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Aging Punk Now Stealing from Grandma’s Medicine Cabinet Out of Necessity

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Local punk Buddy Freeman admitted that the pills he steals out of his grandmother’s medicine cabinet used to be for recreation, but now they are needed to treat multiple lingering injuries, confirmed sources who would pay good money for some of that stuff.

“After years of skateboarding, touring, and other stupid shit, I find the simplest tasks tiring and painful. I looked it up on WebMD and found out I have arthritis and something called ‘Train Hopper’s Knee.’ Thankfully, the pills I need are right at my fingertips every time I pay a visit to Gam Gam,” said Freeman while chasing a handful of pills with a swig of vodka. “I always thought these things were just for fun, but now I can’t even get off the couch without a couple of these bad boys. Last month Gam took a nasty spill so fingers crossed that the next batch has a little more kick.”

Despite his chronic pain, Freeman still splits all the stolen drugs 80/20 with his roommate Chris “Roach” Torres.

“This is another example of a non-working punk having to resort to stealing from his own grandmother to treat his pain, and his friends are left with almost no pills with which to get high,” said Roach while flushing last night’s regrets down the toilet. “But we have a decent system. Buddy goes to his grandma’s place once a month for dinner, takes the leftover pills, then drives her to pick up the refills. The old bat isn’t all there so I doubt she even knows what she’s missing. I cry thinking about how many of these beauties went to waste before we came along.”

Jeff Goldman, a sales rep for Plaxx Pharmaceuticals, says the current health care system is operating to gain maximum profit.

“If we gave people the exact doses they needed to treat all their problems then there would be no room for a black market,” said Goldman. “Dependency is where the profit is. The trick is people enjoy them too much and don’t notice the damage they’re doing to their bodies. Before they know it they’re in their late twenties with the joints of a geriatric patient. We charge whatever the hell we want and people will still have to pay. Oh, and don’t get me started on diabetes, that goose that lays golden eggs.”

At press time, Freeman admitted that the ADHD meds he steals from his younger cousin were miraculously helping him understand the latest season of “Westworld.”