DENVER – Self-employed Phish superfan Dan Flanders was spotted at a local storage facility lugging large sandal filled wooden crates from his van and into his rented unit, bystanders report.
“Spring is upon us! I no longer need my snow sandals with the boot bottoms and the closed toe, or the fleece lined Birks I got at Red Rocks. At this point in the year, I want people at the grocery store to think, ‘whoa, that’s a lot of foot,’” Flanders said while gesturing emphatically to his crate and pointing out additional items to store. “This is a special balaclava that keeps my dreads safe from cracking, and this is a baja pullover lined with wool from Nepal. Listen, my house is filled with ten roommates, four dogs, two cats, and one room is just for frisbees and hand percussion instruments. That’s why I gotta rent this unit and 90% of its contents are clothing.”
Rebecca Gladwell, Operations Manager of the Storage Castle, says a large percentage of her business is renting units to jam band fanatics.
“Flanders is a regular, and one of the few people who’s mountain of weird footwear doesn’t make the entire lot smell like incense being lit in somebody’s armpit. I wish Tom’s of Maine would take making hygienic products seriously,” Gladwell sighed. “Being near the classic jam band cities is tough. Every night I walk the property and bang the doors, and every night some kid in tie-dye yells ‘harsh’ even though it’s rule numero uno to not sleep in there. Whenever it’s time for rent collection, they always try to barter homemade hemp necklaces or some sort of lentil stew. It’s just not allowed.”
An attorney for Birkenstock, Jack Adams, had a warning for those looking to wear sandals in colder climates.
“Birkenstock is not now, nor ever, culpable for any frostbite suffered from wearing our products outside of a Phish, Dispatch or Dead and Company concert in October through March,” Adams said while tapping a printed-out legal notice. “If you are selling one hitters outside a show in Michigan during December, it is your responsibility to wear something that covers the entire foot, something that could be worn with socks and tightened by laces. Don’t even think about sending us your Urgent Care bill. We will obliterate you.”
Upon hearing of a new van commune in Arizona, Flanders decided to trade the keys to his unit to some guy named Sunflower for directions there, a barrel filled with puka shells, and room temperature Amy’s vegan breakfast burrito.