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Pickleball Is Ruining Society

There is a serious problem sweeping this once great nation. The cause of literally every issue impacting average citizens like you and me. It’s called “Pickleball.”

As you’re reading these words, there are utter hoards of 55+-year-old “active living” seniors filling up every tennis court within a golf cart’s driving distance from their homes. Shouldn’t these people be at work? Shouldn’t they be contributing to society? Apparently, they’ve decided no. They’ve abandoned their roles in the civilized world in favor of pure unadulterated chaos. I’d call it a child’s game but I have never seen a child play it.

These swaths of social dropouts do nothing for our community but make boops and bops that echo through tennis court after tennis court and out into neighborhoods. Children are exposed. Dogs are startled. I am annoyed. The victims are limitless. And don’t get me started on the inadvertent grunts these monsters exude with each strike.

Won’t anyone think of the bike polo players? These defenseless dweeby weirdos have been evicted from court after court to make way for the onslaught of AARP card holders with baby-sized rackets and hollow balls. This means they will be forced into parking garages, bogarting the ever-dwindling supply of accessible parking spaces in city after city until there is zero convenient parking left.

Everyone knows all boomers are involved in some sort of political position in government. If these impotent fucks weren’t so busy hitting balls with their tiny racket things, maybe some general legislation could be passed. Instead, all we hear is the whine of electric leaf blowers clearing the courts nationwide.

If my mom and dad are gonna be spending all of their time smacking balls around, they could at least call in a pizza for their grown dependants every once in a while. A childhood of neglect was plenty, but life as a latchkey adult? No thank you. No millennial should undergo a second round of parental abandonment.