Man Convinced He’s Living ‘The Truman Show’ Gonna Masturbate Anyway

Posted on February 13, 2021 by Jake Menez

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Recently divorced movie buff Darren Thorndike has not let his increasingly paranoid suspicion that his life is being secretly recorded and broadcast on television like the plot of The Truman Show stop him from masturbating like he would anyway.

“Darren had been pretty down since his wife left him,” next door neighbor Melissa Perkins explained. “My husband thought loaning him some Jim Carrey movies would cheer him up, but ever since he returned our copy of The Truman Show he’s been very theatrical, as if he thinks there’s cameras on him like in the movie. Honestly, I preferred his Yes Man phase. I guess it’s a good thing we don’t own Bruce Almighty.”

Others on the block confirm that Thorndike has been overheard announcing his thoughts out loud to nobody in particular as he goes about his daily routine. Attempts to sit down with Thorndike were declined under the pretense that “interview segments have been played out since Modern Family ended.”

Despite the feeling that his every waking move was being shown to viewers the world over, Thorndike was recently seen reading an issue of Playboy magazine that he’d crudely attempted to hide behind a Pottery Barn catalog, despite being alone in his house.

“So many choices for ottomans,” he loudly announced to the empty room as he opened the centerfold. He appeared to pause as if expecting a laugh after musing how relaxed the Ottoman Empire must have been before standing up and grabbing a tissue box from a nearby table.

“Oh man, these allergies are killing me,” Thorndike continued in a stage whisper as he made his way down the hall with the tissues and now-uncovered Playboy. “Maybe I should lay down under the covers in case I have a cold coming on or something. And my hands are so dry lately! Where’s that lotion?”

At press time, network executives for The Thorndike Chronicles were so impressed by ratings following the incident, they announced the late night companion program Darren After Dark in hopes of recapturing that moment’s virality.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

Opinion: It’s Fine To Drunk Text Your Ex on Valentine’s Day Because It’s Too Late I Already Did It

Posted on February 13, 2021 by Rebecca Acevedo

It’s fine. I am telling you it’s fine. If it will make you feel better I will already do it first. I mean I haven’t texted my ex yet, but if I did, I sent it ten minutes ago. You’re not wishing your ex a Happy Valentine’s day that would be weird because you’re not dating anymore. You’re just texting “hey lol” because your best friend can tell you not text your ex but no one is going to tell you do it. And sometimes it’s too fucking late and you need to justify actions you’ve already taken.

It’s love day and whether you’re in a relationship or listening to music that’s making you think about stuff there are plenty of ways to celebrate. I’m two Valentine’s day cocktails in and working on 12. The recipe is simple: take a couple of sips of your seltzer, next pour vodka in the mouth part, then selectively remember only the good things about your past relationship, and then pick up my phone. Look it’s already open to a text convo because what’s done is done.

Whawouldhappen if you did text and I texted already? Spiraling emotions of excitement, embarrassment, anxiety, and the thrill of making a mistake. Yes, I am. I love this song turn it up! Wait… I’m gonna throw… no… okay. I’mokay.

I’m single annnnd they are not in a rrrreeeelationship. I know because I muted them on Instagram so I only check their stories enough to not be at the top of the list. I’m superstulfpp, excuse me…
I’m super self controlled. I created this boundary, it wouldn’t exist without me so it’s okay to break it.

Ohmygod we should cut eachothers hair! Okay maybe not it’s kinda dizzy in here…

Remember, texting is communicationing and communicationin… comunication is healthy. It’s Valentine’s day, I would be weird text on a different day. All of the hearts, flowers, and candy reminds me I haven’t had sex in a while.

You can’t change the past…five minutes, because I just asked them “How is everything?” That’s just polite.

Mercury Retrograde says not text your ex but I want attention from someone who is emotionally unavailable today. Tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem. Who else am I going to text, my crush? Texting my crush on Valentine’s Day would be psychotic.

Boyfriend Preps for Valentine’s Day by Building “Die Hard is a Rom Com” Case

Posted on February 13, 2021 by Ted Pillow

ST. LOUIS — Local man Brian Dorney’s Valentine’s Day preparations allegedly revolve exclusively around convincing his girlfriend that 1988 classic action movie “Die Hard” is a romantic comedy, sources already debating whose side they’ll take after the break-up confirmed.

