Singer Celebrating 1 Million Spotify Streams Needed Back in Frozen Food Section

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON – Local singer Riley Wambach briefly celebrated hitting one million Spotify streams before being summoned back to the frozen food section of the grocery store where she’s been employed for 10 years, according to nearby sources purchasing suspicious amounts of Reddi-wip canisters.

“I’m fucking rich, y’all!” sobbed Wambach as she fell to her knees in an act of unbridled joy. “I’ve busted my ass for so long in the music business that I started to think it was never going to happen. And now by the grace of almighty God I’ll finally be able to quit this shitty store job and live the life I’ve always been destined to, right after I finish stocking the nearly empty ice cream section I’ve been neglecting for days. Then I can decide whether to buy the red Lambo or the yellow one. Hashtag RichPeoplesProblems!”

Fiesta Market & Deli store manager Tom Poblano believed his employee’s celebration was premature.

“Ms. Bigshot can celebrate later, right now I need her to clean up some soggy tilapia that went rank after one of the freezers seized up,” stated the clipboard-wielding boss. “I don’t have the heart to tell her that Spotify doesn’t pay shit and that she’ll still need this job to survive, just like all the other musicians who work here. Maybe I’ll give her a few minutes after she cleans that up before I point out that a service animal just took a nasty dump in front of the Bagel Bites and Hot Pockets section.”

Music expert Tracy Graham explained that streaming services don’t compensate artists enough.

“Many people mistakenly believe they’ll get rich quick by having songs on digital platforms,” explained Graham. “Just because these sites have revolutionized the way fans listen to music doesn’t mean musicians are getting their fair share. Most of them still need to keep hustling with side jobs or continue living with their parents because if there’s one thing that won’t change with the music industry regardless of new technology, it’s the capacity to fuck over hard-working creators. Those leeches are very resilient.”

At press time, Wambach was seen frantically calling her bank to question where the rest of her “fuck you” Spotify residual money was.

Opinion: Show Me Where in the Rulebook It Says a Dog Can’t Be My Only Friend

Posted on by Dan Rice

Alright, I want everyone to just settle down. I realize many of you find this unorthodox, but let’s focus on the facts. Yes, this man here is my friend, yes he is my only friend, and yes, he is a pitbull/lab mix by the name of Roscoe. So what? Show me exactly where in the rulebook it says a dog can’t be my sole friend and confidant in this world.

Go on, look it up. I’ll wait.

I wish I could assume that your dumbstruck silence indicates the matter is settled, but I am still sensing a lot of weariness here. I assure you, I checked, and this is allowed. If I were to have sex with Roscoe or ask him to marry me, you would have something. That would be illegal, and frankly wrong. I would have to concede that your protests were valid if I were romantically involved with this dog in any way, but I’m not. We’re just really good friends.

Need I remind you that I was heavily pressured to utilize the plus-one allowed to me for this work luncheon? I was reminded repeatedly that the plus-one did not need to be a significant other. At one point, I was even asked, “don’t you have a single friend who wants a free steak?” It’s not my fault that no one asked any follow-up questions when I said “Well, there is my buddy
Roscoe.” And I think you’ll find that my friend here enjoys a free steak as much as any human.

Okay okay, I can see it in your eyes. “How can a dog be your only friend?” you want to ask. “A dog can’t even talk!” Well, I’ve had a lot of friends who could talk over the years, and they all wound up either boring me or lying to me. Not Roscoe though, never a false note out of this guy. He’s loyal, his zoomies are top-notch entertainment, and if he needs something from me like treats or belly rubs he lets me know it. Roscoe doesn’t play games.

Speaking of games, don’t even try to tell me Roscoe can’t participate in the company basketball game after this because I’ve got news for you.

