Aging Folk Singer Has “This Machine Kills Plantar Fasciitis” Sharpied on Each Orthopedic Shoe

Posted on by Chris Bowen

TULSA, Okla. — Local folk singer John “Ramblin’ Gamblin’” Shandling, age 41, took a firm stance against chronic foot pain by scrawling “This Machine Kills Plantar Fasciitis” on each of his orthopedic shoes, several Steinbeckian sources report.

“Plantar Fasciitis is the biggest threat to all us folks who are fortunate enough to be able to walk on our own two feet. And as long as I’m livin’ and singin’, I aim to fight the good fight against it on all fronts,” Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Shandling explained, adding the good people at Dr. Sholes deserve credit for being at the helm of the battle of comfort and proper arch support. “Us folk singers have a duty to spread the word about threats like these. Plus I think Woody Guthrie himself would appreciate and be blown away with the shoe technology we have today. I’m sure he could have used it.”

Member of the Anti-Plantar Fasciitis (or ANTIPFA) movement Rachel Owenowski talks about the working class, grassroots movement to rid the world of the insidious infliction of foot-related pain.

“The ANTIPFA movement has no leaders, no officers, no hidden agendas, and no specific organizational structure. This movement was created, and is run by, people who see the pain caused by P.F. and its rise among aging individuals as a fundamental threat to our quality of life,” Owenowski said passionately, adding P.F. has no place in modern society and must be destroyed. “We see victims of it even at our own rallies! That shows you how important it is for everyone above 35 to be educated, and be equipped with the proper footwear and need to learn proper stretches to alleviate the pain.”

Orthopedic specialist Dr. Michelle Ruiz explains that musicians have always fought on the right side of the battle against foot-related injuries.

“If you think about it, it makes complete and total sense that musicians would stand up to the grim world of foot pain. I’d wager around half of all musicians have to be on their feet night after night performing in front of crowds while standing, and that brings potential hazards with it,” Dr. Ruiz explained. “So that foot pain, and songs like ‘Talking My Foot Hurts Like a Bastard Blues’ really help the common people relate to big shot celebrities like Bob Dylan. Otherwise, the average Joe Schmoe might think he was a sellout or something.”

At press time, Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Shandling was working on a ballad that warned people of the perils of heartburn.

Uh Oh! Dad Left You With the Cart to go Get Bread, and the Front of the Line Looms Ever Closer

Posted on by Alex Kitsinger

This certainly isn’t good. You’ve been left alone to watch the cart, and your turn at the cashier is rapidly approaching. But you don’t have money, you’re just a kid, and if something doesn’t change soon you are going to cry so much the store will flood. Your dad said he only needed to quickly grab some bread and that he would be right back, but you see through that bullshit. You know he’s not going to be back anytime soon, he’s probably talking to one of his adult friends about smoking cigarettes and taxes. This is every seven-year-old’s worst nightmare, but I’m sure you’ll be alright.

Your throat begins to dry up, and you feel cold on the back of your neck. Maybe if you try to stand very, very still, both you and the cart will be hidden from sight and you’ll make it out of this alive. That seems like a logical idea. Well, it did seem like a good plan, until you promptly ruined it by sneezing in the most dramatic way possible.

This is going to be fine, trust me. The cashier motioned to the guy in front of you to step forward, which means you’re up next. He has a cart, but on closer inspection, he seems to only be buying butter toffee and cigarettes. Time is running out. You try to peer over the magazines, but unfortunately you’re only four feet tall and can’t see anything over them.

Then you have a genius idea – why not scream that there’s a fire? Then you wouldn’t have to talk to the terrifying cashier at all, though people would quickly realize there is not in fact a fire and you would probably be executed or something like that. That leaves you only one reasonable option: actually starting a fire.

There are lighters for sale right here, so if you just grab one and hold it up to the magazines you’ll be home free. You try it once and nothing happens. The customer in front of you is getting out his wallet, ready to pay. You’re out of time. You flick it again, and again there’s no result. Your tiny little hands are too weak to push down the child safety latch. It’s over.

As you try one more time, it finally works. You have created fire! You bring it up to the gossip magazines, your brilliant plan finally about to come to fruition. You won’t have to talk to the cashier, or anyone! But then finally, after what feels like forever, you see a tall figure on the edge of your vision. You look up, and your father has returned with a single loaf of bread, just as he promised. He looks at you, his expression a mix of confusion and terror.

