Aging Hardcore Kid Afraid if They Crouch Down for Crew Photo They Won’t Be Able to Stand Back Up

BILLERICA, Mass. — Local Brick Fist Boys crew member Sean Webster stood with his arms crossed in a recent photo for fear that he wouldn’t be able to return to an upright position after crouching, intimidating and tattooed sources confirmed.

“I’ve always been one of the smaller guys, so I usually crouch right down in front with Little Tim. But years of moshing have taken a toll on my joints, and once I take a knee, I’m down there for a while,” said Webster, while using a foam roller on his lower back. “I want to try to get some strength back in my knees by riding a bike or something, but if any of the guys saw me riding around like some townie with too many DUIs I’d be laughed out of the crew. So I’m just gonna keep taking my dog’s glucosamine and see if that helps things.”

Long-time crew member Danny “Chubbs” Franklin noticed Webster’s sudden reluctance to take his place in the front of the photo.

“Traditionally, we’ve all assumed the same position in each photo we’ve ever taken together. When someone suddenly goes rogue and takes a new pose and position, it throws off our whole chemistry,” said Franklin. “I get the desire to mix things up — I get a little sick of being the guy wearing the blue Red Sox hat in each photo — but Frankie is the scally cap guy, and I’m not stepping on his toes. Whatever [Webster] is going through, he needs to work that shit out ASAP.”

Lowell General Hospital’s lead rheumatologist Dr. Vivian Wise has treated hundreds of aging hardcore kids for joint pain.

“The people I treat have done some serious damage to their bodies thanks to botched stage dives and countless hours in the pit for their friend’s bands,” said Dr. Wise. “To ensure the best chances of living a pain-free life, I suggest that my patients bring a folding chair to shows so they can give their legs a break, and to ask for assistance when crouching in photos if it absolutely cannot be avoided.”

Webster still holds out hope that the rest of the crew will accept his new position, and is preparing to ask if he can be the one guy giving the camera the finger from now on.

Nintendo: Mario Will No Longer Come Back to Life Starting Next Week

KYOTO, Japan — A Nintendo press release has revealed that after decades of work as video games’ most iconic mascot, Mario will soon be dead forever.

“We have been delighted in sharing the adventures of this smiling, super-powered Italian plumber with you,” the release read. “With this in mind, we must announce that we will end our year-long celebration of Mario with his eternal exit from this mortal realm. Starting next Monday, Mario will no longer come back to life.”

“You will get one Mario. That’s it,” the announcement elaborated. “Once you make a mistake, the game is over. Mario will leave this world at 35, the same age as Christ.”

The initial backlash on social media was swift and negative. Longtime fans bemoaned the situation felt like “losing a family member” and frantically asked what the news would mean “for the Smash community.”

To assuage the angry online crowds, Mario creator and game director Shigeru Miyamoto offered clarifications. Said Miyamoto, “This decision is not a metaphor or some artistic message about the preciousness of life. This is what Mario himself wants.”

“Mario has been eager to die for many years,” explained the legendary game designer. “But he cannot die, because he did something very bad many years ago. I cannot tell you what he did. But I am happy to say Mario has recently repaid his karmic debt and may now pass on.”

“Please play as much as you can this weekend. After that, Mario will rest,” finished Miyamoto.

Nintendo has advised that Mario’s respawning will end at 12:15 a.m. Japan Standard Time. Luigi, dead or alive, will be buried alive with his brother, in accordance with Miyamoto’s wishes.

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Our Recovering Addict Friend Started Wearing a Tuxedo Everywhere and We Can’t Tell if This Means He’s Doing Better or Worse

Sometimes in the punk scene, a friend will take the partying too far and all you can do is be supportive when they get clean. Here’s the problem, our buddy is acting super different, but we can’t tell if this is just him reaching his full sober potential or a direct result of doing tons of cocaine. What I’m trying to say is he has begun inexplicably wearing a tuxedo everywhere.

