Mysterious, Stoic Bassist Revealed to be Cardboard Cut Out of The Crow

Posted on February 4, 2021 by John Dixon

DALLAS — Local band Black Hole Generator finally admitted yesterday that their legendarily enigmatic bassist Eric Coughlin was actually just a cardboard cutout of cult hero and fictional character, The Crow.

“At first we did it to save some money… you know, one less person to split a cut with. But at this point we’re tired of loading in a bass and amps for someone who doesn’t exist,” said frontwoman Gabriela Alvarez. “And it’s getting harder to hide that one of our members was stolen from a Blockbuster in 1995. Years of touring haven’t exactly been kind to a glorified paper cutout, and a combination of duct tape and clever lighting can only do so much.”

Fans were shocked to learn that a founding member of the local legends was made of heavy duty paper.

“Black Hole Generator have been part of this town’s scene for years; it’s absolutely insane that none of us noticed one member of this three-member band was a promotional image from ‘The Crow,’” said local bartender and self-proclaimed superfan Bart James. “But now that it’s out in the open, I did always think Eric was sorta stiff and looked pretty familiar. Plus, it was weird how he had this super goth aesthetic, when the rest of the band was in Chucks and old Vans hats.”

Some, like Black Hole Generator’s merch guy Paul Chang, see the revelation as an opportunity.

“I’ve actually been a bassist for years, but I never mentioned it to the band since they were married to this weird cardboard cutout idea… and to be honest, the cutout was kind of weirdly intimidating, so I just laid back,” Chang said, pretending to tune a bass. “Now, after seven long years paying my dues behind the table, I’m finally gonna get my shot up on that stage to show my stuff. I know I have some big shoes to fill, but I think the fact that I’m a three dimensional human being will really show everyone that I mean business.”

Sadly for Chang, however, Black Hole Generator has already hired a cardboard cutout of Matthew Lillard as Stevo Levy from the 1998 film “SLC Punk!” as their new bassist.

Sony Accidentally Vaporizes Demonstrator in Showcase of PS5’s Technical Power

Posted on February 3, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment Jim Ryan accidentally vaporized intern Kris Smythe in a livestream demonstration of the PlayStation 5 this morning, according to horrified witnesses.

“We are incredibly sorry to the Smythe family for electrocuting their son Kris after hooking him up to the console’s incredibly powerful CPU with jumper cables. This is a tragedy that brings a tear to my eye, as if witnessing a scene from the upcoming Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart, available quarter two, 2021,” said Ryan in a press conference following the demonstration. “We will be following up with the Smythe family to make sure they are taken care of, giving them several PlayStation 5s, as well as one free year of PS Plus.”

“No one can replace Kris,” Ryan added. “Not even the PS5 — although, I admit it comes close. Really close. But just not quite there. The PS6 will probably be able to replace him, but we’re just not there yet.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Kris’ mother Marissa Smythe is reportedly suing Sony for workplace safety ignorance as result of her son’s death.

“It’s just completely ridiculous. Kris didn’t need to die… he was a perfectly healthy, beautiful boy. They should have known better. No one could possibly withstand the power of the PlayStation 5. Not even Kris,” Smythe said outside a local courthouse. “I find myself up at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering what I could have done better. What if Kris had worked for Microsoft instead of Sony, like he wanted? I pressured him to take the Sony job… he would still be alive, I know it. The Xbox Series X couldn’t kill anyone at all, oh God!”

At press time, Ryan announced that Sony would be releasing an exclusive PS5 dedicated to Kris and his sacrifice to their company available for a short time to fans who put on notification alerts for Wario64’s Twitter account for a month and get really lucky.

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Man Retires From Proud Boys after Single Hug From Father

Posted on February 3, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Local neo-fascist Greg Pough retired as an active member of the Proud Boys today following a three-second embrace with his father that ended with a pat on the back, stunned sources confirmed.

“I still firmly believe that Western culture is under attack, but when my old man wrapped me in his strong arms and whispered, ‘Bring it in, son,’ I just didn’t have the will to fight anymore,” said Pough, while loading an Ikea bag full of gold-trimmed Fred Perry polos for donation. “The Proud Boys validated me as a man. I loved going down to Portland and making friends with all the cops before pummeling some leftist protester. But, I think I’m ready to go back to harassing people on Facebook — no more fighting in the streets. That’s the power of a father’s love.”

Al Pough, the father responsible for his son’s sudden softening, believes the hug was long overdue.

“Listen, I know I’ve been a hardass, but he’s always been such a meatball. The kid can’t throw a football to save his life, and one time at the batting cages, he cried before he even stepped up to the plate because ‘the balls were too fast,’” said the elder Pough. “I didn’t raise him to be a bigot; I just tried to raise him to be tough. I guess I never realized my approval was something he craved — I mean, this kid rollerbladed well into high school. He really put me in a tough position, but I’m glad we’re in a good place now.”

