I Gave My Kid a Bunch of LSD and He Still Can’t Find the Strike Zone

Posted on February 12, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

I’m a simple man. Too simple, arguably. My life is all about family, church, and baseball. Gosh, I love baseball. It’s been my dream to have my son play in the majors ever since my dad told me he was disappointed that I never did. I just know that, through hard work and beratement, my boy will be the best pitcher since Dock Ellis. There’s only one problem: I gave him a quadruple dose of LSD but he still can’t find the goddamn strike zone.

I mean, he’s got a hell of an arm on him! It’s just that his aim is off. His coach said he needs to open both eyes but I say he needs to open his third eye. That should help him visualize the strike zone which will, in turn, help me visualize my dreams of cheering on my professional baseball player son while I spit Skoal into a cup of my father’s ashes.

But none of these dreams will come to fruition if my damn kid can’t unlock the secrets of the cosmos. Or get the ball through the swinging tire thing. Whichever comes first. We tried the tire for an hour but that got boring so I had to spice it up by dropping a little “Field of Dreams” if you catch my drift. If I slipped a tab or four into his Powerade, that’s nobody’s business but me, my boy, God, and the shadow people.

Before you judge me, we already tried steroids. It didn’t take though. My kid may not be afraid of the ball but he’s a real baby about needles.

I just want to be the best dad I can be to give him the best life possible. I only take such drastic measures because I fear we’re running out of training time. Hopefully, he’ll come into his own by the time they get rid of those damn batting tees.

$15 Minimum Wage Brings Punk’s Dream of Four-Hour Workweek Closer

Posted on February 12, 2021 by Issa Diao

HENDERSON, Nev. — Local punk Vince Cannon applauded the proposed raising of the minimum wage to $15 an hour, as it will help him achieve his dream of finally being able to work a four-hour workweek, sources close to the perpetually broke punk confirmed.

“I’ve done the math and found that all I need to live comfortably is $240 a month: I live rent-free in a squat that has electricity most of the time, I get my cigarettes from strangers, and I make my own alcohol in a giant bucket in the bathroom,” said Cannon. “With minimum wage where it is now, I’m busting my ass working nearly eight hours a week — it’s no way to live, and it’s just not sustainable. I have three cats and one meme account to take care of. I can’t be away from home that much.”

Cannon’s gainfully employed friends were hoping the minimum wage increase would have a different result.

“Vince has owed me $40 for the last six years, and I figured he might finally have some disposable income, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. He’s told me he plans on taking more time for himself because ‘capitalism is grinding him down,’” said long-time friend Marvin Reyes. “I mean, I get it — I work 55 hours a week and I can barely keep my head above water. But I guess Vince and I have different priorities. I hope to work my way up and get paid what I deserve, and he’s had a piece of glass stuck in his arm for two years because he’s completely unwilling to go to the hospital. I think the whole system just kind of sucks.”

Punk economists have long argued the benefits of raising the minimum wage.

“There are two schools of thought here: if the minimum wage is raised, then punks will have more money to spend on beer, body modifications, and zine materials, which supports a lot of local businesses,” said punk financial advisor Heath Powers. “Conversely, punk employers would have to incur the cost of paying their workers more — this means that illegal stick-and-poke tattoo studios may not be able to pay anyone to clean the needles, crust punk record labels won’t have the manpower to produce as many albums, and it will wreak havoc on the DIY screen printing industry.”

At press time, Cannon was one step closer to retirement after finding a scratch ticket worth $10 in the WinCo parking lot.

Photo by Bret McCabe.

Mass Effect Devs Compromise With Angry Gamers by Giving Commander Shepard Gigantic, Juicy Balls

Posted on February 11, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

EDMONTON — BioWare has announced a compromise for Mass Effect fans upset about the removal of various butt shots in the Legendary Editions, giving Commander Shepard incredibly large and “juicy” testicles.

“We really felt like we dropped the ball on the whole butt thing and we knew that our fans were angry, but we didn’t want to just give in and make a game that we couldn’t stand by. That’s why we decided to give them the eye candy they wanted, without caving to their butt-based demands,” explained BioWare in a blog post. “We think that, while big bouncy balls often look and feel very butt-like, they represent a new frontier for gaming that few video games have explored. It’s the perfect compromise and we expect no one to be upset about it.”

Although fans have been supportive of the decision, there have been some road bumps in the development of the gigantic balls.

“As a result of the butts controversy taking place late in the development cycle for Mass Effects Legendary, we were unfortunately unable to make these big ole balls optional. They will appear on Commander Shepard no matter what players do to customize their characters, even across genders,” BioWare continued. “That being said, we have found that this has only made fans happier with the new direction. It seems that everyone is pleased with the large ballsack we have given Commander Shepard.”

