The Chicks Go For Broke On New Single “Murder All Cops and Hail Satan”

Posted on by James Knapp

DALLAS — Acclaimed country-pop band The Chicks shocked fans with the release of their new single, a eight-minute-long, thrash influenced song in which they encourage listeners to “kill shitass cops” and “make a blood pact with the dark lord,” twangy sources confirmed.

“We’ve really had enough with this controlling, right-wing bullshit. If seemingly uncontroversial shit, like criticizing a president or not wanting your band name associated with the antebellum south, is enough to rile up these bootlickers then this track is gonna melt their puny brains,” said Emily Strayer, a Chick. “At a certain point you just gotta take a stand, so we want to let the world know that all blue lives deserve to have their motherfucking dicks shot off. Fuck cops! Hail Satan! Burn this whole fucking dogshit system down.”

Longtime Chicks fan Erlin Myron expressed displeasure and unfocused rage regarding the new single.

“Those chicks have gone too far this time. This is a slap in the face to dixie fans everywhere. I made the mistake of requesting this song at my nephews wedding and now my entire family thinks I’m a dang liberal,” exclaimed Myron while wearing a shirt depicting disgraced former president Donald Trump as some sort of Christ-like Rambo. “Those dang chicks are gonna end up going to H-E-double-hockey-sticks for this blasphemy. All those hurtful things they said about our brave law enforcement officers – who do they think it is that risks their lives every day to keep them safe? The Devil? I don’t think so my friend.”

Lucifer, the bringer of light and lord of the underground, shared his thoughts on The Chicks and their new single.

“You know, I thought it was pretty okay. Typically I listen to all music other than hip hop and country, but this was a good change of pace,” said Satan of the song, which instructs listeners to ‘get down on all fours and give your ass to the Antichrist.’ “Really it was refreshing. I get so many of these gloomy metal bands writing songs for me that they all just kinda blend together. But three nice ladies from The Lone Star State actually taking the time to include me in their ‘cop death’ song – well I’ll be honest I’m just tickled up and down about that. The Chicks are a-o-k in Satan’s book!”

At press time, The Chicks were preparing to head out on the road for their newly titled “The Patriarchy Can Suck All of Our Massive Clits Tour.”

Photo by JD Lasica.

What Having Sex in a Mini Cooper in a Festival Parking Lot Taught Us About How Much We Like Talking About Having Done That

Posted on by James Knapp

As The Hard Times has gotten older, we’ve learned it’s important to reflect on lessons gained from past experiences. There’s one axiom that routinely resonates with us: life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop once in a while and fuck someone in a German-made subcompact, you might miss it.

We might be paraphrasing that a bit. Whatever, here’s what happened that time we got laid and what we learned from it.

It started as these things often do, with our press coverage of a DIY folk-punk festival taking place in the hinterlands of Southern Ohio. We were having a pretty good time when we met a nice lady wearing a velvet hat who told us she knew where to get ecstasy. So, off to the darkened, gravel parking lot we went.

As the MDMA began to kick in and we both started to feel, well, feely about everything, she suggested that no one would probably notice if we got naked in her Mini Cooper for a little while just to see what would happen.

How could we refuse? Being clothed on molly is like being encased in cactus.

So we get in the car and predictably things just start going into other things in the proper order – part of that is because of the drugs, part of its human nature, but mainly it was because both of us could not physically fit in that vehicle together without us being inside each other.

If you think that description is graphic then clearly you’ve never spent forty minutes with your kneecap jammed in a cup holder trying to finish with ecstasy dick.

Anyways, with sex accomplished and the drugs wearing off, we redressed to the best of our abilities and returned to the festival, somehow both enthralled and ashamed by what we had just done. And in the end, we can only be thankful that it was her car and not ours that took the brunt of the intercourse.

So, what did we learn? For starters, detailing pays for itself. But more importantly, being able to brag about having festival sex in a Mini Cooper has given us far more enjoyment than the sex itself could ever hope to.

No offense to whatsername though. We probably should have asked for her name first, but then again she didn’t ask ours either.

How Was I Supposed To Know That Instrumental Band Was Racist?!

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Oh, dude! You’ve gotta check out this band I discovered. I just started listening to them. They came up on Spotify after I was listening to my instrumental playlist. They’re so sick! I’d even say they’re my new favorite band. You’re gonna love them! Wait, what? What do you mean they’re racist? Well how the hell was I supposed to know that?!

Seriously, how was I supposed to know? Their song came on randomly and I thought it sounded cool. It was kinda folksy and atmospheric. A little Americana sounding. But not in a “Make Americana Great Again” kind of way. I didn’t even know that was a thing. I just thought it was ambient!

