Opinion: I’ll Know I’ve Made It When I Can Finally Afford Much Less Comfortable Furniture

Every night I sink into the familiar arms of the couch that has sat in my living room for the last decade. The way the pleather perfectly hugs my body serves as a tangible reminder that I still can’t afford that absurdly chic concrete chair from Design Within Reach. They say “dress for the job you want” but I’m desperately trying to decorate for the lifestyle I want. Clearly, I’m not there yet and this couch won’t let me forget it.

Don’t get me wrong, I really am trying. I just got these metal bar stools to replace my dining room set. They’re wildly uncomfortable, but at a mere $300 apiece, I’m not even in the ballpark of sophistication. It’s not as tragic as a Wayfair deal, but it’s basically the bottom of the Crate and Barrel.

What’s really missing from my open-plan kitchen/office/living room is a stiff, primary-colored geometric chair. Imagine reclining for a few fleeting moments in a piece more concerned with resembling a Mondrian than accommodating the human form.

Or picture a glass-top dining table set with four untouched cardboard Wiggle chairs. Not that I’m anywhere near affording that. I learned this the hard way after sneaking into a swanky hotel lobby and daring to lounge in one. Imagine my horror as I spilled my coffee and watched the chair slowly melt into nothing. I’m still chipping away at that $1,500 invoice.

But alas, here I am, stuck looking at this used La-Z-Boy I snagged off Craigslist during my college years. Worn perfectly to the shape of my frog-like butt, angled just right for binge-watching TV. Oh, how I’d love to replace it with an Eames chair so deep I have to strain my neck to see a screen.

Perhaps one day I’ll ascend to the pinnacle of high-end discomfort. Until then, I remain nestled in the embrace of my pedestrian furniture, comfortably numb. Longing for the day when that concrete chair will make my ass just regular numb. Plus, it’ll look fucking fantastic on Instagram.

Every Outfit On a Weezer Album Cover Ranked By How Likely I Am to Wear It to My Sister’s Wedding

My older sister Randie is finally tying the knot, and we haven’t exactly been on the best of terms since I crashed her Jeep into a few parked cars during a beer run, but she’s reluctantly still inviting me at the behest of my parents. Since I work from home (read: stream on Twitch and collect unemployment) and my social life isn’t exactly flourishing, I’m at a loss as to what to wear on such an occasion. So I’m looking to Weezer, a band that amazingly has zero misses in their 30-year career, to solve my sartorial dilemma.

30. Rivers Cuomo “Blue Album”

I guess I’d put this on if I was an 8-year-old ring bearer, but my nephew Walter already has that job and that kid bites real hard. He had the nerve to tell Randie that I was smoking cigarettes in the her bathroom during Thanksgiving dinner last year, I wasn’t smoking. I was snorting pills.

29. Patrick Wilson “Make Believe”

Not sure what’s going on here, but this album is where Pat’s hair loss becomes really obvious. Well, mine’s falling out too and I think it’s probably because when I was 18 I tried dipping a joint in Nair to see what would happen. Anyway, I don’t want to bring any more attention to that. Especially with a weird print t-shirt and a pair of Sketchers.

28. Mikey Welsh “Green Album”

This is the only album cover Mikey Welsh appears on and he looks SO uncomfortable. Almost like his mom dressed him for the shoot and he fought her on it the whole time. If a guy who previously played in a band called Left Nut can’t rock a fit with confidence, I have no chance at all.

27. Patrick Wilson “White Album”

It’s hard to tell what’s going on in this picture, but whatever it is, it makes me anxious. He looks like an off-duty cop that wants to beat the shit out of someone trying to shoplift a trinket from a store on the boardwalk. Hard pass.

26. Scott Shriner “Make Believe’

It’s almost as if the band realized Shriner looked way too tough to play in Weezer, and honestly, anyone that signs up for one cardio kickboxing class is probably too tough to play in Weezer. This forced them to dress Scott up like an awkward 7th grader to compensate. Well, last time I went to a gym they called the cops on my for drinking the hand soap.

25. Patrick Wilson “Blue Album”

This one just screams “It’s laundry day and I’m out of quarters.” I get that drummers need to dress comfortably but that shirt is very see-through. Last time I wore a see-through shirt my parents saw my “Fuck Me Raw” tattoo on my back and wrote me out of the will.

24. Rivers Cuomo “Black Album”

Remember when Wile E. Coyote would be chasing the roadrunner and he’d set up an elaborate trap involving a bucket of tar, but end up getting the tar poured all over him, then just stand there looking defeated? That’s what Rivers looks like here. Not the vibe I’m going for.

