfriend, Diane Clem, has her own concerns regarding her partner’s mountain of vinyl.

“Our apartment is kind of small and all of our shelf and closet space filled with records he never looks at. Tom likes to think he’s a DJ and says he needs all those old records to find obscure drum breaks or basslines,” said Clem. “He actually works at a hardware store. When he does get around to making music, he’ll just grab samples from YouTube. I gently suggested that he sell the records so we could start saving for a future together, but he looked at me like I kicked a dog.”

In addition to putting a strain on friendships, the sheer physical weight of a massive record collection can pose the risk of catastrophic failure in older buildings, according to structural engineer Mitchell Bodio.

“These old apartment buildings in gentrified, hip neighborhoods are a ticking time bomb,” said Bodio. “The framing wasn’t meant to support thousands of pounds of records. At a recent city council meeting, I proposed placing people with excessive Discogs purchases on a registry and performing regular integrity checks on their buildings’ joist systems. They laughed at me! But guess who’ll be laughing when the next crate digger’s apartment building pancakes and crushes an orphanage or a pet shop? Well, I guess I won’t be laughing, I’ll feel sad. But also vindicated.”

At press time, another group who wished to remain anonymous were meeting to brainstorm excuses after their friend with a large vintage arcade cabinet collection announced his intention to move across town.

Review: MDC “Multi Death Chicken Stains”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at Austin hardcore band MDC’s album “Multi Death Chicken Stains” for which Beer City Records has released a new Millennium Edition.

MDC has gone through a variety of stage monikers throughout their career. Look no further than Millions of Dead Cops, Multi-Death Corporation, and Maximum Drew Carey. Who knows what MDC stands for on their “Multi Death Chicken Stains” record? All I know is that (1) this album slaps hard and (2) MDC changes their name as much as Puff Daddy.

It’s true. One day he’s P. Diddy. The next he’s just Diddy. Then all of the sudden he drops another bomb on us and changes his name to Sean Combs. Seriously, pick a lane and stay in it, Puff.

Anyway, I’m still kind of pissed at that guy for not picking me to be a participant on his reality show “Making His Band,” which was the spinoff of “Making the Band,” the widely popular yet probably forgotten about until I just mentioned it now program on MTV. But I for one haven’t forgotten.

The year was 2009. I had auditioned to be the bass player on “Making His Band.” My qualifications were through the roof. I was in a band in high school. I read almost all of Puff Daddy’s Wikipedia page and downloaded a bunch of his songs from Limewire. And most importantly, I had very strong thoughts and an in-depth plan on the direction Diddy’s band should go. Think: Joy Division meets Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, but with ska elements and surfer vibes too, yet brutal like Slayer, also offbeat like Radiohead, but worldwide fame like Nirvana. Why has no one thought to do this before, right?

Ok, so maybe I shouldn’t have broken into Puff’s house that one time to get him this message and do my audition for him first thing in the morning. Really thought he’d like my ambition and go-getter attitude. Also, he never responded to any of my previous emails or letters. What else was I supposed to do to get on his show?

Long story, short. I did not get to be on that show and the restraining order was a pretty clear indication that I never would.

In conclusion, this MDC record is an absolute winner.

Score: 5 out of 5 bad boys for life.

/**/

REPORT: Bourbon Snob Taking All the Fun Out Of Getting Pants-Shitting Drunk

Posted on by John Danek

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Pretentious bourbon sniffer Patrick Welles is ruining the otherwise fun vibes of an impromptu house party hang with his talk of tasting notes and mouthfeel, binge-drinkers report.

“I’ve never had more of a bummer time trying to get absolutely obliterated. I swear if Pat mentions ‘notes of charred oak’ one more time, I’ll stab him,” stated host Eric Flattery, who typically just buys whatever is on sale at the local liquor store. “This is the last time I throw a house party. Last time, someone vomited in my pillowcase. And yet, I prefer that to Pat turning down the music and telling us to experience the ‘velvety mouthfeel.’ How dare you come into my house and say ‘mouthfeel!’”

Welles reportedly adopted his snobbish ways after a trip with his father to the Bourbon Trail in Kentucky, taking what he learned back home with him.

“I was pleasantly surprised to see Buffalo Trace on the counter when I entered because for the price, it’s a great value bourbon with a sweet nose and complex notes of honeysuckle,” declared Welles, who is rumored to not have had sex since his liquor journey began. “To be totally honest, I recommend spitting out the whiskey and not swallowing, so you can have more tasting chances. Everyone knows the taste is the best part.”