I first noticed it during a bonfire in the woods. I hear a voice say “hey,” so I turn around and freak out because all I see is 6 feet of tuxedo and I thought it was Slenderman. It’s actually my newly sober friend Justin, who after that initial shock, seemed like he was doing well. I was like “hey man, you doin ok?” He then gets this big grin on his face and goes “oh I’m BETTER than ok. I am LIV-ING-THE-DREAM.”

Now nobody who isn’t on a shit ton of cocaine says things like that, but this guy did supposedly just kick a severe addiction so a little bit of mania is probably normal, right? Perhaps there is a point in sobriety where you feel so good you look indistinguishable from someone tweaked out of your goddamn mind.

A few days later Justin invited me to check out one of his new sober activities, helping out at Habitat for Humanity. Justin was incredible! But like, maybe a little too incredible? Everyone kept saying things like “We can’t keep up with this guy” and “Where does he get the energy?!” and I started to wonder where was he getting the energy? I tried bringing it up to him and all he said was “Helping others just gives me this huge rush you know? GOD, do you smell that sawdust? Makes me feel alive! Makes me HORNY!” Keep in mind, during this entire scenario, the dude was still wearing his tuxedo.

It’s been about 3 weeks and you would think the tuxedo would be worse for wear at this point but it isn’t. I don’t know if he owns multiple tuxedos or he’s just really good at home dry cleaning. What I do know is that according to his roommates, on the rare occasion that he sleeps he sleeps in a tuxedo and when he wakes up he goes straight to the gym, in said tuxedo.

The kicker of it all is that his rock bottom was showing up to his sister’s wedding in ripped jeans and a dirty t-shirt. Maybe this is his way of atoning for that?

I’m probably not going to say anything. Even if he is on drugs again, he’s really helping people and looks fabulous doing it. If he isn’t on drugs, well watching him move that fast makes me feel like I am. At the end of the day he seems happy, productive, and I’m thankful he hasn’t become one of those straight edge assholes who judge me while I do whippets in the middle of Barnes and Noble.

Paul McCartney Wishes People Would Ask Him A Question About Wings Every Once in Awhile

RYE, UNITED KINGDOM — Legendary musician and founding member of the Beatles Paul McCartney admitted today that he wished someone would occasionally ask him about his time playing and performing with Wings, confirmed multiple sources close to the knighted artist.

“I get it that people want to ask questions about the Beatles — we did change the bloody world, after all. But it’s always the same questions: ‘Who really broke up the Beatles?’ ‘Is the original Paul dead?’ ‘Did you actually sleep with Soviet Premier Nikikita Khruschev’s wife?’ I’m sick of it,” said a slightly annoyed McCartney. “Besides, I performed with Wings for just as long as I performed with the Beatles… during which time, we had five number-one albums, 14 top-10 singles, and 11 grammy nominations. Look, if the Beatles were as big as Jesus, then I’d say Wings was basically Muhammad or Buddha by comparison.”

Former Wings and Moody Blues guitarist Denny Laine understands Paul’s frustration, but feels like McCartney needs to let this go.

“Do you know how many people ask me about Wings? Not a single goddamned one. All they ask me about is the Moody Blues… or at least, I imagine they would if anyone recognized me,” said Laine while strolling down a crowded street without a single person giving him a second look. “Seriously, when I tried to get interviewed by Howard Stern, they thought I was senile when I claimed to know Paul McCartney, and they kicked me out of the studio. Meanwhile, everyone knows who you are, Mr. ‘The cute one of the Beatles.’ Count your blessings, man, and be happy you were never reduced to a Vegas act.”

Self-identified Beatles aficionado and superfan Elliot Roper was confused to learn that McCartney made music outside of the Beatles.

“I’m sorry… you said it was called Wings? Like the sitcom from the 90s?” said a confused Roper. “They had how many hits? Look, I’m sorry, I just don’t know what you’re referring to. Live and Let what? Huh. Well, I’m willing to give this Wings a try if it has Paul’s backing, but only after I listen to the ‘White Album’ for the 100th time for secret messages. Call me crazy, but I think John Lennon was talking directly to me.”

Conversely, handlers for Ringo Starr say he is desperate to be asked a question in general, regardless of the topic.

