Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Not Today, Satan, but if I Move Some Things Around I Can Make Next Tuesday Work

Posted on July 16, 2022 by Brad Skafish

I tell ya, Satan, these days it feels like there’s never enough time. I work long hours, I try to stay fit, and I have a thriving social life, so squeezing in an audience with the Dark Lord on such short notice feels like an impossible task. Sorry, how ’bout next Tuesday?

Yes, I did get your text asking if we could hang out tonight. Thanks for the offer but my schedule is hellish. I’ve got a pilates class, I’m picking the kids up from soccer, and if there’s still time, I promised my friend Troy I’d try to catch his open-mic set. So not today, Lucifer. But maybe tomorrow. No, wait. Shit, that’s not gonna work either. I’ve got book club after work. And that reminds me I’m still only on chapter twelve so I guess that means I’m not making it to Troy’s thing tonight after all. How about Tuesday? Assuming I can move some things around.

Tuesday’s no good? Here’s a thought, your Unholiness. Sunday night I have softball league but we’re always short a couple of guys, so maybe you could fill in?

You’d prefer Saturday? I was planning to volunteer at the soup kitchen that night plus I have a haircut appointment, but I suppose those plans aren’t set in stone. My buddy Mike would probably switch me volunteer nights and I can see if Gina can move my appointment back to later in the week. Yeah, this might actually work, my evil amigo!

Alright, Antichrist. We’ll plan to meet up Tuesday night at my place at 7:00. Oh, you’d prefer 7:06 precisely? Why? Okay, yeah, that is kind of like 6:66. I see what you did there. Very clever.

Anyway, I’ll see you then, you winged infernal serpent. Weather permitting.

10 Cocktails and the Musicians We’d Fight After Drinking Them

Posted on July 16, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Some people pair outfits and accessories or wine and cheese, but my specialty is pairing well-crafted cocktails with pants-shitting anger and toxic self-righteousness. Sometimes, normal, everyday strangers at my neighborhood bar or at the waiting room of my son’s speech therapist are the canvases on which I paint, but I deserve more than to continue beating up nobodies. So I’m going to pair intoxicants with the famous musicians I’d beat senselessly after drinking it. Salut!

Jäger bombs and Hatebreed

Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta has inspired me to be a physically-violent Jägermeister enthusiast since Hatebreed was an Ozzfest side stage act in 2001. When I order a shot glass of Jäger dropped into a nearly-full pint of beer after dinner, I feel strong enough to challenge the master to an MMA-sanctioned event. And in a way, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how he’d want it.

Long Island Iced Tea and No Doubt

After drinking a Long Island, I’m fighting all four members of No Doubt for two simple reasons:

Women should be treated equally–which means I’m willing to destroy Gwen Stefani with my feminist fists in the name of equal rights
Every dude in that band probably voted for Biden instead of writing in a semi-obscure, wildly-unpopular choice for president, which means I’m going to have to give them the lecture on why “Blue No Matter Who” is a weight on the chest of leftist politics while simultaneously breaking all their teeth

Red Bull & Vodka and Bon Iver

Bon Iver’s sad vagabond bloop-blorp guitar music makes me sad, but Red Bull and Tito’s gets me HYPE. And when I’m in that zone, I’m absolutely positive I don’t want to hear about how he met Emma in a blood bank unless they’re gonna rob it or fuck each other while covered in a desperate grad student’s recent plasma donation. This guy’s music combined with the up and down of a liquor-infused energy cocktail makes me actively reject every emotion except homicidal rage.

Mai Tais and MC Hammer

I can’t touch this? You wanna bet, Hammer?! After I finish this ridiculously alcoholic drink that was created with the explicit goal of getting the drinker absolutely shit-housed, we’ll see who’s 2 Legit 2 Quit! You think the sound of my daughter crying, “Please, don’t hurt ‘em!” will stop me, old man?!

Bloody Marys and Maroon 5

A Bloody Mary used to be a chance for motorcyclists and professional gamblers to get some vitamins while coming dangerously close to acknowledging that lifestyle and most artistic preferences are performative human constructs. And that’s exactly why I’d knock Adam Levine’s ass out after eating the pound of pickled bullshit that comes with this damn thing. I have to punch him or else I’ll be forced to confront some of my innermost thoughts and desires, like… maybe I actually enjoy some Maroon 5 songs?

Moscow Mules and Phish

I love a Moscow Mule because it’s simple, light, and a little bit spicy if you spring for the good ginger beer. If you have eyes and ears, you already know that Trey Anastasio and his jam band Phish suck total ass no matter how many times your CPA brother-in-law has seen them play their dumbass long songs in some cow field or whatever. Moscow Mules make me want to party, but Anastasio’s band makes me want to feed a knuckle sandwich to these chronic guitar noodlers.