23. Brian Bell “Green Album”

This guy is way too handsome to play in a dorky band like Weezer and he knows it. He can probably wear a Wegman’s bag and make it look like high fashion. The military jacket with the strappy things on the shoulders is a little too Franz Ferdinand for my taste, though.

22. Rivers Cuomo “Make Believe”

This one’s giving off serious “what did you think of my improv show” energy. Maybe my cousins from West Virginia would think I’m cool and artsy, but they’d most likely have a lot of (correct) assumptions about my sexuality.

21. Brian Bell “White Album”

Once again, it’s hard to tell what’s happening here, but his posture is oozing with pretty boy confidence so I’ll trust that the fit is a homerun. If only I had his lion’s mane of hair and not something akin to Bill Murray in Scrooged.

20. Girl On Swing “Pacific Daydream”

Randie LOVED to dress me up in girl’s clothes when I was little, so maybe I’ll beat her to the punch with this one and roll up looking cuter than the maid of honor. What could possibly go wrong?

19. Matt Sharp “Blue Album”

This one’s giving me “we just had a night of great sex and I’m making us pancakes” energy and not quite wedding material. If only I could make the disheveled look as endearing as Matt Sharp does. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had sex. I know I cried a lot, and my wallet got stolen.

18. Brian Bell “Make Believe”

This strikes me as a young, hip college professor that definitely hooks up with his students. At some point I’d have to pull out my pocket watch and declare that I’m late for my Burroughs book club meeting.

17. Scott Shriner “White Album”

Not gonna lie, showing up to a family function looking like a deep background actor in “Road Warrior” would be delightfully antisocial. Might need to employ a fog machine. Strong contender, but the wedding is in August and I sweat more than doctors think is humanly possible.

16. Rivers Cuomo “Green Album”

Maybe my wedding gift to Randie will be flashbacks of the time I learned how to play “Basket Case” and would terrorize her by playing it at full blast at all hours of the night. But I pawned my guitar a few years back to get my nipples pierced. Then I pawned my amp to pay for medications to cure the infection I ended up getting. Keep your nipple piercings clean people.

15 IDLES Songs That Inadvertently Made Us Experts In British Political Science

Love them or hate them, IDLES is a band. What many people don’t know is that they’re also super fucking British. Their politically outspoken material has ruffled more than its fair share of feathers, while simultaneously educating audiences worldwide about the horrors of the UK. Here are 15 of their most scathing tracks that made our British History course in college – or uni as the Brits call it – an even bigger waste of time and money than it already was.

“Mother”

“Mother,” from IDLES debut full-length, ‘Brutalism,’ serves as one of the band’s many working class anthems. Many uneducated American listeners hear the chorus refrain “the best way to scare a Tory is to read or get rich,” and think that the band really hates people named Tory. They’re dead wrong. “Tories” are the United Kingdom’s equivalent to the State’s Republicans. You read that right. Even the idyllic wonderland that is Great Britain has asshole conservatives in office.

“Great”

MAGA assholes aren’t the only people trying to make things “great” again. Racism and anti-immigration sentiment are alive and well across the pond too. In this song “Blighty,” which is a fading post-war colloquial term for England, “wants his country back.” If the pre-chorus is any indicator, which advises him that “Islam didn’t eat” his “hamster,” “Blighty” mostly wants a country free from diversity. Sound familiar? Yep! Other countries are hell too!

“I’m Scum”

The members of IDLES have been criticized for this song by contemporaries who claim they weren’t being forthright about their middle-class upbringings. It certainly may be true that lead singer Joe Talbot has never lived in council housing as his lyrics suggest. Still, it’s nice to know that even British scene morality clauses attempt to stifle otherwise valid attempts to raise awareness of poverty for the sake of clout. We kinda thought that was exclusively an American thing.

“Well Done”

Okay, we guess this one isn’t entirely political, but it does seem to suggest a widening generation gap in England not unlike the one we’ve seen in the States. This song runs the gamut of the youth’s perceived shortcomings by old jaded fucks such as; not having gainful employment, failing to gain notoriety, and, of course, a lack of appreciation for famed British food journalist Mary Berry.

“Meds”

Imposter syndrome is a heavy theme on this one. Talbot details the pressures of attempting to normalize into a homogeneous society, and the feeling of being a cog. It also suggests that much of mental health treatment is too focused on getting people in line versus allowing patients to live fruitful unique lives. “Meds” essentially questions the existence of normality at large. Such heavy inquiries are surely uniquely British, we assume. There’s also a line in there suggesting meditation as a healthy practice, but we really couldn’t be bothered to pretend to care enough to analyze it.

