Beautiful Civil Rights Speech Brings Police to Tear Gas

Posted on November 29, 2020 by Laura McCarthy

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Local police monitoring a peaceful crowd of thousands who had gathered to listen to a civil rights speech at War Memorial Plaza late yesterday morning were brought to tear gas by the speaker’s moving rhetoric, reports indicate.

“The scene was one of racial harmony,” said Pastor Leroy Stephens. “There we all were, joined hand-in-hand as the speaker’s words washed over us, just before a noxious chemical weapon literally did too. Our souls were buoyed, our hearts lifted, and our lungs, throat, and mucous membranes scalded with a fire-like intensity I haven’t felt since the ‘60s in ‘Nam.”

Cellphone footage reveals the police monitoring the event were brought to tear gas shortly after the speaker’s fourth call for a “brotherhood of man.”

“All the shouts of ‘amen’ and ‘love thy neighbor’ finally got to me. The speech was downright eloquent, and the words contagious — I’ve never been more inspired to act,” Ofc. Jonathan Cosgrove recalled about the moment he unloaded several canisters of 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile onto the crowd. “I was happy that I, too, got to help spread a message. You should’ve seen the street medics come together to help that old woman who couldn’t stand up anymore. We ran ‘em outta there in less than 30 seconds. Beautiful.”

The event’s organizer and speaker, Rev. Alicia Powell, is accustomed to her speeches having such an effect on human beings and law enforcement officers alike.

“Words have immeasurable power,” Rev. Powell said in a statement to reporters that she blinked one letter at a time, as her lungs and appendages were too chemically burned for traditional communication. “Words have the power to unite. The power to divide. And, if they peacefully call for racial equality, they have the power to bring thousands of good people together on their knees, choking, gasping, and wheezing for dear life. That’s something hateful words in America can’t do for some reason.”

Rev. Powell hopes to be back to the pulpit soon, but noted she doesn’t want to hit people over the head with her message, adding that she’ll “leave that to the police.”

We Asked 5 Diehard Avenged Sevenfold Fans Their Favorite Album and They Asked How We Got Onto This Air Force Base

Posted on November 29, 2020 by John Danek

Avenged Sevenfold carried the torch for guitar-based metal and hard rock back in the mid-2000s. For 3-5 years, you couldn’t walk into an ROTC office without hearing those dueling guitar leads and throat-shredding vocals. 15 years after their legendary TRL performance, we decided to ask 5 diehard A7X fans what their favorite albums are. After learning how to scale a series of razor-wire fences, we went deep into the heart of Bat Country aka Edwards Air Force Base.

SrA. Eliza Sanchez: What? I never listened to Avenged Sevenfold. I’m more of a reggaeton fan. But I’m pretty sure my little brother liked them for maybe a year. What unit are you in? I’ve never seen you before. Why are your hands punctured?

TSgt. Jared Jacobs: Bro, I fuckin’ LOVE Avenged! I never heard of them until I enlisted but then other guys in my unit basically forced me to listen to them nonstop. Eventually, they seeped into my subconscious and became my favorite band. What rank are you, anyway? You’re dressed like the Wright brothers.

2d LT. Dale Crenshaw: Avenged Sevenfold? Like the bible verse? That was one of ma’s favorites. Wait, who are you? If you snuck in here you are in deep shit, buddy. Stay right here. Hey, stop running!

AMN. William Shott: Look, man- you gotta get me out of here! They tricked me into enlist because I was watching this really good Twitch stream. I didn’t realize it was a military recruiting thing! They offered 50% off a subscription and some sick emotes and now I’m here. My dad was so proud but I can’t cut it. I need a fake passport and I gotta leave the country. You can help me, right? Right???

Chief of Staff of the United States Air Force Charles Q. Brown, Jr.: Sounding the Seventh Trumpet, easily. Waking the Fallen was alright but everything after that is basically Taylor Swift to these old ears. I miss the fury of their metalcore roots. Sure, Synyster Gates can shred a solo but you can’t really mosh to it, ya know?

