Recently Divorced Man Solemnly Lowers Toilet Seat to Half Mast

Posted on February 2, 2021 by James Knapp

DENVER — Newly single man Chris Fangerburg held a moment of silence for his former relationship today, lowering the toilet seat in his recently rented studio apartment halfway down following the conclusion of his divorce hearing, inconsolably somber sources confirmed.

“She’s gone! Oh God, she’s gone!” cried Fangerburg while attempting to prepare a 21-gun salute using several empty toilet paper rolls and a can of Axe body spray. “She always hated when I left the toilet seat up. This ceremony is to remind myself of all the times that I didn’t take her bathroom experience into consideration, and how it tragically brought an end to our love. What else could her attorney have meant when he cited ‘irreconcilable differences’ in the divorce papers?”

Fangerburg’s ex-wife Kara Jakowski, however, disputed the notion that toilet seat protocol was the main reason for the couple’s separation.

“He thinks the toilet thing is what this is about? That asshole fucked our marriage counselor!” explained Jakowski while burning a cardboard box containing Fangerburg’s remaining shirts and pants. “And that was just the last straw: we only had to go to counseling in the first place because that idiot spent our life savings on a speedboat that he crashed into a lighthouse. And before that, he traded my grandmother’s diamond earrings for an old VW van so he could follow Phish around on tour for nine months. He missed the birth of our daughter because of that.”

Behavioral psychologist Carl Crane explained how underlying issues in a marriage can manifest unintended ways.

“In a relationship, seemingly innocuous actions, such as leaving the toilet seat up or ceaseless, spiteful masturbation, can often be a subconscious expression of deep dissatisfaction. It’s important to reconcile these behaviors with the internal problems causing them in order to form a strong emotional bond with one’s partner,” Crane explained. “Otherwise, you’re gonna run a real big risk of crashing on a twin-size mattress in your buddy’s unfinished attic while you ‘figure things out’ for a bit. I’ve seen it a hundred times.”

Fangerburg was last seen researching “pneumatic toilet seat schematics” while also considering how much it would cost to start his own record label.

Oh Shit! Negativity Not Welcome Here

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

Sometimes a political statement comes along that really forces one to rethink their whole world view. While it’s been centuries since Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the church door, that hasn’t stopped countless individuals from following in his footsteps and nailing their various theses to the church doors of our minds. I had no idea my tiny, insignificant life was caught in the orbit of such a profound mind until I saw my neighbor’s “Negativity Not Welcome Here” sign on their aggressively browning lawn.

Talk about a no bullshit, take-no-prisoners attitude. If I was stupid enough to bring any negativity even close to their house, I’d be kissing my own ass like it was leaving for war. I shudder to think what cruel punishment awaits those who harsh the mellow of Good Vibes Manor.

Imagine being the cursed soul to cast a sideways glance at their next craft beer tasting soiree? Or perhaps a passive-aggressive comment towards a trinket purchased during their seventh annual international vacation? When I think of the world-o-hurt that poor fool is in for I just want to grab my children and hold them as close as I can.

What I’m most impressed by is the bravery. In a world where so many seem to insist on being such pouty-cats about everything, from racism to poverty, finally here are some people willing to say enough is enough. They saw a problem in the world and decided to fix it by erecting this sign, an arduous task that must have taken dozens of seconds.

Imagine a world where everyone had the courage to see injustice, march down to Target, and purchase a carefully curated lawn sign that vaguely summarizes a feeling they may have had. These people are heroes. And I don’t mean heroes the way we throw that term around willy-nilly when talking about firefighters or civil rights leaders. I’m talking about real, honest, salt of the earth gentrifiers. The kind of people that saw low-income housing 20 years ago and said “we will make a paradise of this,” the people who boldly erected Starbucks after Panera Bread after Pier 1 Imports until the work was done.

I don’t think we’ll find a sentiment that better captures resistance to the current zeitgeist. It’s no sermon on the mount because the sermon on the mount sucked shit and was written by a poor person.

Uh Oh: Billy Corgan Just Realized “Minimum Wage” Rhymes with “Rat in a Cage”

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Ted Pillow

CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan finally noticed yesterday that “minimum wage” rhymes with “rat in a cage,” according to horrified sources who have dreaded this moment for years.

“Buckle up, capitalist overlords, ‘cuz I’m coming for ya!” shouted a triumphant Corgan while twirling a massive scarf embroidered with the message, “This Accessory Kills Fascists.” “I always wanted to take a stance on minimum wage, but only if it was really more about me and how I’m such a brooding, tortured genius. Well, it finally dawned on me that I can just update my classic anthem ‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings’ to feature lyrics about how minimum wage workers are treated like rats in a cage. Just like I am, on account of all my rage.”

