How to Explain to Your Parents that They Don’t Need to Comment on Every Facebook Post They See

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The way our parents engage on Facebook with the same excitement and wonder as we did in the mid-2000s is adorable. Though it’s now largely a wasteland of Minions memes and boomer humor cartoons, the olds still feel compelled to comment their inner monologues on every post they see. I mean it’s really bogging down the algorithm. Here are some helpful tips to reign in your parents’ commenting sprees.

Informing Them that Not All News is Good News

Even if you’re barely on Facebook nowadays, it’s still prudent for some people to post life news there especially if it’s something significantly tragic. Let your parents know clicking the care emoji is a simple enough gesture, and commenting with a list of all the animals that have died in their care is not an effective way to express sympathy,

This Isn’t Grandma’s Photo Album

We do miss leafing through physical photo albums, but then again we weren’t screaming “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY” or “BARBARA CALL ME” every time we turned a page. Ask them if they really, truly need to say anything about pictures of food or your second cousin’s ex-wife’s son’s piano recital.

Leaving Restaurant Reviews to the Professionals

If your folks take issue with the color of their servers hair/nails, advise them to keep that shit to themselves instead of dropping a missive on a restaurant’s page about professional attire unless they want their food spat in 100% of the time.

Murphy’s Law: Porn Edition

Make them repeat after you: Facebook is not Google. Get that in writing and notarized if you have to, as no one needs to know your dad’s porn search habits. Why after all these years they can’t differentiate a social media site and a search engine is shocking considering the latter predates Facebook by twenty fucking years.

Grammar Police, Arrest this Man

One would assume, after enduring so many rants about being taught how to write cursive, that our parents would grasp the concept of basic grammar. Maybe the effects of all that lead consumption have finally caught up to them, because a frightening majority of anyone over 50 can now only communicate via multiple ellipses and exclamation points. Inform your mom that if she needs to vent her frustration about our country’s immigration policies to a knitting group, maybe do so in a way that doesn’t make her look like she was raised by feral hill people. We’re pretty sure they make Hooked on Phonics for adults.

DIY Musician’s Appreciation of Different Genres Leads to Five Uniquely Terrible Solo Projects

Posted on by KC Jones

AUSTIN, Texas — Local musician Garrett Thompson’s attempt to explore diverse music genres resulted in five uniquely terrible solo projects which were met with embarrassment across the scene, confirmed multiple sources familiar with the situation.

“I usually just stick to my usual alternative stuff, but I thought to myself ‘I have a really eclectic taste’ I could probably do this stuff too. I’m kind of a music freak, I even listen to everything. It’s weird, but I’m like a weird guy, you know?” said Thompson before long-windedly listing the influences his music sounds like a pale imitation of. “I wanted to do a psych-folk thing like Neutral Milk Hotel, but if Aphex Twin was in the band and they were mixed with the nu-metal elements of Korn, all with a tinge of Coldplay layered deep in the roots. I’m also working on a ska project for the eventual sixth wave.”

However, Thomspon’s attempts to showcase his expansive taste and finally be taken seriously as a musician backfired when it became apparent that he just sort of sucks.

“He did this one EP and was calling it ‘experimental hip-hop’ but it sounds like he’s just ripping off JPEGMafia,” said longtime friend Tim Weaver. “We can normally tell what he’s been listening to based on his current ‘style.’ He was really into country music for like a week, so he released a song ‘America My Home’ that was all weird and patriotic, but that same month he did this solo noise thing where he made a song called ‘This Country Can Lick My Shit-Filled Ass,’ and honestly I don’t know which was worse. Garrett is a nice guy, I don’t want to discourage him from trying new things, but he should stop trying new things.”

Thompson’s experiments mixing different genres have received a lot of local attention, though it is overwhelmingly negative.

“You’d think he’d try getting good at one thing before jumping into like five other projects but it seems like he really can’t focus,,” said Gage “Bull” Rees, a scene mainstay and bouncer. “I see this all the time. Last year there was a person who tried doing ‘Jazz EDM,’ and it was so bad we had him arrested. I think he might actually still be in jail. Kids think it’s innovative to just mash a bunch of shit together but it’s usually unlistenable.”

