Why Does the Shirtless College Kid I Pay To Eat Yogurt in Front of My Wife Deserve $15 an Hour?

Posted on February 8, 2021 by Mark Maira

I’m not against people making a living wage in this country, but to make it $15 an hour for a menial job is downright un-American! Eating yogurt shirtless in front of my wife is not a job, it’s a gig, and Mathew better learn that he can take it or leave it!

There’s no “free erotic lunch” in this country. Those charges are going to get passed down to whoever needs a college kid eating a thick dairy product in front of them to feel sexually gratified.

Let’s look at it this way, $15 an hour is equivalent to an annual salary of $31,200. On average a teacher makes $34,500 when they start off. Are you telling me the young man that helps my wife shake with satisfaction by simply eating in her presence is at the same level as the men and women that teach our youth? It’s an unskilled position. Literally, anyone can learn to eat yogurt while purposefully dripping it down their rippling abs for my wife’s perverse pleasure.

If we pay Mathew that much an hour where is the incentive for him to do better? I fear he’ll become complacent in his work and have no initiative to try to reach harder and tougher positions in his field. His 6 pack is already starting to soften and last week he outright refused to eat the yogurt out of a dog bowl even though it was brand new. There is serious room for improvement where my wife’s college sex puppet is concerned and increasing his wage would send the wrong message.

The fact is that Mathew is already compensated for his low wage by the experience he’s getting. He has a customer-facing entry-level position in the sex-work industry, one of the world’s most thriving enterprises. The skills he could be learning seducing my insatiable wife could prove to be invaluable if he only applied himself.

Did I mention that I’m already footing the bill for the yogurt? It has to be the expensive Greek stuff too because if the yogurt is the wrong viscosity my wife says it doesn’t “do it” for her.

Paying Mathew more would have a ripple effect on the rest of the economy. What about the guy I pay to contort his body into a pretzel under a glass table during my football parties? He already earns $15 and he earns it by having a skill. But if he gets wind about Mathew getting the same money for eating a goddamn snack, you can bet your bottom dollar that guy is going to demand more, and where does it end?

Man Sues Hospital After Cutting off 2016 Festival Wristband

Posted on February 8, 2021 by Haylee Maude

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Self-proclaimed “producer” and OSU alum Noah Steele is suing Riverside Methodist Hospital today following the unauthorized removal of a festival wristband that’s been on his wrist since 2016.

“I always knew it would happen someday… just not like this,” Steele said from his hospital bed, of the $75, three-day festival pass. “Do you even know how many festivals I’ve snuck into with that thing? It’s not just about the memories, my dude — I want people to know I’ve actually spent money on shows before. Now all I’ve got is this dumb cast and a three-day Vicodin prescription, and we all know those won’t get you into nearly as many venues these days.”

Witnesses claim that the nurse on duty was first-year resident Marsha Keys, who severed the wristband soon after Steele’s arrival.

“I don’t understand what the problem is,” Keys said between calls. “Usually patients are relieved to find they’re going to be alright, especially after a car crash like that. Instead, Mr. Steele keeps going on about some paper wristband… and between you and me, it doesn’t even sound like he remembers where the thing was from. And please, suing a hospital? The man could barely write his own name. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a code orange to attend to.”

Steele’s long-term girlfriend and collaborator Summer Garcia supports her partner’s decision to pursue financial compensation for his loss and countless minutes of “emotional distress.”

“Cutting Noah out of his shirt and jeans and underwear to save his life is one thing, but that wristband was a very personal effect that could have been saved, and it still had a lot of stickiness in the tape part,” Garcia stated from the food court two floors down. “The other day he woke up from a nap and reached for the wristband, but it wasn’t there, which is beyond heartbreaking to watch. I think settling for $700,000 is literally the least the hospital could do.”

The trial is set to take place two weeks from today at the Franklinton County Municipal Courthouse. Steele is requesting that any prosecutors willing to work in exchange for “a few days supply of Vicodin” contact him as soon as possible.

Mass Effect: Legendary Edition Adds Advisory for Outdated, Offensive Portrayal of Ass

Posted on February 7, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

EDMONTON — Following negative responses to their initial statement, a Bioware press release has revealed their new decision to imprint a disclaimer on Miranda’s butt in Mass Effect: Legendary Edition as a compromise.