How Changing Their Slogan From “Piss-Shittin Bad” To “Finger Lickin Good” Helped Save KFC

Between 1952 and 1964 KFC went from being a roadside stand to a thriving chain of sit-down restaurants. Today it’s the second-largest fast-food chain in the world but in the 1970s they nearly went bankrupt.

By changing the long-time, objectively true slogan “Piss-shittin bad” KFC altered the way America perceived its product and paved the way for an empire. The Hard Times has tracked down the people who ran the company at that time and assembled a sort of oral history of how the companies current, less volatile slogan “Finger lickin good” came to be.

Anthony Carmichael, KFC President 1967-1982

At first, I was pretty hesitant to changing our slogan at all. The Colonel believed in honesty, and that slogan had honesty in spades. But, as someone pointed out to me, the Colonel believed a lot of things that we as a company had walked away from. The original slogan was “White meat for white elites,” so, I guess change is good.

Roger Hainsman, KFC Sales Director 1969-1978

At the time we figured a warning label would make our product more enticing. It worked wonders for the cigarette industry. We considered frying the chicken in nicotine but everyone in the test market died so we didn’t do that. There’s a reason for the saying “Dead men buy no chicken.”

Daniel Moore, KFC Marketing Chief 1968-1997

The ‘70s brought competition. Popeyes and Bojangles were kicking our ass, and they were doing it without a single allusion to liquid diarrhea. It was time to face the fact that the game had changed.

Bob Heartly, KFC Operations Manager 1962-1976
They brought in some slick Madison Avenue ad man who told us “If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation” I told him I liked what was being said and he goes “Oh, you like poop?” and I was like “Yeah.” That guy was an asshole.

Daniel Moore

I was just sitting at home watching a television program where a character was eating a candy bar and I thought “What if we focused on the part where our chicken goes into the body?” When you really think about it, that’s the part people really seem to enjoy.

Bob Heartly

To this day it’s sort of insane to me that getting people to focus on the part where you eat the chicken ever worked at all. That’s like saying the best part of doing cocaine is the smell. It’s putting the cart before the piss-shit horse in my opinion, I don’t care for it.

Roger Hainsman

After months of brainstorming, workshopping, and focus grouping we finally had our new slogan: “This is good tasting chicken.”

Bob Heartly
They said “we’re going to film a television commercial” and I said, “You can’t show someone having painful diarrhea on television!” They fire back with “No no, we’re just going to show the part where he eats the food.” Apparently, that was fine by the FCC but in my opinion, it leaves very little to the imagination.

Enrique Mascarpone, Commercial Director

During the commercial shoot, our actor’s hand got so greasy that he resorted to licking the grease off of his fingers. I fired him immediately. It was a professional shoot, and he was behaving like an animal.

Daniel Moore
After that actor was rightfully terminated I started thinking it was pretty cool that our food was so tasty it caused a man to lose his sanity and publicly lick his own fingers. Maybe there was something there.

Roger Hainsman

We had to go back to the drawing board, and after 4 more months of brainstorming, workshopping, and focus grouping we finally had our new, new slogan: “This chicken made a man lick himself and he is insane now.”

Anthony Carmichael

We were insanely over budget and only had enough money left for a three-word slogan, hence “finger lickin good.” Lucky for us the average American is smart enough to read between the lines. They read those words and they think “That chicken is so good that it made a man lose his mind and lick himself. He is a bad man who is in jail now and I deserve to eat all of that man’s chicken.” How else do you explain our success?

Axl Rose Removed from Jungle Welcoming Committee

BORNEO — Controversial Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose will be officially removed from the Jungle Welcoming Committee today following multiple complaints regarding his unfavorable behavior.

“The truth is, Axl just hasn’t been pulling his weight for years, and this has been a long time coming,” said Keith Wilson, President of the Los Angeles chapter of the JWC. “When someone first visits the jungle, we like to show them around, introduce them to all our many amenities — the fun, the games, etc. But Mr. Rose spends most of his time just aggressively skipping back and forth and threatening visitors with death. Plus, he never remembers to bring snacks when it’s his turn on the schedule. The one time he did bring snacks, it was just a half-eaten can of BBQ Pringles, and it was wet for some reason. We’ve had it.”