“Divide and Conquer”

Health care might be abysmal in America but it also sucks in other countries too, notably Great Britain. “Divide and Conquer” was written about a push from conservative members of Parliament to privatize the NHS, or Nation Health System. This was a political measure that Talbot ultimately attributed to his mother’s death. There’s not really a joke here. Rich politicians just suck ass on both sides of the pond.

“The New Sensation”

While the world didn’t really need another “do the *insert new dance craze or whatever here*” song, IDLES delivered one anyway. This track has several targets, but mostly seems to be lashing out at England’s bungled attempts to manage the pandemic, particularly in the field of service industry workers recouping financial losses. Instead of delivering aid to these struggling sectors of employment, the British government put up adverts (that’s English for advertisements) suggesting those in the entertainment industry simply uproot their professions and learn coding or some shit. As any developed nation can tell you, most performers are absolute dog-shit at tech. Needlessly to say, the messaging was less than successful.

“Danny Nedelko”

Friend of the band and lead singer of the noise-rock outfit Heavy Lungs, Danny Nedelko, immigrated from Ukraine to England when he was fifteen years old. At the height of Brexit – which we still don’t fully understand despite now being well-versed in British politics – anti-immigration sentiment in England was at its peak. In response, IDLES penned this fan-favorite track as a tribute not just to their friend, but to the vibrant culture that immigrants bring to their otherwise boring-as-hell country.

“Carcinogenic”

You may think of England as a complete and total paradise that has capitalism figured out for all of its citizens. To that we say, wake up you fucking idiot. You didn’t need to ace British History to know that the class divide is thriving in other parts of the world too. “Carcinogenic” blames the wealthy elite for everything from soulless 9-5 labor to worsening drug habits among the lower classes. If you’re not going to listen to the track, at least read a book and stop living in a fantasy world.

“Rottweiler”

Did you know that Rottweilers are excellent herding dogs often used on farms to corral sheep and cows? Now you do. Not only are IDLES constantly educating their audience on the political turmoil of their homeland, they’re also throwing a little cynology in the mix. In “Rottweiler,” the band turns the breed into a metaphor suggesting that tabloid newspapers herd their readers into political indifference, much like Rottweilers lead their livestock to slaughter. Sure, it’s a pretty overused metaphor but maybe it bears repeating. Turns out a lot can happen when you’re focused on how many outfit changes Taylor Swift had on the Eras Tour. Looking at you, Greg.

“I Dream Guillotine”

During the French Revolution, the guillotine became a noted symbol of the “Reign of Terror,” in which French Revolutionaries publicly executed thousands of members of the elite class. We think, at least. Remember, we’re experts in British Political Culture now, not French. Either way, this song is a scathing rebuke of the wealthy elite in Britain and their contribution to the decline of the country’s working class. It’s been said this song is also a criticism of something called “Thatcherism,” but we’ve been too lazy to look into it.

“Never Fight A Man With A Perm”

This song was featured in a pretty pivotal scene from the BBC hit “Peaky Blinders.” It’s been noted that the series was the most accurate representation of British Political history ever made. Like most modern songs that were featured in the period piece, we’re not sure if this one actually holds any relevance to the featured topic matter. What we do know is that “Never Fight A Man With A Perm” is a scathing diss track aimed at the exact types of toxic males that typically worship the show. Surely sticking it to the man with an ironic needle drop is a major component of British politics, so we would be remiss not to include this one.

“War”

Talbot has stated the “war” mentioned in this song is one of symbolic nature. A metaphor for a conflict within one’s self. We’re pretty sure we know the song better than him, though, and it’s clearly a beat-for-beat retelling of World War I. In case you aren’t experts like us, WWI had a profound impact on Britain’s economy, culture, and politics. Some argue the ramifications of the bloody conflict are still felt today within the nation’s attitudes, class structure, and economic woes. Nice try though, Joe.

“Stockholm Syndrome”

Many assumed this was a Blink-182 cover upon reading the tracklisting of the band’s fourth LP “Crawler.” Sadly the wool had been pulled over their eyes as listeners quickly discovered it was yet another of the band’s socio-political think pieces. “Stockholm Syndrome” explores the bitter class divide in England while suggesting those under both sides are in reality held under the oppressive thumb of Parliament. It was actually pretty hard for us to understand this one, because it’s so unlike the current situation in the States.

“Reigns”

In the opening verse of “Reigns,” Talbot asks how it feels to have “blue blood running through your veins.” Before you start pondering your fragile anatomy and fleeting life, you should note that Blue Bloods is British slang for aristocrats. The metaphors don’t end there, either. During the song’s chorus, you might have imagined Talbot engaging in a little horseplay, perhaps trotting across a stage on all fours asking his bandmates to ‘pull on’ his ‘reins.’ That is sadly not the case, as Talbot is referring to the way the wealthy ruling class in Great Britain often slows down progress for the working class, metaphorically pulling on their reins. You would have probably put that together if you had taken the time to notice that they spelled it ‘reigns.’