“Really? I leave for thirty seconds, and you try to start a fire? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Millennial’s Retirement Plan Contingent on Rare Records Never Being Repressed

Posted on by Brett Olsen

AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of his records get repressed, confirmed multiple sources on Discogs.

“I looked at the numbers and having a 401K, Roth IRA, home equity, or even a solid savings account are not as valuable as having an original ‘Chung King Can Suck It.’ It’s all about liquidity. You have to be 59½ to withdraw from a 401K without penalties. Meanwhile my albums are readily accessible, unopened, and inhabit most of my living room,” said a self-assured Lindberg. “My diversified collection of original pressings, picture discs, limited editions, and three copies of ‘Blonde’ by Frank Ocean guarantees an exponential return on investment that could survive any period of economic downturn.”

Some, like Lindberg’s roommate Greg Spanos, aren’t so certain.

“He’s living in a fucking fantasy. I’ve been roommates with the guy for years because it’s cheap as fuck to live here and I’m trying to save up for a house,” said Spanos. “Every week he blows his paychecks on albums by bands he doesn’t even listen to. He has an original pressing of ‘Sing the Sorrow’ that he refers to as his nest egg. Well, guess what? AFI announced a 20th anniversary repress, and now the album is worth $700 less than it was a year ago. And he bought that repress too! Don’t even get me started on Rowland S. Howard’s ‘Teenage Snuff Film.’”

Phillip Dupay, a certified financial planner at J.P. Morgan who specializes in retirement plans, isn’t surprised by this trend but does suggest proceeding with caution.

“We see a lot of millennials investing in niche trinkets and cryptocurrencies in lieu of traditional retirement plans. While it’s never too late to take a more conventional approach, the most important thing is to not put all your eggs in one basket. I knew way too many Gen X-ers who put their life savings in Beanie Babies and we know how that turned out,” said Dupay. “A safer strategy would involve supplementing a record collection with VHS tapes of horror movies or golden ‘Ocarina of Time’ cartridges.”

At press time, Lindberg admitted he’d also been stockpiling “Paw Patrol” merchandise since the pandemic because he anticipates in twenty years a new generation of nostalgic adults will fund his beach house in Florida.

Punk Surprised The Hard Times Not Funded Entirely By Owner’s Parents

Posted on by Anthony Carrano

DUXBURY, Mass. — Local punk Danny Coulstring was shocked to learn that the somewhat popular satire news publication The Hard Times was not funded by the owner’s parents and launched a Patreon to encourage support from its readers, confirmed sources.

“I was confused when I saw that The Hard Times was having money issues. I know whenever I need to pay rent or buy a new phone all I do is call up my dad, apologize for calling him an asshole at Thanksgiving and then he gives me all the money I need. So I’m not sure why they don’t just ask their parents for cash,” said Coulstring, who lives with 12 other punks in a squat in Lower Allston, but also keeps a condo in the Back Bay for when he wants privacy. “My band’s last album was completely funded by my parents, even though I told my bandmates I got the money from selling acid and robbing a Dunkin Donuts.”

Founders of The Hard Times were quick to point out they don’t come from anything resembling wealth.

“My dad worked construction and died on the job when I was 19, and my mother will have to work until the day she dies because she has no retirement plan,” said Hard Times co-founder Billy “Badtooth” Conway. “I wish my parents had invented something useful so I could cash in on that generational wealth. I’m legitimately jealous of the crust punks who act broke but are actually in line to inherit the Gillette fortune. Thankfully there are lots of people stepping up who are willing to support The Hard Times through Patreon.”

Media analysts have noted there are often a lot of misconceptions about online brands.

“People will see an account with a lot of followers and instantly think that translates to money. Often times the only way these people make money is by selling mushroom-infused teas for $250 a post, or OnlyFans, that works for a lot of people,” said Amari Singh, who studies online trends. “Patreon is definitely the way to go for The Hard Times, I’ve seen the founders and you would not want to pay to see them naked, in fact you might pay to have them keep their clothes on.”

At press time, Coulstring refused to support The Hard Times with his parents’ money citing something about “corporate bullshit.”

Guy on Year 15 of Wearing Same Hat Every Day Because Girl Said It Was Cool Once

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked cool 15 years ago, concerned and exasperated sources confirmed.