So what about the band name? What’s wrong with “Delta Fate?” Or maybe it was “Pelvic Gate.” Wait, let me look at that playlist. Okay, it was “Celtic Hate.” Oh no.

Of course, I haven’t seen the album cover! I didn’t even know the band’s name. Maybe I saw a tiny little itty bitty thumbnail of it for a second. It looked kinda like an asterisk or something on the cover. Something you’d see on like a Red Hot Chili Peppers album. Well, if you say so, I can give it a closer look. Yeah, that’s an Iron Cross, isn’t it?

What do I do?! I feel terrible. Should I write up an apology? And who do I make it out to? Do I tweet it? Maybe we just don’t tell anyone. Oh God, I haven’t even looked at my Spotify wrapped yet. I hope this doesn’t show up on it.

Venue Installs Fake Amp Heads for Drunk Guys in Crowd to Tweak

Posted on by Collin Canning

FREDERICTON, New Brunswick — Local DIY venue Zamboni’s recently installed a state-of-the-art false amp head that allows drunk patrons to incessantly tweak the sound knobs without interfering with the actual audio coming from the speakers, impressed sources report.

“It’s been a real pain in the ass, these drunk guys jumping in to do sound when no one asked,” said bartender, Em Knox while pouring two drinks, ringing in a customer, and motioning for security to grab a guy that was smoking inside. “There’s one bouncer one waiter, and me. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna drop what I’m doing to keep some soused wannabe sound tech from over-cranking the gain on a band I can’t stand anyway. We set up a couple of busted amp heads at the front of the stage and it’s been a godsend. They sit there the entire set trying to ‘fine tune’ everything without realizing it’s doing jack shit.”

The bands playing at Zamboni’s have hailed the fake amp heads as game changers in combatting drunk helpfulness.

“Every time I play here, some jackass starts fiddling with my carefully adjusted knobs,” said Dork Juice guitarist, Scott McMaster. “It would take me days, if not weeks, to get my settings back to the exact way I like them to deliver my famous guitar tone. Thank god for these fake amp heads were installed. Now I can enjoy myself on stage knowing no one’s tweaking my shit and also that these drunks in the crowd get a sense of purpose. At the end of the day, it’s all about the audience after all!”

Spearheading the technical innovation was a suspiciously accredited “Drunk Guy At Rock Show” expert, Dr. Barry Bernier, who studied Drunk Guy tendencies for over 15 years, specializing in DIY venue behavior.

“The fake amp head is indistinguishable from the real thing by your typical drunk guy,” stated Dr. Bernier attaching electrodes to a guy wearing a Sleep t-shirt. “In one test we provided the drunk subjects with a blank cardboard box with knobs on it, which they initially took to, but we found ultimately that the more realistic the depiction of the amp head, the more engaged the subjects were. We are also trying to perfect hologram technology that will project a guitarist’s pedal board in front of a drunk attendee for them to attempt to manipulate, but that is still in the developmental stages.”

At press time, Zamboni’s was reportedly installing an additional five fake amp heads to facilitate the growing demand for shit to drunkenly fiddle with.

Photo by James Knapp.

Today The Hard Times Celebrates Eight Years of Comprehensive Reporting

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The Hard Times launched on December 14, 2014, and since then we have continued to bring you the most hard-hitting, unbiased reporting in the entire world. To celebrate this momentous occasion we compiled the first five articles we ever posted. Go ahead and revisit them, give them a read and see how much we’ve evolved over the years.

Henry Rollins to Start Third Black Flag

Read the full article here…

Bandmates Confused After Straight Edge Singer Brings Podium to First Practice

Read the full article here (and yes, we know it’s a lectern)…

 

Police Sketch of Suspect Matches Every Skinhead in Existence

Read the full article here…

 

Punk House Surprisingly Clean

Read the full article here…

Band Pretty Sure It’s Safe To Park Van Here Overnight

Read the full article here…

 

Harvey Danger Inducted Into Rock and Roll Hall of 15 Minutes of Fame

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — The newly established Rock and Roll Hall of 15 Minutes of Fame announced that they were inducting ‘90s alternative music sensations Harvey Danger as part of their 2022 inaugural class, sources who were admittedly not sick but also not well confirmed.

“It’s just nice to get recognition for something other than being ‘that band with that one song that was in a movie that came out 25 years ago,’” said singer of the band Sean Nelson while adding the achievement to his LinkedIn profile. “This actually means more to us than that other more mainstream rock and roll one, which weirdly only recognizes bands that had a lasting impression. Who wants to be a part of that? As a band, your goal should be to write one hit, have it do numbers on the charts, and then vanish into the night as if it never even happened. We’ve been living the dream this whole time in complete obscurity.”