Mimosas and Elton John

There could be nothing better than sipping lavender-infused mimosas and then absolutely rocking Elton John right in his giant fucking head. I don’t have anything against him per se, but he looks like the kind of guy that would pay my bill with his “Rocket Man” money like some kind of rich bastard just because I’m ‘being too loud and making everyone feel uncomfortable’ or whatever. Fuck Saturdays. You know when else is alright for fighting, Sir Elton? Right here, right now on this idyllic restaurant patio if you think paying for a cocktail and some eggs will shut me up, Mr. Candle in the Wind!

6 Glugs of Everclear From a Plastic Bottle Driving the Back Roads Home from the Bar and Sturgill Simpson

When I’m guzzling Everclear, it means I’m listening to country music and driving the long way home because there’s an intervention waiting for me in the kitchen. Turtles?! All the way down?! Sturgill Simpson is the only guy who can make sad music sound smart which makes me want to slap the back of his neck and run away like an incoherent ape-man that definitely doesn’t have a drinking problem.

Bottle of Electric Melon MD 20/20 and Run the Jewels

Mad Dog isn’t technically a cocktail until you pour it into a glass, but after a few glass bottles of fortified wine, you get the urge to sucker punch a guy and his best friend even though they’re universally loved. Orange Jubilee tastes just like orange juice you found in the toilet, so why wouldn’t you want to ring the bell and take on Killer Mike and El-P before eventually passing out on the sidewalk?

Morgan Dew and Pit Bull

Sometimes you need the tangy citrus burn of a Mountain Dew and whatever liquor is within arm’s reach, and often, I find that the handle of Captain Morgan I keep in the bathroom is just what the doctor ordered. Morgan Dew is the kind of drink you have at a party, and Pit Bull is the kind of guy I would fight at a party because I don’t like the playful, slightly flirtatious conversation he’s having with my first ex-wife even though she divorced me for cheating nine years ago. Afterward, I bet we’d have a drink together. He seems like a good dude that way.

Couple Decides to Break Up After Independently Cutting Bangs, Shaving Beard on Same Day

Posted on July 16, 2022 by Peter Woods

MUNCIE, Ind. — Romantic partners Louise Keller and Ty Walsh announced that they are breaking up after Walsh shaved his beard and Keller cut her bangs on the same day, according to a joint social media post made earlier today.

“This whole thing has really taken us by surprise. If we had coordinated this beforehand then maybe we could have survived, but our new looks did not vibe” said Keller. “I really thought that it was just me living in an existential nightmare on a day-to-day basis, one where getting out of bed and facing the person I was deciding to spend my life with felt like punishment far more extreme than any physical pain could ever feel. I figured I would just deal with it like an adult by cutting one centimeter off the front of my hair. But when Ty walked out of the bathroom clean-shaven, I knew it was over.”

For those close to Keller and Walsh, the news did not come as a surprise.

“We all knew that they were on the rocks for a while. They were hanging on by a thread, and this slight change in physical appearance was just too much,” said Claudio Rojas, Walsh’s barber. “Every single month, the dude would walk in here and complain about his girlfriend from the moment he sat down to when he paid. I tried telling him to go to couple’s therapy, because I’m not actually a therapist, but he never seemed to care.”

“When he came in last time, said nothing, and just asked in a super cold tone if I do straight razor shaves, I knew it was too late,” added Rojas.

After the news became public, fans of Keller and Walsh’s relationship blamed the increasingly easy access to at-home hair and beard styling products for the breakup.

“This happens all the time and we have to keep telling people: it’s not our fault,” said Raquel Downs, a spokesperson for the hair trimmer appliance company Oster Pro. “In every relationship that ends this way, there are always deeper rooted issues and we’re always just the messenger. And I know that people keep saying that our new slogan, ‘Trim Everything Out of Your Life, Not Just Hair,’ paints a different picture, but that’s just a coincidence.”

According to sources close to both individuals, both Keller and Walsh seem to be ready to move on with each of them using dating apps and both were recently reported to be trimming their pubes again.

Punk’s “Good” Tooth Still Worst Thing Dentist Has Ever Seen

Posted on July 15, 2022 by Doug Kolic

PENSACOLA, Fla. – Local dentist Noah Dunaway expressed utter disgust recently after examining what long-time punk patient Skyler Thompson kept referring to as his “good” tooth, confirmed sources close to the veteran oral health care professional.

