How This Guitarist Turned His in Between Song Banter Into an Hour Long Podcast

Posted on February 10, 2021 by Aviva Siegel

We need to save our stages, people! More importantly, we need to save our stage banter. With live music practically nonexistent, some musicians have found themselves in search of new places to express their non-rhyming thoughts. While some have turned to social media, we spoke to one guitarist who is revolutionizing the concept of “making surface-level jokes and rambling about nothing” by turning his stage banter into a podcast. Let’s hear what he had to say!

“I’ve been an aspiring touring musician for years. My on-stage banter is so funny that my friends frequently ask me if I’ve tried stand up, which I haven’t, but totally should. Having so much to say yet so little to talk about got me thinking, ‘why limit myself to the 5 minutes in between each song when people can listen to me for a whole hour in an unedited monologue?’ Naturally, this has to be the logical progression for someone like me whose every word is enthralling.”

So inspiring. And talk about having the gift of gab! But how does the podcast differ from the onstage banter?

“Sometimes during a set, I like to let people know when the next song is a new one. I do the same thing with my podcast. I start every episode by explaining that, while they probably prefer the old stuff, this is a new one. Then I tell racist jokes for an hour. With my band, of course. I’d never do that on a podcast.”

What an innovator! In addition to modifying the content, the medium of podcasting causes a need to get creative as well.

“It’s not that big of a change. For instance, instead of thanking my devoted fans, now I thank Dollar Shave Club. Ya know, Dollar Shave Club has everything to make you look, feel, & smell your best. Use promo code “HOWSEVERYBODYDOINGTONIGHT” to get 10% off at checkout.”

Local Band Excited to Get Back to Rigorous Schedule of Performing Once Every Seven Months

Posted on February 10, 2021 by Literally A Koala

SAN FRANCISCO — Members of local punk band Loogie Howser are eager to return to their bustling itinerary of playing nearly three shows a year, sources close to the virtually unbookable band confirm.

“When the pandemic hit, we’d just finished our busiest year of gigs — both of which were house parties,” said the band’s drummer Jeff Seigle. “We can’t wait to hit the stage again and see the phone-lit faces of the people we guilted into coming. I just look back at the four or five photos we have of us playing live and keep thinking, ‘Man, I miss this.’ We haven’t written anything new in the past year, but we’ve practiced 2 ½ times, so we’re ready to give the people a show.”

Those close to the band have found some silver linings to the band’s hiatus.

“It’s been tough on them — I know how much they want to get back out there and cash in on those drink tickets,” said Siegle’s roommate Kelly Vincent. “But on the bright side, I’ve had a lot of time to prepare excuses as to why I can’t come to their show. I have a list ready to go, with things like, ‘I think the vaccine I received is finally showing negative side effects because I keep walking backwards,’ or, ‘My mom’s cat just exploded and I need to clean up the guts.’ Don’t get me wrong, I’ll definitely be going to shows when things get back to normal. Just not theirs.”

Dusty Parker, owner of the local metal bar the Thrash Pit, hopes to resume booking regional bands that are required to sell tickets to play.

“Shitty local bands are the lifeblood of the scene. Before the pandemic I had a good stable of 25-30 acts that would do anything I say for stage time; I had one band steal my ex-girlfriends car and drive it to a chop shop in Oakland in exchange for a 10-minute spot,” said Parker. “I’m just hoping we can return to normal soon so I can get some income generated to keep the lights on. I know I’m not the only promoter hurting — I have one friend up in Sac who had to start dipping into his drug dealing money to keep his club open. It’s a sad state of affairs.

According to a Facebook post, Loogie Howser did book a show last week, but was removed from the socially distant outdoor event after asking to borrow masks from the headlining band.

Roguelike Genre Purist Hopes Someone Will Develop a Roguelike Someday

Posted on February 9, 2021 by Hunter R. Thompson

SPOKANE, Wash. — Gamer and self-proclaimed roguelike genre purist Noreen Ramirez, hot off the heels of her tenth no-hit run of the acclaimed roguelite Hades, has reportedly grown despondent over the fact that no roguelike games have actually been made yet.

“Listen, I don’t care what genre tags are on these games, but non-grid-based movement and a lack of a standard inventory system is clearly in violation of High-Value Factors IV and VII of the Berlin Interpretation,” Ramirez wrote, in the first tweet of a several-hundred tweet thread explaining the history of roguelike design principles. “As someone who truly cares about the future of this genre, I can only sit here, bide my time, and hope a true roguelike will eventually get made. Until then, I wallow.”

Ramirez went on to deride Spelunky 2’s lack of traditional RPG elements, SYNTHETIK’s inclusion of friendly units, and Enter the Gungeon’s multiple playable characters, after apparently having enough free time to play and 100% all three games in one afternoon.