“When you discover such an iconic look for yourself, you need to celebrate it every day,” said Howell as he waved a steam wand over the battered cabby hat he purchased before he was able to fully grow facial hair. “You may see some ratty old hat, but years of wear and tear only speak volumes to my loyalty. And if I had to be really honest with you, the ladies love how well put-together I look with this bad boy on.”

Gabrielle Simmons, who originally complimented Howell many years ago, regrets invoking such a profound sense of confidence over the hat that she only thought looked kind of cool.

“Dennis is such a good dude, and I really felt for him when his high school sweetheart dumped him. When he showed up to a house party wearing that beige monstrosity, I told him that he didn’t look half bad,” Simmons acknowledged through the regret of hindsight. “And every time I see him now, he always gives me an affirmative nod as if to say, ‘check it out, I’ve still got the hat.’ But he’s worn it every day and everywhere ever since. The salt deposits around the outer stitching alone are unspeakably disgusting at this point. I’m wondering if I should step in and crush his spirit a bit for the benefit of us all.”

Local hat merchant Eric Lester worries not about Howell’s mental state, but rather his own bottom line.

“When you open a hat store, the whole point is to have return customers who want to regularly update their look,” lamented Lester as he whimsically meandered through his extensive showroom of fedoras, bucket hats, and beanies. “My operating costs are five figures a month, and I can’t make payroll off a single sale from 15 fucking years ago. That being said, I’d be more than glad to help him find a new piece, if he could only let go of the past.”

At press time, Howell was spotted eyeing a distressed pair of suspenders at his local thrift store.

How To Get Rich By Working Hard, Saving Up, And Spending One Night In A Haunted Mansion As Per Your Great Uncle’s Will

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

The road to success is not traveled in the backseat, it’s traveled with you in the driver’s seat, or perhaps walked by foot, or maybe in a car where you use your feet like Fred Flintstone. Either way, it means that the one who is doing it has to be you.

Before my financial woes were behind me I spent years living rough. I was working various jobs that caused calluses on my hands, spending nights studying for college exams, and refusing to spend money on frivolous things like ordering out and seeing movies. My Great Uncle, the Zinc mogul whom I seldomly saw, took a shine to me, so when he died he left me with a huge responsibility: I will inherit his millions of dollars on account that I spent one night in a haunted mansion.

It’s not an easy task, but anyone can if you put in the work ethic. I had trouble spending that night, let me tell you. The walls would drip blood down them which is incredibly unsanitary. You would be afraid to touch any of the books on the shelf because they might reveal a revolving bookcase. The Knight’s armor in the hallways made loud clanging sounds when it chased you. At one point, the local bully snuck into the mansion and tried to scare me by wearing a giant sheet. That is of course, what I thought at first until I looked behind me and the bully was there wearing a similar ghost sheet. I then deduced that if “the ghost” was over there, and that the bully was right behind me, then… uh oh.

I felt rude ignoring the constant moaning for me to “get out,” but I knew that my Great Uncle, they called him the “Zinc Zenith,” was counting on me so I resisted any urge to run out the side of the building leaving a me-shaped hole behind. That is the key to success and you can learn all about how to do it yourself if you subscribe to my program. It is no easy follow, but for $59.99 a month, my seminars can teach you to be the man I am today.

Along with the millions of dollars I successfully inherited from my Great Uncle, whose zinc empire still spans half the world, I was also left with his wise-talking racehorse. That story of course is behind the paywall.

Aging Nu-Metal Fan Blasts “Click Click Boom” by Saliva to Get Pumped Up for Big Prostate Exam

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BIG FLATTS, N.Y. — 51-year-old nu-metal fan Ricky Clud recently expressed that Saliva’s early 2000s classic “Click Click Boom” was the secret to getting hyped up for his prostate exam, several crudely tattooed sources report.

“Before I hit the big 5-0, I was quite the badass. I’d always rock out to Saliva before getting drunk at the bowling alley picking fights, getting drunk at the county fair each year and picking fights, or even going to weddings then getting drunk and picking fights,” Clud explained, adding he’s settled down in his old age. “Now I use that ‘Click Click Boom’ energy to get me all jacked up before my doc sticks his finger up my butt. Shit’s wild, man. But it’s necessary, and it’s the health-conscious thing when you’re my age.”