“I’ve seen millions of teeth over my thirty-year career, but nothing prepared me for the horror I witnessed that day,” stated a still visibly shaken Dr. Dunaway. “When that young man finally came back to see us after his last visit five years ago, he kept referring to this one ‘good’ tooth, but all I saw was unimaginable rot and decay that was so vile it took years off of my life. It’s easily the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I volunteer at the local zoo where I’ve done dental surgery on all sorts of animals from possums to jackals, but his tooth still keeps me up at night.”

When hearing how his dentist described the state of his oral health, Thompson wanted to set the record straight.

“There’s nothing wrong with that tooth. Sure, some of the other surrounding it may be past their ‘best before’ dates, but this front one is still perfectly fine, so maybe the dentist needs a new pair of glasses or something,” said Thompson as he was wiping a greenish pus from the tooth. “I bet he’s pissy that I haven’t come in for an appointment in a while and he just wants to shame me for not flossing. I have more important things to do with my time, I can’t be changed to a sink brushing my days away like a mindless drone.”
Renowned physician on punk healthcare Dr. Roberta Bellagia, described how this subset of society often see their health through rose-colored glasses.

“It’s not unusual for people living the punk lifestyle to see their own health in distorted ways as a coping mechanism for their wretched existence,” explained Dr. Bellagia. “By pretending a problem isn’t as bad as it is, they’re telling themselves that they don’t have to try to fix anything when in reality they should be doing everything conceivably possible to immediately change every aspect of their lives before it’s too late. Either that or they’re just way too fucking drunk and high all the time to give a shit about their bodies or if they die.”

At press time, Thompson was seen watching online videos to help diagnose a prolonged stabbing pain emanating from his one “good” kidney.

Homeless Man’s Dog Notably More Well Behaved Than Yours

Posted on July 15, 2022 by Matt McInerney

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local dog owner Zachary Townsend reportedly couldn’t help but notice how well behaved the unleashed dog he spotted wandering alongside a homeless man was, sources tired of hearing about it confirmed.

“I just want to know how he pulls it off. That dog was right by his side, following him stride for stride,” Townsend explained. “I’ve tried everything with my dog, Birdie, to get her to walk peacefully next to me on a leash. We’ve been to dog classes. We’ve hired trainers to come to our house and teach her. We’ve even tried a dog therapist. I wonder if this wandering man is one of these ‘dog whisperers’ I’ve heard about on TV. Do you think maybe he does classes?”

Experienced dog handler in question, Sky Thomas and his dog Applejack were passing through town, looking for a nearby bus stop.

“Applejack is my trusty sidekick. I found him in a dumpster behind a Bojangles. I fed him half a stale biscuit, and he’s been following me around ever since,” he explained. “Trained? Naw, I can’t afford anything like that. But he will climb into my backpack when I whistle. He taught himself that one.”

Birdie, Townsend’s dog, is sick of this ‘well-behaved dog’ praise at home.

“Who the fuck said I’m not ‘well behaved?’ I do everything for that man. I protect him from even the slightest sign of danger: small clumsy humans, the giant robotic arm monster that steals our blue bin treasures every Thursday, and of course, the mailman,” Birdie explained, while licking her vagina in front of several houseguests. “I basically have to tear my head off on walks to drag him away from peril. Sometimes he stubbornly won’t move, and I’m forced to lunge at our enemies as they walk by. I really don’t know what that idiot would do without me.”

At press time, Applejack was seen pulling a blanket over Thomas as he fell asleep on the long bus ride, while Birdie shredded a $36 throw pillow at home.

We Need a Disney Princess Who Is White From a Small Provincial Town Who Falls in Love With a Beast Man

Posted on July 15, 2022 by Dan Rice

Once the vanguard of gender norms and racial stereotypes, Disney has gone through a lot of trouble to make the public perceive its brand to be progressive and inclusive. I say “perceive” because, until Disney shows they are brave enough to release a movie about a charming white girl from a quaint little town who heals a monster-person with the power of love, it’s all just performative bullshit.

Disney’s bread & butter has always been taking pre-existing stories and retelling them with their trademark magic. By omitting this tale as old as time from their cannon, Disney is making a statement to weird girls who read books and fall in love with their anthropomorphic captors everywhere, and that message is “Hey, you’re not that important!”

Sometimes I look at the young woman in my town dancing and singing through the streets every morning and I feel bad for her. She greets the baker and other townsfolk as she makes her way to the bookstore of which she is the only patron, and I can’t help but think I know exactly what the rest of her life will be like.