Cool Boss with Guitar in Office Totally Chill about Rampant Sexual Harassment

Posted on November 29, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

NEWARK, N.J. — Self-proclaimed “cool boss” Ken Hammond, who often plays guitar in his office and regularly drinks with his employees, is being “totally chill” and laid back about the rampant, demeaning sexual harassment in his office, rightfully fed-up sources claimed.

“Ken definitely heard my complaints, I’ll give him that. But he stopped short of doing anything about it for fear of ‘rocking the boat,’ ‘ruffling feathers,’ and other bullshit business metaphors,” said administrative coordinator Margaret Weber. “When I insisted that Ken was contributing to a hostile work environment by doing nothing, he changed the subject by showing me a picture of him shaking hands with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. He then played ‘Love in an Elevator’ on his acoustic guitar until I left.”

Alleged harasser Clint Patterson defended his actions as “normal workplace camaraderie.”

“As the alpha in the office, I can’t help it if females misinterpret my natural machismo as harassment or whatever. Luckily, Ken gets it. That’s why he’s such a great boss: because he’s a total cuck beta that stays out of my way and let’s me do my thang,” said Patterson while licking his lips. “Don’t get me wrong — I understand that these sorts of complaints, no matter how emotional and hysterical they seem, should be taken seriously. But if a female coworker can’t find humor in me asking if they are part of the itty bitty titty committee, then I just feel sorry for them.”

Despite the myriad of complaints, Hammond insisted there is no sexual harassment issue.

“The thing that’s so great about this office is, we’re like family. Sure, we have ups and downs, but at the end of the day, we all get along. That’s what really matters,” said Hammond before strumming out a little blues riff he’d been working on. “I don’t want to micromanage my employees. Besides, me and Clint are going axe throwing Saturday. It’s going to be dope. Hey, you guys like Guns N’ Roses?”

Despite his history of inaction, Hammond did finally discipline Patterson for an email claiming that “casual Friday means no panties,” reminding him that it was “hilarious, but not cool to say out loud.”

Eric Trump Hunts Weakened Donald Jr. for Sport

Posted on November 28, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LA PAMPA, Argentina — Donald Trump Jr.’s recent COVID-19 diagnosis has inspired his brother Eric to hunt him for sport, several sources close to the family have reported.

“This is the ultimate right here,” said Eric Trump, as he applied camouflage paint to his face. “Me and Don Junior always said that if we became as defenseless as one of the exotic creatures we pay large sums of our inherited wealth to slaughter that we would do the only humane thing and take the other one down for the benefit of our little blood boners. We are pretty sure this is what Daddy would want, too.”

Washington insiders have revealed that Don Jr., who revealed he had tested positive for COVID-19 earlier this week was airlifted from his home late last night under the guise of a visit to his father. Instead of the White House, however, the helicopter was destine for an undisclosed jungle somewhere in South America.

“Father has sent for me?” said Donald Trump Jr, misty eyed and short of breath. “Oh I knew this day would come. Maybe he will start acknowledging me more often than his high profile pedophile sex trafficker buddy he keeps wishing well. Gosh, maybe things are turning around for ol’ Donnie Junior. I just can’t lose!”

Employees of the big game hunting compound that was rented by Eric reported that Don Jr. was placed inside of a makeshift living room setup that was constructed inside of an unused office building, complete with food, drinks, and a laptop computer that he believed he was using to make a series of bizarre appearances on various cable news programs.

“It was about as humane as you can do it, honestly,” said one groundskeeper that preferred to remain anonymous. “He was so serene, sitting there babbling about voter fraud and communism, and then Eric snuck in behind him and then slit his throat as he held his dying brother and apologized. It was very moving. Well, it was moving until he cut the head off and started taking pictures with it. That I didn’t much care for.”

As of press time, Eric Trump has tested positive for coronavirus after playing in his dead brother’s blood and using his severed ears to make a necklace.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on November 28, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

Seeing as it’s Thanksgiving Weekend, I just wanted to say that I am thankful to all the commenters and readers we have. If it weren’t for you all, I’d have to just show my favorite nerd tweets to my family, and they’ve made it clear I’m already on strike two. Now please, join me in an awkward prayer before we dig into this bountiful feast of comments.