We Tried To See if Dead Baby Jokes Were Still a Thing and Now We’re Being Called Into HR

Posted on by Ben Friedman

With all the terrible things going on in the world, sometimes you need to laugh to keep yourself from crying. Everyone is so cynical about life and I don’t blame them! Black humor has helped us push through some bleak moments in our lives, new ones which seem to be occurring on the daily. This is why I’m surprised that my killer set of dead baby jokes at the office is being rewarded with a meeting with HR.

I figured it was safe to assume that dead baby jokes were grandfathered into the resurgence of early 2000s nostalgia like low-rise jeans and iCarly. But I guess some people who were born in the actual year of 2003 aren’t hip to the dark humor that permeated the early aughts.

Give me a break, my generation watched 9/11 happen.

If anything, I started a dialog. And that dialog apparently made its way over to HR where I’m sure they’ll make me explain “what’s so funny about it” and all that bullshit. But if I have to explain to them how many babies it takes to paint a house it’s not funny anymore!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in the mindset that people are too sensitive these days but we need to discuss where the line is drawn. I have literally seen TikTok videos making light of dead spouses and family members getting tens, sometimes thousands, of likes. But should you posit a scenario about fitting 50 babies into a bucket by way of a blender, you get uninvited from the office happy hour. And these babies aren’t even real! Who’s the real asshole here?

I’m like 99% sure people were laughing! Hell, Carol in accounting was practically laughing so hard she was crying. Seriously, she cried for a long time, all the way into the bathroom for 20 minutes. Holy hell that was a good joke. I’m sure she’ll vouch for me.

I joked my way into this, and I can joke my way out. Easy as pie! That’s made out of babies! Jesus, the jokes write themselves. I think I’ve got this, just as soon as IT gets here and they help us figure out why my ID badge and email have been disabled.

Punk Celebrates 20 Years of Complaining About AFI Selling Out

Posted on by Zach Hudson

MILWAUKEE — Local punk Max Prime is celebrating his 20th year of incessant complaining about his former favorite band AFI signing to a major label and becoming “unforgivable sellouts,” sources who cannot believe he’s still doing this shit confirm.

“Man, it’s hard to believe ‘Sing The Sorrow’ is already 20 years old. I still remember hearing it for the first time and immediately knowing AFI was finished,” said Prime, shaking his head grimly. “I knew I had to make it my mission to tell everyone how I knew about them before they were huge, and how I’ll never listen to any of their new stuff. Normally I can only find things to complain about regarding an artist for like five, maybe ten years, so this is a really big deal for me. My buddies have mostly stopped bringing up AFI around me, but I’m sure they have something planned for this milestone.”

Prime’s housemate Brad White does not have any plans to help him celebrate and wish he’d shut the fuck up about it already.

“No, we definitely don’t have anything planned. In fact I booked an AirBnB just so I could get away for a few days while Max rants to no one,” said White. “I like ‘Sing the Sorrow,’ and I like everything AFI has put out since. Well, except for ‘Crash Love.’ I don’t really care for ‘Bodies’ either actually, but that’s not the point. Bands evolve, it’s normal, and they still make an effort to play some deep cuts at every gig. If Max wants to just mope around listening to ‘Very Proud Of Ya’ for the rest of his life, that’s his problem.”

Members of AFI report a deep desire for fans to move on.

“Yeah, I know who Max is. He DMs me all the time complaining about our sound and how I used to be his idol and I betrayed him,” said frontman Davey Havock while braiding his mullet. “I’ve had him muted for years, but every now and then I check in and see if he’s moved on, and no, he has not. We’re all used to this now though. Just once I want to play a show without some crusty punk yelling at us to play some old stuff. And then when we do play the old stuff, they still just stand there with their arms crossed. Fucking annoying.”

At press time, Prime offered unprompted to give an extended interview breaking down every reason why “Sing The Sorrow” “sucks.”

I Gave John Lennon the Finger Guns the Day He Died and I’ve Felt Guilty Ever Since

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I have a confession. It’s been eating away at me for decades. On December 8th, 1980 when I waited outside of the Dakota Apartments hoping for a glimpse of my idol. Though I wasn’t able to meet him, I was able to briefly make eye contact and fire off a couple of cool finger guns at him. Later that night, I’d learn that my idol, John Lennon, had died of gunshot wounds.