“‘Die Hard’ is such a chick flick,” Dorney said, flipping another chart page with multiple pie graphs. “It has all the classic elements of a rom com: over-the-top romantic gestures, a climactic kiss, and even a goofy best friend played by Carl Winslow. John McClane will do anything to win Holly back. It’s just like ‘The Notebook,’ except instead of writing 365 love letters and building the house of her dreams, this guy walks on broken glass and executes a German terrorist ring. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.”

Despite Dorney’s several arguments, including a PowerPoint presentation titled “Hans Gruber’s Top 3 Meet-Cutes,” girlfriend Nia Hughes is unconvinced.

“If his only plan for the most romantic day of the year is for us to sit on his broken-ass futon and watch some vigilante cop fantasy bullshit from the ‘80s, I’m officially redownloading Bumble,” warned Hughes. “He already tried to make me watch the movie on Christmas, and for some damn reason, Washington’s birthday. Last year I told him I wanted to watch something kinky like ’50 Shades of Gray.’ Well, needless to say, there wasn’t a lot of excitement in the bedroom after our Valentine’s Day ‘Hellraiser’ marathon.”

Relationship experts agree, and warn against any Valentine’s Day plans that involve the “Die Hard” franchise.

“Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is the source of a lot of strife and can even lead to break-ups and divorce,” noted renowned couples therapist Dr. Annette St. Claire. “And, more often than not, Bruce Willis is directly involved. Around this time of year, I always remind my patients that only consenting adults with an agreed-upon safe word should even consider watching a Bruce Willis movie on Valentine’s Day. And no one, under any circumstances, should attempt to watch ‘A Good Day to Die Hard.’ Ever.”

As of press time, Dorney was hard at work strengthening his argument that eating Bagel Bites on a futon “technically qualifies as breakfast in bed.”

Plane Crash Survivors Impressed by Vegan’s Commitment

Posted on February 13, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

UNKNOWN — Survivors of Icelandair Flight 198, which crashed somewhere deep in the Arctic tundra last week, lauded vegan survivor Michael Hagen’s unwillingness to sacrifice his principles, even in the face of certain death.

“Once we ran out of food from the plane, we crafted makeshift hunting and fishing tools, but unfortunately for Michael, there’s not much in the way of edible vegetation here and none of us have any real farming experience. We’ve subsisted mostly on native fish and rabbits we’ve managed to catch,” reported survivor Christine Conway, fishing with a handmade spear. “There’s almost no vegetation here, but he insists that he’s ‘fine’ with the little bit of grass he found under the snow. I keep begging him to make an exception until we’re rescued, and he just keeps telling us that eating meat is the number one cause of heart disease. I respect his conviction, but it’s just a matter of time before he succumbs to starvation.”

Despite pleas from other vegan and vegetarian survivors, who briefly suspended their own beliefs, Hagen dismissed their concerns and questioned their commitment to animal rights.

“Hypocrites, the whole lot of them,” a severely emaciated Hagen said, struggling to summon the strength to speak. “They’re probably just ‘fitness vegans’ anyway and don’t actually care about animals. Sure, the pains and frequent diarrhea are bothersome, but thanks to the hallucinations, I’m usually able to tune those out. In fact, one of the pigs those savages murdered just told me the other day to stay the course, and nature will eventually provide for me.”

While medical and survival experts questioned Hagen’s logic, he did receive praise from animal right’s organizations, including People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA].

“By allowing himself to slowly waste away, Mr. Hagen is admirably helping sustain the native animal population and reduce the ecological damage done by the plane crash,” stated PETA Head, Ingrid Newkirk. “Even in a situation where there is no way to survive by sustaining a vegan lifestyle, it is despicable that the other survivors have chosen to put their own needs ahead of those of our animal brethren. PETA is working to ensure that survivors receive vegan-friendly meals as soon as humanly possible.”

Thankfully, Hagen reportedly found a stash of long-forgotten vegan meal options in a storage compartment, which the other survivors reportedly said they’d rather die than eat.

