Guitarist Showing Riffs to New Guy Unaware He’s Training His Replacement

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NEW YORK — Darren Gunderly, longtime guitarist for local doom metal band Lizard Fire, is blissfully unaware of the fact that the new guy at rehearsal he is showing the band’s songs to is actually his replacement, sources report.

“When we talked about the idea of getting a third guitar player, I was immediately super stoked about it even though it makes zero sense,” Gunderly explained as he put all of his gear into a box to be taken away. “Apparently, not only is this guy super talented and can catch on fast, the other guys say his gear is way better than mine, and is taking my old spot in the jam space. When I showed him ‘Bongbone Wasteland,’ our stoner anthem, he had it down on the first try! I can’t wait to see where Lizard Fire goes next, or where I’ll be setting up in the rehearsal space.”

Current Lizard Fire rhythm guitarist Shane Algieri says he doesn’t have the heart to tell Gunderly he’s been axed.

“It is really, really sad to see Darren just going along teaching the new guy everything he knows while totally unaware he’s toast. We thought he might get the hint when we asked him to stand out in the hallway during practice, but he just thought it was a unique way to focus on his playing,” Algeri explained. “But, on the other hand, I don’t have the patience nor the time to teach any newbies, so to hell with him. Besides, he would always be so sober compared to the rest of us on stage. It made us look bad. So good riddance!”

Music historian Robert Lucas says musicians working themselves out of a job is as common as you would expect.

“Many famous musicians have fallen victim to this very situation, even going back as far as the late 19th and early 20th centuries,” Lucas explained. “World renown folk singer Joe Hill probably had it the worst out of all of them, as his songs encouraging labor reform and Union activity worked him out of life itself. Little did he know that his songs would lead him to the firing squad. Sort of makes the P.M.R.C. look pretty tame in comparison.”

At press time, a confused Gunderly was heard asking his bandmates how changing the locks on their rehearsal space was supposed to improve the direction of the band.

 

Photo by Ian Charbeneau

Biden Sends Fundraising Email Asking Nation for Help Remembering White House WiFi Password

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — Democratic donors recently received a plea from the Biden campaign featuring a direct appeal from the President asking for assistance connecting his computer to the White House’s wireless network, sources confirm.

“It’s honestly getting annoying,” said Adrian Daniels, a frequent campaign volunteer who signed up for the Biden administration’s mailing list during the 2020 election. “Just last week, he said he needed help updating his anti-virus. It turns out that the license for the free premium demo was running out. We tried to explain that the basic protection plan would still work, but he said that he kept getting pop-ups about it. And don’t even get me started about the robo-calls asking us which TV remote he’s supposed to use when he wants to watch a DVD.”

President Biden issued a follow-up statement clarifying the email.

“Folks, let me be clear,” said President Biden through an aide who can type faster than 40 words per minute. “I have already tried the password posted on the refrigerator. I tried it once with big letters and once with small letters. It didn’t work. I think maybe one of you changed it the last time you were at the White House. I’m not blaming you. I just need your help. I do a jazz hour on the Alexa every night at seven, and she keeps telling me that she can’t connect. This should never happen in America.”

Presidential historians noted that this is not the first time that voters have been taken off-guard by unconventional outreach strategies.

“Of course, President Reagan was famous for his phone calls,” said Leona Wilson, professor of history at Columbia University. “Many Americans had the joy of picking up the phone during election season only to hear that familiar, kindly voice saying, ‘Hello, this is President Reagan, and I need your help. I don’t know where I am. There’s all these people around me who claim to be my staff, but I know they’re impostors. I think they’re trying to kill me.’ And we all remember President Clinton’s much more personal approach to persuading voters. It’s nice to see that type of communication evolving in the digital age.”

At press time, President Biden was able to successfully access the WiFi after his aide re-typed the exact password posted on the refrigerator.

What to Do When Caught in a Psychobilly Freakout

Posted on by Chris Jones

Once again you find yourself trapped in a Psychobilly Freakout and realize that it’s your last chance to escape before succumbing to a life where all your friends are fully-grown men who refer to themselves as cats. How did we get here? Maybe you were feeling nostalgic and replayed “Guitar Hero 2” only to discover that after 30 failed attempts of “Psychobilly Freakout” on Expert, you’re now so deep within the rockabilly scene that you’ve reached the point of no return. But it’s not too late! You don’t have to move to Encinitas, California and become a mechanic! Simply escape the psychobilly freakout using one of our tried and true methods.