They say to never meet your heroes. I never knew this is what they were warning me about.

I’ve thought about that day often. The day my harmless gesture ended in tragedy. I keep thinking of what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have tipped an imaginary hat. No! Regret fixes nothing. I must simply confess to what I’ve done and move on one day at a time.

I never told anyone about that day until now. One minute I was having a personal interaction with Mr. Ono himself, and the next I was watching football and having to learn about his demise. For a split second I thought I had magical finger-bullet-shooting powers and that was bittersweet, but when I realized it was a coincidence, I only felt bitter.

It feels so good to finally get all of this out. Obviously, I didn’t cause the death of my hero. But confessing to my symbolic part in his murder is cathartic nonetheless. Someday I’ll work up the courage to talk about the time I gave the throat-cutting gesture to a waiter on June 12th, 1994 at the Mezzaluna restaurant in Brentwood, California after he refused to give me a free refill.

Record Collector Fooled by Big Crate of Laserdiscs Again

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

VALPARAISO, Ind. — Voracious record collector Anson Tugliss once again mistook a large box of Laserdiscs at an outdoor market for LPs before it was too late, sources at the flea market confirmed.

“Damn it to hell, this always happens. I get too excited about seeing soundtracks for movies I never knew had vinyl releases. I was flipping through, all pumped and stuff…’Cabin Boy,’ ‘Mars Attacks!’ ‘George of the Jungle,’ stuff like that, y’know?” said Tugliss, while angrily cracking a rare disc of “Spice World” over his knee. “And then I pay the guy a huge wad of cash right before I realize, yet again, they’re of course Laserdiscs. Then all the guy can do is tap the ‘All Sales Final’ sign, before he taps the ‘We Don’t Sell Laserdisc Players’ sign. That guy’s got a sign for everything…”

Vendors at the Valparaiso Flea report initial confusion over the enthusiasm shown for the clearly worthless form of media.

“He’s got no case, he shouldn’t have been so inattentive. I wasn’t about to correct him, though. It’s tough to get rid of those things, especially these days. Everything he bought’s streaming free on Tubi as we speak,” said flea market vendor Harv Laemmle. “Next time I’ll try to trick him into taking some Betamax tapes too, and say that they’re regular cassettes and he’s just standing really close and his perspective’s off. I guarantee ya I could make that sale, the boy’s just that dim.”

Laserdisc CEO Ralph Rowlhutt stated he’s just glad to have the short-lived video format back in the public eye.

“Honestly, god bless that vendor for single-handedly keeping the Laserdisc economy flowing. Any day that Anson kid mistakenly buys a milk crate of my unwanted stock is another day that stock doesn’t end up in a secret landfill like all those ‘E.T.’ Atari games,” said Rowlhutt, from his tiny office. “I thank my lucky stars every day I decided to make Laserdiscs circular, and easily mistaken for records. I shudder at the thought of that coin landing the other way, and we had made them square. Scary to think about, sometimes that thought invades my nightmares and I don’t sleep for days.”

When contacted for a final statement, Tugliss stated he’s been playing the Laserdiscs on his turntable anyway, and even started to enjoy the resulting horrible screeching noises.

5 Times Taking Life Advice From a Beach Boys Song Led to Me Waking up in a Drained Swimming Pool

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Fun, fun, fun, ‘til daddy takes the T-Bird away! Also, Beach Boys songs are fun until you stop listening to them as background music at Johnny Rockets and view them as a viable source of life guidance.

While it is often said that the music of the 1960s is the poetry of a generation, it turns out that listening to the Beach Boys just leads to waking up fully clothed at the bottom of a drained swimming pool more often than you’d care to remember.