Members of the public were happy for the band.

“You just couldn’t avoid ‘Flagpole Sitta’ during that brief moment in time,” said Jules Headthrows, who knows all the words of the song against her will. “Believe me, I tried, but the radio and MTV had other plans. They also played it in grocery stores, commercials, pubs, parties, bar mitzvahs, and every funeral I attended that year. Then all of the sudden, the band and the song seemed to disappear completely right out from under our ears. So yeah, I can’t think of a band that deserves this more.”

Reginald Dellingware, director of the Rock and Roll Hall of 15 Minutes of Fame, had a lot of special surprises planned for the ceremony.

“Not only is Harvey Danger scheduled to play that one song a handful of times, but the band is also going to be inducted by none other than the singer of Marcy Playground and the bass player for Candlebox,” said Dellingware. “Sure, we’ve been getting a ton of flack online for allegedly snubbing Semisonic, and there was a strong case to be made for Blind Melon, but I assure you there’s plenty of room for all your favorite late ‘90s short-lived stars to be included in the future.”

At press time, the band received more great news when they were informed that the Grammy’s were giving them an Almost Lifetime Achievement Award.

“U Up? And Curious About Transparent Overdrives?” Texts Lonely Sweetwater Rep at 2 A.M.

Posted on by John Danek

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Lonely, depressed Sweetwater sales engineer Hank Grenell texted a former shopper to see if he was awake and curious about pedals, according to transcripts.

“Hey man, u up? We got some new transparent overdrives from MXR called the Duke of Tone, curious to try one out?” stated the disturbing early morning text from Grenell, who is one of the music retailer’s longest-serving employees. “I was just thinking about you and that K&M telescoping boom mic stand you bought a few months ago. How’s it working out? Do you have a band? I’d love to listen to any demos you have. If you’re near Fort Wayne, Indiana, you should come over. I miss you. I miss us.”

Mark Thompson, the former Sweetwater customer and recipient of Grenell’s upsetting messages, is weirded out by the whole experience.

“It’s such a bizarre customer service strategy—you buy one mic stand and they start calling you like you lived in a college dorm together,” said Thompson, who barely plays guitar anymore. “I used to get annoyed at how standoffish Guitar Center employees could be. But I much rather have some elitist dickhead ignore me than call when I’m home eating wings or text me in the middle of the night. Also, why would I want a transparent overdrive? I fucking suck at guitar, so I need a Boss DS-1 or Big Muff Pi to mask my mistakes. The world does not need another boring transparent overdrive.”

Sweetwater’s chief marketing officer recently unveiled plans to unleash even more invasive customer retention strategies.

“Sweetwater is about to disrupt the music gear customer service experience yet again,” explained CMO Dorothy Taffer. “Our plan is to have undercover sales engineers move next door to our highest volume customers and start bands with them. They can then suggest new gear daily—our valuation is going to go through the roof. You’re going to miss the days we only called and emailed you, because now we’re going to be at your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah.”

At press time, Grenell was reportedly offering unique Sweetwater coupon codes to Tinder matches.

Top 5 Ways To Make Your Partner Oi! During Sex

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Relationships are tough, and with all the butt stuff going on now they’ve only gotten trickier. So, the sexologists at the Hard Times are here with the top five ways to make your partner Oi! during sex!

This is the talk your parents were too square to have!

Use your husky, working person’s voice to whisper about the corruption of Parliament directly into their ear
If there’s anything guaranteed to get your partner going, it’s whispering about the British Parliamentary system during sex. If you have nothing but your working-class ideals and blisters from a hard day’s work, huskily whisper your mistrust of power and feel your lover melt beneath you.

Click the heels of your work boots behind your head
Contorting your body into a uniquely uncomfortable sexual position is one of the quickest ways to make your partner Oi! so loud Boris Johnson’s hair moves. The clickety-clack of those boots, dirty from hours and hours of hard labor, will have them squealing “Oi! Oi! Oi!” until it’s time to clock in for their next shift at the factory on the other side of town.

Start a band instead of doing anything meaningful mid-pump
Starting a band instead of joining your own workplace union or providing meals to striking workers picketing for healthcare mid-stroke will drive them CRAZY. Plus, it will definitely get the word out about working-class struggles better than boring volunteer work.

Lock arms with a bunch of strangers right before the chorus of their favorite Cock Sparrer song
A good sex playlist is a must, and somewhere between Ginuwine and John Mayer, you need a cache of Cock Sparrer, Sham 69, and the 4-Skins songs. When the chorus of their favorite Cock Sparrer song starts, lock arms with all the sweaty weirdos that were drinking in your closet! The more people you bring out, the louder and more intense your partner will Oi!