Other committee members agreed, noting that Rose frequently arrives tardy to meetings, sometimes up to four hours late.

“He’ll waltz into a meeting after we’ve been waiting on him for hours, and for some reason he’s pissed at us. By the time he actually gets there, we’ve already worked through most of our agenda,” said Van Yue, Committee Secretary. “Bottom line, he just isn’t respectful of the rest of the members. Last week he got into a feud with the treasurer; before that, he got into one with the program manager… then the volunteer coordinator, then the health and safety officer. He also has a lot of very bad blood with a local troop of spider monkeys. Everyone is absolutely exhausted.”

Aside from issues with committee members, Rose has a history of disturbing visitors of the jungle as well.

“I wouldn’t say he was welcoming, so much as abruptly hostile,” said jungle visitor Alice Cromley, who was confronted by Rose immediately upon entering the jungle. “After accosting me and my husband, he started berating my nine-year-old daughter about how ‘Chinese Democracy’ was ‘actually a really innovative album and completely worth the wait.’ And I never want to hear the word ‘knees’ again as long as I live.”

Compounding his frustration, Rose is also reportedly fighting to keep his spot within his local Civil War reenactment group.

Photo credit: Wikimedia.

Taco Bell Announces Just a Big Plastic Cup of Orange Goop

NEW YORK — A flustered public relations representative from Taco Bell called a televised press conference this morning to discuss recent menu changes, including the surprising addition of literally just a giant cup of orange goop.

“Yeah, we’re calling it the Grab-N-Gulp,” said Nancy Cole, 34, pausing to rub her eyes wearily. “It’s just… it’s a big cup of the orange stuff. You know, the cheesy orange goop sauce we put on everything, in between the actual ingredients. It’s just that, in a cup, with a… with a straw in it. No tortilla. No meat. That’s it.”

This is not the only controversial move that Taco Bell has made lately—the fast food chain recently removed and then re-added potato items to its menu, much to the outcry of fans. This, the representative explained, was why the fast food giant doubled down on the market research that led to the new product.

“We did interviews. We did questionnaires,” said Angus Carslyle, 48, a senior marketing executive. “God, we did a lot of questionnaires, believe me. And people just kept asking for more goop. Frankly, we’re happy to oblige—we axed half our R&D staff last week and switched our production over to more horrible orange bullshit. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”

Cole spoke with a thousand-yard stare at the press conference as she made it clear that this was a decision the company had come to after months of careful research. Ignoring questions from reporters, she continued to speak in a trance-like state.

“We asked the people what they wanted,” she said, droning on in a monotone, her eyes wide with something akin to horror. “We asked America what they wanted from Taco Bell and the people have spoken in one loud, unified voice to say: give us more chemically cultured orange sludge. We don’t know why you want this. We don’t know why anyone would want this. But you keep buying it. God help us.”

With the release of the Grab-N-Gulp and the firing of the entire Quality Assurance department, Taco Bell’s financial analysts were pleased to announce they are looking forward to their most profitable year yet.

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We Remember the Time Tom Delonge Rhymed ‘Think’ With ‘Eat’

We remember it like it was just yesterday plus 20 years. It was the Summer of 2001 and Blink 182 had just released Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. It was a more emotional departure from their previous works. Fun, happy tracks about jerking off a dog were replaced with more somber, wistful tunes about jerking off a grandpa. Oh, and one about fucking a dog in the ass. That one was acoustic. Anyway, by the time they released their second single, “First Date,” that October, nothing would ever be the same again. But because of that and nothing else.

We at The Hard Times look back on the time when Tom Delonge rhymed the word “think” with the word “eat.”

Tom Delonge is no stranger to bending words to make them rhyme. The English language has 42 distinct phonemes but grammar scientists have since added an additional 13 after recently discovering the linguistic enigma on a classic rock station. However, the “think” and “eat” rhyme remains an anomaly.

Let’s look at the line itself:
“I’m too scared of what you think
You make me nervous so I really can’t eat.”

Okay, so, logically this lyric checks out. A recent study by anxious nutritionists even proposed dating as a form of intermittent fasting. But the airtight lyricism of Blink 182 is not on trial here.