“People expressed concerns that we were not holding to the originally intended artistic vision,” said director Mac Walters. “Those have come chiefly through death threats, sure, but we want to listen to feedback from our fans — and it has become apparent that to them that Miranda’s thick ass is an integral part of the beloved Mass Effect story.”

The disclaimer superimposed over Miranda’s posterior will express that it is ‘a culturally outdated depiction of a woman’s butt’ and a ‘product of its time’ in an effort to preserve the multiple cutscenes angled directly up at her ass while emphasizing its sexist and objectifying nature.

“We didn’t plan to put it on her butt, but there wasn’t any room on screen,” Walters said. “However, by putting it into focus, maybe we could reach across to the other side, and have them really consider what they are looking at critically. While they are looking at Miranda’s thick, lucious, vacuum sealed ass, it’s also an opportunity to educate them and possibly change some hearts and minds.”

At press time, gaming activists energized by this decision have founded the ‘Video Game Ass Preservation Task Force’ which will meet weekly in an Arby’s nearby Blizzard headquarters.

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Blade Plumber

Posted on February 7, 2021 by Hard Drive Staff

In the newest episode of The Hard Drive Podcast, Mark and Jeremy write an entire episode of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show from scratch! Mario and the gang heads to the futuristic and rainy city of BLADE PLUMBER. Is Toad secretly a robot? Will Dr. Eldon Reptyrell take over the world? And who is the mysterious Dick Record??

America’s Older Brothers Raise Drinking Age To 16

Posted on February 7, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

WASHINGTON — America’s first-born males made a stunning about-face to decades of tradition yesterday by announcing they will no longer buy alcohol for siblings younger than 16 years of age, sources within the emergency session of elder brothers confirm.

“It is a question of maturity. We’ve found that you little dinks are still too annoying and bratty for us to give you any of our hard-earned beer,” said spokesbrother Timothy Adkins. “We feel that 16 is the proper age for the next time Mom and Dad are out of town and you want to have friends over. I’m only 19 myself, so I’m not going to risk my contact at the liquor store for some child who can’t even appreciate the taste of Natural Light.”

The nation’s little brothers, however, were not happy with the news.

“This is such bullshit,” said 15-year-old Chester Hanson after asking his brother to get him some Mike’s Hard Lemonade. “He got beer from our cousin when he was my age, but all of a sudden I’m too young? I promised Whitney Cross I could get some for her birthday party next week, and if I don’t come through, I might never get to make out with her. I’d just steal some beer from the fridge in the garage, but my old man started counting them.”

Political Science Professor Dr. Heidi Edwards, Ph.D explained that this is more about economics than about younger family members’ wellbeing.

“Back in the 80s, teens would give their younger siblings booze and then make them do goofy dances or impressions of celebrities that would provide hours of entertainment,” Dr. Edwards explained. “But with a higher cost of living and a stagnant minimum wage, older brothers across the country are hoarding their booze and leaving siblings to fend for themselves. We might have a generation of kids who never have that one friend who got so drunk they had to get rushed to the emergency room to have their stomach pumped.”

Earlier today, the Younger Siblings of America tabled a counter offer of cash plus doing the dishes for the next month in the hopes of continuing negotiations.

Opinion: I Just Want Things To Go Back To Normal and Stuff a Chicken and a Duck Inside a Turkey’s Asshole

Posted on February 7, 2021 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

It’s safe to say that COVID changed everything. Life as we used to know it feels like a distant memory and it’s hard not to be nostalgic for the way things were, especially at a time when the entire world gathers to pick a side based on where they grew up and cheer on the utter destruction and degradation of the other. And much like the election, the Super Bowl will look a lot different this year. But personally, all I care about is when I can finally go back to my yearly tradition of stuffing a chicken inside of a duck and then shoving that unholy duck-chicken combo inside a turkey’s asshole.

Just think, last year at this time we were all gathered around the TV drinking beer, while I’m in the kitchen, carving into a deep-fried poultry abomination and performing crude act-outs at guests. Now we’re too scared to go outside without a mask on let alone recreate The Human Centipede but with three different birds. Can we really even call this living? This whole situation is giving me serious “The Road” vibes.

I understand things are serious right now with COVID still raging, but I can’t be the only one who still wants to hang on to some semblance of American normalcy. We’ve already lost movies, concerts, and being shitty to waiters, and now I can’t even use a sport I kind of understand as an excuse to get drunk and assemble a horrifying monster that embodies all the sins of man?! This is not the America I remember. In that America, we could watch two football teams compete (WITH FANS IN THE STANDS) while eating both their mascots in one delicious hy-bird.