Opinion: No, I Actually Am Trying To Say I Think Primus Sucks

Posted on February 13, 2021 by Charles Bill

Well, this is frustrating. I’m trying to leave a comment indicating that I think this Primus video sucks, but these idiots replying are taking it as tacit approval of the band. Apparently, fans of this band—where the bassist is the star—use the term “Primus sucks” as a codeword for liking the band. So, no, I am actually trying to say Primus sucks and I am deeply disturbed that an entire fanbase lives in a permanent state of “opposite day.”

How could this have happened? Perhaps it’s because the phrase “Primus sucks” is the only thought one can produce when listening to their music. One could not possibly listen to Les Claypool punch a plank of wood for four minutes and say “Yes, I enjoyed that.” The only human reaction would be to say it sucks. Because it does. But apparently, I can’t say that because people will think I approve of someone noodling on a pretend instrument while mumbling quirky lyrics. Granted, I do approve of that but only if you’ve played a Manic Pixie Dream Girl opposite Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Ugh. Of course the rallying cry for Primus fans is a clumsily veiled ironic statement. I hope you Primus fans are happy playing your twisted little game. It is disgusting. It is violating. It’s entrapment for implicit condoning instead of explicit condemnation.

To combat this, I’m selling shirts that say “Primus sucks, but unironically.” Please buy them to support the message of Primus being terrible, but for real this time. I’d like to see the Primus fanbase find a way to stop me now! The whole world will know that I, like so many others before me whose voices were silenced by irony, think Primus sucks!

Ween sucks too but no one’s debating that.

Aging Punk in Misfits Shirt Afraid of Teenage Punk Wearing Misfits Shirt

Posted on February 13, 2021 by Zac Lux

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Aging punk and generally anxious person in a Misfits T-shirt Hollie Wallace parked super far away from teenagers hanging out at a local strip mall yesterday in an effort to avoid walking anywhere near them, as one of them was wearing the same shirt, bewildered witnesses confirm.

“I know there’s plenty of parking over near the front of the plaza,” the 36-year-old stated. “But there’s no way I’m getting out of this piece-of-garbage ‘91 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme to willingly walk into Big Lots looking for wholesale weaved baskets in front of that crew of kids. They’d rip me to shreds, I’m sure of it. They’re even all wearing sick, torn-up band tees and they’re definitely gonna say something about my shirt. Can I still pull these things off?”

“Fuck, they’re fuckin’ cool,” she added. “How the hell is it possible to look that badass in the suburbs when you can’t even legally drive a car yet?”

Wallace’s friends claim her fears have been growing as far back as a decade ago.

“Once she started turning down free Evan Williams shot luges and homemade pepper pony poppers in the back alley of the Bug Jar, we knew it was the beginning of the end for her,” said Wallace’s longtime friend Gina Garcia. “And she always has a convenient excuse to skip shows: work went overtime, had to take the dog on a walk, a fractured tibia… She’s allegedly had appendicitis twice now. We all know she’s avoiding going out because she’s terrified of some literal child at a show challenging her credibility as a member of the scene she in fact actually helped create.”

Local high school sophomore and “cool teen” Caitlyn Mason was also confused by Wallace’s fears.

“You mean that lady wearing the Misfits shirt?” said Mason. “Yeah, she kind of reminded me of my older sister. She looked cool, so we tried flagging her over to see if she’d buy us some cigarettes and beer. We started yelling and waving to get her attention, but she just kept looking at her phone and eventually ran into the store. She must’ve been to a lot of loud-ass shows in her day, because she’s deaf as shit!”

When reached for further comment at 5 p.m., Wallace was too busy getting ready for bed to reply.

Hayao Miyazaki Hospitalized After Son Announces New 4D Smell-O-Vision Film

Posted on February 12, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — Legendary filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki has been hospitalized as a result of his son Gorō Miyazaki announcing that his next film will be created with CGI and require theaters with access to smell-o-vision technology.

“A film that forces its audience to smell is a dire act against the laws of humanity. As soon as Gorō told me about his new project, a feature film titled The Stinky Fish Girl, I became overwhelmed with dread,” explained Hayao Miyazaki from a hospital bed, who is expected to make a full recovery so long as his son does not announce any new details about his upcoming film. “To know that this film exists, feels like a knife through my stomach… but the fact that it is my own flesh and blood who dares to curse the name of animation by making people smell it… there are no words to accurately describe the pain I feel, and there certainly aren’t any smells.”