Faced with the resounding criticism and public mockery of his diverse projects, Garrett reportedly decided to step away from the music scene altogether in order to “change the landscape of cinema” by writing a screenplay “that’s sort of like Tarantino, meets the MCU, meets A24.”

Local Band Starts Patreon in Bizarre Sexual Humiliation Ritual

Posted on by Andy Holt

AKRON, Ohio — Local post-punk band Blaque Tye started a Patreon page last week as part of an esoteric sexual humiliation fetish, in which their utter failure as artists will reportedly be put on display for everyone to see.

“We’re begging total strangers — just pleading, desperately — for help fulfilling our desire to succeed as a band, since we failed miserably to do it ourselves,” said frontman Greg Thune, fidgeting in his chair. “I gotta admit, we were skeptical… but it turns out Patreon is the ideal platform for musicians like us: pathetic little inferior worms, who just couldn’t get the job done.”

The new Patreon caps an escalating series of actions from the band to denigrate themselves publicly for sexual gratification, including a Facebook fan page with only 17 likes, a battle of the bands in which they received no votes, and a “mixtape release show” that drew two attendees — both of whom left after the first song.

“Man, it would be a shame if this Patreon failed to draw any money, and our complete frustration was laid bare in front of everyone we know. Fuck,” said Thune, jumping from his chair and shuffling awkwardly to the restroom. “You’ll have to excuse me.”

Those close to the band have been mostly supportive of the bizarre fetish, but some have voiced private reservations about this latest escalation.

“Look, I try to go along with Greg’s sexual needs, because I think it’s important to keep open communication as a partner,” said Jenn Thune, his wife and dominatrix of five years. “I mean, we’ve tried every sick sexual practice you can think of — whips, bondage, you name it. But starting a Patreon? That’s just too pathetic. I mean, have some dignity.”

At press time, Thune and his bandmates were last seen hungrily refreshing the Patreon page — which, they were excited to learn, had yet to attract a single patron.

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Bartender Has No Idea Regulars Consider Him a Close Friend

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Leo Radler, a bartender at local pub The Swampland, is completely unaware that many of the regular patrons of his place of employment consider him a close, trusted friend and confidante despite him rarely making eye contact, sources indicate.

“I’m at The Swamp[Land] five or six nights a week,” said Ethan Benz, a part-time contractor. “And about that many days, too. At first, Leo was just some guy who poured my 7 and 7s, but over the years, we’ve really bonded. When I got fired from my job roofing job, he was here for me. When my girlfriend dumped me for going to the bar too much, Leo was my guy. When the manager kicked me out for pissing on the floor, Leo let me back in a few days later. Really, he’s the only person that understands me.”

“I mean that literally,” Benz added. “When I get a few 7 and 7s in me, I slur pretty bad.”

Radler was shocked to find that many of his regulars, whom he keeps track of by their stool number in the POS, are that emotionally attached.

“Bartending at Swampland is just a gig for me,” said Radler while polishing a glass with a cloth. “I play keyboards in an acid jazz band, and we’re going to move up to Portland any day now. As far as I’m concerned, I come here, clock in, pour drinks, wipe up vomit on Fridays, and then I’m outta here. The fact that anyone here considers me a friend is deeply troubling. I’m just glad they stick to this dump instead of the bar where I get fucked up at.”

Sam Lopez, a communications consultant, says that it is extremely common for intoxicated barflies to imprint on the people who provide them with alcohol.

“People in the service industry often face this situation,” said Lopez. “Bartenders don’t know that they’re the emergency contact for the winos they serve, waiters don’t know they’re de-facto emotional support animals for picky eaters, and most therapists don’t realize that their clients have fallen in love with them, like my gorgeous and brilliant Dr. Pritchard-Smoot. The important thing to do is to set clear boundaries with these people to let them know that they’re just a client and not a close friend, confidante, advisor, mentor, protege, or someone who cares if they live or die.”

As of press time, Radler had made another lifelong friend by saying “have a good one” to a departing customer.

Help! I Recorded a Fart Through a Chase Bliss Pedal, and Now I’m Number One on Spotify’s Ambient Charts!