“What’s all this extravagance, anyway?” Ramirez tweeted, along with a screenshot of the particle physics of the acclaimed game Noita. “When you use the term ‘roguelike’ I start expecting authentic ASCII art. But no one cares about true fans like me. There’s probably three or four hundred colors on screen right now, it’s obscene.”

In an inexplicable drive to satisfy fans like Ramirez, several roguelike developers have shifted the direction of their game design to account for the impossibly high bar of genre purity that no game in history has yet cleared.

“The shopkeeper’s interface was probably five months of work, but roguelikes apparently don’t have multiple modes of interacting, so that had to go,” said Kenta Yamada, the sole indie developer of the upcoming roguelike and/or roguelite Atomic Seat on Steam Early Access. “I had to cut the entire volunteer art team loose because they couldn’t hard-code an ASCII grid into Unreal 4. Oh, and she said the tribute to my childhood dog was against design principle, for reasons I still don’t really understand. B-but at least I’ll get the sale, right? And that means I’ll make the first true roguelike, right?”

At press time, Ramirez had published another hundred-tweet thread reasoning that a consistent story and the predictable pre-generated rooms in the second half technically make Rogue a roguelite.

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CD Projekt Red Pleads With Hackers for Three More Weeks to Meet Demands

Posted on February 9, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — Following a data breach that reportedly involved internal documents and sensitive personal information, game developers CD Projekt Red have released a public statement begging the hackers for a three week extension on their original 48-hour deadline.

“We know that earlier today we said we were ready to meet your demands,” said Marcin Iwiński, founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red, “but at this time we are imploring you to give us a three week extension on the demands you have imposed on us. We’re aware it might seem unrealistic when someone says that 21 days can make any difference in such a massive and complex blackmail scheme, but they really do. Also, can you please ignore when we hit you up six hours ago and said we’d be ready to roll?”

While many gamers claimed to not feel bad for the situation CD Projekt Red finds themselves in, with some even worried that their personal information might have been compromised by way of CDPR owning the GoG gaming retail platform, others found themselves sympathetic to the company’s dilemma.

“Oh man, that’s really rough,” said avid gamer William Mooney. “They just can’t catch a break this year, huh? I read that this hacker is threatening to put out some unreleased version of The Witcher 3. That’s fucked up, man. There’s really no telling how much damage an unfinished game getting out in the world could do to Projekt Red’s credibility. I hope they get the three weeks they need.”

As of press time, CD Projekt Red had dispatched Keanu Reeves to meet the hackers and try to woo them.

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California Exodus Gone Too Far? Red Hot Chili Peppers Just Wrote an Album About Texas

Posted on February 9, 2021 by Bobby Korec

California’s reign as the greatest state on Earth is fading fast with podcast hosts and business magnates alike abandoning ship for drier pastures. Apparently, Texas has a really sick up-and-coming tax-dodging scene. Naturally, high-profile rock stars are soon to follow suit. How do we know? The Red Hot Chili Peppers just wrote a fucking album about the Lone Star State.

No one saw this one coming except for a team of managers and record label execs. The Chili Peppers are mostly known for composing mega-hits like “Californication,” “Dani California,” and “California is the Greatest Place in the Whole Wide World and I Am Never Ever Going to Leave It.” However, the band recently changed their tune with the release of their latest album, “Texual Intercourse.”

The new material explores various themes such as a more affordable standard of living, states with no income taxes, and places that aren’t currently on fire. This is highly uncharted territory for a band that has barely evolved their look or sound for decades. Consider this the nail in the coffin for the Golden State.

Anthony Kiedis lyrically touted his admiration for the freedoms Texas has to offer. On the album’s opening track, “Dicks Out for Dallas,” the band seems to speak directly to California governor Gavin Newsom and his recent slew of unpopular regulations, especially the one where residents are no longer allowed to wear nothing but a sock on their dick in public.

The Red Hot CP’s also appear to have jumped music genres entirely. The band’s sound went from a mixture of funk-rock/alt-funk/cultural appropriation to the more straightforward genre of country-funk. Flea also dropped his “Seinfeld” style of slap bass in favor of the more conservative “Dennis Miller” style.

As much as I love them, it’s simply too hard to get used to seeing Anthony Kiedis, Flea, Will Ferrell, and the other guy wear bolo ties with no shirts on. Fortunately, Tupac Shakur’s hologram just released “Idaho Love” so I guess it’s not all bad.

Proposed Trump Presidential Library to Feature Extensive Porno Collection Behind Velvet Curtain

Posted on February 9, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — A proposed presidential library for disgraced former President Trump is expected to feature the world’s largest vintage VHS pornography collection, organizers on the project confirmed.