Show Off Photos of Your Restored ’50s Convertible

The mob hopefully will then let you leave out of sheer respect for your ride. Beware that this can backfire though, and you very well could find yourself stuck facing off against multiple foes with soul patches in an on-the-spot car show while somehow still being trapped within the psychobilly freakout –like that movie Inception that we never understood, which is far worse.

Use a Pay Phone to Call Your Much Younger Girlfriend Sporting Black Bangs and Excessive Tattoos Saying Daddy-O Needs Rescuing Pronto

Just keep in mind you may have to bribe her with an offer to buy more bandanas or polka dot dresses that are way more expensive than they have any right to be. Sure, you’re already broke from driving a car that gets 5 miles per gallon and buying copious amounts of hair grease weekly, but hell—this could be your only ticket out of this pompadour hellhole after all, so don’t be stingy.

Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ’em

And by that we mean fucking all of them. Smoke so many damn throwback Lucky Strike cigarettes that you set off the fire alarm, using sprinklers to drown out the ‘50s surf guitar just long enough for the crowd to thin out and for you to beam your way to the malt shop just in time for your big date with Sally Williams, her dad’s wishes be damned.

Tell Everyone You’re Just Here to See Johnny Napalm

How were you supposed to know you were walking into an Eddie Knox show instead? Shout this repeatedly while forcing your way out and hopefully the crowd of wannabe Johnny Bravos will know you were expecting to hear a performance of ‘Search and Destroy’ instead of some deranged Dick Dale revival shit and obviously, therefore, don’t belong in the same room as these cat-calling animals.

Say a Quick Prayer to the Reverend Horton Heat

Rumor has it his psychobilly powers include to the ability to part a crowd akin to the way Moses parted the Red Sea. Sure, we only overheard this from a dude sporting an old leather jacket in between him asking for change to play jailhouse tunes on the ol’ jukebox at Smitty’s dive bar, but if you’ve tried step one through four already—what the fuck else do you have to lose?

Nu-Metal Conjoined Twins Born Connected by Dreadlock

Posted on by Courtney Hill

APPLETON, Wisc. — Hot Topic co-workers, Brandy Graff and Dilan Hoffstedter, were “hella stoked” to welcome healthy twin boys conjoined by a single dreadlock, into their life, hospital representatives reported.

“Watching my sons Phreak and Bizkit come into this world was like the nacho effect–ya know, where you grab one chip but then another is attached by melted cheese, except in this case it was two babies attached by a dreadlock,” Graff explained. “Being a new mom really changes you. Holding them for the first time made me think, ‘Ya know what, maybe I won’t let these bodies hit the floor.’ Maybe they’ll be guitarists like Munky and Head, or maybe they’ll just smash their faces against trash cans like Clown and, um, the other clown. Either way, we couldn’t be prouder!”

Neonatal surgeon and die-hard nu-metal fan, Dr. Humboldt “Nuggz” Penwick, weighed the pros and cons of separation.

“From a medical standpoint, it would be the easiest separation of conjoined twins ever, any classroom scissors will do. But that would risk ruining their unique creative bond,” said Humboldt. “When one of them thinks of a dope riff or sick breakdown, the other will instantly know it. We haven’t seen this level of hard rock rapport since the Cavalera brothers,” said Dr. Penwick. “As long as they keep a steady diet of Slim Jims and Code Red the dread will grow with them. They’ll obviously have to start off playing small gigs, but by the time the dread is 25 feet long they’ll be ready to completely destroy the main stage at Knotfest.”

Hoffstedter, however, wasted no time abandoning the twins forever without saying goodbye.

“I want my sons to thrive, and we all know a two-parent household is no place for nu-metal greatness,” he said while taking a hit of his flavored vape before getting in his 2002 Buick. “These kids are gonna have a hard life, but the best musicians all do. Their condition will bring them much fame on the internet, and while I want only the best for them, it’s probably better for all of us if I hit the road and literally go buy cigarettes.”

