ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local dog owner Zachary Townsend reportedly couldn’t help but notice how well behaved the unleashed dog he spotted wandering alongside a homeless man was, sources tired of hearing about it confirmed.
“I just want to know how he pulls it off. That dog was right by his side, following him stride for stride,” Townsend explained. “I’ve tried everything with my dog, Birdie, to get her to walk peacefully next to me on a leash. We’ve been to dog classes. We’ve hired trainers to come to our house and teach her. We’ve even tried a dog therapist. I wonder if this wandering man is one of these ‘dog whisperers’ I’ve heard about on TV. Do you think maybe he does classes?”
Experienced dog handler in question, Sky Thomas and his dog Applejack were passing through town, looking for a nearby bus stop.
“Applejack is my trusty sidekick. I found him in a dumpster behind a Bojangles. I fed him half a stale biscuit, and he’s been following me around ever since,” he explained. “Trained? Naw, I can’t afford anything like that. But he will climb into my backpack when I whistle. He taught himself that one.”
Birdie, Townsend’s dog, is sick of this ‘well-behaved dog’ praise at home.
“Who the fuck said I’m not ‘well behaved?’ I do everything for that man. I protect him from even the slightest sign of danger: small clumsy humans, the giant robotic arm monster that steals our blue bin treasures every Thursday, and of course, the mailman,” Birdie explained, while licking her vagina in front of several houseguests. “I basically have to tear my head off on walks to drag him away from peril. Sometimes he stubbornly won’t move, and I’m forced to lunge at our enemies as they walk by. I really don’t know what that idiot would do without me.”
At press time, Applejack was seen pulling a blanket over Thomas as he fell asleep on the long bus ride, while Birdie shredded a $36 throw pillow at home.