Posted on by John Danek

Oh no. No, no, no. This is bad. You gotta help me!

Here’s the backstory. I told my idiot friend Carl that his overpriced Chase Bliss effects pedals are the equivalent of autotune but for the creatively challenged. That pissed him off and he replied in a very mocking (and borderline offensive) voice that “if these pedals are sooooo easy to use and always produce suuuuuch good results, then use them to make something popular.”

So I set up his Beyerdynamic M160 ribbon mic and connected it to his Chase Bliss Blooper. I removed my pants and underwear, bent over, and gave Carl the thumbs up to press record. After about 30 seconds of tummy gurgling and ab flexing, I produced a fart so heinous that Carl vomited on the spot. But don’t worry, we used a pop filter on the mic so it came out unscathed; I’m no monster.

(Note to Carl: I would throw away that pop filter.)

For good measure, I took the audio from the Blooper and ran it through the Chase Bliss Habit and the Gen Loss MKii then sprinkled on some reverb from the CXM 1978. Is Carl fucking sponsored by them, or are they a legitimate cult? No matter, Carl is in unimaginable credit card debt.

Anyways, the results. My fart was transformed into a melancholic, nostalgic warble of undulating layers and textures. It sounded cool! Of course it did, that’s what these pedals do. But the problem is that anyone else with this pedal can do the exact same thing I just did; the device does most of the “songwriting” here, not my asscheeks.

Things took a turn when I uploaded the “song” via DistroKid. Within hours, Spotify added my composition (named “Flat You Lent, 1986”) to the top of their Ambient Relaxation playlist. And I just saw that I am the most-streamed ambient artist on the platform. Fuck.

Some guy named Brian Eno keeps calling me at 3 a.m. threatening to make me “the next Laraaji” and that “we will make new Oblique Strategies together.” Should I file a restraining order? And now a company called Ambient Church is trying to book me for a gig to fart in some old church in Los Angeles. I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure you go to hell for that. Especially since he pitched bringing in a children’s choir from the inner city.

So yeah. Chase Bliss pedals have ruined my life. But things could be worse: at least they’re not making Tubescreamer and Klon clones.

Indie Shazam Finds Song and Gatekeeps It From You

Posted on by Liam Stephenson

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — A new app called Sentry is being labeled as the industry’s “Indie Shazam” and is capable of identifying a song and gatekeeping it from users, confirmed sources who claimed to know the application before it was cool.

“It’s easy to use, and makes me feel like a total asshole,” claimed tech developer Clint Bordhum. “Just open the app, press ‘find song,’ and boom: Sentry will immediately search its massive database for whiny, eye-rolling excuses to avoid telling you the song you want. Our database has over 100,000 meticulously crafted phrases designed to make you give up, including, ‘They’re not on streaming services,’ ‘You wouldn’t like them,’ and a fan favorite, ‘You don’t know this song? They’re literally nominated for a non-televised Grammy.’ Only thing we have left to do is figure out who the target market for this thing is.”

Fred Burlington, a rabid indie music fan, is extremely happy with the app’s release.

“Thanks to Sentry, music is in a golden age again,” stated Burlington. “In the old days, if you heard a song in public and wanted to know what it was called, you were screwed. Nowadays, people have access to everything: the song, the artist, and what 15-year-old the singer brought on their 1972 tour. I blame that mainstream Shazam app for that. It pains me. I miss the era of explaining music to women at parties. Hopefully, this app will bring back the glory days of music conversations from 2008.”

Though Sentry has faced backlash for “encouraging exclusion,” psychologist and Northeast Iowa College professor Dr. Lippen defended the app’s social impact.

“Exclusion is good for the human brain,” argued Dr. Lippen. “If a kid walks up to another group of kids and asks to play basketball with them, they should say no. Remind the kid that he has flaws, and that nobody likes him, and that he sucks at basketball, and that he’s got a weird-looking neck. It builds character. Music is no different. Sentry is reminding us that some people have cool, niche music tastes that should never be shared with anyone no matter how much you want to make friends, and others that have thriving social lives. You can’t have both.”

At press time, Sentry earned nearly 500,000 downloads in just a week, though developers want users to know that they would “never sell out like that.”

