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30 Valentine’s Day Gifts That Will Keep Your Garbage Fire of a Relationship Going Months Longer Than it Naturally Should

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day again, and your so-called long-term relationship has run its course. You know it, they know it, all of your friends know it. A breakup is around the corner, and that’s usually a sad time, but on a very surface level, it doesn’t have to be!

Sure, if a person is in a relationship that’s turned toxic they need to end it. A person also needs to get that wisdom tooth removed, get a weird skin tag checked out, or start job hunting. That doesn’t mean said person won’t do all kinds of rationalizing mental gymnastics to put those scary/painful things off for as long as humanely possible!

Breaking up is such a to-do. Not only is it a painful process that usually involves a lot of false starts and back and forths, but on top of that, you need to pack up your stuff, find a new place to stay, divvy up friends and assets, change passwords and aaaaaahhhh it’s just a lot! On some level, your partner is probably just as desperate as you to put all that off for months, maybe years. And THAT is why we celebrate Valentine’s Day!

The right Valentine’s gift can make your partner overlook months of feeling awkward in a room together and extend your relationship well beyond its natural expiration, all the way to the point where you’re honestly afraid you might kill each other if you spend one more night under the same roof. Here are 30 gift ideas ranked by how much unnatural longevity they’ll give your doomed coupling!

30. Gift Cards

The most impersonal, transparently for-appearance-only gift of all time. Are you even trying to pretend you still love each other?

29. Something That Isn’t Normally Shaped Like A Heart Shaped Like A Heart

Wow, do you give Christmas-themed Christmas presents too? Why would you gift someone something they’ll only be able to use 12 months from now? That’s no way to buy yourself another 12 months.

28. Makeup

If your partner is female presenting you may think that fancy makeup is a suitable Valentine’s Day gift, because you just don’t think things through do you? Watch them turn this “gift” into a personal attack faster than you can say “I wasn’t implying that you look ugly!”

27. Something Just Expensive, Like a PS5

To certain personalities, this may seem logical, but it’s non-thematic overkill and when it fails, guess whose out a PS5? J.Q. You, that’s who!

26. A Horse-Drawn Carriage Ride

In February? Are you insane? No couple in the history of relationships has a story that goes “Well we were going to break up but then one night we were cold as hell together and that dissolved all of our tensions.”

25. An Activity

Oh sure, why not trigger the growing animosity between the two of you out in public for all the world to see? Come on, you want this thing to end in the privacy of your own home, not in an escape room or at a sip and paint.

24. Flowers

A classic, but really sort of a flash in the pan. They’ll avoid a fight for a day or two but that’s about it. Flowers AND something else, that’s the move.

23. A custom mug

A coffee mug. With their name on it. Great. You’re trying to convince yourself and them that the two of you can build a life together, not congratulating the runner-up in a sales contest. Do better.

22. A Puzzle

You can only ask “Does this look like a match to you? I can’t tell” so many times before your partner starts internalizing the obvious metaphor.

21. Matching PJs/Clothing

It could work, but it could also backfire. It’s a little too on the nose really. It basically says “Hey, debase yourself with me!”

20. A Giant Teddy Bear

Super cute at first, but eventually your partner will see it as impractical and in the way, sort of like your relationship.

19. A Niche Kitchen Appliance

Waffle Irons, pour-over sets, fancy mixers, etc. For the right partner, someone with a true passion for the kitchen, this could work, otherwise avoid it. Giving someone who doesn’t earnestly love cooking a gift that says “I thought maybe you could make us stuff” isn’t a strong selling point for staying in a relationship you both know in your hearts is over.

18. Scented Candles

Nice, neutral, and safe, but where’s the flair? Scented candles are for couples secure enough in their love to not make Hallmark holidays a big production, that ain’t you.

17. Basic Chocolate

Your Russell Stover hearts and the like. A little more shelf life than just flowers, but not by much. By the time they get down to the imitation dark chocolate, it’s over.

16. Ferrero Rocher

Okay, now we’re cooking a bit. Sure it’s just candy, but these things are delicious, and there’s sort of an unwritten rule that you’re not allowed to buy them for yourself. It’s the gold wrapping, too opulent. You maybe bought yourself a month.

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