At press time, BioWare quelled fears about potential crunch culture surrounding the enormous balls, explaining that every developer at the company is “desperate” to work on them and that the company will have to enact a lottery system to make sure everyone has an equal chance to develop the sack.

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Innovative Star Wars Actress Becomes Hated for Something Other Than Being a Woman

Posted on February 11, 2021 by Jimmy Beliakoff

LOS ANGELES — The Mandalorian’s Gina Carano has broken new ground for Star Wars by becoming the first actress in the franchise to be hated for something other than existing while being a woman.

“I was really inspired by the work of those who came before me: Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, Felicity Jones, Kelly Marie Tran, and so many, but actually just a handful, of others,” Carano explained on various podcasts for victims of cancel culture. “So many great actors in this franchise generated fan backlash just for being women and it just didn’t sit right with me. That’s why I decided to be hated for comparing conservative celebrities to Jews in the Holocaust.”

“It feels good to have the Star Wars fanbase hate me for something I actually did, as opposed to just my existence,” Carano continued. “It really feels like I’m taking a step forward for women everywhere, as well as a few simultaneous steps back for social issues in general.”

Despite receiving near universal disgust for her comments on trans people and the treatment of Jews, Carano has also gained some praise for her statements.

“The fact that Gina got fired proves exactly what she was saying in the first place,” said Twitter user @KillTheLeft666. “Conservatives in America are being rounded up, put into concentration camps, and systematically murdered. You know, through being told that their posts online are bad. The persecution of the Jews is almost literally the exact same thing as when all of your coworkers are uncomfortable around you constantly. And I would know, I post about the Jews constantly.”

As of press time. Disney+ had announced a lucrative spin off series for The Mandalorian characters portrayed by Ming-Na Wen, Katee Sackhoff, and Mercedes Varnado.

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Opinion: Whether I’m Right or Not, You Have To Admit I Am Very Mean

Posted on February 11, 2021 by Doug Francisco

Hey dude, how’s it going? Just wanted to say no hard feelings about the other day. That comment thread got pretty heated, aha. You said some stuff, I said some stuff. I think we both made pretty good points. I don’t think we can say one way or the other that I’m right about COVID being a biological attack perpetrated by the New World Order. BUT we can certainly agree that I was very mean the whole time.

Like when I said that the virus started in China because the shadow masters wanted to fuel conflict between the Chinese government and the West, and you said there wasn’t “any evidence of that”, and I said that there’s no evidence that you’ve ever gotten laid and I posted a picture of me flipping you off. I got you good, and you have to give me that.

Or when you said that you didn’t want to get into name-calling and I said that your mom’s been calling out my name every night since quarantine started, and now I’m your dad and you have to start calling me Papa now or else you’re grounded? That was totally uncalled for and totally ruled. No argument there.

And when you said that regardless of whatever weird insults I was throwing out you still thought my ideas were misinformed? And then I told you that your dad was misinformed when he drove drunk and died in a car accident when you were 8? I stand by that, and I hope it made you cry.

I may not have been able to intelligently counter every point you made but I for-sure made you feel bad, which I believe gives credence in its own right. Am I using that word right, credence? You know what nerd, I don’t give a fuck.

Anyway, I hope we can let bygones be bygones, lol. You really said a bunch of smart stuff about how viruses work. Gave me a lot to think about. I’m totally going to stop believing all this stuff about the satanic pedophile cabal that controls the world because you posted a link from the CDC.

PSYCH. Schoolboy bitch.

Trans Woman Desperate for Someone to Just Feel Neutral About Her

Posted on February 11, 2021 by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — Local trans woman Ruby Aldorff posted a picture of herself eating a hotdog on Instagram yesterday, desperate for anyone to not have an opinion about it, sources report.

“It’s not that I don’t want people to comment on my pictures; I could just really use something in between a suburban woman scream-typing ‘yas queen’ and a man calling me the ‘T’ slur,” explained a tired Aldorff. “I would just love for someone to comment on the content of the picture for once, and not what they decide to believe I represent. Like, it was literally just a picture of me eating a hot dog. There’s nothing repulsive or remarkable about that. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely appreciate the positive comments… but when another white woman appropriates AAVE to unsuccessfully signal that she’s down with the queers on a picture of me eating a hot dog, it feels pretty dishonest.”

“Like, at least I know where the ‘T’ slur guy stands,” she added, “and to block him on all platforms.”