The matter became further complicated when many Studio Ghibli fans online confused Gorō Miyazaki for his father Hayao Miyazaki in their discussions of The Stinky Fish Girl.

“I’ve loved everything that Miyazaki has made so far; I’ve thought that they were all incredibly charming and sweet… but this new smelly film sounds really gross. I can’t believe Miyazaki is taking such a hard turn,” said 45-year-old Ohio mother Margaret Jenkins in a comment on Facebook that Hayao Miyazaki reportedly had his staff print out for him to read. “I guess I’ll watch it on an airplane one day or something.”

When reached for comment, Gorō Miyazaki explained that he just wanted to make movies that he wanted to see.

“It’s tough being the son of a great filmmaker and I definitely find myself trying to emulate him in my own films. That’s why I chose to work on The Stinky Fish Girl — which I think is a pretty clear homage to Ponyo,” Gorō Miyazaki said. “But it has also been really cool to advance the form that my father has pushed so far with his own career. It’s like taking the baton and running with animation to make it a little bit cooler. Where my father was able to innovate on setting and theme, I’m able to take what he did and introduce a little bit of awesome and heck-yea. I think ultimately, if he sticks around for the whole movie this time around, he’s gonna really dig it.”

At press time, animators at Studio Ghibli were reportedly terrified to tell Hayao Miyazaki that The Stinky Fish Girl is to be about the idea that “hard work is for suckers” out of fear that they may lose him.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

The Top 10 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on February 12, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

You know what they say about gaming news: if you’re tired of the current controversy, just wait five minutes. Time when you’re a gamer becomes confusing, because it seems like every week when I get to writing this roundup, nerd culture has gone through 100 years of warring and fighting over just about anything. While this is usually a drawback, it all becomes worth it the day that everyone is up in arms about a 3D modeled ass:

If you think Miranda’s ass is burned into your memory, imagine the person who animated her. They must see her ass every time they blink,in their dreams when they sleep, and over their own face in the mirror. The look at their own wife’s ass and all they can see is that same 2010 era render of those glutes. When they die, instead of black, empty void they’ll have an eternity of her plump rump enveloping their whole view. Sidenote, if any Black Mirror writers read this column, please hit me up because I have an idea for an episode called “Not So FantAssTic.”

If you’re playing on Veteran Mode, you also unlock the ability to get a free Applebee’s meal, but all it does is give you a slight health debuff. Plus, you can play on a lower difficulty and do the same thing with a costume and the ‘Stolen Valor’ skill.

The six stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. If Mario collects all the power stars in each one, he gets to leave purgatory!

I have searched Wookiepedia multiple times in order to get this joke, but there is not a single entry for whatever an “Italian” is, just something for some guy named “Watto.”

Whether or not Hard Drive delivers real news can be subjective because at the end of the day, Spider-Dasik isn’t wrong, they just don’t know how right they are. They’ve earned that #facepalm.

From the producers of “Nice Guy” and “Suspiciously Friendly Old Man” comes a new horror film so bloodcurdling that the mere idea of it will keep you up at night… Featuring a monster that could be in your very own community college. If you have any kind of artistic talent, watch out, or you’ll be hunted by… THE IDEAS GUY!

Now this next part used to be a run-killer: how much you need to clean up is all RNG, so you could need anything between a tissue to a full towel. Thankfully, with this skip, you can avoid all that by having sex in a Jacuzzi and strategically placing her in front of a jet.

“Please, stop screaming! It makes her anxious! Oh this is just great, I was going to do some food-oriented obedience training, but now she’s full from whoever that was.”

This is why all of those advertisements about “real ingredients” are a waste. We don’t care about real ingredients, we want every fast food item to be a flavor mystery that’s never explained. I’ll eat anything if it terrifies my friends when I send them pictures of it. People still eat McRibs after attaining the knowledge that it’s partially made from yoga mats, so give us the Orange Goop, Taco Bell. We’ve been ready for a long time.