Researchers who specialize in far-right terrorist organizations found that a father’s love is often the first step in preventing white men from becoming radicalized.

“Our data shows that saying something as simple as, ‘You aren’t so bad’ can reduce the likelihood of their child joining a militia by 30%,” said lead researcher Kira Powell. “If a father said the magic words, ‘I love you,’ then that percentage jumped up to 90%. But oftentimes straight men are so afraid to say those words to a member of the same sex, even if it’s their child, that they will go to extremes to avoid it. Affectionate nicknames like ‘champ’ and ‘buddy,’ however, measured off the chart.”

Proud Boy leadership has reportedly noticed the decline in new members, promising to teach all new members how to shave, high-five, and unclasp a bra with one hand.

Economists Warn Raising Minimum Wage Will Impede Americans’ Ability to Be Born Wealthy

Posted on February 3, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

NEW YORK — Leading economists warned today that raising the minimum wage to $15 will severely impede the ability of elite Americans to be born indefensibly wealthy, despite all evidence to the contrary, foie gras-eating sources confirmed.

“What affects the rich also affects the peasants,” posited financial expert Alfred Schubb. “It’s been called ‘trickle down economics,’ and who doesn’t love rich, savory runoff? The American businessman is like a great hungry beast, and the serfs are like worms that feed off the beast’s scraps. If you give the worms bigger scraps, they might break their little worm teeth… which is devastating, because they can’t afford insurance. Not to mention, if the beast gets less food, what’s to stop it from eating the worms? Don’t make rich people eat poor people more than they already do. I can’t explain it with more compassion than that.”

Indeed, some experts are wary that raising the minimum wage could have devastating effects on the country’s most vulnerable millionaires.

“In America, you work hard, you reap the benefits,” explained Montgomery Fontleroy, heir to the Fontleroy urinal fortune. “That’s what my great-great-grandfather’s slaves did, and look how he turned out. Capitalism is great because you get to choose what you want to do… and I chose not to abandon a family that hoarded Nazi gold. Sure, I’ve never had a job or performed a single physical task, but that’s the point: my family had other people work hard so we wouldn’t have to.”

Still, with Congressional talks at a standstill, no relief for the American worker appears to be in sight.

“It’d be nice to keep all my blood,” ruminated Ivy Smalls, single mother and minimum wage employee at WalMart. “I’ve been selling it to pay for my kid’s clothes. Do you know what it’s like to put socks on layaway? Minimum wage should be $20 by now, but for $15/hour, folk like me could begin to pay for some of what we already need to survive. I’m just glad we elected a Democrat who promises to get this done before the sun turns into a supernova and the Earth goes completely black.”

At press time, Fontleroy’s seventh mansion had burned down due to a burger flipping accident.

Opinion: I Guess My Mom and I Finally See Eye To Eye on Marilyn Manson

Posted on February 3, 2021 by Mike Moran

They say as you grow older, you start to realize you and your folks really aren’t all that different. You hold tightly to certain beliefs as a teenager, but you eventually understand why Mom wouldn’t let you get a beeper, or wear a Slipknot mask to school, or meet up with that sketchy guy you met in a chat room claiming to be Judge Ito. And with the recent news of Marilyn Manson being in fact, evil incarnate, it looks like good ol’ Mom and I have one more thing to bond over.

As a teenager, I hated how my Mom would throw my Manson CDs in the garbage, or forbid me to watch his videos on MTV. Jeez, she wouldn’t even let me tear up a real Bible as Manson did on stage (I had to use the previous year’s Farmer’s Almanac instead). But now that multiple women have come forward to accuse him of being more “Man that you Fear” than “Beautiful People,” I get her reasoning. Not so much because of the cross-dressing, and atheism though. More because of the utterly horrendous domestic abuse allegations.

Sure, our reasons may differ, Mom didn’t see why he needed to “dress in girl’s clothing” or “question the word of the one true savior,” while I’m more turned off by the whole “ruining the lives of much younger women” thing. But the bottom line is, this has brought two generations closer together. In fact, we both now agree that the Eurythmics version of Sweet Dreams is just fine the way it is, thank you very much.

Perhaps after all these years, Mom and I can finally do that mass album smashing the youth pastor at our parish was so intent on. I guess now we can really only delete Marilyn Manson Spotify playlists, and unfollow his Youtube channel, but it could still be a pretty powerful statement. I’ll even burn my old Mechanical Animals t-shirt with the Dippin Dots stains.

Hey, maybe I’ll give that girl Sharon a call, the Christian protester outside of the Manson concert I made my Mom take me to. Mom always thought she seemed like a nice girl, and far better than that Gabriella I met inside, who carved my name into her thigh.

