STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify announced they are releasing a new feature that will allow users to listen to a song and a podcast at the exact same time, thus eliminating any need to hear your own thoughts, distracted sources confirmed.
“You know what’s better than one thing? Two things! That’s why we’re excited to announce the ‘simultaneous playback’ feature. You can now stream two pieces of audio from the same account at the same time,” said Cleo Berger, a representative from Spotify’s PR team. “Users will love it because it will further enable them to consume more of our incredible content and they will no longer be subjected to the noise inside their own brain. This revolutionary technology will wipe away all the dissatisfaction you have with your job, home life, or general lot in life because you won’t be able to hear anything other than the premium content only Spotify can provide.”
Iliana Harris has been beta-testing this feature and hopes it will finally drown out her inner monologue.
“When I bought a Bluetooth speaker for my shower, I thought I’d finally solved this problem. But I was wrong. Despite the non-stop audio shield I’d built around myself, the thoughts started to creep in even in the milliseconds of silence in a podcast or song,” said Harris. “This simultaneous play thing is a godsend. As long as I remember to pay my internet bill, I’ll never again have to ponder my hellish existence. I’ll never be forced to overthink a problem. Or even just regular think.”
Dr. Carter Garmo, a psychologist who studies the effect of media on a person’s well-being, has observed this behavior developing over time.
“A deer can hear about 300 yards in any direction. Now imagine if you duct-taped an amplifier to its head, so it’s able to hear every sign of danger for miles. It would probably die within a day. Social media has basically done that to every human on the planet.” said Garmo. “Early forms of self-medication included watching ‘The Office’ non-stop as background noise. And we’re only seeing examples get more extreme over time. You know, as I say this out loud, I’m realizing this may explain why ‘Suits’ was supposedly the number-one show on cable, but I’ve never met anyone that claims to watch it.”
Shortly after the release, Spotify announced they’d also struck a deal to install a fully immersive ad-funded audio experience on that little trail you walk to clear your head.