PHILADELPHIA — Jealous husband and punker Shaun Grables is starting to suspect that his wife is secretly having sex with The Dead Milkmen while he’s at work, said sources close to the situation.
“Hate me if you must but I grew up in a tiny town where everyone was good at finding out everyone’s business,” said an annoyed Grables. “Things have been a bit strained in our marriage lately. We aren’t communicating well, I’m stressed at work, and we haven’t had sex in months. I wouldn’t be surprised if my wife is smokin’ the banana peels of The Dead Milkmen if you know what I mean. I’ve heard they all got big lizards and they give girls the ‘bleach boy’ treatment when they’re done. It’s times like these that make me realize life is shit.”
Grables’ wife Clara Hagerman did not appreciate this constant stream of accusations coming from her husband.
“Shaun is suspicious because I’m a punk rock girl, but I’m not the punk rock girl from the song,” explained Hagerman. “I mean how could I be? My dad was never the Vice President, and that song was released in 1988, I was born in 1990. I know our marriage needs work, but I’m trying my best to make it work. He’s the one that went out and spent most of our savings on a Camaro. Still, Shaun keeps saying I’m a woman who’s also a mongoose because we are both sneaky. I tell him that I don’t have time to possibly be cheating because of my job which involves taking the differently abled to the zoo. But does he listen? No!”
Marriage counselor Heather Fields believes that this insecurity stems from Grables’ self-esteem issues.
“I mean let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to have sex with The Dead Milkmen? They are Philly punk royalty,” said Fields. “They throw awesome beach parties in Vietnam, they metaphorically set the people they love on fire, they own vacation property in Sri Lanka, and they gladly eat hippie pussy. But as awesome as they are that doesn’t mean Shaun can treat his wife this way. He’s walking the thinnest of lines and should appreciate who he has.”
At press time it was discovered that Grable and Haggerman were having affairs with different members of The Postal Service.