I don’t agree with Mom’s homophobia, evangelical hate speech, and complete lack of empathy for anyone who dares to not conform completely to white Christian, middle-American norms. I’m just opposed to the whole abusing women repeatedly stuff.

Oh, and Mom was also right about Michale Graves, Ellen Degeneres, J.K Rowling, and (weirdly) Jared from Subway.

Man Has Spine Removed To Bend Over Backward Defending Marilyn Manson

Posted on February 3, 2021 by Collin Canning

HUNTINGTON, N.Y — Part-time barista and avid Marilyn Manson fan, Scuff Leeway underwent an invasive spine removal surgery in an effort to reach batshit arguments in defense of the aging shock rocker against recent claims of abuse, exasperated sources report.

“This was an incredible feat of medical science,” said Dr. Jay Dixon-Chiu, who specializes in such rare procedures as total laminectomies. “With the patient’s spine totally removed he should be able to bend over completely backwards to defend a man who has openly bragged about abusing women for years. I feel like the success of this procedure should open the door for even more men to augment their ability to dismiss atrocities carried out by their junior high idols.”

Leeway, who has no health insurance or shame, has gone to extraordinary lengths over the years to defend and emulate Brian Warner, better known by stage name Marilyn Manson.

“I’ve been a Manson fan for years, he’s inspired me to experiment with body modification and gaslighting,” stated Leeway from his hospital bed following the surgery to remove the pesky backbone which had been preventing him from rationalizing away the various claims of abuse against the 90’s icon. “I have always dyed my hair, pierced my flesh and worn corpse paint like Manson. I even gained 35 pounds on a diet of nothing but red wine. Removing a bone, that’s the big one, but it’s tough being a man these days and someone’s gotta stick up for those super rich and famous little guys who have the ability to abuse their power unchallenged for years.”

Leeway’s former coworker and Facebook friend, Trina Banerjee, is not at all surprised to learn of the lengths he went through.

“Anyone with a brain and basic decency would struggle to reach the talking points this idiot insists on shouting out into the internet void if they had any semblance of a backbone, so I guess he did what he had to do,” Banerjee stated. “Hopefully all of his ribs are still intact and he accidentally cracks one reaching for his podcast equipment tomorrow or something. One can hope.”

At press time, Leeway was said to be making a full recovery and according to Dr. Dixon will be “berating women on Twitter again in a matter of days.”

Guy Afraid to Tell Coworkers His Salary Because He’s Paid in Trident Layers Gum

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local accountant Owen Yates is reportedly afraid to reveal his salary to his coworkers because of the fact that he is paid in Trident Layers gum, according to close sources from within the company.

“I know that everyone is sharing their salaries in an effort to make sure that everyone is paid equitably, but fuck, man, I don’t want everyone to be jealous of me once they realize I’m not paid in money, but am paid in Trident Layers gum,” explained Yates in whispers to a co-worker who wished to remain anonymous. “Our system is so fucked up, man. I just wish everyone could be paid in gum. This shit chews you up and spits you right back out.”

Despite Yates having not revealed to many employees his gum-based salary, rumors have circulated around the office.

“Nobody ever pays me in gum,” said senior ad executive Marsha Shah in a viral Medium.com essay about unfair practices at their workplace. “We have a culture in this country where we’re taught to be silent about our salaries, because it encourages people to not ask their bosses for more. When I started at this job, I had an entry level salary of $39,000. That’s barely enough to cover rent and living expenses. So it’s absolutely absurd to discover that other employees who started at the same time as me, in equivalent positions, were paid in Trident Layers gum. My landlord loves gum. It could have been the difference between making and not making rent for me, some months.”

According to a new study by Columbia University, Americans are 75% more likely to be paid in various forms of Trident gums if they were raised in a household where their parents were paid in gum.

“The issue of wage disparity is systemic,” explained researcher Dr. Terrence Drake. “If you live in a household filled with gum, you’re more likely to chew it in high school, have great breath all through class, have teachers like you more, get better grades, be given access to higher tier universities, and be granted the highest paying jobs once you exit into the workforce. Also because you’ll be richer. That’s like, actually, maybe even a bigger deal, now that I think of it.”

At press time, in a desperate effort to conceal his wealth from his co-workers, Yates anxiously chewed up seven months of his pay while sitting in a bathroom stall.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

After all that talk about ‘rising up,’ gamers finally did it. Eschewing hero shooters and fighters, we’re finally playing the ultimate competitive game: the stock market. And despite years of GameStop giving us five dollars maximum for used games, we’ve come to save them in theirWith the news out of the way, let’s focus on what I truly know inside and out: good comments. darkest hour. Of course, hedge funds and investment apps are trying to work together in order to save their hides, but if anyone is better at finding systemic exploits than the wealthy, it’s gamers with nothing but time on their hands. With the news out of the way, let’s focus on what I truly know inside and out: good comments.