Photo by Alexander Kellner

Nine Inch Nails Merch Table Out of Medium Mesh Tank Tops Again

SAN DIEGO — The Nine Inch Nails merch table was once again sold out of medium-sized mesh tank tops within 25 minutes of doors opening, according to irritated sources forced to wear regular shirts for once.

“I understand the frustration of fans who were hoping to pick up a $59.95 mesh tank from one of our stands,” acknowledged Duane Funkel, Merchandising Manager for the long-running industrial rock band. “We thought we stocked enough of them, but the incredible demand outpaced our expectations. To be honest, a lot of the people complaining don’t really have the body for a transparent mesh tank, but that’s neither here nor there. Nonetheless, we carry plenty of other medium-sized items any NIN fan is sure to love. We still have medium leather pants, trench coats, and steampunk welding goggles. Those are sure to please any diehard Trent-head.”

The recurring problem has led many to point a finger at the band’s frontman, Trent Reznor, who responded to the backlash.

“There’s a malicious rumor going around that it was me who bought all of the medium mesh tanks,” objected Reznor as he took a break from his post-show ritual of using a Oujia board and getting totally spooked. “That’s ridiculous. First of all, I can tell you’re staring at the shirt I have on right now. It’s fishnet, not mesh. Do these morons even know the difference? Second of all, I’m an XL. The reports on the internet of me being 5’7” are completely false. I’m a tall, scary boy and I don’t wear mediums!”

According to journalist Stella Atkins, plenty of other bands have had similar issues with iconic merch items.

“Many artists and musicians have their own version of the coveted NIN tank,” explained Atkins. “Ramones fans wear leather jackets, Pearl Jam fans wear flannel, and Pantera fans…well, they’re usually shirtless. But my point is that when there is one specific thing associated with a band, you can expect it to sell out quickly. Sometimes, it can spread beyond the merch table and impact worldwide supplies. After all, who could forget when Breaking Benjamin and Puddle of Mudd toured, causing the worldwide Jorts Shortage of 2008?”

As of press time, Funkel announced that the merch table had also unfortunately run out of pentagram necklaces, corsets, and SPF 250 sunblock.

Every SNFU Album Ranked Worst to Best

Indiana Jones was introduced to the world in the year 1981, and so was Canada’s SNFU. Both traveled the world having oddball adventures, searching for mysterious artifacts, fighting Nazis on tanks – and both had plenty of influence on the future of their art forms. Raiders re-invented the action-adventure genre the way SNFU re-invented hardcore. They also have in common imitators who could never capture their inherent silliness. What they don’t have in common is the habit of releasing bullshit – there is no bad SNFU record. Nevertheless, we ranked them and put one in last place. Don’t bother trying this with Jones.

8. Never Trouble Trouble Until Trouble Troubles You (2013)

It would be easy to dismiss the only Belke-less SNFU album for that fact alone, and that’s probably what we’re doing. Still thrashing and tight ‘til Tuesday, the guitars are missing the brothers’ radioactive/mutant quality, much easier to notice when it’s gone. The late Mr. Chi Pig is belting out his cutesy horror lyrics nearly as well as ever and, coming out of a rough period of addiction and homelessness, that’s a more impressive miracle than getting a crowd to make really tiny fish sandwiches or healing some jerk with leprosy. Let’s hope he gets resurrected faster than this other guy.

Play it again: “Donald the Dead”
Skip it: “Speed Weenie”

7. FYULABA (1996)

Geography dictates that there are countless similarities between Vancouver and Seattle. Trees and mountains are everywhere, it won’t stop raining, and hard drugs could feasibly be elected Mayor. This is a very Vancouver album – green and grimy and soaking wet and Bif Naked is here – except for the song that takes place in Virginia with Lorena Bobbitt cutting her husband’s cheating doodle off. That’s cool, but it’s a 3,000-mile jump in location. Was no one paying attention to continuity?

Play it again: “Gaggle of Friends”
Skip it: “Charlie Still Smirks”

6. Something Green and Leafy This Way Comes (1993)

There weren’t many SNFU shows without “Reality is a Ride on the Bus” or “Painful Reminder” in the setlist, and there are other gems on this album too – but when an emergency rehab stint a few days into recording sidelines your producer, you may lose some of the sonic intensity you were hoping would be your top cherry. The blazing Belke attack is somewhat neutered, and that snare drum is bordering on Snapcase. Chi is, as always, a suitably jovial/disturbing host.