“We worked closely with the former President to determine what his library should contain. There will be an entire wing dedicated to ‘The Art of the Deal,’ in addition to a room for viewing episodes of ‘The Apprentice,’ and it will all be topped off with his private collection of pornography from the late 80s to late 90s,” said lead developer Gerard Ingram. “The cassettes will be stored in a climate-controlled room protected by a velvet curtain in order to provide the authentic experience of renting pornography from the industry’s best years. I’ve seen this collection in-person, and it is truly magnificent — it has all of your homegrown favorites, as well as some of the weirdest shit Germany and Japan ever produced.”

Die-hard Trump supporters are already preparing to make a trip to Florida on opening day.

“This will be the first library I go into since my local library banned me for stealing a bunch of printer paper,” said Dover, Del. resident Clay Hale. “I’m not big on books, so I was happy to see the plans for the library included a section for back issues of Guns and Ammo and Soldier of Fortune. I also heard that Trump will be donating all the admissions fees to one of the many charities he loves; no other president would do that. I can’t wait to bring my kids there someday to show them the porno section so they can see important history.”

Former President Trump is excited to get the project off the ground.

“Listen, this library will be better than any other library. And believe me, I know libraries. I’ve read every book in the world, twice. Nobody else can say that,” said Trump from his Mar-a-Lago resort. “And this porno, the women in these movies — some of them have breasts the size of beach balls. Huge beach balls, not the small ones that always get shipped from China. Don’t forget that each visitor will have the option of taking a guided tour of the library that shows how the Democrats stole the election from me and that I’m the most persecuted man on the planet.”

The Trump Library board of executives is also planning on creating a gold-lined book that contains every single one of Trump’s tweets in chronological order as a tribute to the 45th President.

The Doctor Told Me I Would Never Walk Again. 5 Years Later, I Slept With His Wife

Posted on February 9, 2021 by Dan Rice

“I’m afraid you will never walk again.” Those words refused to take meaning for me. As Dr. Albert Green leafed through his papers explaining which vertebrae had been fused to what, as if that made a difference, I just kept repeating them to myself, trying to let the message set in. It wouldn’t, and after a while, I decided it didn’t have to. I made a vow to myself then and there that no matter what this quack said to me I would one day make sweet love to his wife.

I knew the odds were against me. Mrs. Green seemed perfectly happy with her husband, I had lost the use of my legs in a motorcycle accident, and we were not remotely each other’s type. But I don’t care how many degrees someone has. No one tells me what I can and can’t do. Not without paying for it.

The insurance wouldn’t cover physical therapy. I burned through my life savings so that twice a week strangers could watch me fail to move my legs. It was humiliating and excruciating but I just kept at it because I knew that my therapist and Dr. Green were close friends. Over time, I got her to spill the beans about all of the holes in the Green’s seemingly perfect relationship and knew exactly which weak points to exploit.

On the nights I wasn’t feigning interest in walking again at therapy I was studying the art of pick-up. Under Sensei Mystery’s tutelage, I gained the confidence I needed to out-score any biped.

I wasn’t about to let the fact that I can’t walk stop me from learning what gym Mrs. Green went to and what the best times to “run into her” were. I didn’t need to walk to compliment her style changes and ask about her day, things her hotshot doctor husband was far too busy to do.

One day I hit a major roadblock. For just a minute, I could feel my legs again. But in the end, when I set my mind to doing something, I don’t let anything stop me, not even a miracle. I knew I needed the sympathy card if I was going to seal the deal with Dr. Green’s wife, so I threw myself down some stairs and stopped going to physical therapy.

Almost five years to the day of my accident, tensions between Dr. Green and his wife came to a head, with a little help from yours truly of course. They had a screaming match, we had lunch, lunch became drinks, drinks became a room at the Ramada Inn. I had done the impossible; ruined the marriage of the man who told me I can’t walk anymore.

I go to schools sometimes to talk to kids about perseverance and I will tell you the same thing I tell them. If someone says you can’t do something, find what they love and destroy it.

Hardcore Frontman Unrecognizable After Not Hitting Gym For Entire Pandemic

Posted on February 9, 2021 by Gary Doyle

CHICAGO — PUSHback frontman Chris Sheppard is now completely unrecognizable to his close friends and peers after not having gone to the gym throughout the entirety of the COVID-19 pandemic, judgemental sources confirmed.

“It seems like forever since we all last saw each other, so we didn’t know how small he’d gotten. It looks like his hair is too big for his head or something,” said Sheppard’s bandmate and guitarist Jesse Hopkins. “When he showed up to that first practice, I thought we’d gotten a new merch guy to push around… which would have been useful since we accidentally left the last one at a roadside bathroom during the last tour and just never went back for him.”

“He’s definitely a lot more nimble, and I’ve never seen him jump so high,” Hopkins added, “but we’re still considering whether he should stay as frontman because no one wants to be told to ‘fuck shit up’ by a dude who looks like a light breeze would knock him over.”