Iowa Republicans Instinctively Burn Books to Warm Up During Caucus

Posted on by Bobby Korec

DES MOINES, Iowa — Conservative voters immediately opted to burn books to warm up at the Iowa Caucus due to record low temperatures before considering any other more reasonable alternatives, confirmed sources who couldn’t feel their fingers.

“I always keep a few extra copies of Barack Obama’s ‘The Audacity of Hope’ in my trunk for when the weather drops below 60 degrees and I need their heating properties,” said lifelong Republican Andrew Youman while ordering the latest edition of Hillary Clinton’s memoir in bulk to restock his fuel supplies. “After all, this is how I heat my entire house. Sure, it’s a lot more expensive and inconvenient than traditional methods, but buying thousands of copies of liberal-leaning books and burning them for warmth is how we as conservatives show how much we cherish free speech. At least I think that’s why we do it. Regardless, it does a bang-up job of keeping us warm during the caucus. Can’t wait to cast my ballot for whichever candidate I saw last on TV.”

Democrats protesting outside the Iowa Caucus mocked the book burnings.

“On one hand, these morons burning books makes them look like complete fools. On the other, it’s cold as hell out here and I want nothing more than to huddle around that fire to warm up alongside them,” said liberal voter Anna Mayfield. “But do they really need to use children’s books for kindling when there’s a perfectly good American flag that’ll work just fine? I mean, I’m not criticizing them for their resourcefulness. It’s more the execution. Like, if you’re going to burn a book for warmth, it should be Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged.’ That thing is 1,000 pages and could heat an entire warehouse.”

Experts were quick to note how Republicans unintentionally support these books by putting a spotlight on them.

“Conservatives are actually hurting their own cause,” said political strategist Lauren Shoemaker. “Remember that one Dr. Seuss book that no one’s ever heard of that they wanted to ban? Well, it’s been on the New York Times bestseller list ever since because liberals have been buying them up by the truckload as a way to protest conservatives’ initial protest of the book. It’s a never-ending cycle. Unfortunately, liberals ended up having too many copies and they all ended up in those free tiny neighborhood libraries. As soon as we all realize no one reads books for fun anymore, the sooner we can move past this issue as a country.”

At press time, a number of Republican voters were having so much fun burning books that they completely forgot to cast their vote during the Iowa Caucus.

Woman Too Embarrassed to Answer Security Question About Favorite Band in High School

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. — Local woman Ashley Harris refused to answer her bank’s security question this week claiming the prompt “What was your favorite band in high school?” is too embarrassing to answer, confirmed customer service records.

“I never thought I’d have to admit such personal information to a stranger. I used to be really into Boys Like Girls in high school, but I shouldn’t have to relive that trauma to access my own money, ” said Harris. “This is humiliating. It would be way less intrusive if they asked something like ‘What is your favorite sexual position?’ Or ‘How old were you when you lost your virginity?’ I feel violated having to talk about this. I know I’m going to be judged for mistakes I made a long time ago, but I’ve changed since then! I haven’t listened to ‘The Great Escape’ in over a decade!”

People familiar with Harris’s fandom confirmed that she definitely should be embarrassed to have such shitty taste.

“Ashley was obsessed with a lot of trash music during the Myspace days. But we all were, and we shouldn’t have to constantly relitigate those bad decisions,” said childhood friend Sarah Williams. “She had Cute is What We Aim for lyrics written on her backpack. Her room was covered in Cobra Starship posters. She actually wanted to get the weird Mayday Parade hat guy tattooed on her lower back, but luckily the only shop in town refused such a stupid idea. I’m just glad we all were able to move past that, and the only permanent reminder we have are the snakebite-piercing scars we have on our lips.”

Customer service representatives say they often encounter embarrassing answers to benign security questions.

“One common question is ‘Where did you meet your spouse?’ and instead of people putting a city, or even a specific restaurant they will get a bit too personal and have the answer be something like ‘The anal-play room at the sex dungeon,’ and it’s tough to stay professional when that happens,” said PNC Customer Support Specialist Brian Martinez. “It can be sad though. Last week the security prompt was ‘What was the name of your childhood best friend?’ and the person’s answer was ‘Nobody, I’ve always been alone, so alone.’”