Play it again: “Joni Mitchell Tapes”
Skip it: “Seven Minutes Closer to Death”

5. If You Swear, You’ll Catch No Fish (1986)

Fresh off of pretty much inventing melodic hardcore, these freaks are already fucking with the formula. “What if Jerry Lee Lewis was Darby Crash?” seems to be the seed of “The Devil’s Voice,” while “I Forget” sounds as if AC/DC had their first show at the 9:30 Club. The only problem here is the blatant lie in the title – you had at least one grandparent who both cursed a blue streak and could easily snatch up a rainbow trout with their bare hands.

Play it again: “Black Cloud”
Skip it: “Welcome to My Humble Life of Disarray”

4. Better Than a Stick in the Eye (1988)

Leading off with an ad for their new venture as futon salesmen, SNFU are all business on this record. Sure, for this band a G.I. Joe coming to life and raging with murderous penis envy is all in a day’s work, and laying the groundwork for the entire future of skate punk is something you can just do whenever you feel like it. Seriously, go out to your garage right now and try it. Just watch out for that old box of action figures.

Play it again: “Time to Buy a Futon”
Skip it: “Postman’s Pet Peeve”

 

3. …And No One Else Wanted to Play (1985)

One of those “instant classics,” a term so overused it lost all meaning until it was brought back to life by the writing of this article. This instant classic hits the ground not only running but already chasing down prey – it’s speedy, it’s thrashy, it’s gnarly, it’s… catchy?! Sure is, and we can still hear the influence of this album today. Also noteworthy is that this band is from Edmonton, which until now we thought was a fictional city like Metropolis or Saskatoon.

Play it again: “Loser at Life/Loser at Death”
Skip it: “Bodies in the Wall”

2. The One Voted Most Likely to Succeed (1995)

The mid-’90s were a pivotal time for SNFU. Punk records were finally sounding like they were made in a real studio with real engineers, which was good because at the time they were selling an absurd amount of them while writing the catchiest shit ever. This was also a time when science was the closest they’d ever gotten to figuring out what the fuck is happening on any of the band’s album covers. Looking at them for an extended period is discouraged, you’d have a better chance of staying sane if you were taking care of a remote mountain hotel for the winter.

Play it again: “Drunk on a Bike”
Skip it: “Manuel”

1. In the Meantime and In Between Time (2004)

At the time of its release, many had forgotten about SNFU or assumed they had petered out the way bands do. Unexpectedly, after eight long silent years, they unleash this blast of speed, riffage, and absurdity that tears through town like a tornado. The playing is sphincter-tight and Chi Pig is in top form on both the page and the mic. When those burners are firing, they can go places that no one else can. If we have the guts, they’re happy to take us along for the ride.

Play it again: “I Think Fine Art’s Fine”
Skip it: If you don’t care for fine art.

Fabric of Small Town Society Torn Apart After Teenage Punk Exposes its Bullshit Hypocrisy

SPEARFISH, S.D. – A small town is mired in chaos after teenage punk Jill Mulgrove said that the town’s government, church, and businesses are in collusion to screw over poor people, reported sources from atop the smoldering mound of rubble that was once city hall.

“It all started after I refused to pledge allegiance to the flag in homeroom,” said Mulgrove as she warmed her hands over a barrel fire while wearing fingerless gloves. “I said the flag represented how much these institutions are in kahoots to systematically extract wealth and resources from vulnerable populations and that I wouldn’t support it. Well instead of flipping out, I saw something click in Mr. Antonio’s head. Like he had suddenly realized something. He just said class was canceled and quickly left the room. Soon other teachers were walking out while breaking windows and stuff. It was like instant anarchy. Shit ruled.”

Angelica Summers, Mulgrove’s best friend, is proud that her friend initiated such drastic social change, despite how hard the upheaval has affected the Summers family.

“It’s rare to be able to make real change in this world,” relayed Summers as she asked us if we had any canned goods to spare. “So for that I’m very proud. However it turns out that anarchy is scary. We’ve been practically homeless ever since dad burned his job down. When we tried to withdraw money from the bank the windows were all boarded up and had ‘DEAD INSIDE’ and ‘GREED KILLS’ painted on them. So that was weird. And just this morning I strangled a man with my bare hands for a loaf of bread. But hey, I’m happy to sacrifice some of my family’s privileges for the greater good.”

Spearfish mayor Reginald Thorme is trying his best to get a handle on the rapidly escalating situation.

“Ever since that street urchin opened her trap it’s been bedlam,” said Thorme from a luxurious bunker that also safely houses the town’s priests and business leaders. “Now I’m hearing the same thing is happening in Sturgis, Sioux Falls, and even as far as Minneapolis. I don’t know, this punk thing could get pretty bad if we don’t put a lid on it right now.”