It’s time to get back to the way things were when we weren’t living in lockdown and afraid to exert our grotesque dominance over poultry. We need to stand up as God-fearing, bird-hating Americans and say “NO MORE!” No more fear. No more restrictions. And most of all, no more birds that aren’t cooked inside other birds!

If we’re ever going to get back to normal, we’ve got to move forward, not backward. And the only way to do that is to gut a dead chicken, jam that fucker inside a duck’s corpse, then grease it up and slide the whole thing up a turkey’s hollowed-out asshole. It’s time to cook up a hot, juicy batch of freedom, and buddy, I’ll see you in line for seconds.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Breaks Ground on Holocaust Denial Museum

Posted on February 7, 2021 by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — GOP official and QAnon superstar Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she will be breaking ground on a museum dedicated to the denial of the Holocaust, horrified onlookers reported.

“It is high time we speak the truth about what didn’t happen in Europe during the Nazi’s phenomenal ten-year run. It’s simple really — we know the Jews control all media so naturally they’re going to hire millions of crisis actors to tell the world that they’ve been victimized,” said Green, digging alone in an abandoned lot. “We’ve been working closely with 8chan and Parler’s best researchers to bring these exhibits to life. Soon, the world will know that a then 13-year-old George Soros was masterminding the scam of the century.”

QAnon supporters across the country were thrilled with Greene’s initiative to uncover the Jewish conspiracy to make Hitler look bad.

“I’ve never been to a museum that didn’t involve NASCAR, but damn if I’m not gonna make the trip to see this one. I knew something was fishy, like how can the Nazis find time to disappear six million Jews when they were busy revitalizing the economy and killing ANTIFA members?” said Ohio resident, Jessup Brown. “I heard they already got some pro-Holocaust existence museum in Washington but that’s just the command center for that Jewish space laser Ms. Greene warned us about. Don’t believe what those tour guides tell you.”

Despite near-universal support from the GOP, many residents of the District of Columbia were not thrilled with Rep. Greene’s endeavor.

“This is a joke, right? My actual fucking Grandmother spent two years in Auschwitz. I don’t remember her telling me stories about being a paid actor or tattooing serial numbers on her own arm,” said local business owner Nadia Hein. “It’s just crazy to see her dedication to this thing like she’s out there pouring the leveling concrete herself in the middle of February. If she freezes to death I’m sure her supporters will say she was killed by the Jew-controlled weather machine.”

At press time, Rep. Greene was seen submitting a permit to build a second story onto the museum for a children’s exhibit about the non-existence of school shootings.

Why We’re Replacing Review Scores With a Photo of Either an Approving or Disapproving Parent

Posted on February 6, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

As any self-respecting video game review reader knows, reviewing video games is really hard work and nothing hurts more than when someone loads up the article for a new review, scrolls all the way to the bottom, and reads just the score out of ten. Even now, despite this not being a review for a video game, I can sense most readers will see the word “review” in the headline, scroll to the bottom, and find themselves confused to discover there’s no score at the bottom.

To say the least, it’s demoralizing and belittles the work we do to analyze a game for its artistic merit, which is why many websites have been removing scores entirely from their websites and replacing them with a “recommend” or “don’t recommend.”

Here at Hard Drive, we like to take things a little bit further and more seriously than other video game websites. As such, we are also removing scores from our video game reviews, but instead of a simple “thumbs up” or “thumbs down,” we are going to be rating all video games with either an Approving Parent or a Disapproving Parent.

Here are some reasons why we think this will be a superior system over review scores:

They encourage you to make your own assumptions about the game we reviewed, instead of simply taking our score and assuming that’s how good or bad the game is.

Gamers are less likely to write death threats to our writers who gave a GOTY a 7/10, having seen a photo of the mother or father of the person who wrote the review.

People on Reddit can’t say we ripped off Polygon.

It motivates our writers to think more about the work they put into their reviews, like placing a mirror in front of a candy bowl on Halloween so that would-be thefts have to contemplate their own reflections before taking a number of tootsie rolls, because (even if their own parents won’t read their reviews), now a photo of their mother will.

It reminds readers of their youth, like video games themselves, which are tools to bring us back to the days of our species past, when our job was simply to learn how to solve puzzles (which, in turn, makes readers stay on our website for a crucial 15-20 seconds longer, which absolutely rules for our ad numbers).