At press time, Graff is currently dating all of Mudvayne, while Hoffsteder was last seen tricking a Spencer’s Gifts cashier into paying for his Panda Express orange chicken.

Pitchfork Editor Forced to Review Cigars for GQ Calls La Aroma de Cuba Mi Amor Belicoso “Sonically Challenged” and “Derivative”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former Pitchfork Editor Adam Rhodes admitted he was struggling in his new role reviewing cigars after his previous employer merged with GQ Magazine, confirmed sources currently bragging about partying with Jacob Elordi.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to still be employed but cigars aren’t my area of expertise. If GQ wants an extensive write-up on boygenius I could do that for days, in fact, I keep pitching them on a piece called ‘The Wonderful Mind of Phoebe Bridgers’ and they said if I bring it up again they are going to beat the shit out of me,” said Rhodes. “On my first day, they made me try five different cigars and I threw up for an hour. I’m used to smoking clove cigarettes and doing some light cocaine on weekends, but this is completely foreign to me. Not to mention I hacked off a piece of my fingertip with the stupid cigar cutter and passed out when I saw the blood. Now everyone in the office is calling me the ‘Patron Faint of Cigars.'”

Longtime GQ Editor Kevin DeLaste says many Pitchfork writers have had trouble adjusting to their new roles.

“Adam’s first piece for us was about the best ties for men for 2024 and he used the word ‘angular’ 175 times. And that seems to be the case with most of the staff we brought over from Pitchfork, we had one of them write up a piece on the Tesla Cybertruck and within two sentences it turned into an article about how Frank Ocean’s ‘Blonde’ was ahead of its time,” said Delaste. “We also had to institute a new policy where if you listen to Neutral Milk Hotel you have to do it wearing headphones and you are not allowed to sing along. It was a huge distraction to our team working on a feature about the gadgets Chris Hemsworth can’t live without.”

Online publishing industry insiders say you can expect a lot more of this as major brands continue to struggle in today’s market.

“Social media platforms have basically destroyed online media. Pitchfork is just one of many brands you will see go under within the next few years. Don’t be surprised when you see Wired being merged with Vogue to create one of the most confusing workplaces ever created,” said media analyst Donna Lando. “Brands owned by media giants cannot be saved at this point, but you can support independent publishers very easily by sharing their stories, reading the articles, or even subscribing to their Patreon.”

At press time, multiple former Pitchfork employees were forced to meet with HR to explain all the favorable coverage they gave to Kanye West over the years.

Florida Legislature Changes Official State Bird to Parrot They Taught to Say The N-Word

Posted on by Stephen Bell

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida’s state legislature is once again making waves nationwide after changing their official state bird from the Northern mockingbird to a parrot they taught to say the N-word as their bird representative, confused, but not surprised, sources confirmed.

“This bird is one of the smartest birds I have ever encountered,” stated Florida Governor Ron Desantis. “Parrots are some of the only birds that are unwilling to give into the woke mind virus that corrupts those other loonie birds also known as Democrats. It is constantly speaking its mind and I think does well to represent the good people of Florida that I actually pretend to care about. And yes some people might claim that it’s racist for us to do this, but the parrot has red feathers which I think technically makes it a bird of color or something thus giving it the N-word pass.”

The Republican-controlled legislature expressed how giddy they were to officially make this change.

“When this parrot first flew into our legislative halls we thought it needed to be removed quicker than a Mexican migrant from our state because they’re both invasive species as far as I’m concerned,” said Florida House Speaker Paul Renner. “However, after failing to catch the bird for hours on end we sort of put up with it. Eventually it started to pick up on some of the phrases it heard us saying and pretty soon it was dropping more hard R’s than an episode of ‘Sesame Street’ if it was directed by Ben Shapiro. It was the funniest thing ever and we knew we had to make this our state bird.”

Florida State professor of Ornithology Robin Barns was less than excited to hear about the change that was being made here.