At press time, Mulgrove was seen telling a man trying to read a newspaper that the media is nothing more than a PR wing for capitalism.

The Next Little Free Library? I Just Stole a Ton of Books From Barnes & Noble

Nothing makes a neighborhood cooler than a Little Free Library. Its DIY aesthetic serves as a beacon of hope that, yes, people who live in your immediate vicinity are literate. But while they are mostly a boon for communities, they’re not all perfect. I’ve seen plenty of them on my neighborhood walks filled with garbage like math textbooks, actual human feces, and worst of all, James Patterson novels.

Fortunately, I just found the next best thing. It’s essentially an exact copy of the Little Free Library but on a much larger scale. It’s called “Barnes & Noble” and I just jacked like $400 worth of books from them and no one cared.

First of all, there’s literally an entire display of books the second you walk into the foyer for easy pickings. Yes, they’re mostly shitty cookbooks and C-list children’s picture books but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? I just grabbed ‘em and walked out. Literally nobody stopped me.

One thing I would recommend is to roll in there with baggy clothes. You’d be amazed by how many paperbacks can fit into a pair of breakaway basketball sweats. Yoga pants also work thanks to their elasticity and you can walk out with eight romance novels or one copy of “Infinite Jest.”

Now I’m sure you’re all thinking that I could just visit an actual library instead of committing larceny. Well I live in a red state, and it’s only a matter of time before the unholy army that is Moms for Liberty rolls through and starts banning everything decent. They’re far less likely to go after a privately owned chain store, which is why I helped myself to all the Howard Zinn I can carry while running out the door at full speed.

When all was said and done I had a pretty good mix of 20th century classics and Criterion Collection movies. And the best part is that when I’m done with them, I can drop them off at my convenient neighborhood miniature book dispensary for all to enjoy and start the cycle anew at the other Barnes & Noble across town.

Besides, this is what they get for trying to push those dumbass Nook e-readers on us.

52 Classic Board Games Ranked by Their Ability To Tear Your Family Apart

Family game night is an excellent way to bring your deepest darkest resentments and conflicts with the people closest to you right up to the surface, and build some new ones along the way! Sure, no one has ever gotten stabbed over “Family Movie Night,” but sometimes you have to figuratively and literally roll the dice.

Here are the top classic board games ranked by their ability to make your family give up on the pretense of concepts like “love” and eat each other like the animals you truly are.

52. Hungry Hungry Hippos

Hippos kill more humans than any other animal in the world, but aside from inviting a few mean jokes toward the heaviest member of your family, there’s very little chance for Hungry Hungry Hippos to tear a family apart forever.

51. Apples to apples

If you’ve never played it, Apples to Apples is basically like an even more dumbed-down version of Cards Against Humanity without the “Against Humanity” part. Just simple, non hentai/AIDS/racism nouns matched to adjectives. Any family game night can have a sore loser, but if this one causes significant friction in your family you guys have way deeper issues to work out.

50. Connect 4

Basically a glorified version of Tic Tac Toe, Connect 4 actually requires you to make pleasant chit-chat in the hopes of distracting your opponent from what’s right in front of their face. If your family can’t enjoy Connect 4 without serious conflict, move out immediately.

49. Checkers

Look, if you’re arguing over a game of checkers, it has nothing to do with the checkers and everything to do with the fact that you hate your siblings.

48. Dream Phone

Unless someone in your family is drunk enough to make really inappropriate “twink” comments you’re pretty safe playing Dream Phone.

47. Jenga

In the commercials when you lose at Jenga that’s okay, it’s part of the fun! In reality, it’s Mom, every single goddamned time. Is she doing it for attention?

46. Mastermind

A deceptively challenging game with a million opportunities to make one innocent mistake that will 100% be interpreted as a lie.

45. Guess Who

This game seems straightforward, but there’s just enough room for error in the interpretation of certain questions to build accusations of cheating that will serve as the seeds for resentments that can last a lifetime.

44. Mystery date

There’s no reason for this game to devolve into a passive-aggressive tiff rooted in homophobia when played with a family group, and yet every family has at least one dude who will bring it there every single time.

43. Jumanji

In the movie, Jumanji is a magical game forcing players into an epic high-stakes adventure. In reality, it’s little more than a re-skinned version of Candyland that will have your family shouting “Whose dumb idea was it to play this boring game anyway?!” in no time.

42. Stratego

This classic Napoleon-themed war game is simple enough to instill children with the close-to-the-chest tact they’ll one day use to tiptoe through future family gatherings.

41. Mancala

Versions of this game date back to ancient Egypt, but the modern American version always ends the same way: Children in the back of a car whining “Why do we always have to go to Grandma’s house, it’s boring!”

