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Galactic Empire Sells Outdated AT-ATs and Speederbikes to Local Police Departments

CORUSCANT — The reigning Galactic Empire is selling old laser cannons, starfighters, and other weapons and vehicles to small-town police departments on Earth for pennies on the dollar in an effort to “clear their inventory,” sources within the supremacy confirm.

“I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but we have some grand new weapons coming out, so we have all these older models just sitting around,” the Empire’s Grand Moff Tarkin said. “Luckily, we found lots of buyers on a small, blue-green planet in the Milky Way system — there are units of peacekeepers there just chomping at the bit to own AT-ATs and Blaster Rifles. It is like they’ve never even seen a Sonic Imploder before.”

However, not everyone is happy about the fantastic deals American police officers are getting on old, intergalactic war machines.

“What does a rural Wisconsin police department need with a Star Destroyer?” said activist and Viroqua, Wisc. resident Gladys Scott while watching officers unload several Landspeeders bought at auction. “I can’t imagine a scenario where they will have to use a E-Web heavy repeating blaster cannon. Yes, I know what it’s called — I may be an activist, but I’m also a ‘Star Wars’ fan. But that doesn’t mean I support getting pulled over by a pig on a Speeder Bike.”

Galactic Economist Ackdoon Chania, Ph.D. at the University of Bar’leth explained that “this is only about money.”

“It’s simple economics, it has nothing to do with the militarization of this planet’s police force,” Chania said. “The Empire just got new, updated Dropships, and apparently this planet needs them and can get them at cost. It is a win-win. They’ll probably never actually use the gross of Neutron Torches they bought, but, as they say, it is better to have them and not need them. I would rather the law have Commando Pistols than for them to fall into the hands of criminals.”

As of press time, four officers have been killed attempting to park a Dreadnaught.