Aldorff’s friend’s mom and frequent Instagram commenter Brenda Mills was overcome with emotion by the photo.

“I just love seeing Ruby’s pictures online because, um hello, gorgeous! But it’s also inspiring to see him come into his own as a woman,” stated an absolutely oblivious Mills. “I’m just so proud to know a trans woman. It truly makes me feel like I’m doing something right. It’s really true what they say — if you’re gonna call yourself a liberal, you have to do the work, and I really feel I’ve put in the work by tangentially knowing one trans person.”

Dan Stevens, a man who found Aldorff’s photo under #hotdog, had a different experience.

“She’s not a real woman. No matter how hard she tries, she’s never going to be a real woman,” coughed a sweating Stevens. “Not a single thing about her eating that hotdog was hot to me. I can’t sexually objectify someone who’s a man; that’d make me gay. Instead, I have to secretly objectify her in a way that is closer to fetishization — I’ll put her in a category that is neither male nor female, but also not in a nonbinary way. I will see her as a sexual object as I do with all women, but out of fear of being called gay, I will tell no one and let it transform into a sexually fueled hatred that will eventually get someone killed. Obviously.”

Aldorff will now be reading all comments in a Kermit the Frog voice to take some of the edge off.

Photo by Ramona Apthorp.

5 Endangered Species That Seriously Need To Get Their Shit Together

Posted on February 11, 2021 by Bobby Korec

Have you seen the list of endangered species lately? My god, it’s like a zoo. Some of these animals clearly need to straighten up if they want to live to see how this climate change thing works out for everyone.

Top environmental scientists agree that these knuckleheads need to get with the freakin program! Overlooking the fact that humans are clearly the number one threat to any animal that isn’t incredibly cute, these are the top five endangered species that need to shape up or ship out.

Chimpanzees

Deforestation is a major reason chimps are dying out. If they all go extinct before figuring out how to live without their natural habitats then movies like Ed (1996) starring Joey from Friends and a chimpanzee who plays baseball just won’t make any sense to future generations.

Blue Whales

I’m pretty sure SeaWorld is behind this one. I saw that “Blackfish” documentary and they are just way too into kidnapping whales and fucking up nature for the sake of capitalism. Whales as a whole need to start adapting to the nefarious intentions of corporations just like us humans have had to.

Sea Turtles

Evidently, sea turtles will straight up eat plastic we throw in the ocean and die. These little guys really need to accept that trash and seaweed are not the same thing, so we can go back to drinking from plastic straws and throwing them into the ocean after we’re finished with our Red Bull cans, which will also be tossed directly into the sea.

Bumblebees

Turns out, bees are the reason we have guacamole. Not sure how that works, but I guess they make it in their tiny hives of theirs. Anyway, pesticides are a huge reason bees are dying, so it’s time they figure out a way to breathe in the good air without accidentally inhaling the toxic shit that’s meant to kill other things. Humans do it all the time. Why can’t they?

Black Rhinos

Rhinoceroses as a whole are terrible at not getting poached for their massive horns. Rich people will literally buy a sawed-off rhino spike for a ton of money as a status symbol to show off their incredible wealth to their other horn-bearing friends. That being the case, the best way to save rhinos is to kill all the rich people. Actually, that appears to be the most effective way to save animals in general.

Woman Enters “Favorite Bands Played at Target” Stage of Life

Posted on February 11, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

WARREN, Mich. — Millennial Jamie Thorpe suffered a retail-induced panic attack yesterday after hearing several beloved bands from her youth as background music at a Target department store, according to her medical team.

“I needed to get the hell away from my family for 45 minutes and it turned into the worst decision of my life — I was thumbing through the book section when suddenly I heard Spoon through the store’s speakers. I thought it was fluke, but later I heard Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Fiest, and Tapes ‘n Tapes. This music was the sound of hipster culture 20 years ago; now, it’s the soundtrack to me picking out a paisley duvet cover,” said Thorpe while recovering in her home. “Is this my life now? I mean, my college boyfriend and I used to get stoned and fuck to this music — now I’m humming along to it while picking out school supplies for my kids. It’s just not right.”

Target’s music licensing director Ellice MacLeod explained the store’s music picks were no accident.

“Our key demographic more or less came of age in the late ‘90s and early 2000s, so we basically used the Wayback Machine to browse Pitchfork reviews from 2005 and loaded up the Muzak station with old, indie blog rock,” said MacLeod. “Any songs that remind shoppers of being young, as well as help them momentarily forget about their bodies slowly decaying, is really good for our bottom line. Research shows people suffering existential crises buy very few home goods.”