40. Risk

If your family agrees to play Risk, it’s because it’s a board game they have heard of and they have absolutely no information beyond that. Technically the game can last days, but you’ll all storm off hating one another within a few torturous hours.

39. Yahtzee

A straight-up dice gambling game disguised as wholesome entertainment, sort of like the razor-thin veneer of “loving family” You know is hanging by a thread.

38. Othello

If you think your problem-drinking uncle isn’t going to turn your game of Othello into a race thing you’ve got another thing coming.

37. Chutes and Ladders

A game with absolutely zero strategy, the winner is determined by what each player randomly spins. So why is my brother looking so smug after winning? You didn’t like, DO anything bro, get over yourself.

36. Candyland

Another zero strategy game, the winner being predetermined by the order of the cards at the beginning of the game. So why does your cousin keep insisting she’s “good at it”? You should be able to let it go, but you just can’t, I mean what does that even mean?!

35. Rummikub

With all of those colors, numbers, and a somewhat complex scoring system there’s bound to be at least one member of your family with just enough of a processing disorder to have a full-on meltdown.

34. Exploding kittens

This ain’t your Grandmother’s card game! That’s probably why she’s so confused. You’re trying to explain the rules as politely as you can but you know it’s only a matter of time before you yell at her, and you already hate yourself for it.

33. Mall Madness

This game seems like a cutesy celebration of ‘80s consumerism, but it can bring out the worst in people. It’s basically Black Friday, the home edition. You even need to find your parking spot after you buy everything.

32. Operation

The first time you hear that little buzzer go off everyone has a nice fun laugh. After the 100th time, you will look the woman who gave birth to you dead in the eye and say “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

31. Boggle

While its cousin Scrabble is a much more potent argument generator, Boggle gets some points because you can grab it with one hand and use it as a projectile if you’re mad enough.

30. Sorry!

It’s never too early to teach kids the smarmy passive-aggression that will generate physical fights with their siblings for years, maybe decades!

Local Man Having Amazing Summer Smoking Cigarettes Inside With the AC On

PASADENA, Calif. – Southern California native Zack Martin admitted his favorite summer activity is smoking cigarettes in his apartment with the AC absolutely blasting, sources currently enjoying exactly that report.

“Oh man, it’s the best! It was weirdly super overcast most of July, but we’ve absolutely reached peak summer vibes here in LA county this month,” said Martin, reaching for his tenth cigarette of the morning. “I set my wall unit to 68 degrees, light up a cig, and get cracking on all my favorite indoor activities. I’ve already taught myself most of the bass licks from ‘Pablo Honey’ and am halfway through ‘The Witcher 3.’ My buddies keep blowing up my phone, trying to get me out camping in Joshua Tree with them, but I’ve got a lot on my plate at the casa right now.”

While Martin’s August plans are certainly working out swimmingly for him, his landlord wasn’t exactly thrilled about the telltale “summer smell” when he stopped by to collect the rent check.

“Yeah, we definitely don’t allow smoking in our buildings, haven’t since the ‘90s,” said Mark Olberman, the longtime building manager of the Hacienda Heights apartment complex. “I could get in big trouble with my boss, you know? But this is just sort of Zack’s thing every summer. Cold brew in hand, Wong Kar Wai film on his 55” 4K TV, and a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. Who am I to stand between a man and nirvana? He pays his rent on time and sends my wife and I cards on every major holiday. He’s the happiest guy that I’ve ever met and has read every Thomas Pynchon book like five times.”

Martin’s behavior might seem somewhat depressive at first glance, but clinical psychologist Dr. Ethel McClain believes that it’s not at all unhealthy to waste your days away indoors ripping cigs and vibing out on the Criterion Channel.

“A consistent state of creative enrichment is the best thing you can do to aid neurogenesis and prevent cognitive decline,” said McClain, a graduate from Stanford University. “Mr. Martin has an immense appetite for expanding his own mind, which is why he must maintain a strict daily regimen of televised Danny McBride vehicles, shoegaze records, and Camel Blue cigarettes. And he does go out in the evenings, so there’s no fear of anti-socialization. If anything, he’s properly built up his energy well to talk faster at dive bars and snort cocaine more efficiently.”

At press time, Martin admitted that he’ll often walk a couple blocks to pick up an Al Pastor burrito from time to time as his only “outdoor” activity.

Every Lagwagon Album Ranked Worst to Best

You remember Lagwagon, your older brother listened to them during his brief punk phase before going off to college and becoming an investment banker. Hailing from Goleta, CA and slowly absorbing members of Rich Kids on L.S.D. since 1989, Lagwagon have maintained their devotion to a few key elements since the beginning; catchy melodies, widdly riffs, manic fills, Fat Wreck Chords. There’s also that habit Joey Cape has of rhyming those repeating, competing three-syllable words which can be frustrating, elating. Climb into our shitty tour van as we rank the albums of Lagwagon.

