NEWARK, N.J. — Self-proclaimed “cool boss” Ken Hammond, who often plays guitar in his office and regularly drinks with his employees, is being “totally chill” and laid back about the rampant, demeaning sexual harassment in his office, rightfully fed-up sources claimed.
“Ken definitely heard my complaints, I’ll give him that. But he stopped short of doing anything about it for fear of ‘rocking the boat,’ ‘ruffling feathers,’ and other bullshit business metaphors,” said administrative coordinator Margaret Weber. “When I insisted that Ken was contributing to a hostile work environment by doing nothing, he changed the subject by showing me a picture of him shaking hands with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. He then played ‘Love in an Elevator’ on his acoustic guitar until I left.”
Alleged harasser Clint Patterson defended his actions as “normal workplace camaraderie.”
“As the alpha in the office, I can’t help it if females misinterpret my natural machismo as harassment or whatever. Luckily, Ken gets it. That’s why he’s such a great boss: because he’s a total cuck beta that stays out of my way and let’s me do my thang,” said Patterson while licking his lips. “Don’t get me wrong — I understand that these sorts of complaints, no matter how emotional and hysterical they seem, should be taken seriously. But if a female coworker can’t find humor in me asking if they are part of the itty bitty titty committee, then I just feel sorry for them.”
Despite the myriad of complaints, Hammond insisted there is no sexual harassment issue.
“The thing that’s so great about this office is, we’re like family. Sure, we have ups and downs, but at the end of the day, we all get along. That’s what really matters,” said Hammond before strumming out a little blues riff he’d been working on. “I don’t want to micromanage my employees. Besides, me and Clint are going axe throwing Saturday. It’s going to be dope. Hey, you guys like Guns N’ Roses?”
Despite his history of inaction, Hammond did finally discipline Patterson for an email claiming that “casual Friday means no panties,” reminding him that it was “hilarious, but not cool to say out loud.”