“Once this hits the airwaves,” he added, “it won’t be long before the guy who cleans my pool starts getting his $5 a day so he can afford soup or whatever the fuck.”

However, workers’ rights advocates were devastated by Corgan’s discovery.

“It was only a matter of time before some Gen X grunge assclown used our movement to make themselves seem relevant and progressive,” noted labor activist Brianna Kendrick. “We were prepared for Courtney Love or Dave Grohl, but Corgan is an absolute catastrophe. I wouldn’t be surprised if this song somehow lowers the minimum wage. This is even worse than when The Offspring tried to end racism by changing the lyrics from ‘Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)’ to ‘Pretty Fly (for a White Ally).’”

For their part, current and former Smashing Pumpkins members alike are also concerned.

“When he sets his mind on something, look out,” admitted drummer Jimmy Chamberlin. “In 2002 we released a double album based entirely on the concept of an alternate universe in which Billy had a full head of hair. Sure, I feel bad for how this might affect workers, but I’ve got my own battles to fight: this morning he told me I’m kicked out of the band unless I legally change my name to Max Imumwage.”

At press time, Corgan was frantically searching a rhyming dictionary in an attempt to change the lyrics “The world is a vampire/set to drain” into something about maternity leave.

Steam Announces Oddly Specific ‘Games You and Molly Used to Play Before You Broke Up’ Sale

Posted on February 1, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Online video game retailer Steam has announced an eerily particular sale, seemingly curated exclusively around games you used to play with Molly Pendergrass, your coworker that you dated for eight months.

“Damn dude, that’s fucked up,” said your buddy Cal, when he heard about the collection. “I know how you’ve gotten really into PC games since the breakup, that must really have been a gut punch to get online and see that. Let me know if you want to borrow my Switch or anything. It’s gonna be okay, man. Don’t play any of those games, okay?”

The eight game collection features games seemingly unconnected to each other, save for the fact that you used to play them with the girl you really thought you might marry before she left because she had to “figure some stuff out.” Steam representatives explained the atypical sale theme earlier today on a call with reporters.

“We’ve been doing different themed sales for years and years and we’re always looking for new ideas,” said Jules Cortez, a spokesperson for Valve. “So we just started combing through different backlogs and user profiles and things like that, and we realized that Molly and her old piece of shit boyfriend actually used to play some pretty fun stuff. So we sorta just ran with it. In hindsight, it was not a very professional decision.”

When reached for comment, Molly has reportedly moved on and isn’t interested in revisiting the past, or the sale.

“Honestly, I really didn’t like playing most of those games,” she said. “I just tried to be a good girlfriend, because he was so excited about playing them, but yeah, not really my thing. There was one where, and I am not making this up, I had a team of worms and I was trying to kill his team of worms. That was the whole thing. And then I kept accidentally blowing my worms up, so he ended up playing both sides. This was a Saturday night!”

The ‘Games You and Molly Used to Play Before You Broke Up Sale’ will continue until Monday, at which point Steam’s annual ‘Games You Have No Interest In But Your Goddamn Friends are All Playing For Some Reason’ will begin.

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Opinion: I’m Waiting ‘Til Marriage To Address the Fact That Something Is Seriously Wrong With My Relationship

Posted on February 1, 2021 by Dan Rice

I’m not a religious person or anything, but in some ways I guess I’m just old fashioned. This may not be a popular opinion and it’s certainly not something I would ever try to push on anyone else but for me, I just don’t think two people should acknowledge the fact that their relationship is irreparably damaged until after marriage.

I want the first time I sit down with a woman, look her in the eyes, and say “Is this really working?” to be with my wife, not some random hookup.

In high school, my guy-friends used to tease me because I was the only one in our circle who hadn’t had sex with a girl, fallen head over heels in love with her, and then gradually let some combination of past trauma and external elements painfully and irreversibly drive us apart. But looking back, I feel sorry for those guys. When they get married and inevitably come to terms with the fact that the relationship is no longer working, it’s just gonna be another walk in the park for them. When my bride-to-be and I finally have the big talk, it’s going to be a big deal.

I think about it all the time. We step into our hotel suite bloated and confused having just spent thousands of dollars to have the worst stage fright and anxiety either of us has ever felt. Then we both look at one another, realize that we are the exact same people we were when we woke up that morning, and think to ourselves “Jesus, all that was for… what… this?!” And with any luck, nine months later, we will divorce.

Don’t get me wrong, my fiance and I are not prudes. We have done some things. We have pleasured each other orally. We have had full-on bareback vaginal intercourse. We’ve invited total strangers into our bed for the thrill of it. I just want the moment we finally face the cold reality of the fact that what we have is toxic and unsustainable to be special.

