29. Dave Matthews
While the other teachers made their snide little jokes, Mr. Dave would be running the show choir like a well-oiled machine, giving each student a place to shine in their own unique way—including the ones he recruited from the hacky sack circle on the campus green. Sadly, a mishap involving the school bus on the way to the competition would strip them of their chance to perform.
28. Bob Dylan
This choir would undoubtedly sound like ass, but the students would learn a thing or two about life from Mr. Dylan throughout the semester. Their competitive performance would open with one of the kids reading a spoken word poem, and although they’d place last, the audience would somehow still remember their effort in a vague but fond way for years to come.
27. Tegan and Sara
After agreeing to split a salary because the district sure as hell wasn’t going to pay two choir teachers, Miss T and Miss S would tag team fourth period with structured and efficient rehearsals. Sopranos and tenors would work with one while altos and basses worked with the other, and by semester’s end they’d have the most harmonically pristine song medley of all the competing show choirs. Still, it wouldn’t be enough to compensate for a total lack of choreography.
26. Karen O
Miss Karen has the ideal amount of energy for teaching high schoolers and just the right amount of eccentricity to deter the principal from ever asking her to do extra tasks like chaperoning the homecoming dance. Rehearsals might get a little wild some days and their routine would be far from perfect, but at least the kids would be making music and having fun doing it.
25. Lana Del Rey
Many musically-inclined students shy away from show choir because they think it’s full of hyperactive theater kid types, but not Miss Grant’s show choir. Hers would be so sad, but like aspirationally sad, attracting a bunch of moody students who mistakenly thought they were too cool to sing and dance. The class would be the emotional outlet they all needed, transcending the need to “win” or “place” at the state championships.
24. Post Malone
Even though we’re living in the only timeline in which Post Malone is not a line cook, just imagine there was one where he taught show choir. Parents would be sending concerned emails to administration about them hiring the “young man with face tattoos,” but they’d come around by the end of the semester when, under Mr. Posty’s guidance, the students would give a very in-tune middle-placing performance.
23. Dolly Parton
Miss Dolly would be an instant favorite among students and fellow teachers alike. Their costumes? Amazing. Hair? Big. Their routine? Perfect. But in the eyes of one jealous judge, too perfect. Regardless, at year’s end the high school would mysteriously get a brand new library, and all the kids in the district granted free lunch until graduation.
22. Seal
High schoolers can be dumb, but not so dumb that they’d ever skip or show up unprepared to one of Mr. Seal’s rehearsals. He’d be a naturally gifted teacher, and after a semester of consistent improvement, the kids would perform a routine that was soulful beyond their years but lacking the flair—the je ne sais quoi—necessary to place in a top spot.
21. Sheryl Crow
Given Mrs. Crow started her career as an elementary school music teacher, and the only differences between high school and third-grade music students are more hormones and fewer recorders, teaching show choir would be an easy job for her. They might not be the most original choir in the competition, but they’d deliver a perfectly enjoyable and practiced performance.