9. Blaze (2003)

Fresh off the first of many hiatuses, something about “Blaze” is a little off. Remember that this is an American band, and since the world had last heard from them America had to endure 9/11, Columbine, and Woodstock ‘99. Nickelback were consistently hitting #1 and subprime mortgages were a dime a dozen – but 2003 wasn’t as great as it sounds. “Blaze” is still Lagwagon, your mom will still let you play it in the car.

Play it again: “Billionaire”
Skip it: “Lullaby”

 

8. Railer (2019)

Rock and roll really does belong to the youth, punk rock even more so, with ‘90s skate punk being a prime example. Despite that, these ancient skate punks actually have some legs left. “Surviving California” and “Bubble” are serious Lagwagon, but throwing everything they had into the ambitious “The Suffering” may have tuckered these old boys out a bit. They’re back, but unlike RKL they aren’t mad about it.

Play it again: “The Suffering”
Skip it: “Fan Fiction”

 

7. Double Plaidinum (1997)

This much-loved 12” slab of tartan barf is the first album to feature current Lagwagon drummer Dave Raun, one of many eventual members who was young, wealthy, and liked acid. Dave’s a decent guy (like most of us) until he drums, when something akin to demonic possession occurs and the violence begins. “Double Plaidinum” sounds remarkably cohesive for a band with two new members, but it only reaches Gingham status.

Play it again: “Alien 8”
Skip it: “Twenty-Seven”

 

6. Hang (2014)

Something about the combination of the noose on the cover and the warm, wall–of–sound production of “Hang” could easily send you down an internet rabbit hole of autoerotic accidents, and despite everything you learn about how easy it is to get the smallest thing wrong and end in one of the least private tragedies imaginable, you will definitely look into the actual logistics of it once you finish writing this article. Maybe blast “You Know Me” at the peak.

Play it again: “Burden of Proof / Reign”
Skip it: “Poison in the Well”

5. Resolve (2005)

You know things are serious when they tune down right at the beginning. “Resolve” serves as a eulogy for original drummer Derrick Plourde, and the loss can be heard in every note on the album. Good thing it’s not your job to write jokes about this album, eh? You might end up typing different versions of “Thanks, Joey. Thanks a lot.” until you hit your word count. Thanks, Joey. Beautiful record, but you fucked up my day.

Play it again: “Heartbreaking Music”
Skip it: “Rager”

 

4. Duh (1992)

The word “Duh” means nothing to us, so we did some research and our data suggests it’s an acronym for “a Debut record this good is UnHeard of.” One of the blueprints of the “Fat” sound, every piece that makes Lagwagon great is already here. Even today, there are plenty of folks who will passionately argue that it’s still their best album. It’s not and they’re goofs, but “Tragic Vision” alone makes a very good case for them, along with classics “Bury the Hatchet” and “Mr. Coffee.”

Play it again: “Angry Days”
Skip it: “Stop Whining”

 

3. Let’s Talk About Feelings (1998)

This record is 25 years old and still feels like “the new one.” The ‘90s were an incredible journey for Lagwagon, going from house parties to full houses and writing dozens of songs that are still played and loved every single day. If you see them live and listen to what happens when they introduce “May 16” you wonder why it isn’t a federal holiday. We could use a pre-game for Memorial Day.

Play it again: “Owen Meaney”
Skip it: “Change Despair”

 

 

2. Trashed (1994)

Lagwagon may be a garbage soccer team, but they’re a hell of a band. The songs that actually appear on this collage of movie clips (including Bobcat Goldthwait’s immortal “Shakes the Clown”) are nearly all classics of the era, and the ones that aren’t totally are as well. Your band covered “Bye for Now” because a) everyone loved it and sang along and b) it was the only song on the album your guitarist could play. If there’s a negative here, it’s that Van Morrison may have gotten royalties from this record.

Play it again: “Lazy”
Skip it: Just don’t stream anything that will net any racist, pickled fuckwads any money.

1. Hoss (1995)

Top-tier musicianship and 14 of the most memorable songs you’ve ever heard might be enough to achieve the gold medal. Honestly, the impact of “Sleep” alone could possibly do it – if there was a party in 1996 where the highlight wasn’t when that song came on the boombox, we weren’t at it. The master stroke was releasing an album that features a song called “Name Dropping” and somehow that’s not the song that drops the names of the two most famous and sexiest humans to ever walk the earth, Sherilyn Fenn and Billy Gibbons. Subtle artistry like that has some legs.

Play it again: “Rifle”
Skip it: Theme from “Bonanza”