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Local Band Starts Patreon in Bizarre Sexual Humiliation Ritual

AKRON, Ohio — Local post-punk band Blaque Tye started a Patreon page last week as part of an esoteric sexual humiliation fetish, in which their utter failure as artists will reportedly be put on display for everyone to see.

“We’re begging total strangers — just pleading, desperately — for help fulfilling our desire to succeed as a band, since we failed miserably to do it ourselves,” said frontman Greg Thune, fidgeting in his chair. “I gotta admit, we were skeptical… but it turns out Patreon is the ideal platform for musicians like us: pathetic little inferior worms, who just couldn’t get the job done.”

The new Patreon caps an escalating series of actions from the band to denigrate themselves publicly for sexual gratification, including a Facebook fan page with only 17 likes, a battle of the bands in which they received no votes, and a “mixtape release show” that drew two attendees — both of whom left after the first song.

“Man, it would be a shame if this Patreon failed to draw any money, and our complete frustration was laid bare in front of everyone we know. Fuck,” said Thune, jumping from his chair and shuffling awkwardly to the restroom. “You’ll have to excuse me.”

Those close to the band have been mostly supportive of the bizarre fetish, but some have voiced private reservations about this latest escalation.

“Look, I try to go along with Greg’s sexual needs, because I think it’s important to keep open communication as a partner,” said Jenn Thune, his wife and dominatrix of five years. “I mean, we’ve tried every sick sexual practice you can think of — whips, bondage, you name it. But starting a Patreon? That’s just too pathetic. I mean, have some dignity.”

At press time, Thune and his bandmates were last seen hungrily refreshing the Patreon page — which, they were excited to learn, had yet to attract a single patron.

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