Buffalo Trace’s lead distiller appreciates hardcore customers’ adoration but wishes they wouldn’t ruin the fun for other people.

“At the end of the day, whiskey is whiskey and you should enjoy it-—don’t suck the fun out of the experience for people who are just trying to vibe and get so fucked up they have to apologize to their boss who wasn’t even there that night,” recommends Buffalo Trace head distiller Simon Hexel. “If you’re going to start talking about notes of coriander and charring and mash bills, make sure your company is down for such talk. Otherwise, let them get drunk and cry and throw up in peace.”

More recent reports indicate the Welles is continuing to harsh the buzz of the party by recommending hyper-specific strains of weed to those smoking on the patio.

5 Things We Think the “M” in MTV Might Stand For

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Everybody knows MTV as a channel that’s been pumping out quality content for decades. But what many people are wondering, ourselves included, is what the “M” could possibly stand for. After watching hours of original programming and scouring the “M” section of Urban Dictionary for possible matches, we’ve come up with five theories on exactly what that mysterious letter might symbolize.

Meta
Remember when Mark Zuckerberg blew our minds and changed the name of Facebook to Meta despite it still somehow being called Facebook on my app when I open it once every several months? Well, MTV just might’ve been the soft opening for Meta long ago. Regardless, I still don’t know what Meta means or the “M” in MTV for that matter.

Men
From tanning religiously to bathing in Axe Body Spray, nothing says “real men” more than MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” In fact, much of MTV’s content features men exclusively doing man-shit. Look no further than when Bam Margera used to physically assault his father in “Viva La Bam.” So manly.

Musk
Did Elon Musk buy MTV long before going all-in on Twitter? Sure seems like something a rich person would do considering their penchant for purchasing shit no one knew you could just buy. Anyway, if it really is MuskTV, we can only assume that the broadcast can reach Mars.

MSNBC
Let’s be honest, MSCNBCTV doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue so shortening it makes sense. But if the “M” in MTV doesn’t stand for “MSNBC,” how would you explain Kurt Loder? He hosted MTV News for years and gave it journalistic credibility. If only we could say the same about Chuck Todd.

Musicless
Like most channels, MTV doesn’t feature music unless you count an accidental clip of a Black Keys song during a Toyota commercial in between segments of “My Super Sweet 16.” It’s quite possible that MTV is just leaning into the simple fact that, like most channels, you won’t get music here.

Signs of Spring! Punk House Celebrates Annual Transition From Rat Infestation to Ant Infestation

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk house Last Resort Lodge commemorated the official arrival of spring by bidding farewell to the resident rats that took up winter residence within its walls and welcoming an enormous colony of ants.

“Yeah, it’s the best time of the year,” said longtime resident Adam Pilknerson, absentmindedly crushing ants and half a rat carcass under a crumpled beer can leftover from the day’s celebration. “Millions of ants start busting in through the cracks, which means it’s warm enough for the rats to leave. Being able to play shows in the yard again without freezing is great, too, but there’s just nothing like spotting that first swarm of black specks in your kitchen.”

Lukas Cole, touring guitarist for Breaking Striper, appeared relieved to learn the annual infestation changeover had occurred before his next stay at the house.

“Last time I got bitten on the face by some kind of crazy huge rat when I was sleeping on their basement couch after our show,” he said. “I’m still kinda healing from the infection, so having a bunch of little ants running all over me actually sounds pretty relaxing. Plus the ants thing isn’t a huge deal. The life cycle of an ant is probably like two days, but I’ve been seeing that rat with half a tail in their place for like six years, so this is a welcome reprieve.”

According to expert biologist Dr. Pamela Woller, the house’s large-scale infestation transition occurred slightly later this year than in year’s past.

“As the outdoor temperature rises, conditions at Last Resort Lodge are certainly quite favorable to host an extensive ant colony once again,” Woller explained. “The food scraps and easily navigable path of various crusted spilled liquids provided hearty sustenance for the rats that scurried around from October through April. Now, these same odorous substances have signaled to intrepid forager ants that a rich, balanced food trail ranging from chips to pizza will keep them fed for months.”

Per their springtime tradition, house residents will not employ professional extermination services for the ants, preferring instead to scrape away the insects with bass guitar picks.