GLASGOW — An outdoor Belle & Sebastian show abruptly ended in tragedy after a sudden light breeze sent several fans flying hundreds of feet into the sky, witnesses have reported.
“We were on the fence about performing outdoors on account of it already being partly sunny. We barely got halfway through the set when a four KPH gale blew through the grounds and sent the most emaciated of fans flying two towns over, looking like bespectacled party balloons. On top of that, the wind also took my hat,” said frontman Stuart Murdoch. “Thankfully some fans got snagged on the power lines outside of the playing field, otherwise they’d be in the upper stratosphere. I just wish it didn’t happen in the middle of ‘Dear Catastrophe Waitress.’ It only added insult to injury.”
Surviving showgoers were still traumatized by how easily fellow fans were going airborne.
“I thought the rapture had come, given how suddenly people were being plucked off the ground. I’m just glad I happened to have my copy of ‘Ulysses’ on me for an anchor or I would’ve been a goner for sure. In the past, the most precarious situation at a Bell & Sebastian show was the venue running out of chamomile tea,” said Rebecca Wilson. “The EMS team is still looking for my friend. The combination of her oversized tweed jacket and being 97 pounds basically made her a human parachute. I hope they find her soon because if the trauma didn’t kill her, the anemia might.”
Insurance adjusters assessing the damage painted a grim picture regarding anyone receiving restitution.
“We provide nearly every event with optional insurance should a show get canceled or if you can’t attend because of unforeseen circumstances. But we may have to stop coverage for twee shows since they are costing us millions of dollars. The reality is that while the music is fantastic, the fans are comprised of people who majored in English Lit, and they aren’t exactly the heartiest stock. We’ve had consistent claims ranging from mass papercut bleedouts to being trampled by corgis,” said Eventsured agent Jay Sellers. “We’re already on edge about Camera Obscura returning, and now this incident at the B&S show might bankrupt us completely.”
As of press time, the band’s benefit show and vigil for the victims hit a snag after three fans floated away holding their paper lanterns.