Josey Scott, current singer of Saliva, talked about the surprising origins of the nu-metal anthem.

“I think most people give us and nu-metal in general a bad rap. It’s not all about manufactured angst and embarrassing fashion trends, it’s sometimes about overcoming adversity, like the adversity one feels before a routine prostate exam,” Scott explained. “That’s what ‘Click Click’ boom is really all about. So next time you hear it in a Fast and Furious movie or whatever, let it be a reminder that it’s a standard medical procedure, and your manhood isn’t being threatened, and you’re not gay or fuckin’ whatever the jabroni losers say.”

Leading urologist Dr. Cindy Zhao discussed past patients who use surface-level metal bands to prepare them for anything medical.

“Very few people understand how beneficial those tough guy bands have been for professionals such as myself,” Dr. Zhao explained. “It used to be that men were so self-conscious about their masculinity, they would rather die than get a routine test. Since ‘90s Pantera, and with the advent of nu-metal, men have been using aggressive music to get prepared for things like colonoscopies and such. As a matter of fact, we at the hospital sit each colonoscopy patient in a room with Pantera’s ‘Walk’ playing. You can almost see the nervousness disappear and the insane adrenaline take hold every time.”

At press time, Saliva issued a statement saying they’ve accepted the role as “the official nu-metal band of proctology” according to the American Medical Association.

Punk Pledges $20,000 per Month to The Hard Times Patreon After Randomly Guessing Valid Credit Card Number

Posted on by Courtney Hill

BOSTON — Local punk Patricia “Peg Leg” Sullivan made a massive pledge of $20,000 per month to the recently launched Hard Times Patreon after randomly guessing a valid credit card number, confirmed Hard Times administrators hoping fraud alerts aren’t triggered.

“I woke up pretty hungover and the first thing I saw on my phone was that The Hard Times was launching a Patreon and possibly going out of business if they didn’t get any help. I’m pretty broke because my parents cut me off, but I know that credit cards usually have the same first four digits for each card, so after that, it’s just a guessing game,” said Sullivan. “It only took me about 45 minutes to finally get a number combination that worked. I really wanted to support them in the biggest way possible so I pledged $20,000 recurring, and I hope that helps. The internet wouldn’t be as fun without them.”

Friends of Sullivan were moved by her support and quickly found ways to also help.

“I’m bad with numbers, so I pledged money the old-fashioned way and stole my Dad’s credit card and signed up for the $20 a month tier,” said Rory Gutman. “My roommate Luke immediately went down to Mass General to sell his plasma and he plans on giving that cash to The Hard Times as well. Not all the money though, he’s got to buy cigarettes and beer for the house first, then whatever money is left over The Hard Times can have.”

A representative for Mastercard hopes more people will pledge money to The Hard Times using traditional payment methods.

“It’s nice to see so many people support an independent comedy project in 2024, but please do it using money in your own bank account. I don’t want to have to sit on the phone with some Boomer explaining that they need to cancel their card,” said customer service rep Larry Anders. “It takes up my entire day, and without fail it turns into a rant about Biden’s immigration policy. So yes, support The Hard Times, but do it legally, that way they can actually rely on the money each month.”

R.I.P The Hard Times 2014-2024… Unless?

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Hello!

When we started Hard Times and Hard Drive almost 10 years ago things were a bit easier for us. Facebook and others allowed our comedy to spread organically. Now, whenever we mention a political name or term, we see the reach of that post plummet. If we reference s*x or anything risque, we sometimes see our reach punished for a month or more. When we use swear words in an article, advertisers put us on a blacklist. When we put a link on a merch post, algorithms decide it’s better readers don’t see that post and just stay on social media.

We don’t want to complain. We just want to keep making jokes. But it’s becoming harder and harder to keep the lights on in this new environment. Our sites can no longer survive without some help.

So we’re launching a Patreon. https://www.patreon.com/thehardtimes

We’re completely owned and operated by our original founding team, which started as a punk zine almost a decade ago before also expanding to video games and nerd culture. During the pandemic, we actually sold Hard Times (not Hard Drive) in a bid to safeguard editor salaries, but after some disagreements with management, we decided it was best for the site if we bought it back and went completely independent and DIY again, just like how we started. So that’s where we are now.