“You know she digs you and thinks you’re a real groovy guy/ But yet I’m not sure that I feel the same” – Don’t Hurt My Little Sister: Word to the wise, walking up to a guy who went out with your sister a couple of times in high school and drunkenly ordering him to prove he’s a real groovy guy has consequences, the biggest of which is he and his friends chasing you out of the bar, across a highway, and into the abandoned Wet City Water Park, where you trip into the dried out wave pool and wake up hours later.

“If you brought a big brown bag of them home/ I’d jump up and down and hope you’d toss me a carrot” – Vegetables: If you get excited when your community-supported agriculture box arrives and demand the farmer throws you a carrot but he actually has a hell of an arm and you have to go long and end up back at Wet City and then wake up with a seagull poking you, it’s time to stop taking Brian Wilson at face value.

“Gotta keep those lovin’ good vibrations a-happenin’ with her” – Good Vibrations: Good vibes at a party are all well and good, but deciding to maintain them by spontaneously jumping into a pool at a backyard party only works if you’ve checked if it has currently been emptied for retiling.

“Never had a lesson I ever learned” – Never Learn Not To Love: Technically, this is a Dennis Wilson solo track, but turns out that doing anything like the hardest-partying member of the Beach Boys is a lesson that ends up with you fucking trashed at the bottom of a kiddie pool and 911 being called.

“The Southern girls with the way they talk/ They knock me out when I’m down there” – California Girls: I don’t really want to get into this too much, but this girl from Alabama takes some things as a personal challenge and then you wake up missing teeth, somehow at Wet City once again.

Despite leaving me near dead at the bottom of a pool, ussually for hours at a time, at least none of these songs are “Kokomo.” Fuck “Kokomo.”

Mia Goth Placed Slightly Offstage at Oscars to Scream at Award Winners Who Go Over Time

Posted on by Dustin Newman

LOS ANGELES — The 95th Academy Awards is expected to feature intimidating English actress Mia Goth slightly offstage and ready to scream at any winners that go over their time, petrified sources confirmed.

“Long-winded or preachy acceptance speeches have always been a problem for the Oscars. Slowly turning up the music on the winners wasn’t cutting the mustard. But after seeing ‘Pearl’ a few months back, I got the brilliant idea of letting Mia Goth linger menacingly out of frame to enforce our strict speech policy,” explained award show producer Zoe Carillo. “It’s a win-win for us because it’ll keep the show under time, and also I’m terrified of Mia. So I’m hoping this gig will ease the pain of us not nominating her. I mean, she’s married to Shia Lebouf, so she’s gotta be at least partially insane, right?”

Goth elaborated on her “creative journey” while preparing for the upcoming show.

“Just like with acting, there’s a process to terrifying celebrities into peeing their tuxes and fleeing the Dolby Theatre in terror. You can’t go right to screaming ‘what are you doing you little baby?’ at Ke Huy Quan,” said Goth. “You’ve got to first give him a couple of eyebrow-less glares, followed by a few whispered threats, and then some distracting scarecrow humping in front of the podium. I’ve also been granted carte blanche to stick Judd Hirsch in the chest with a pitchfork if he goes off about Tibet or the rainforest or anything like that.”

While unusual, Hollywood insider Wyatt Robinson claimed similar tactics are being considered for other major award shows.

“After last year’s brouhaha at the Oscars, everyone is exploring new and exciting ways to keep celebrities in line like the trained circus animals they are,” said Robinson. “Word has it that the Emmys are considering fitting every nominee with a shock collar and then giving the remote to Brian Cox so he can shock anyone at his discretion. And the Grammys has arranged a deal with the California Penal System to let Suge Knight out of prison for the evening.”

In a related story, The Academy announced that James Cameron will be waiting in the lobby to beat the shit out of anyone that gets up to use the bathroom during the event.