“You know for a group of people who constantly complain about ‘destroying history’ they sure seemed to have no issue changing the state bird when it advanced a racist agenda,” said Barns quite peeved. “This honestly feels like an act of animal cruelty because unlike what Mr. Desantis has said, these birds don’t actually know the meanings of the words they’re saying and aren’t ‘speaking their minds.’ I mean if I taught a parrot to say ‘Ron Desantis wears high heels and drinks his own piss’ then he’d probably put it on trial and give it the death penalty. This parrot’s ‘free speech’ is sure to be limited to only phrases they agree with.”

At press time, it was shown that the Florida legislature had set a trend as the people of Scottsdale, Arizona elected a dog that only barks at black people as their mayor.

Opinion: Let’s See That Thirteen Year Old Who Beat Tetris Fit My 12-Piece Drum Set In My Ford Fiesta

Posted on by Ryan Clark

I bet you think you’re a big man now, don’t you? But guess what, just because you are the first and only person in human history to ever accomplish something it doesn’t mean you are special! There are more things in life than pushing the limits of human potential, and in the real world, baggage doesn’t clear itself up just because you put it away neatly. Because, unlike Tetris, the real world is not all ages.

You think you’re the shit because you beat Tetris once? Try doing that in six different cities in a week with a bass player who keeps bringing you a snare drum when it’s obvious the wind chimes need to go in first! And unlike you, I don’t have the advantage of knowing which piece his coked-up ass is going to bring me next!

My trunk barely has enough room for one bass drum and I’m working with four! My tags have been expired for 2 years and I can’t check to see if a cop is behind me because high hats are blocking all of my mirrors!

You successfully fit bricks into a small space and become a viral sensation! I successfully fit all my drums in my car and I’m suddenly getting yelled at because my girlfriend needs to drive herself to the show now!

So go ahead and keep thinking you’re the shit! Because one day you’re gonna learn! The world is not a kind place, and sooner or later it’s going to grab you and blow you right in the cartridge!

Jack White Severely Sunburned by Buffet Heat Lamp

Posted on by Chris Bratton

LANCASTER, Pa. — Jack White, formerly of the White Stripes, was spotted outside of the Shady Maple Smorgasbord receiving treatment by EMTs after suffering second-degree burns caused by the glow of the buffet heat lamps, concerned sources confirmed.

“Being around fiery red heat bulbs I knew I was going to need the strongest sunblock, stronger than the stuff Marlon Brando lathers his face with in the remake of The Island of Doctor Moreau. But then I saw the line thin out at the carving station and instinctively ran in and grabbed a plate, it’s the country’s largest buffet, when you get a window for prime rib you plug in,” White laughed. “These are just battle wounds I cooled off at the sundae bar!”

Several staff members reveled in hosting a famous musician but seemed slightly confused by his enthusiasm.

“I was so stoked to talk to him about the Detroit scene when he was coming up but he just kept thanking me and asking how we do it. I don’t even cook anything,” Troy Grisette the establishment’s dishwasher elaborated. “I came in after a cig break to see if he would advise me on my pedal board layout, and at this point the burns on his face were oozing. I think the EMTs dunked him in a barrel of aloe. I know he must have been in excruciating pain but he was still beaming with excitement, and also holding up boxes of takeout food, shouting about how nobody ever gets to take food home from here. He kept referring to the experience as a ‘net positive,’ it was real fucking weird.”

Dr. Amy Lawrence, a dermatologist who specifically treats musicians expanded upon the incident.

“Most musicians don’t see much sunlight due to their lifestyle so they must be careful. Jack especially, because he has the skin tone of a bowl of milk mixed with hospital linens, said Dr. Lawrence. “I recommend sunblock for bright lamps, any situation around reflective surfaces, IMAX theaters, display screens on the Apple Watch, pretty much just always. Drink water, lotion up, and apply it so thick that bugs get stuck inside the excess goo when you walk around! I told Bob Dylan the consequences of a bad skin routine and now he looks like a California raisin come to life.”

After the interview, White heeded his doctor’s orders and went to the pharmacy to pick up prescription strength sunblock, aloe, and various moisturizers. Unfortunately, he was then very badly burned by the humming fluorescent lights of CVS.

Ticketmaster Somehow Charges $7.99 Service Fee for Secret Green Day Show on Subway Platform

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local entertainment ticketing conglomerate Ticketmaster was inexplicably able to charge a $7.99 service fee for each MTA rider who saw Green Day perform a secret set on a New York City subway platform, outraged sources confirmed.

