LOS ANGELES — Bad Religion frontman and former atheist Greg Graffin promised God that he would change his band’s name to Good Religion if his flight from Chicago survived its brief bout with turbulence, braver fellow passengers report.
“I swear we dropped 400 feet in one second, holy shit. Whoops, I shouldn’t be cussing anymore. Anyways, it was so scary,” admitted a shaken Graffin, who has already contacted the band’s graphic designer to remove the red bar from their logo. “Longtime fans may not be on board, but I’m a man of my word. I’m also now a man of The Word. God delivered me from certain death, and I will praise him. But don’t worry, we’ll still play stuff off ‘Suffer’ and ‘No Control.’”
Other passengers on American Airlines flight AA512 from Chicago to Los Angeles didn’t share Graffin’s experience of terror.
“There was a tiny bit of turbulence, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. That guy was freaking the fuck out though,” reported Jake Erwin, who used the flight to nap and revisit some of his favorite episodes from “The Office.” “The moment the plane started barely shaking, that dude’s voice went up two octaves with these pathetic little yelp sounds. Then he was loudly whispering ‘Dear God save me, oh I’m so sorry for talking so much shit- I mean poop. Please, I’ll convert!’ It’s like, chill bro- just pop a Xanax like I do.”
God, the eternal and omnipotent creator of all that is seen and unseen, expressed reservations at recruiting the former atheist musician.
“I was actually trying to scare a different passenger into reconciling with her father before he dies of cancer, not get some preachy political punk singer to sign up for church,” said God in a statement through his prophet Andy Dick. “I’m more of a metal fan. Have you heard the new Behemoth? It’s sick. Anyways, I’m not going to test Greg for years; hopefully the atheism will come creeping back in and this will all be forgotten.”
Rumors are circulating that the members of Good Religion are experiencing creative tension at Graffin’s insistence on renaming their 2007 album “New Maps of Heaven.”