Although sympathetic, Gen X-er T.J. Rich stated Millennials should “get used to it.”

“It took some time, but I’ve become OK with seeing grunge and alt-rock co-opted by corporate America. Do you think I love hearing Pearl Jam songs in commercials for ED medications? Hell no,” said Rich while touching up the paint job on his boat. “I’m at the point now where I see a kid in a Nirvana shirt and I think to myself, ‘Kurt Cobain probably made the right choice.’”

Her caregivers say Thorpe has now accepted her fate, and is looking forward to entering the “posting ‘they don’t make music like this anymore’ comments on YouTube videos” phase of her life.

Mobile Gamer Discovers 16-Digit Cheat Code

Posted on February 10, 2021 by John Dixon

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local mobile gamer Jeremy Jackson has drastically improved his performance in gacha game Legend of the Bravest Heroes by discovering a very powerful 16-digit cheat code.

“I can’t sit around on my phone all day and rack up experience points, so I kept falling behind all the other players. That’s when I stumbled on this menu screen I’d never seen before,” Jackson said. “Then all I had to do to get some of these sweet rainbow diamonds was punch in a 16-digit cheat code I found on a plastic card in my wallet. Just like Metal Gear Solid’s codec frequency hidden on the back of the jewel case! So innovative!”

One of Jackson’s friends and fellow mobile gamer Jess Greer recalled her reaction upon receiving a flurry of excited messages from Jackson regarding the code.

“I tried to explain to him the card was his credit card, which he’s always had, but he was just so excited that he wouldn’t listen,” Greer said. “I tried to point out to him that premium currency isn’t free and that he’s getting charged for literally every transaction he makes in that app, but he just kept saying that I was jealous of all of his LR characters. So I gave up.”

An executive from the app’s developer, CryoGames, attempted to dispel any notion that the game is at all pay-to-win, backing up Jackson’s assertions.

“Success in our game is not at all predicated on how much money our players spend, but rather on pure skill when it comes to pulling ten random characters with tall odds. The diamond system is there to help level the playing field between players with varying levels of blind luck,” said CryoGames chief financial officer Brad Stewart. “Any resemblance between diamond balances in our app and individual players’ credit card statements is purely coincidental.”

At press time, Jackson was heard praising the new augmented reality aspect to the game as he fought creditors who had come to repossess all of his worldly goods.

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Sapiosexual Man Only Attracted to Women Who Agree With Him

Posted on February 10, 2021 by Rachel Steele

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Self-proclaimed sapiosexual man Chad Manning reportedly finds himself attracted to or aroused by intelligent and well-informed women, but only if their opinions and interests match his own, annoyed sources confirm.

“Nothing turns me on more than an intelligent woman who knows random facts about my own personal interests,” Manning explained. “A woman must prove her intelligence before claiming my heart, soul, and most importantly, my dick. And when I say prove her intelligence, I mean she must agree that fact-checking is a form of censorship, she must pronounce GIF with a soft ‘g,’ and she must idolize Elon Musk as the self-starter billionaire genius that he is. Last year I broke up with a girl because she called me an idiot for voting third party in 2020.”

“If she was paying attention, she’d know it wasn’t a third party — it was a write-in candidate, and it was Rick Sanchez,” he added. “Some women just aren’t intelligent enough to see his genius, and therefore can never get with me.”

Manning’s ex-girlfriend Jenna Hastings confirmed Manning’s sapiosexuality is really just an exhausting lack of communication skills.

“When we dated, I first thought Chad liked me for my mind,” said Hastings. “We enjoyed talking about our favorite artists and authors of philosophy, but it started getting weird when foreplay became more like a round of ‘Jeopardy.’ Actually, it was literally a round of ‘Jeopardy’ — he even bought a suit for it. Then one day he called me crazy and ended the whole relationship when I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong. He insisted that we can never be intellectually compatible because I don’t watch ‘Rick and Morty.’”

Dating expert Rebecca Finch explained that men like Manning are all too common.

“Instead of enjoying another person’s company and having a normal conversation, men like Chad feel it necessary to quiz their dates on trivia and current events,” said Finch. “One of my clients was set up with a sapiosexual man last week: she told me he was weirdly turned on while watching her name every member of Slipknot, but when she revealed she actually preferred Metallica, the man just started sobbing and ended the date. Fortunately for single women out there, many sapiosexual men can be identified by their goatee-ponytail combo, and are easily spotted and avoided.”

Manning was last seen playing a track from Weezer’s “Pinkerton” over a bullhorn, loudly announcing that anyone should “just swipe left now if you don’t think this is the best one, you’re all the same anyway.”

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