“I was just trying to go home from work when all a sudden I swiped my metro card and was charged like five times the normal amount. I now understand why some people jump over the turnstile. It’s clearly to avoid Ticketmaster fees,” said Manhattan resident Jules Pennington. “Not to mention there was a $2.99 rat and large insect handling fee as well as a $1.99 fee for something called ‘just in case Jimmy Fallon shows up for some reason too.’ Can’t anyone just casually see a legendary band perform on New York City public transportation on a Tuesday to garner social media attention anymore? I guess not. Times have really changed.”

Ticketmaster executive Rory Glenn defended their decision to charge for the secret show.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. All we did was rig the Metropolitan Transportation Authority system to pay us a small handful of fees whenever a world-renowned band plays on one of their platforms,” said Glenn before cackling for several uninterrupted minutes. “It could be worse, we could also charge extra fees whenever those buskers play at any subway station across the tri-state area. We wouldn’t want to come across as greedy or anything though. Regardless, it’s like that saying we always refer to in corporate meetings: If a band plays in the woods and no one is around to charge service fees, did they really play? The answer is clearly no. This has been our mission statement since the beginning.”

Experts were quick to note Ticketmaster’s power over the music industry.

“It doesn’t matter where a band is playing or in what context, this company is going to charge you unnecessary fees,” said music historian Gabriel Huntington. “It’s just like whenever you’re watching a live performance of a band on YouTube or late night show. Ticketmaster will somehow add additional service fees to your internet or cable bill as a result of your viewing. In fact, 75% of inflation is due to Ticketmaster adding extra fees to everyday items. They somehow connect them to music. No one knows how they do that, but those that can do something about it don’t seem to care. We are all screwed.”

At press time, Ticketmaster also charged extra fees on all coffee orders at a local cafe where members of Green Day were spotted after the subway platform gig, despite the band not even performing.

Punk Kid Sets up Sharpie Tattoo Shop in Playground Tunnel

Posted on by Nat Hrvatin

PITTSBURGH — Trailblazing tattoo artist, entrepreneur, and fourth-grade student, Sammy “Slugman” Sluggins opened up a discreet semi-permanent Sharpie-based tattoo shop in a tunnel located on the playground at the Longbrook Intermediate School, confirmed multiple sources getting black ink all over the place.

“I dunno. I found a Sharpie on the ground and felt like drawing stuff. After my first two clients it really took off just by word of mouth,” Slugman revealed when asked about his inspiration behind the innovative shop. “And soon enough, I got customers lined all the way to the swingsets, looking to trade bags of Doritos for whatever I felt like tattooing on them. I got so busy I had to close my books until after summer break. Some people are mad that I haven’t responded to their ‘Will you tattoo me? Yes or No’ notes, but I promise I’ll get to everyone eventually.”

Although praised by all his classmates, Slugman’s work raised some controversy in the community when PTA president, Mary Roseum, shared her disdain for the tattoo shop.

“My son, Fitz, came home yesterday with the most disgusting thing on his wrist,” Roseum stated while scrubbing off a Sharpie tattoo of a planet under the words: UR ANUS. “Then today, my sweet but impressionable boy stole all the chips from our pantry to pay for a Sharpie sleeve of solar system tattoos and now I want that Slugman kid stopped. What these children don’t realize is that ink can stay visible for up to eight days. They aren’t thinking about the long-term ramifications or how their grandmother will react.”

Longbrook’s principal, Dale Damiano, addressed requests to have the Sharpie tattoo shop shut down immediately and Slugman suspended.

“As Mr. Sluggins has not broken the student code of conduct, I do not feel any punishment is necessary. His shop is a creative endeavor that I support wholeheartedly,” Damiano announced while concealing with his pant leg what appeared to be a Sharpie tattoo on his ankle depicting Shrek belching out the motto: LIVING THAT SWAMP LYFE. “However, some parents will be happy to know that Mr. Sluggins’s shop was closed due to a hornet infestation.”

At press time, Slugman announced plans to re-open for business in the wobbly bridge in his neighborhood park, as the ever-moving surface will create organic, spontaneous designs that he says will look “really cool.”