If you ever find yourself in this situation, take it from me: drinking all of the alcohol in your inventory will not increase your charisma enough to get through the encounter. If you are going for speed, though, it is the quickest way to get the bad ending.

HEARTWARMING: These Gamers Set Up A Plastic “Hang Out Curtain” So That People Could Safely Watch Sonic Porn With Their Friends This Holiday Season

Christina, your comment is a lot of fun, but it is irresponsible of you to potentially inspire a sequel to Click in which Adam Sandler is a gamer. This is a public call for you to delete this before everyone opens up Netflix to see Sandler doing a Fornite dance and yelling “POGGERS.” I am begging you.

Hard Drive does not endorse attacking the elderly for healing items: you do not want to risk the last of your health and get a hard candy drop instead. The safest strategy is to sneak into the back of the Taco Bell and steal bandages that you can wrap around your arm every time you’re about to succumb.

Yes, it’s real.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

I Can’t Wait to Start Whackin’ Off All Day

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Hello gamers! By now you’ve probably read from a dozen different outlets that I have decided to step down as CEO of Amazon. All of these tweets and articles have mentioned that I am going to be focusing on things like the Amazon Day One 1 and Blue Origin, and while that isn’t necessarily false, what I am revealing here exclusively today is that I am most exciting about finally getting to beat off like four of five times a fucking day, dude.

I’ll address the obvious question first: yes, I totally jerked off a lot while I was CEO. Probably too much, frankly, but it’s not at all what it sounds like. It’s not like I get off on being the richest guy in the world, it’s just that every time I see some headline that says “Jeff Bezos made 70 billion dollars during the pandemic” or something, I think about how I should be doing a lot cooler shit with this unspeakable wealth, and it’s that feeling of shame that would lead me to spend most business days these last few years feverishly fucking my hand while most of my staff figured I was in here taking calls or something. Not the way I want to be jacking it a half dozen times a day, I assure you!

In addition to costing me my marriage, my destructive love affair with myself ultimately caused me to lose focus on the company I started in my garage (guess why haha). Thus, I am appointing a new CEO and transitioning to chairman of the Amazon board, where I’ll sit around cranking it all day for sure, but this will almost certainly be done in a much more innocent, bored sort of way. I’ll pop into the Bezos Earth Fund slack once in a while I guess, but mostly I bet I’m gonna just be checking my bank apps and whacking off for the foreseeable future. I am looking forward to seeing the direction this company takes with us in these new roles, and I am really excited about probably having people pop into my office less often, if you know what I’m saying.

Additionally, I have left my old desk behind in my office, to send a message to incoming CEO Andy Jassy that anybody can do what I did, and that it all starts with sitting down and doing the work. Don’t look under there though, Andy, it’s an awful fuckin’ mess.

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Now That Systemic Racism Is Over, Can I Get Out of Jail for Having Weed 3 Years Ago?

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

In November of 2020, science, love, and decency conquered all that stood in the way of justice, and America got on the right side of history now and forever! A nation united by one common goal toppled the Trump presidency, thus solving, curing, and making amends for about half a millennium’s worth of systemic racism in the United States. Congrats everyone. We did it.

So now that America has cemented its status as the most firmly anti-racist nation in the world, I can get out of jail for this bullshit weed charge, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I had some weed. That much was true. However, I was pulled over and searched without probable cause and that roach has kept me in jail every day since the night of my senior homecoming. Since then, the state that arrested, charged, tried, and incarcerated me has decriminalized possession of marijuana. If I was free, I could buy specialty strains at CVS to cure my hemorrhoids or help me forget the time I was stripped of my freedom, so I have no idea why I’m still in jail. It’s probably safe to assume the executive orders signed on January 26 will cut me and every other person indefinitely detained for a bowl’s worth of trashy mids loose as soon as our COs get done processing the paperwork. Thanks, Joe!

Looking back, my arrest happened during a barbaric chapter in our nation’s history. Can you believe people were still threatening to violently overthrow the government in 2018? That feels so long ago. In Biden’s America, Republican lawmakers are acknowledging and dismantling institutionalized white supremacy. Democrats are refusing to support policies just to placate voters that would lock their car if they saw LeBron James in street clothes or a Celtics jersey. In fact, my buddy Tanner—who was in the car with me and only got probation—told me Whole Foods is selling clones and I am here for it. “Here” meaning prison, of course. For possession of a legal substance.

I can’t wait to get out and experience everything our freshly non-racist nation has to offer. Did you know there are new movies starring Taye Diggs? Seeing representation in media almost makes up for spending the last few years not having access to media.

And they won’t stop here! After the most progressive Oval Office in U.S. history pardons millions of American civilians being unfairly punished for hot-boxing a Jetta, I know they’ll handle the detainees at Guantanamo Bay and the ICE detention facilities with the same compassion and speed.

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