Precocious 11-Year-Old Taylor Swift Fan Already Doxxing Critics at High School Level

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EVANSTON, Ill. – Local eleven-year-old and fanatical Taylor Swift fan Sophia Ellis is wowing the Swiftie community with her advanced online harassing, particularly in her ruthless doxxing of music reviewers who dare to state even the mildest of criticism toward Ms. Swift.

“Tay Tay means everything to me,” said Ellis during her free period between Biology and Home Room. “Some people call me a prodigy, but all I know is that when I get online and start SWAT-ing anyone who says the spoken-word bridge of ‘Me!’ was anything less than genius, it just feels natural. It’s not that I don’t put in the hard work to drive anti-Taylor critics to suicide, because I do. But I know that this is what I was meant to do and I want to do it the best.”

Freelance music critic Tory Gill can attest to Ellis’ skill as a ruthless defender of Taylor Swift’s music output, personal life, and sense of style.

“My life is pure hell,” said Gill, glumly reading his 17th email accusing him of being a pedophile. “All I did was write a review of ‘Reputation’ in which I commented that the track title ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ uncomfortably echoes the language of domestic abusers. Ever since then, this sixth-grader has been torturing me in ways Abu Ghraib interrogators would never dream of. Have you seen your name written on a Trapper Keeper and marked for death, just under Jake Gyllenhaal? I have. She’s like the Mozart of destroying people’s lives. Releasing their Social Security Number to Russian identity thieves, calling their mother to say they’re dead in a car accident, the works. Sophia, if you’re reading this, please, no more.”

Global pop star Taylor Swift has words of caution for her young, vengeful fans.

“I would never support online harassment and cyberbullying,” Swift said from her private jet. “But Sophia, I know that you are one of my true fans, and all should fear you. Mark my words, critics, I have millions of tiny, intensely focused followers like Sophia out there, and at my command, I will unleash torments that will make you wish that all existence would end. Only then will your suffering be over. ‘Midnights’ is currently on sale at all retailers and available on all major streaming services!”

As of press time, Sophia’s eyes had turned complete, unblinking black upon finding a Reddit comment that implied Swift’s guitar work was rudimentary at best.

Anti-Government Conservative Adds 75th Thin Blue Line Sticker to Truck

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Self-proclaimed freethinker Terry Schuse added a 75th thin blue line sticker to his prized truck despite constantly ranting about government tyranny, confirmed multiple sources who learned just to ignore him.

“Fact of the matter is the boys in blue are the only thing keeping this country from going to complete shit. The police would operate so much better without politicians writing all these bullshit laws and regulations,” said Schuse. “Cops should be able to work off of their gut instinct. If they don’t like how a fella looks at them then I think they should be able to put the boots to the guy. Show them who is boss around here. I make sure I salute every police officer I see, and I spit at all the jack-booted thugs in the government who keep trying to limit my god-given rights as an American citizen.”

Local police officer Sandra Gomez says she sees a lot of support from people who drive tricked-out pickup trucks.

“I got into law enforcement to be a positive change, but everything is so political now. When I see these guys wearing Punisher tank tops and modified American flags I sort of cringe,” said Officer Gomez. “They have all these plans to tear down the government and start over, but I don’t have the heart to tell them I’m actually a government employee. It would blow their minds if they found that out. They all think government is some abstract idea specifically designed to make their lives miserable. But it is nice when they buy me a coffee in the morning.”

Distributors of pro-police merchandise say business has never been better.

“I always vote Democrat because whenever there is some ‘radical leftist’ in the White House my business booms,” said Darrin Landers, owner and operator of Patriot USA Merch. “Whenever I need a little bump in business I’ll go on Facebook and share an article from 2021 about defunding the police and I watch the orders come rolling in. The weird thing is those same people will buy the ‘Kill Your Local Politician’ and ‘Trump for Dictator’ shirts I made on a dare. I don’t know if any of these people have the ability to connect the two ideologies.”

At press time, Schuse was in a catatonic state of ecstasy after stumbling across a giant thin blue line version of the Confederate flag.