How did we become so used to Tom Delonge’s bastardized English that he rhymed two words that didn’t have a single similar sound between them AND NO ONE NOTICED? To put it simply: How did we get to this point and is this Hell?

Honestly, we just wish we could go back to simpler times like when Eminem rhymed “first place” with “birth day.” At least that was before Bush did 9/11.

Capitol Rioter Can’t Believe Nobody’s Noticed He Kidnapped Tiffany Trump

FREDERICK, Md. — 48-year-old insurrectionist Mark Fleming is still struggling to understand how nobody noticed that he kidnapped Tiffany Trump during the chaos that took place in the U.S. Capitol on January 6th, stunned sources not exactly sure what to do at this point confirmed.

“It’s been almost a month, and I haven’t gotten a knock on my door from anyone, whether it be a travelling salesman or an FBI agent. She’s a Trump, for fuck’s sake — I just assumed this would be a national story by now,” said Fleming, a passionate Trump supporter who nonetheless tried to capitalize on the mayhem by kidnapping the former President’s daughter. “I’ve tried sending ransom letters to intelligence agencies, the White House, even the Trump Organization… but the only agent who reached out to me was trying to find a photo of a fish Chuck Schumer caught. Holding someone captive is a lot more work than I thought. I might just have to cut her loose.”

To her credit, Tiffany Trump remains confident that a rescue operation is already underway.

“I’m sure the FBI is just keeping the story under wraps so that the public doesn’t panic, just like they’re doing with the Democrats’ election rigging and cannibalism. Still, it’s a little weird that none of my friends or family have filed a missing person report or anything,” said the youngest Trump daughter. “I managed to sneak on my captor’s computer and send out a few SOS tweets, but nobody even acknowledged them. Maybe I was banned from Twitter, too?”

Meanwhile, the Trump Organization doesn’t appear too concerned that Tiffany is in any danger.

“We haven’t heard anything about a kidnapping, but even if we had, what are we supposed to do about it?” said Eric Trump, Executive Vice President of the Trump Organization and Tiffany’s older brother. “Our financial situation is a bit precarious at the moment. We’re not exactly bursting at the seams with ransom money to throw at every so-called Trump who claims to have been kidnapped during a patriotic attempt to install the correct president. If this were Ivanka we were talking about, that might be different. But Tiffany? Come on, be serious.”

However, former President Trump has offered a $1 million reward to anyone who has information surrounding a box of Dunkaroos that went missing during his move out of the White House.

So Far Biden Has Done Zero To Defend Pop Punk

There’s no denying Biden has many challenges to overcome in order to heal our divided nation. He certainly has his work cut out for him. Between ramping up COVID measures and associating the suburbs with street cred, Biden has already taken some positive steps in my opinion. But don’t invite your hometown friends over for a pizza party just yet. What exactly has Joe Biden done so far to defend pop-punk?

Is Joe Biden already dragging his feet on promises he made on the campaign trail? Well, that’s the story so far anyway. This is a slap in the face to our scene/voting block. How can he do this to so many single-issue voters like me, you, and everyone we know?

Look, We just want to be respected as adults who like songs from the point of view of a high school stalker. Yes, I know we’re already free to do that but we don’t want people to call us out on it. We’re not looking for special treatment. Wait, yes we are. Now give it to us.

Pop-punk in America has been under attack since day one, people! We are a collective victim of a global scene-shaming. Did you know that simply announcing you’re a Knucklepuck fan will still make you a target in the pit at a Biden rally? Trust me, I’ve started tons of pits at Biden rallies. Any rally, really. Yet so far, Man-Joeverboard Biden has personally done nothing to stop me.

I can’t believe we even still have to defend pop-punk. In 2012, I wasn’t as pop-politically active about this issue because I thought someone would have handled it by now. Maybe some sort of pop-punk preserve situation? Hillary would have done it.

Mr. President, take heed to these words. Lest you allow our great nation to fall into the cavernous abyss that is our differences. Let us come together, heal, and protect and—dare I say defend—each other. Thank you and may God bless pop-punk.

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