First, her bumbling father will run afoul of the hideous beast prince said to inhabit the abandoned castle just outside town, like ya do. Naturally, the young girl will volunteer to take her father’s place as the monster’s prisoner. Soon, with the help of the castle’s enchanted objects that house the souls of those who served the beast in his human life, she will see through his gruff exterior and he will stop being afraid to reveal his warm heart.

They’ll fall in love, much to the chagrin of the town braggart, who desires this young woman’s affections for himself. He will try to slay the beast, but it will be too late as love will have broken the curse and restored the beast into a handsome man. Their wedding will be the biggest and most joyful event the town has ever witnessed and then what? Squat out a few brats and become a homemaker I guess. It’s just sad, and frankly all too common.

If young women involved in prisoner exchanges with magically deformed monarchs saw themselves represented in a Disney movie, I bet more of them would grow up to be president.

I mean to be fair when I think about it, I guess it is technically Beastiality, and the whole story enforces a lot of toxic gender norms. You know what, bad idea, scrap the whole thing.

Fountain of Youth? This Woman Is 42 but Still Gets Paid Like She’s 27!

Posted on July 15, 2022 by Jessica Lillian

Getting older is something every working woman dreads. Now, with age comes experience and with experience often comes higher wages. However, this is just a disgusting dead giveaway that you’ve gotten old. Ew.

But this is not the case for one woman. Meet Stephanie Rowan, a 42-year-old project manager whose adorable little paycheck could easily still pass for a typical 27-year-old. Has she found the fountain of youth? Our sources say yes.

Our low-wage eternal has been working for twelve years at Oliver Marchman Industries, but that tenure has amazingly not aged her one bit when it comes to compensation. Despite strong job performance, she’s managed to keep any creeping salary increases at bay for more than a decade. She was even able to turn back the hands of time on two occasions by being forced to accept pay cuts.

As a result, this forever youngin’ still boasts a pay grade that screams “early-career gal trying to make it in the city by finding free food whenever possible” and definitely not “middle-aged mother of three with a master’s degree and twenty years of industry experience.” Talk about anti-aging goals!

Next, we had to call Rochelle Cleary, associate HR specialist at Oliver Marchman, to learn more. “When I ran my first payroll here and saw how much Stephanie makes, I thought it had to be a mistake,” she recalled. “How could this woman who’s been in the workforce since the George W. Bush presidential administration barely be making more than that other project manager Ryan who literally graduated from college last year?”

Wow! Stephanie is really fooling everyone! We bet she even still gets carded at the liquor store. Especially because she can only afford the cheap vodka with the kind of money she’s making.

Aging Punk Now Stealing from Grandma’s Medicine Cabinet Out of Necessity

Posted on July 14, 2022 by David Arriaga

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Local punk Buddy Freeman admitted that the pills he steals out of his grandmother’s medicine cabinet used to be for recreation, but now they are needed to treat multiple lingering injuries, confirmed sources who would pay good money for some of that stuff.

“After years of skateboarding, touring, and other stupid shit, I find the simplest tasks tiring and painful. I looked it up on WebMD and found out I have arthritis and something called ‘Train Hopper’s Knee.’ Thankfully, the pills I need are right at my fingertips every time I pay a visit to Gam Gam,” said Freeman while chasing a handful of pills with a swig of vodka. “I always thought these things were just for fun, but now I can’t even get off the couch without a couple of these bad boys. Last month Gam took a nasty spill so fingers crossed that the next batch has a little more kick.”

Despite his chronic pain, Freeman still splits all the stolen drugs 80/20 with his roommate Chris “Roach” Torres.

“This is another example of a non-working punk having to resort to stealing from his own grandmother to treat his pain, and his friends are left with almost no pills with which to get high,” said Roach while flushing last night’s regrets down the toilet. “But we have a decent system. Buddy goes to his grandma’s place once a month for dinner, takes the leftover pills, then drives her to pick up the refills. The old bat isn’t all there so I doubt she even knows what she’s missing. I cry thinking about how many of these beauties went to waste before we came along.”

Jeff Goldman, a sales rep for Plaxx Pharmaceuticals, says the current health care system is operating to gain maximum profit.

“If we gave people the exact doses they needed to treat all their problems then there would be no room for a black market,” said Goldman. “Dependency is where the profit is. The trick is people enjoy them too much and don’t notice the damage they’re doing to their bodies. Before they know it they’re in their late twenties with the joints of a geriatric patient. We charge whatever the hell we want and people will still have to pay. Oh, and don’t get me started on diabetes, that goose that lays golden eggs.”

At press time, Freeman admitted that the ADHD meds he steals from his younger cousin were miraculously helping him understand the latest season of “Westworld.”