5. Crowdfunded Bottle Opener ‘Indestructible’ for Some Reason

Have you recently made an extravagant purchase of a specialty item off a crowdfunding site, and are trying your best to justify it? This can be a trying time for you, but it will be easier if you understand the Six Stages of Buyer’s Remorse:

Denial: During this stage, you will talk up the product in every conversation in an attempt to convince others (as well as yourself) that the purchase was worth it.
Anxiety: At this point you will begin to make elaborate plans for projects or events in order to rationalize the purchase.
Bargaining: Unprompted, you will begin to tell friends about how cheap it was considering how useful the product is in a desperate ploy to have them buy it off of you.
Anger: The hardest stage for many, in which they look at the double digits in their bank account and wonder why the hell they bought a “Smart Egg Beater”.
Depression: Depressing because at this point, it will have become socially acceptable in your friend group to make fun of your purchase.
Acceptance: It’s nice if you make it this far, but don’t count on it.

4. Teacher Unsure How to Write Up Student for Hentai Shirt Without Admitting He Knows What Hentai Is

Stunts like this are how teenagers assert dominance, by weaponizing awkwardness. In order to regain control, you will have to strike back. My junior year math teacher told us about hooking up with a local musician and then gaslighting him when he heard the feral cats underneath her floorboards. If she was playing mind games, it worked, because I still think about that every week. What were we talking about?

3. Teacher Unsure How to Write Up Student for Hentai Shirt Without Admitting He Knows What Hentai Is

These are the kinds of scenarios they should be training you for when you are getting your Education Degree. Courses like “How To Gracefully Stop The Kid Jerking Off Through His Pocket” should take an entire semester if we want these teachers battle ready.

2. Shitty Game Console Looking Forward to Retro Status

The Hard Drive comments section doubles as a confessional for gamers, except there’s no forgiveness of your sins. Also, the other person you were playing with can’t appreciate it, but they were saved by Nintendo’s poor support of voice chat.

1. COVID-19 Gears Up for Another Double-XP Weekend

COVID-19 really is a battle royale, because it seems it’s only going to be over when there’s just one person left.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented this week! If you ever feel like a Wii U, just know I appreciate you. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

After 60 Years of Studying, Jane Goodall Declares Broiling Best Way to Cook Chimps

Posted on November 28, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

LONDON — World-famous primatologist Dame Jane Goodall announced today that, after 60 years of studying chimpanzees in their native habitat, she has found that broiling is by far the most satisfying method of cooking and eating chimp flesh.

“It’s been more than half a century, but now I can finally say with near certainty that the most delectable way to serve chimp meat is by marinating it overnight in a Carolina-style barbecue sauce and placing the ape steak under a broiler for five to six minutes,” explained Goodall. “While other methods of cooking — poached, braised, and even chicken-fried chimp — are enjoyable, there’s just no beating the smoky tang of a vinegar-based sauce smothered over the loin of one of our freshly slaughtered evolutionary relatives.”

BBC reporter Julia Hussain was horrified after learning the truth about Goodall during a recent interview.

“My time with Ms. Goodall has left me disillusioned, to say the least. Keep in mind, this is a petite, 86-year-old English woman… and yet, there she was with sauce on her face, the table cloth tucked into her shirt, and a pile of large, obvious primate bones that she had just picked clean on her plate,” said Hussain. “She unbuckled the top button of her pants and allowed me to ask some questions, but she seemed too drowsy from over-eating. She also repeatedly referred to the common chimpanzee as ‘some monkeys.’ When I corrected her, she screamed, ‘Who gives a shit?’ and then belched so loud she rattled the silverware.”

Michelin Star chef Kerry Kennan commented on Goodall’s “bravery” in coming forth with her findings.