Sure, sometimes I get tired of waiting. Sometimes at night when I’m scrolling endlessly on my phone and she’s rewatching Friends for the third time in a row, each of us silently terrified that one of us will try to talk to or god forbid touch the other, I feel a nearly uncontrollable urge to grab her and say “Dammit Lauren I want you, right here, right now, to leave.”

Hey, if you think I’m too old fashioned, you should try talking to my fiance. She’s still trying to convince me we should wait until we have kids to admit it’s over.

Dude at Zoom Gig Still Manages to Sexually Harass Single Woman

Posted on February 1, 2021 by Julia Zhen

BALTIMORE — Local Zoom show attendee Bryant Nelson sent fellow showgoer Sage Mykels unwanted messages in the chat of Wood Leg Work’s virtual show last night, finding yet another unique way to sexually harass women within the scene.

“All I wanted to do was have a PBR, smoke cigarettes on my couch, and listen to Wood Leg Work moan 15 ballads… and this dude just kept privately messaging me over the Zoom chat,” Mykels explained. “He wrote, ‘Hey that’s a really cool Grizzly Bear poster in ur room. Wanna see my dick? Ur totally hot holy shit,’ and when I didn’t respond, he hit me up again — this time saying his roommate sent the text, and now asking for ‘real time pics’ and to come over so he could show me his Grizzly Bear vinyl collection. I don’t think he realized he sent a few of the messages to everyone, and also don’t think he would care if he knew.”

Nelson’s screen at the time of the far-from-isolated incident revealed him sitting next to his mattress on the floor, along with roughly 27 empty water bottles and a skateboard missing its trucks.

“Umm, yeah, I messaged her. Are there any laws against a dude trying to shoot his shot?” Nelson stated. “Look, all I said to her was that I liked the poster in her room and I thought she was cute and totally my type, and that we should get together… before I sent a couple dick pics and pitched a few possible fun scenarios involving her and my dick. It’s a fucking compliment.”

Developmental psychologist and noted “Dude at the Gig” expert Dr. Alyssa Wang shared some insight.

“This is a known occurrence is common at in-person shows, where approximately five in four men will make unwanted advances toward women that result in some form of sexual harassment,” Dr. Wang explained, “but given the transition to virtual gigs, our latest data confirms that men are pretty much still unhinged when it comes to making women uncomfortable in every scenario possible. We’ve witnessed their seamless transition to creeping in virtual spaces like Zoom weddings, online lectures, and after 12-step meetings”

Nelson also instinctively berated the only other woman at the Zoom show after mistaking her for the bartender.

Porn Parody ‘Girls Done Quick’ Not Particularly Popular

Posted on January 31, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Girls Done Quick, a new livestreamed porn parody of the hit video game convention Games Done Quick in which pornstars “speedrun” having sex with their partners, has bombed with its prospective audience of horny gamers.

“As with most of our parodies, we thought of the title first and just rolled with it. Turns out, that was a pretty big mistake — people are not looking for porn in which we have the quickest orgasms possible,” explained Minecraft-based speedrunning pornstar, Cream. “Even though market research shows that there’s a huge crossover between video game speedrun fans and jerking off fans, you can’t combine em! “

“Overwatch? You’re good to go. Fortnite? You bet people will jerk off to that. League of Legends? Some of the most popular porn on the entire internet,” he added. “Cum on Tits Any% WR – 0:00:02… not particularly liked! Lesson learned.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the speedrunning premise was not the only issue with the event.

“Today I learned! Porn doesn’t need commentators!” said Super Mario Odyssey-based speedrunning pornstar BigAssAnt. “I definitely think it weirded people out to have someone commentating over the fucking, explaining the specific strats that the pornstars were using in order to orgasm as quickly as possible. We thought for sure that people would be interested. The general public doesn’t know things like step-sister-skip, which lets you bypass the need for background information intimacy, and glitch immediately into fu— oh shit, I’m doing it again. Sorry. What we learned was that pretty much every second of the event was, uh, ‘a good time to go through some donations.’”

At press time, fans became furious after discovering that the money they begrudgingly donated to the event was not even sent to Doctors Without Borders, like Games Done Quick, but was instead sent to the porn event’s parent company, Doctors With Boners: Sex Doctors.

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Business Owner Agrees to Pay Employees $15 An Hour if They Agree to Let Him Hunt Them Once A Year

Posted on January 31, 2021 by Kevin Tit

BILOXI, Miss. — Local fast food chain CEO Shannon Smith reluctantly agreed to pay his employees $15 an hour last week, on the condition that he can transport them to a private compound and hunt them as prey once a year, startled sources confirm.

“I think it’s a good deal, and I don’t understand the pushback,” Smith complained. “Despite what people might say, I’m actually a really nice guy. These ingrates don’t even consider the fact that I have to sacrifice buying a new boat big enough to house my smaller boat for their ludicrous pay raise. I don’t think having my staff gather at my house of torture once a year to be hunted for sport is any more unreasonable than them asking me to double their hourly rate so they can make ‘a living wage’ or whatever.”