Backyard Wrestler Sustains Lifelong Injuries for 17 YouTube Views

Posted on July 14, 2022 by Tim Graham

ALTOONA, Pa. — Gary “Konkey Dong” O’Donnelly is reportedly in stable condition after performing his most punishing stunt yet which has received less than two dozen views since it was posted on YouTube six days ago, according to younger brother and camera operator Cooper.

“I feel like I’m right on the cusp of getting the attention of the big leagues,” said O’Donnelly from his hospital bed. “This was my biggest stunt yet. I tased myself, jumped off of the roof, dropped through a burning tractor tire onto a trampoline, sailed through a plate glass window, and landed in a pile of barbed wire and fluorescent tubes. As I was flying through the air, I just kept thinking about how this video was going to blow the fuck up. Cooper uploaded it and I waited for the views to roll in, but so far, there’s only been 17. And half the views are mine. I’m assuming it’s a glitch at YouTube headquarters that will be worked out soon.”

O’Donnelly’s mother, Ruth, is fully supportive of her son’s aspirations.

“No mother dreams of spending a Tuesday night pulling thumb tacks out of their son’s rear end, but I want Gary to follow his dreams,” said Mrs. O’Donnelly as she swept bloody shards of glass from her patio. “I believe in him, and I’ll always be there to rush him to the hospital when something inevitably goes horribly wrong. What he’s doing with these videos is his art. Unfortunately, his genius might not be appreciated during his lifetime. No, I don’t think it’s hyperbole to call my son the Van Gogh of backyard wrestling, I mean he did lose most of his ear in a Pennsylvania Death Match against Marty the Mooch.”

There’s a growing need for institutions to care for those injured while striving for online attention, according to Richard Holder, director of the Shady Knoll Convalescent Home in Norman, Oklahoma.

“Our facility has a new floor dedicated solely to young people recovering from injuries sustained in the pursuit of likes and views,” said Mr. Holder. “We treat all manner of aspiring internet stars, from backyard wrestlers to mukbangers to milk crate challenge victims. Yes, we treat their physical injuries, but more importantly, we gently try to convince our patients that what they’re doing might not be worth living a short life full of pain and agony.”

At press time, a bedridden O’Donnelly was observed sketching his next stunt, a Rube Goldberg-esque series of life-threatening acts involving car batteries, a live alligator, a wasp nest, and a kiddie pool full of ghost pepper oil.

Photo by Chris Grasso.

What the Fuck: This Guy Just Called My Dead Cat a ‘Vibe’

Posted on July 14, 2022 by Matt McInerney

Everyone has someone in their friend circle that they just can’t stand, and for me, that person is Rob, a man that I can most politely describe as a walking TikTok comment. When I was at a mutual friend’s birthday party and heard “Hi, Felicia!” cut through the cacophony of the party, I knew it was him. I attempted to dive behind a couch before he could see me, but it was too late. I frantically tried to think of something I could say to shut him down as he loomed. “It’s been a rough week, Rob. My cat just died.”

“Damn Gina, that’s totally a vibe!” He responded immediately as if he had it chambered for anything I might say.

I felt my soul leave my body. I was both offended, on behalf of this dead cat that I’d made up, and also completely numb. All I could do was think back on every stupid Rob comment that led up to this.

I can remember the first time I ran into this jackass. I was stuck next to him at a friend’s dinner party. He spent the whole night talking about how “Gucci” Bridgerton was. The mashed potatoes were “savage.” And we were all forced to listen as he told his “#adulting” story about watering his succulents. He said “hashtag” out loud.

And that night at the bar. When I arrived, Rob hunted me down to tell me he’d just finished reading a “lit” Reddit thread on pickup advice. He then proceeded to hit on every woman he managed to make eye contact with. “That outfit slaps! Your shoes are on fleek! That hat is a serve!” He seemed unphased when everyone he approached had to pick up an “emergency” phone call and leave.

Even worse was that poker night. I can’t even count the number of times he yelled “YOLO” as he pushed all his chips in. It wasn’t a money game, so we dealt him back in over and over. Until we finally got tired of him and called for a final hand. Of course, that was the only time he won. Rob celebrated by squatting over his winnings and pretending to tea bag the pile while yelling “powned!”

I have so much trouble accessing the happy moments of my life, and yet every stupid word out of this asshole’s mouth is burned in my memory. So why do my friends keep inviting him places? I just can’t get this idiot out of my head. Can’t anyone else see that this man is clearly sus? …Oh no. …Oh dear god, no. It’s spreading fam.