Singers are a unique breed. The stakes are often higher because they have no instrument to hide behind. But with high risk comes high reward, and it’s no wonder those who open their mouths to play the vocal odds are all a little crazy in their own special ways. But just because a singer’s talent has earned them widespread public success, doesn’t mean they can whip a struggling high school show choir into shape in time for the state championships at the end of the semester.
We’ve got an imaginary group of misfits, nerds, and ne’er-do-wells on our hands, and they’ve all somehow found themselves in this hypothetical fourth-period show choir. They have just ten weeks to get it together for the fictional competition that could make them the first show choir in school history to win the fake state title.
Which famous singer is best suited to take on the challenge?
50. James Hetfield
This show choir wouldn’t even make it two weeks into the semester. Mr. Hetfield would only show up for half the rehearsals, and when he would, he’d be inexcusably late. The kids would start skipping fourth period to go smoke pot under the bleachers and steal things out of open lockers. The school principal would pull the class and James would no longer be allowed within 500 yards of the campus.
49. David Lee Roth
To upper middle-aged men with a collection of short-sleeved button-down shirts and bad knees, David Lee Roth is a legendary rock vocalist and a powerful performer. To a public school district’s hiring committee, he is a liability. There would be no choir, nor show.
48. Drake
You’d think Drake would have taken a choir class during his time at Degrassi High, but no, he’d just be mumbling shit to the kids like, “I thought you were in high school, but you’re just schooling high,” before getting fired for treating them to a pizza and bottle service party.
47. Ozzy Osbourne
The school district upholds a zero-tolerance policy for any teacher telling students to “calm fucking down, shut the fuck up—oh fuck off!!” no matter how much they deserve it, so unfortunately Mr. Ozzy would be terminated on his first day.
46. Miley Cyrus
“I think she used to be the JV volleyball coach.” “I heard she bartends in Southside on the weekends.” “Do you think she vapes?” are just some examples of what the students would be saying about their new teacher. Classes would mostly be sing-alongs to whatever classic rock songs came up on satellite radio, and the kids would readily take advantage of the fact that Miss Cyrus never takes attendance.
45. John Mayer
Mr. Mayer would resent this job from the start. He’d decide after the first class to nix the whole show choir idea and turn fourth period into a group guitar lesson instead. There’d be two interested kids who’d make some progress on the instrument while the rest would spend the whole class swiping through Bumble on their phones, and Mr. Mayer wouldn’t care less.
44. Billie Joe Armstrong
Mr. Armstrong’s show choir rehearsals would be structureless, chaotic, and unproductive. Not to mention he would keep pushing his new rock opera idea on everyone, but at least the teacher’s lounge would be fully stocked with compostable-packaged coffee beans.
43. Cardi B
Okurrr, this clearly wouldn’t go very well. Miss Cardi would probably be better at teaching English or politics classes than show choir, as not a lot of actual singing would happen. But if nothing else, her “try me or get popped” approach to classroom management would be effective.
42. Kevin Parker
Frankly, Mr. Parker is too chill and barefoot to effectively teach high schoolers. He’d be all vibes, no lesson plans, and the kids would quickly take him for a pushover, eventually just coming and going from rehearsal as they pleased.
41. Ed Sheeran
If only Mr. Sheeran had any classroom management skills, this show choir might stand a chance, but he doesn’t. No matter how many times he’d tell the kids he’s their actual teacher and not a substitute from the teacher staffing agency, they wouldn’t listen. Halfway through the semester he’d give in and let them watch movies for the remaining weeks of class.
40. Alex Turner
Mr. Turner would appear to not give a fuck about the show choir, and that’d be because he wouldn’t! Rehearsals would be inefficient sessions of him crooning some songs for the students to learn by ear. Eventually most of them would be singing fairly well, but choreography wouldn’t even be a consideration. At least half the kids would lose interest weeks in and pick up smoking cigarettes instead.
39. Dr. Teeth
Let’s get one thing straight: Dr. Teeth understands show choir. He is no stranger to the mechanics of flamboyant, choreographed musical numbers, but like many musicians who are masters of their craft, he wouldn’t be a very good teacher. He’d assume the kids could learn all the songs through call and response, and they’d end up driving to the competition in a 1970s VW van just to shout-sing in a half-octave range.
38. Stevie Nicks
The kids wouldn’t believe the lady who wrote that song from the cranberry juice trend is teaching their class. They’d be so surprised by all her cool stories and would spend pretty much every class distracting her into telling them a new one, so no real rehearsing would ever happen. They probably wouldn’t make it to the state championships by the end of the semester, but they’d all know how to play the tambourine and cast basic spells.
37. Florence Welch
Florence, who would insist the kids call her by her first name, would somehow be simultaneously neurotic about preparing for the big competition and totally carefree about the student’s daily progress. Their routine would be mostly improvised, and that just doesn’t cut it in the world of show choir! She’d also be regularly mistaken for the school’s visual art teacher and drive the principal insane with her habit of letting the kids out of class early.
36. Taylor Swift
The kids would lose their shit as soon as they learned Miss Swift would be their teacher for the semester. Parents of students from other school districts would be bribing the principal with thousands of dollars to let their kids transfer and be in her class. It would be such an ongoing frenzy that Miss Swift wouldn’t even be able to teach, which is a shame since no one has ever written more relatable songs for people in high school and/or living with a high schooler’s mentality than she has.
35. Fergie
While Mrs. Ferguson’s expertise lies in dynamic musical ensembles, her choreography would be too challenging for the students. You’d think with all the texting kids do they’d have strong and nimble wrists, but even with ten weeks to practice, not one would manage to pull off a one-handed cartwheel.
34. Goyte
The students would never quite be able to figure out Mr. G’s deal, making them hesitant to fully trust his leadership—and you can’t build a championship-winning show choir on a foundation that lacks trust. Their performance would be weird and too artsy-fartsy for the judges’ preferences, but man would those kids be able to belt.
33. Greg Graffin
How could you expect Dr. Graffin to focus on show choir when the AP Biology teacher just left on maternity leave? Sure, he’d do it and the students would love him and give him a nickname like “The G-Man” or something, but he’d rush out of rehearsals as soon as the bell rang to go teach the seniors in the science lab about cellular energetics.
32. Jason Mraz
Jason Mraz would obviously run the tightest Orff-Schulwerk based elementary music program at a peanut-free charter school that doesn’t believe in report cards or math and calls the first-grade “Team Starfish,” but his show choir would lack the pizazz necessary to take home a state title.
31. Dave Grohl
Mr. Grohl would be in disbelief that he, just a regular ol’ kid from Virginia, had been given the opportunity to work with these incredible high schoolers at this legendary high school. They’d work tirelessly throughout the semester on a face-melting routine for their headlining slot at the state championships that’s gonna burn the auditorium down and… what? They only get seven minutes to perform? Well, Dave would push forward with a three-and-a-half-hour choir set anyway, because that’s rock n’ fucking roll!!!
30. Björk
Ms. B’s class would not be the easy A so many kids were expecting it to be. What they thought was going to be a breezy semester-long sing-along with a mild-mannered teacher would turn out to be a crash course in ethnomusicology, trip-hop, and electrical engineering, with spontaneous field trips to go yell outside school board meetings.