When they aren’t looking, steal their wallet
Nothing could be sexier than reminding your partner that the two of you just met and that your name really isn’t Jon Dansbury of Stratford-upon-Avon than stealing their license, credit card, and old Subway Club punch card while they quake in the balm of fornication.

If you follow these helpful tips, you’ll have your partner Oi’ing every night! And always remember, if your Oi sex lasts 4 minutes or longer, call a doctor.

Review: Citizen “Youth”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

This week we’ve decided to take ourselves a gander at Michigan and Ohio’s own Citizen and their debut album “Youth.” We figured who better to expose an LP named “Youth” to than a cafeteria full of senior citizens at the nursing home a short drive from our headquarters. We did just that, and here’s what they thought:

Herman Kleinschmidt, age 91: “Why, I haven’t heard a voice this full of pith and vinegar since Maurice Chevalier belted out ‘Auld Lang Syne’ on top of the Sears Tower to ring in 1945!”

Glenda Rupp-Simmons, age 79: “Oh, dear, I can’t hear anything without my doohickey turned up. And I simply just don’t want to turn it up, you see?”

Ronald Wrillingsly, age 80: “(unintelligible muttering, but to be fair, he seemed like he was searching for his dentures.)”

Ethel Jane Manillawicz, age 98: “I mean, I don’t usually go for post-hardcore, emo-y stuff like this, but I saw them at Riot Fest the year this came out and they were actually pretty solid. Great stuff to skate to, trust me.”

Herman Kleinschmidt, age 91: “Hey, what’s the big idea walking away from me like that? I got more to say on that night I saw Chevalier! Why, there was nary a dry eye in all the Windy City that New Year’s Eve.”

Chad Lazenby, age 14: “Please, please, PLEASE don’t tell the staff here my real age. It was either run away to this place, and wrinkle up my face every morning, or join the circus…and have you ever actually tried to join a circus? These days you have to have a damn PHD in juggling before they even talk to you!”

Ronald Wrillingsly, age 80: “Ah, got my teeth in, snug as a bug in a rug. Now, where was I…oh yes, (blows big, performative raspberry)”

Herman Kleinschmidt, age 92: “Hey look at that, it’s my birthday! I almost forgot! Anyhow, what’s that? Maurice Chevalier?? Never heard of him!”

Francine Vivaldi, age 95: “Psst, hey kid! If I pretend to keel over dead, will you drag me out of here and I can make my getaway? It’s the perfect crime, c’mon.”

After that, we got a little freaked out and left. Boy, the lengths we’ll go for free pudding!

Score: Every last one of them dozed off before we could ask. It was wild.

 

Spotify Sells Every Bright Eyes Listener’s Data to BetterHelp

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

OMAHA, Neb. — Streaming giant Spotify reportedly sold the data of over one million Bright Eyes listeners to online therapy platform BetterHelp, depressed sources confirmed.

“Waking up to an email from BetterHelp offering me a free month for being in the top 0.001% of Bright Eyes fans felt like a personal attack,” said longtime listener Bella Rowe. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not canceling my subscription over this until I’ve had enough time to listen to all of the new companion EPs, but it really sucks to get sold out. Everyone knows that it’s only okay for Spotify to use your data for cool shit like Wrapped and exclusive presale codes for certain tours. At least I have a free month of therapy to talk to someone about how violated I feel.”

Casual Spotify user Jenna Walmsley was similarly confused as to why the streaming platform shared her personal information with BetterHelp.

“Selling out the top fans is one thing, but handing my very-not-dedicated-fan data over to BetterHelp is so wrong,” Walmsley said while deleting yet another promotional email from the therapy platform. “I don’t even like Bright Eyes. Minus the one time I dated this pretentious English major who bragged about owning a ‘Fevers and Mirrors’ vinyl in his Tinder bio, I’ve never listened to them. Okay, I’ve cried to a few of their older albums during vulnerable moments, but only with private listening enabled. That shouldn’t count.”

Despite the outcry from Spotify users, BetterHelp marketing coordinator Madeline York doubled down to defend the purchase.

“All parties involved, willingly or not, are going to benefit from this deal in the long run,” said York. “Spotify gets more money to put towards another alpha male podcaster, we get an influx of new clients, and Bright Eyes listeners finally stand a chance at getting the therapy that they desperately need, so long as they can find someone on our platform with the right credentials.”

At press time, BetterHelp landed in hot water once again after leaked emails alleged that executives sold audio recordings of clients’ therapy sessions to Conor Oberst for use in future Bright Eyes songs.

Photo by Madeline McCarty.