It’d be easier to bring gamers down to ape level. Just have them play League of Legends.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Everyone who was featured will receive one free cup of Orange Goop, given you sign the liability waivers. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

We Revisit Sleater-Kinney’s Dig Me Out Because My Tinder Match Has an Undercut

Posted on February 12, 2021 by John Danek

No band associated with the riot grrrl movement found more popularity in the mainstream than Sleater-Kinney. And no haircut says “Sleater-Kinney is a Top 3 all-time band for me” more than the undercut, which this girl I matched with on Tinder has.

So let’s look back at their breakthrough 1997 album “Dig Me Out” so I have something to talk about with Leonora on Saturday at our COVID-safe park date.

“Dig Me Out” opens with the absolute banger of the title track. The aggressive guitar tones are a perfect soundtrack to telling the barber to just use #3 clippers around the sides and back.

Leonora’s Tinder bio just says “We are the granddaughters of the witches you couldn’t burn,” so I’m going to guess “The Drama You’ve Been Craving” is her favorite song. Because… come on, of course it is. But also the song is catchy as hell.

Oh, by the way- it’s pronounced “SLAY-ter”, as in A.C. Slater. I searched for interviews where Corin Tucker says the band name so I don’t mispronounce it and sound like an idiot. Glad I did, because I would have said “SLEE-ter” Kinney like a total beta.

It’s impossible to listen to the album and not feel the passion in Janet Weiss’s drumming like in “It’s Enough.” Each hit of the crash cymbal symbolically crashes the patriarchy right in its stupid face. Hell, the album makes me want to buy an “ALL MEN ARE SCUM” mug from Etsy. Wait, should I buy one to take to the park? With 2-day shipping, it will get here before the date. Though maybe Leonora would be more impressed if I got the “PROUD MISANDRIST” mug instead?

What should I wear? I need an outfit that says “I too knew about Sleater-Kinney way before Carrie was on Portlandia, and I also enjoy reading Virginia Woolf for fun” but doesn’t say “I’m a pretentious asshole who thinks they sold out after The Woods and let St. Vincent kick Janet out, thus ruining the band.”

While listening to “Words and Guitar”, I had an idea- what if I brought my acoustic and played this song to Leonora? I might have to tune down a few steps because my voice doesn’t go that high. No, that’s a lame move, right? Right?

Lying Sack of Shit “Horse Girl” Tinder Match Shows Up to Date With 2 Legs

Posted on February 12, 2021 by John Danek

BETHESDA, Md. — “Duplicitous catfisher” and clearly regular homo sapien Colleen Jansen disappointed prospective love match Dominic Sabatino yesterday after proclaiming to be a “horse girl” in her Tinder bio, the centaur fetishist reported.

“This is classic kinkshaming at its worst. I thought that in 2021 we understood that some people are only interested in dating mythical centaurs, but apparently not!” said an infuriated Sabatino after the socially-distanced, double-masked park date. “So I’m sitting in the park, and this otherwise cute girl walks up to my blanket, bale of hay, and brand fucking new salt lick. As soon as she asked, ‘Dom?’ I felt like that stunned meme of Spongebob. I knew I’d been bamboozled. Sometimes I feel there are no limits to the evils of humanity.”

Jansen attempted to apologize for the misunderstanding.

“Well, Dom seemed really sweet on Tinder. He had a mutual affinity for equestrianism, and didn’t try to make some ‘bareback’ pun to me as an opener, so I was down to meet,” explained Jansen, who has ridden horses, worn flannel almost every day, and hasn’t cut her hair since the age of four. “But greeting him in the park, he immediately started muttering about centaurs and angrily shoving his four golden horseshoes back into his bag. I would’ve loved to give them to my favorite horse, Poodles! I just don’t know where it went wrong.”

Dating experts offer lots of reasons why and how dating apps can lead to miscommunication.

“At the end of the day, straight men are still idiots. And in the age of free, unlimited porn, some of them are into some purely fictional fantasy stuff,” explained Daniella Yonkers, dating editor for Cosmopolitan. “But you can’t just tell someone that centaurs aren’t real — that’s like waking up a sleepwalker mid-dream. We can only hope that a person like Dominic comes to the realization on his own, or VR technology accelerates fast enough that he can get his kicks with a headset.”

In an effort to avoid embarrassing situations in the future, Sabatino is allegedly developing a dating app titled OnlyCentaursAndPeopleWhoAreIntoCentaursAndMaybeMinotaurs.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News