SALEM, Ore. — Local father of four and avid collector of vinyl records Douglas Buckner is unsure whether his children would be best organized alphabetically or by their year of issue from his spouse, Carol Buckner, according to sources.
“Raising kids is tough,” said Buckner while upping his bid on eBay for an original pressing of “Achtung Baby.” “It’s incredibly difficult to keep their schedules, their after-school activities, their various names, especially when there are pros and cons to both alphabetical and chronological methods. For example, if I need to find the one who always smells kind of weird, should I try to remember his name or how he came out at the same time as ‘We Got It from Here… Thank You 4 Your Service,’ released by Epic Records on November 11, 2016? It’s impossible to decide.”
Buckner’s eldest child Dylan is 13 or, as his father puts it, the same age as The National’s “High Violet.”
“Dad is always barging into our rooms,” said the young teenager. “And rearranging our stuff or telling us we can’t go to a birthday party because that would get me out of order with my little brother Van Zandt. My friends say their parents just find them based on where they usually are and their height and stuff. I don’t know why Dad has to be so weird about it. I’m pretty sure Mom knows our names. Or at least she’s good at guessing.”
Elaine Michaels, an Oregon Protective Services representative, has been assigned to the Buckner family and is actively monitoring them, much to her irritation.
“Music nerds like Mr. Buckner are always the fucking worst,” said Michaels. “If it’s not some vinyl snob wanting his kids to stand in line based on how good of condition their spines are in, it’s someone who can’t stand to hear his kids speak because of the ‘fidelity of their voices.’ If I have to have one more dad locked up for sending his kids in for ‘remastering,’ I’ll lose it.”
As of press time, CPS was on its way after Buckner had decided to organize his children based on genre.