We love the sites too much to see them go the route of so many other publications. We know you’ve seen many publications die and fade away. You’ve seen social media algorithms restrict content and what you see. So you get it.

We don’t want to be dramatic, but your support via Patreon is the only way to keep Hard Times and Hard Drive alive. Behind the scenes we’ve tried every other option we could think of (you’ve probably seen some). We’ve always resisted asking our audience for financial support and used as much personal money as we could to keep things afloat, but transitioning into a partially community-funded thing is our last real option.

If you’d like to see The Hard Times and Hard Drive continue in 2024 and beyond, please consider becoming a patron (click here). We’re hopeful there are enough of you out there so we can keep the lights on, focus on creating content people enjoy, and spend more time creating exclusive NSFA (not safe for algorithms) content for patrons.

We’d like to have fun with this and consider it a new era of our comedy project. We’ll be doing things like creating exclusive articles every day for patrons, early access to ad-free versions of our articles, letting patrons vote on coverage/topics for future content, making playlists and articles about supporter’s bands or indie video games, giving merch discounts, and creating a Discord where readers can talk with our founders, writers, and editors. We want our community to be able to see behind the scenes, pitch ideas, pose for images that go with headlines, and a lot more.

We’re excited to experiment with some new community projects, like creating a Hard Times and Hard Drive dating service where our editors will help satirically exaggerate facts about patrons, hype you up, and post what looks like screencaps from this made-up satirical Hard Times/Hard Drive dating profile to our social media and tag you. We also want to create a “Scene Legends” version of this for people who don’t want the dating angle and just want to have us write jokes about them or their band/indie game/project.

We’d love it if The Hard Times and Hard Drive could become more of a community project instead of beholden to social media algorithms and advertisers. And we don’t want to see it owned by anyone who loves it less than us. But we can’t do it without you.

If you’re out there and enjoy our stuff, it’d mean the world to us to see your support via our Patreon. If you can’t support us financially, we understand. Reposting or telling a friend who enjoys our stuff would be terrific.

If we are unable to get enough patrons to keep the lights on, we’ll refund everyone who subscribed and shut the Patreon down.

Thanks for reading and the years of laughs, comments, and energy either way.

-The Hard Times and Hard Drive

P.S. We thought about making this funny but decided creating funny content online is what got us into this mess in the first place.

Couple Simultaneously Offended, Relieved They’re Not Invited to Wedding

Posted on by Tim Graham

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Hannah and Jack Lungo experienced both anger and relief upon realizing they hadn’t been invited to their friends’ wedding, according to sources who were invited and had to hear all about it.

“When we saw all these people on social media talking about Lucy and Dan’s upcoming wedding, we were outraged,” said Hannah. “We practically introduced those two, and now they can’t even invite us? I can’t think of why they would leave us out, unless it’s to do with that time Jack got drunk at game night and threw up on their cat. In any case, we were pissed off—that is, until we saw that the wedding was in Colorado. We wound up being pretty relieved that we didn’t have to spend all that time and money on flights, a gift and a hotel. Fuck ‘em, they’re not worth all that. No one is.”

Conversely, mutual friend Constance Washington and her partner were initially excited to be invited to the wedding.

“We really like Lucy and Dan,” said Washington as she struggled to close an overstuffed suitcase. “So we were psyched that we made the cut. But then we found out it was a ski-themed destination wedding, and that kind of put a damper on things. That means taking time off of work, hiring a dog sitter and refilling my Xanax script so I can fly without having a panic attack. And Jesus, the packing! You ever try cramming a gown and snow pants into a carry-on? Besides, we don’t even ski!”

Psychologist Wendy Spangler advises people to take pleasure when plans are canceled or when they’re not invited to an event.

“I remind patients to relish in what the Germans call ‘Stornierungsfreude,’ or the joy of canceled plans,” said Spangler. “I would tell this couple not to be disappointed, and rather to enjoy their newfound free time. Instead of the headache of travel, they are free to rest comfortably in their own home. Instead of enduring arduous, banal small-talk at the table full of strangers they’d inevitably be placed at, the two of them can eat burritos and binge watch the new season of ‘Fargo.’ They are free to do anything they like now—or better yet, nothing at all!”

At press time, the Lungos were reportedly cozily nestled on their couch, giddily scrolling Instagram pictures of the wedding, which was ruined by heavy rain.