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Indie Shazam Finds Song and Gatekeeps It From You

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — A new app called Sentry is being labeled as the industry’s “Indie Shazam” and is capable of identifying a song and gatekeeping it from users, confirmed sources who claimed to know the application before it was cool.

“It’s easy to use, and makes me feel like a total asshole,” claimed tech developer Clint Bordhum. “Just open the app, press ‘find song,’ and boom: Sentry will immediately search its massive database for whiny, eye-rolling excuses to avoid telling you the song you want. Our database has over 100,000 meticulously crafted phrases designed to make you give up, including, ‘They’re not on streaming services,’ ‘You wouldn’t like them,’ and a fan favorite, ‘You don’t know this song? They’re literally nominated for a non-televised Grammy.’ Only thing we have left to do is figure out who the target market for this thing is.”

Fred Burlington, a rabid indie music fan, is extremely happy with the app’s release.

“Thanks to Sentry, music is in a golden age again,” stated Burlington. “In the old days, if you heard a song in public and wanted to know what it was called, you were screwed. Nowadays, people have access to everything: the song, the artist, and what 15-year-old the singer brought on their 1972 tour. I blame that mainstream Shazam app for that. It pains me. I miss the era of explaining music to women at parties. Hopefully, this app will bring back the glory days of music conversations from 2008.”

Though Sentry has faced backlash for “encouraging exclusion,” psychologist and Northeast Iowa College professor Dr. Lippen defended the app’s social impact.

“Exclusion is good for the human brain,” argued Dr. Lippen. “If a kid walks up to another group of kids and asks to play basketball with them, they should say no. Remind the kid that he has flaws, and that nobody likes him, and that he sucks at basketball, and that he’s got a weird-looking neck. It builds character. Music is no different. Sentry is reminding us that some people have cool, niche music tastes that should never be shared with anyone no matter how much you want to make friends, and others that have thriving social lives. You can’t have both.”

At press time, Sentry earned nearly 500,000 downloads in just a week, though developers want users to know that they would “never sell out like that.”