While Smith is adamant that his proposition is fair, not a single member of his staff is thrilled about the deal.

“We’re requesting more money so we can live without the crippling stress of falling behind on bills,” said shift supervisor Stacy Martin. “Now this psycho is arguing that a 72-hour long Hunger Games-type of ‘team building’ exercise with his staff in the swamps of Biloxi would not only ensure there’s more money to go around, but it would also bring us closer together as a company? I hate this whole thing, but the price of my daughter’s insulin isn’t making it easy to say no. Plus, I feel like I might be able to outrun him, since he’s gotta be close to 200 years old.”

With the recent push in Congress to increase the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour, labor unions across the country have been helping to organize employees against deals similar to this.

“For far too long, employers have directly exploited their employees,” says UFWC 400 union representative Atticus Fidel. “We’re seeing a rise in cases where business owners are offering these heinous deals to their staff in exchange for wages they already deserve. Some even report uncovering the heads of minimum wage employees mounted on the walls of vacation homes, and mock ‘Fear Factor’ challenges in exchange for sick days.”

At press time, Smith was consulting with contractors on an estimate for “Indiana Jones-Style Booby Traps” and tranquilizer darts.

Biden Worried Netflix Won’t Know Where to Mail His DVDs Now

Posted on January 31, 2021 by Ted Pillow

WASHINGTON — Newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden is extremely concerned that “The Netflix” won’t know to send his rental DVDs to his new address at the White House, frustrated sources within the administration confirmed.

“I tried logging on to their internet page to make sure they don’t send those tapes to my place in Delaware, but it just kept showing episodes of ‘House of Cards’ season three. I haven’t even watched season two yet,” explained a beleaguered Biden while checking his mailbox for the sixth time that day. “I don’t want TV shows on my computer, buddy — I want them on my television, where they belong. What’s next, reading the news on my phone? Give me a break, man.”

White House staff attempted to calm Biden, explaining that they could easily procure any movie, TV show, or documentary the president desires, but to no avail.

“Even after four years of working for Trump, this has been the worst week of my life,” confided White House IT technician Gavin Roberts. “I knew I was in trouble when he told me his Netflix password was ‘Joebidenspassword.’ But his obsession with getting his ‘videos’ in the mail really takes the cake. I tried to explain streaming to him, but he wouldn’t calm down until I lied and said we sent ‘Mr. Netflix’ a special letter about it. It was like reassuring a six-year-old who just moved that Santa will still bring presents.”

Netflix revealed that they have spent considerable resources trying to soothe President Biden’s irrational concerns.

“As we have informed President Biden, literally everyone in the country is aware of his address change, and he will receive the DVDs in his queue,” noted Netflix customer service manager Vanessa Nguyen. “Unfortunately, it’s pretty obvious that we’re now in for at least another four years of nightly calls from Biden asking questions like if we’re going to charge him because he forgot to rewind that ‘Barbarella’ DVD. Well, at least he can give us a hand by looking around the West Wing for some of the ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ DVDs Trump neglected to return.”

As of press time, a fed-up Biden decided he’d just borrow the “House of Cards” DVDs directly from his close personal friend, Kevin Spacey.

You’re a Phoebe Bridgers Fan? Name Three Antidepressants You’ve Been Prescribed

Posted on January 31, 2021 by Janelle Becraft

Sick Phoebe Bridgers tat ya got there. Is that her whole face covering your entire torso? Cool, cool. You must be a real fan then, huh? A real “Bridgers Burner” like me? Mhm. I bet. Well if you’re such a big fan then I guess you’ll have no problem naming three antidepressants you’ve been prescribed.

Well of course you’re gonna say “Lexapro, Zoloft, and Prozac.” Those are like the most popular ones! You couldn’t even name a deep cut like Celexa or an old classic people forgot about like Paxil. Hell, I bet you can’t even name one of their side projects like Marplan (or anything from the MAOI collective). Pleeb.

I’m starting to doubt your undying love for the least corny thing associated with Conor Oberst. Seriously, do you even mope? How often do you even stare out the window longingly during a thunderstorm? I bet you live in a dry climate. Poser. For me, it’s always raining because I never stop crying. That’s how you know I’m a real Pheobe Bridgers fan. I’ve got depression and a severe case of the “Phoebe-Jeebies.”

Look, I don’t mean to be a snob. This is just a sensitive topic for me and I take it very seriously. I’ve been through a lot and, now that I’m thinking about the mentality it takes to get a full torso tattoo, you probably have too. Maybe we have more in common than I realized.

So to circle back to your original question, no I cannot name three Phoebe Bridgers songs.

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