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Punk Surprised The Hard Times Not Funded Entirely By Owner’s Parents

DUXBURY, Mass. — Local punk Danny Coulstring was shocked to learn that the somewhat popular satire news publication The Hard Times was not funded by the owner’s parents and launched a Patreon to encourage support from its readers, confirmed sources.

“I was confused when I saw that The Hard Times was having money issues. I know whenever I need to pay rent or buy a new phone all I do is call up my dad, apologize for calling him an asshole at Thanksgiving and then he gives me all the money I need. So I’m not sure why they don’t just ask their parents for cash,” said Coulstring, who lives with 12 other punks in a squat in Lower Allston, but also keeps a condo in the Back Bay for when he wants privacy. “My band’s last album was completely funded by my parents, even though I told my bandmates I got the money from selling acid and robbing a Dunkin Donuts.”

Founders of The Hard Times were quick to point out they don’t come from anything resembling wealth.

“My dad worked construction and died on the job when I was 19, and my mother will have to work until the day she dies because she has no retirement plan,” said Hard Times co-founder Billy “Badtooth” Conway. “I wish my parents had invented something useful so I could cash in on that generational wealth. I’m legitimately jealous of the crust punks who act broke but are actually in line to inherit the Gillette fortune. Thankfully there are lots of people stepping up who are willing to support The Hard Times through Patreon.”

Media analysts have noted there are often a lot of misconceptions about online brands.

“People will see an account with a lot of followers and instantly think that translates to money. Often times the only way these people make money is by selling mushroom-infused teas for $250 a post, or OnlyFans, that works for a lot of people,” said Amari Singh, who studies online trends. “Patreon is definitely the way to go for The Hard Times, I’ve seen the founders and you would not want to pay to see them naked, in fact you might pay to have them keep their clothes on.”

At press time, Coulstring refused to support The Hard Times with his parents’ money citing something about “corporate bullshit.”