Sheppard’s fans were equally shocked.

“He looked so small, I thought the store had gotten bigger since the last time I was here,” recalled scene member and long-time PUSHback supporter Joel Rivera, who ran into the shrunken frontman at a local grocery store. “He reminded me of a kid trying on his dad’s suit… if the suit was a sleeveless XL Bane T-shirt, and the kid was 6’4 and 32-years-old and covered in shitty tattoos and working in a gas station.”

For his part, Sheppard is accepting and embracing the changes.

“My local gym has been open the entire time, but I couldn’t go since I’m back home living with my mom, who’s at high risk,” explained Sheppard. “I did everything I could think of to try to keep my muscle mass, but my basketball shorts just kept getting looser and looser. Dropping all that mass I’d worked to gain over the years was definitely hard at first, but I can rotate my shoulders again, and I’m saving a ton of money by not eating 6,500 calories a day. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my girl Yoga With Adrienne, I don’t know where I’d be.”

At press time, Sheppard was seen drying his tank tops on high heat for two hours in an effort to shrink them to an appropriate size.

Hades Player Horny for Every Character Might Just Be Horny

Posted on February 8, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A new study released by researchers at St. Joseph’s College has revealed that Hades players who are horny for all of the indie game’s various Gods may just be “regular horny.”

“Is it just me or is everyone in Hades kinda hot?” said player Robin Celestino, one of hundreds of similarly affected players who participated in the groundbreaking study. “I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that I haven’t so much as hugged another human being in a full year, but I would definitely hook up with Zagreus. Or Ares. Or really anyone at this point.”

Celestino was part of a group of 500 Hades players that were studied by researchers as part of the groundbreaking study. Subjects were shown different photos of Hades characters and asked whether or not they experienced sexual feelings for them. The majority of participants answered “yes” to each character, including Dusa, Skelly and Sisyphus’ boulder.

“We actually slipped in some pictures of other characters as a variable,” said lead researcher Dr. Jermaine Holland. “Every three or four images we’d just drop a picture of Halo’s Cortana or the Doomguy and subjects wouldn’t even flinch before saying yes. It’s like they weren’t even registering any of the pictures we showed them. They were just there to confirm that they would like to have sex at all.”

Dr. Holland also noted that the participants had positive reactions whether the pictures being shown were official graphics or fanart portrayals. In some cases, fanart had an even stronger effect. Some participants in an experiment group were exclusively shown DeviantArt uploads of Resident Evil Village’s Lady Dimitrescu, which caused some to pass out immediately.

“I would fuck Sly Cooper,” said test subject Jules Meza, completely unprompted.

Despite being universally horny for just about every video game character shown to them, 100% of participants said they would not have sex with Lesuire Suit Larry. Test subjects agreed that the character was too desperate for sex, which they largely considered a real turn off.

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Desperate Man Settles for Girl in Short Skirt, Appropriately Sized Jacket

Posted on February 8, 2021 by Neel Bhakta

LAS VEGAS — Desperate 40-year-old man Duke Durado miserably settled last week for a girl in a short skirt and appropriately sized jacket after years of saving himself for another, relieved sources confirmed.

“Yeah… Kerry’s alright, I guess, but she’s not really checking all the boxes for me. Sure, she always has on a short skirt, but she only wears this one jacket and it fits her properly. It’s driving me insane — the thing is practically tailor-made!” said Durado. “But it’s not all that bad. When she looks at me, I can feel her eyes lightly singe me… kinda like a dying cigarette abandoned in a puddle.”

Friends of the new couple are concerned, however, that the relationship is based upon unreasonable expectations and will most likely fail.

“I’ve known Duke since the early 2000s, and this guy can’t figure out what the fuck he wants. At one point, he came to me and said he wanted a girl with a machete and a voice that ‘shines like justice’ or some shit,” said exhausted friend Rahim Baker. “I heard that he forces her to stay up late and get up early to fulfill some sick fantasy of his. I feel sorry for her, but Duke keeps insisting that this is a necessary step to reach ‘uninterrupted prosperity.’ He even went behind her back and traded in her car for some shitty Chrysler from the 90s.”

For her part, Duke’s mother Lorelai Durado is happy her son finally found the right girl, even if it took some compromise.

“I’m glad he’s finally settled down, especially at his age. I remember how he spent his more youthful days at Citibank, looking for girls,” said Mrs. Durado. “When our branch closed down, Duke became extremely depressed — I sent him to Wells Fargo to set up a new account and that’s where he found Kerry. And now they’re so happy! It reminds me a lot of my marriage. Sure, I had to change everything about my personality and oddly specific details regarding my appearance to make my husband happy, but look at me now.”

At press time, Durado was overheard insisting that his girlfriend remove the seating and safety features from her vehicle.

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