“As if I couldn’t respect Jane Goodall any more — for her to have the courage to say what we were all thinking, it’s amazing and mouthwatering,” said Kennan. “I’m hoping her research opens up new opportunities to serve chimp meat in restaurants. But why stop there? Why not eat other endangered animals? Hell, the planet’s only going to be inhabitable for another 50, 60 years tops. What’s the difference? Let’s live a little, man.”

Goodall has since been banned from the historic London Zoo after witnesses spotted her licking her lips while holding a knife and fork outside the primate house.

Galactic Empire Sells Outdated AT-ATs and Speederbikes to Local Police Departments

Posted on November 28, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

CORUSCANT — The reigning Galactic Empire is selling old laser cannons, starfighters, and other weapons and vehicles to small-town police departments on Earth for pennies on the dollar in an effort to “clear their inventory,” sources within the supremacy confirm.

“I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but we have some grand new weapons coming out, so we have all these older models just sitting around,” the Empire’s Grand Moff Tarkin said. “Luckily, we found lots of buyers on a small, blue-green planet in the Milky Way system — there are units of peacekeepers there just chomping at the bit to own AT-ATs and Blaster Rifles. It is like they’ve never even seen a Sonic Imploder before.”

However, not everyone is happy about the fantastic deals American police officers are getting on old, intergalactic war machines.

“What does a rural Wisconsin police department need with a Star Destroyer?” said activist and Viroqua, Wisc. resident Gladys Scott while watching officers unload several Landspeeders bought at auction. “I can’t imagine a scenario where they will have to use a E-Web heavy repeating blaster cannon. Yes, I know what it’s called — I may be an activist, but I’m also a ‘Star Wars’ fan. But that doesn’t mean I support getting pulled over by a pig on a Speeder Bike.”

Galactic Economist Ackdoon Chania, Ph.D. at the University of Bar’leth explained that “this is only about money.”

“It’s simple economics, it has nothing to do with the militarization of this planet’s police force,” Chania said. “The Empire just got new, updated Dropships, and apparently this planet needs them and can get them at cost. It is a win-win. They’ll probably never actually use the gross of Neutron Torches they bought, but, as they say, it is better to have them and not need them. I would rather the law have Commando Pistols than for them to fall into the hands of criminals.”

As of press time, four officers have been killed attempting to park a Dreadnaught.

White House Chef Excited to Change Menu from Corn Dogs and Funyuns

Posted on November 28, 2020 by Cory Cousins

WASHINGTON — White House kitchen staff are reportedly elated by the prospect of cooking “real food” for President-elect Joe Biden instead of preparing the usual corn dogs and Funyuns for the incumbent Donald J. Trump and his family.

“Words cannot describe my relief when Mr. Biden secured the presidency,” said a teary-eyed White House executive chef Rene Archambeau. “We’ve been imprisoned in this culinary dungeon for the past four years, without a vegetable to chop or a fine piece of fish to filet. I never thought a grown man’s taste could be so repugnant and offensive; most nights I just ordered McDonald’s through DoorDash. I’m just glad we won’t have another Easter to deal with — there is no known walk-in fridge large enough to house that many pallets of Peeps.”

“I can’t feel the tips of my fingers anymore because the nerve endings have been singed off from corn dog grease,” lamented White House kitchen sous chef, Alejandro Ortega. “My days are primarily filled with dipping flour-battered hot dog meat into boiling oil vats and opening individual bags of Funyuns and Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos to satiate the incredible appetite the Trump family has for preservative-laden food. The Culinary Institute did not prepare me for such depravity.”

Some, however, worry that Archambeau and his staff may be celebrating prematurely.

“They better not run out of bagel bites and try to sneak in some stupid French fart food while we’re still here!” yelled Trump’s son and human mistake Eric Trump while raiding one of many White House fridges. “Just yesterday, I saw that my dad’s vending machine outside of his office didn’t have any Honey Buns in it anymore — just some ethnic-sounding thing called Gardetto’s. And Sun Chips! What kind of socialist lib-cuck shit is that? Get me Little Debbie on the phone! Hello?! Where did everyone go?”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, in one of his last moves of his lame-duck transition period, President Trump has since barked at Congress today to make fruits and vegetables illegal, threatening an executive order to make tater tots the official U.S. currency if a bill is not passed.

