Okay, folks. Gather round, because you’ve all been pissing me off, and it’s time we nipped this issue in the bud. I know every movie you’ve ever seen has depicted OCD as people washing their hands like they’re scrubbing in for a shift at Grey’s Anatomy Regional Hospital, and your only takeaway from your brief stint in therapy is that buzzwords are fun. But you have simply got to stop using “intrusive thoughts” until you know what the fuck it means. Don’t worry, I’m here to help you.
Everyone thinks intrusive thoughts are cute until they learn that instead of texting your ex and cutting your hair, it’s really more of ‘What if I fucked my dog’ or ‘Should I stab my husband while chopping vegetables?’ I’ll take you through a brief but illuminating rundown so you can avoid looking like you have an ass for a hat.
Intrusive thoughts are distressing images that are often taboo in nature and counter to the morals and value system of the individual having them. Didn’t think you’d actually learn something, did you?
Cutting bangs could really never be an actual intrusive thought, but since I’m being generous, I’ve come up with this scenario for you. If you’re a rule follower who hates getting in trouble and you were walking through a museum with a new friend, you might have an intrusive thought that manifests as you imagining yourself taking a Samurai sword off the wall and slicing your hair into bangs before getting tazed and tackled by the museum version of Paul Blart as he called for backup from actual cops.
It could also be a katana, an ax, or a broadsword, depending on what kind of museum is closest to you. If you let this intrusive thought win, you would end up with bangs, but you’d also be in jail, and your friend would have lost a hand trying to stop you.
Now that you know better, you can go back to referring to cutting bangs the proper way: a misguided idea. You don’t have the right bone structure. Do some long curtain bangs, if you simply must.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a cop at this coffee shop, and his gun has my hand’s name on it.