At press time, Harris decided to permanently lose access to her savings account rather than answer the question.

The Next Stevie Nicks? I’m Wearing a Dress With Really Big Sleeves

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

I’ll be honest. Growing up, I never saw myself as an iconic singer-songwriter. Winning a ton of Grammy Awards, being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and selling more than 120 million albums worldwide? Look, I don’t even know how to hold a tambourine.

But something changed this morning after I put on my new dress. Call the record companies and start booking time in the studio. You’re looking at the next Stevie Nicks right here. I just feel it in my heart. To be more accurate, I feel my deep creative talent and career as a legendary performer in my arms. Specifically everywhere between my shoulders and several inches past my fingertips, now covered in enormous flowing sleeves of sumptuous black chiffon.

I’m sorry, did my extremely large yet ethereal sleeves just hit you in the face? You’re all just going to have to get used to that, because I absolutely will not be keeping my arms still.

Not when every dramatic whip of my voluminous arm fabric is practically writing a new line of a song by itself. Whoosh. It almost feels like crystal visions, if you know what I mean. Something’s happening, happening to me. My friends say I’m acting peculiarly. Please stop rolling your eyes and also stop asking me if I’m using cocaine.

Thanks to the majestic material billowing off my arms, I am a living legend. I’m ready to sell out stadiums and inspire a new generation of songwriters. Probably also cast some powerful spells, or at least scare people into thinking I’m practicing witchcraft.

Hold on, I need a few materials. Lace and paper flowers. Or leather and lace? Both. And definitely some gold dust. I’m talking tubes and tubes of metallic glitter. I can’t explain it, but it just feels right for my new musical career. Hey, does anyone have a coupon for Michael’s? Shut up, I don’t care about how hard it is to get glitter out of the carpet. Do you think Stevie Nicks thinks about that?

My dress sleeves have opened up a divine portal to creative genius. I am unstoppable. I am a cat in the dark. And a one-winged dove. And soon to be incredibly wealthy.

All right. I just need to take my dress off for a few minutes to eat my burrito because the stupid sleeves keep getting in the refried beans. Whoa. Now this old t-shirt is totally making me feel like the next Courtney Barnett.

Pitbull Only Member of Punk House Who Hasn’t Bitten Someone

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PORTLAND, Ore. — Current occupants of notorious punk house Shitshow Chateau revealed that their resident pitbull Hammer is the only inhabitant that has not bitten someone, animal control officers confirmed.

“Yeah I’m used to getting looks from the pearl clutchers on our block, but my collective owners make me look pretty damn good by comparison. Sometimes I get pissed about being adopted by crusties who resort to animal instincts when threatened, but they can’t help their nature,” said five-year-old pitbull Hammer. “I don’t mind taking the fall for them when they need to blame me for their farts or someone pisses the carpet, but getting blamed for giving the neighborhood dogs rabies is where I draw the line. They know damn well it wasn’t me.”

House resident “Psycho” Steve Flannigan acknowledged that Hammer was far and away the most well-behaved member of the collective.

“I wish I could take credit for him being such a good dog, but he just came that way. And damn did that work out because the rest of us here have all been charged with assault at least three times. That’s why the lease and our credit cards are all in Hammer’s name,” said Flannigan. “I just don’t like people getting too close to me man, I get real fucking defensive. Thankfully Hammer has stepped in to pry my jaws off of jackasses hassling me for shitting in public.

Animal control experts said that there has been a growing trend of being called to reign in out-of-control pet owners.

“There’s an old saying that says there are no bad pets, just bad pet owners. And lately we’ve noticed an increased number of individuals so out of line they basically eclipse any negative behaviors their animals may have. Hell, half the time I get a call about cats picking off birds around someone’s feeder, their owner is right there with the highest kill count,” said Harvey Wills. “It doesn’t shock me this one pitbull is more well-behaved than its owners. Pitties are actually nanny breeds by nature, so it wouldn’t shock me to see them dragging a baby away from its owners to give the baby a better living situation.”

As of press time, Hammer reported he had been bitten by one of his own punks after they both went for the same chicken leg in their neighbor’s garbage can.