I Didn’t Buy This Band Shirt From Hot Topic Like a Child, I Bought It From Target Like an Adult

Posted on November 28, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Where did I get this totally sweet retro band shirt, you ask? You might think I bought it from Hot Topic like some sort of teenager who’s too busy racking up TikTok followers to have a matured sense of fashion. Don’t be fooled! I purchased it from Target. Like an adult.

You see, on my eighteenth birthday, I decided it was finally time to grow up. So I burned all of my old Hot Topic shirts and repurchased new ones from Target. Of course, I kept the receipts this time around and filed them away for tax purposes in a folder I won’t be able to find later. I know that sounds like super grown-up stuff but, hey, we’re not kids anymore.

Do I miss my youth? Sure. As a 22-year-old I definitely miss being young. Hell, I still remember high school like it was a couple of years ago even though it was actually a few years ago. I’m already nostalgic for those times I would saunter into Hot Topic, vaped out of my mind, and stand in complete awe of their enormous wall of band shirts. But now, as an adult, I’ve learned to temper my enthusiasm and apathetically rummage through clothing racks at a big boy department store to find music-related merch.

In fact, I won’t even step foot inside a mall anymore unless I absolutely need to get something from Spencer’s Gifts. Like last week when I needed a new lava lamp to complement the Jeff Goldblum tapestry pinned up on my bedroom wall. Or when I have to work my part-time job at Cinnabon in the food court. Actually, I guess I still do go to Hot Topic now and then for those exclusive Funko Pop figurines. Other than those times though you won’t catch me dead inside a mall.

Yep. It’s only a matter of time before I’m a full-blown adult who wears New Balance sneakers for comfort, checks out the minute one of my future kids gets excited about anything, and hangs “live, laugh, love” merch in my living room. Adulting!

Oh, I’ve also started pronouncing Target with a French accent. That seems to be what adults do. Targét, anyone?

Legendary Band Almost Broke Enough to Reunite

Posted on November 28, 2020 by John Danek

BALTIMORE — Influential powerviolence band ElevenTimesElevenCrimes announced today that expensive car repairs, alimony payments, and a misguided Playstation 4 purchase has made them collectively broke enough to finally reunite.

“We are humbled by our fanbase and our absolute lack of disposable income,” said frontman Max Ingrahm, whose grindcore record label Ripped Jugular recently shut down. “T-shirt sales have trickled off, and we spent our formative years playing music to dozens of people instead of developing the skills valued by the real world. So it’s either reunite, or work for my dad’s medical equipment sales company. We’ve had serious talks about how a reunion could work in these crazy times, and once one of us figures out what a livestream is, we’ll have big news.”

Fans are torn between excitement for the reunion and disappointment in the transparent cash-grab nature of the announcement.

“I have 11 tattoos of this band, so I wish they would at least try to hide the fact that they’re only in this for the money now,” admitted diehard fan Derek Bosch, who named his firstborn son Ghost after ElevenTimesElevenCrimes’ fan favorite track. “Their lyrics were so intense and sincere, but today they’re reposting Craigslist ads to sell the bassist’s Toyota Rav4. The illusion is crumbling in real time. My advice to people is: don’t get band tattoos. They either die heroes, or live long enough to start playing shows in front of an aged, seated audience.”

Financial advisors admit that musicians in niche genres are increasingly forced to reunite in order to live solvent lives.

“While young people may romanticize sleeping on strangers’ floors and living out of a van, no one actually wants to marry an artist who just scrapes by,” stated Regina Toth, an advisor at Fidelity. “A 25¢ toy ring from a grocery store dispenser is not an acceptable engagement ring. All former musicians should reunite and sell some damn merch. Grindcore, folk-punk, and crunkcore musicians need to do whatever they can to apologize for their past behavior and hit that Zoom festival circuit.”

ElevenTimesElevenCrimes is reportedly now debating which of its 13 drummers to reunite with.

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