It’s funny to force our parents — who said we would never get a job one day if we spent our youth playing video games — to now become a part of the job we got from playing video games our whole lives.

We don’t have to pay some freelance artist to make us a “thumbs up” and a “thumbs down” graphic.

So there you have it. We hope you now read to the bottom of our articles, instead of just scrolling there immediately. You know, that is the 5% of you who actually click the link from Twitter in the first place. We give this website 3 more months.

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REPORT: Man Has No Idea How Quickly He’ll Be Dumped After COVID

Posted on February 6, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

DALY CITY, Calif. — Local man Kevin Aguilar is completely unaware that his seemingly happy, long-term relationship will come to a swift and decisive end as soon as COVID-19 is under control, sources within the relationship confirmed.

“Things with Sarah [Duncan] and I have never been better. We’d been pretty casual before corona, but we moved in with each other to save some money and it’s been heaven on Earth,” said Aguilar while browsing for engagement rings. “I know a lot of people around the globe are suffering, but selfishly, this has been a blessing for me — I’ve often had trouble maintaining relationships because I’m told I’m argumentative, stubborn, and that my personal hygiene needs a complete overhaul. But none of that matters to Sarah. She’s a blessing, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.”

Conversely, Duncan is counting down the days until she is vaccinated and society returns to a somewhat normal state.

“I thought I could manage it, but then he started working from home, and he’s worn the same basketball shorts each day and they’re basically see-through now. It looks like he’s wearing mesh wax paper,” said Duncan, while sitting in a nearby park in order to avoid going home. “He refuses to clip his toenails because he made a bet with his friend to see who can grow theirs the longest, and these things shred our bed sheets — once they cut my leg so bad I thought I needed stitches. I’ve been saving money to get a studio apartment, and I can’t wait to look him right in the eyes and say, ‘I fucking hate you so fucking much. Delete my number.’ What a waste of a fucking year.”

Relationship experts across the country say this is a very common occurrence.

“There is a fallacy people fall into where they mistake proximity for intimacy: they believe that living with a person is the ultimate expression of love,” said psychologist Don Higgins. “We expect to see a record number of single people once the country is vaccinated, and the fuck fest the country will enter into will be nothing like we’ve ever seen. Condoms will be hoarded like toilet paper, bed frame durability will be tested like never before, and we will see such a spike in STDs that people will likely be on hold with Planned Parenthood for months.”

At press time, Duncan was seen sending envelopes full of cash to Pfizer, Moderna, and AstraZeneca in hopes the money will help them ramp up production of the vaccinations.

Jesus Helped Me Quit Alcohol and Now It’s Time for Me To Help Him Do the Same

Posted on February 6, 2021 by Stephen Bell

When I was deep in the throes of my alcohol addiction it felt like there was no hope for me. It felt like the whole world rested on my chest and the only thing that could lift the weight was the contents of a bottle. That’s when I found a friend in Jesus who helped me to kick the habit and shed that weight. Now I see that my friend is having some trouble and it’s my time to return the favor.

I knew things were getting bad when I last took communion and the wine transformed into blood, as we all know happens. Except the blood I was drinking actually contained more alcohol than the wine which was just transubstantiated. When I prayed to ask him about it he got all cagey and insisted he didn’t have a problem. He then made some statement about how only God could judge him. I then pointed out that I talked to his Father as well and he shared my concerns.

Honestly, I can’t blame him for taking up the habit. He comes down to Earth and tells everyone that they should love each other and practice pacifism. Instead, they crucify him and then spend the next 2000 years killing in his name. I wonder if there’s some survivor’s guilt because he got resurrected but all of those others didn’t. I can only imagine what those other people are praying for as well. How many people ask to win the lottery despite Jesus saying people shouldn’t love money? I doubt they plan to give it all away.

We tried having an intervention and I even got all of the archangels involved. Of course, when we asked him to sit down he threw a fit. He put the archangel Michael in a headlock, turned Rafael into a goat, and for good measure again rained fire down on the place where Sodom was located. Did you know that Pittsburgh used to be Sodom? Crazy.

Now lots of people like to blame the devil for their problems when they’re struggling. Good Lord Jesus knows that I did. However, I think it’s important we leave Lucifer out of this. He tried to tempt Jesus before and we know he has the ability to say no to the temptations of the devil. This is a problem that Jesus has to be willing to take on without blaming others. Except he doesn’t have to do it alone because I’m here for you Jesus. Let’s beat this together.

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