New Pantera Box Set Just a Coors Light 24-Pack

Posted on January 31, 2021 by John Dixon

GOLDEN, Colo. — Legendary metal band Pantera announced today a collaboration with Coors Brewing Company to bring their fans a new box set in the form of a 24-pack of Coors Light, slightly tipsy sources confirmed.

“This crossover is going to be an absolute slam dunk from a marketing standpoint,” said Barry Shelton, marketing manager at Coors Brewing Company. “There’s no better pairing for fighting your dad in the front yard than a beer brand that sponsors a NASCAR driver and a sludgy, southern-tinged metal band. And the alcohol and caloric content of Coors Light is so low it’s virtually guaranteed to sell multiples, because even 24 light beers won’t be enough to get your average Pantera fan buzzed.”

Pantera fan and chapter president of the unofficial Pantera “Power Groove” fan club Willie Parks is excited for the unconventional box set.

“I mean, yeah, it’s been 20 years since the band put out any new music, and this isn’t even their first box set, but there are still plenty of reasons to get hyped for this release — chief among them being, this gives me an excuse to shotgun a bunch of beers while listening to ‘Vulgar Display of Power’ for the millionth time,” Parks said. “You haven’t lived until you’ve listened to ‘Walk’ at full blast on a half-dead lawn coated in spilled beer and your own sweat while your neighbors call the cops on you again. This box set gives you the perfect opportunity to do just that.”

Pantera bassist Rex Brown is reportedly pleased with the new release, believing it had “something to offer everyone.”

“This release is going to be great for Pantera fans of all stripes,” said Brown while unloading a dozen copies of the box set into his pickup truck. “New fans who are too young to know that Coors is literal pisswater will get a thrill just from the low calorie alcohol and hearing ‘Cowboys From Hell’ for the first time, while longtime fans too old to give a fuck that Coors blows wet ass will love hearing rarities.”

A special edition of the box set will include a pool float shaped like the buff cat man from the cover of “Metal Magic,” perfect for use in a cracked kiddie pool on a hot summer’s day.

“One More Run” Says Gamer Getting Married a Fourth Time

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local gamer Marcus Fuller has reportedly begun his fourth marriage, saying “just one more run” at the altar to his bride, Theresa Sparks.

“I love roguelikes so much, I’ve started to adapt the ideology into my real life,” explained Fuller. “I guess it’s only a roguelite because I lose exactly half of my items after each run, but I always feel energized to jump right back into the next partner. The cool thing about getting married is that your skills carry over to each one, but there’s so many strategies and personality types that no one run feels exactly the same. I think this is the one, though. I really think I’m going to make it to the end and not part until death.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Fuller’s bride Theresa does not mind his willingness to keep beginning new relationships.

“I guess you could say I knew what I was getting into when I decided to date a gamer in the first place. Most people wouldn’t do that at all,” explained Sparks at a support group for spouses of gamers. “I’m just in love with the passion of someone who’s always willing to start again from nothing — and trust me, I will leave him with exactly nothing if he fucks this up. Plus, I think it flatters me that he thinks of me as some sort of game, but hey, I guess that’s why I’m here at a support group for spouses of gamers.”

Despite support from friends and family, the priest who married Fuller and Sparks reportedly felt uncomfortable with the situation once he learned more about it.

“There’s nothing wrong with falling in and out love, but I didn’t quite appreciate that he said he chose me to marry him ‘this time around’ because I’m Lutheran, explaining that he wanted to try a ‘new build,’” said Stephen James. “That being said… using his strange terminology, I understand why his first few marriages didn’t work out, if he was using Catholic priests. That build is trash and the perks are mostly shame-based, which are completely useless low-tier nonsense.”

At press time, Fuller had mulliganned the run after getting an unlucky start, accidentally acquiring a dog with really low charm and cuteness stats.

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Value of AMC Popcorn Drops to $4000 per Barrel

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Kyle Stanley

LEAWOOD, Kan. — The value of hot, buttered movie popcorn dropped below $4,000 per barrel for the first time in decades this week following the extreme market volatility that greatly inflated AMC Entertainment stock prices, mindlessly munching sources confirmed.

“I wouldn’t go to a movie right now unless I was in a plastic bubble, but I just couldn’t resist popcorn at these prices,” said Andrea Bateson, lined up outside of an AMC theater with three empty garbage bags. “Popcorn hasn’t been this cheap since Kevin Costner could carry a feature. And with me still out of work and more stimulus checks nowhere to be found, I’m figuring me and my kids can just eat popcorn and drink butter-flavored toppings for the rest of the pandemic.”

For candy fans however, the massive drop in price for popcorn only furthers the divide between them and their kernel-toothed rivals.

“What, so I still gotta pay fuckin’ $17 a pop because I like M&Ms?” said candy-fan and diabetic Jesse Coburn. “Don’t think that people can’t see what’s going on here. Those greedy hedge fund bastards are screwing with us because they know real Americans like chocolate and candy, and they’re just trying to force their bullshit health food on us. We brought corn to this country, okay? And we gave it to the Indians because we didn’t fucking want it anymore.”

The Biden Administration took immediate action, calling on citizens to be patient and exercise judgment when purchasing large quantities of popped corn.

“This is no time to panic and flood Uber Eats with AMC orders,” said newly-appointed U.S. Secretary of Salted Snacks Stella D’Orrio. “This administration is working as hard as it can to ensure that every movie and television viewer will have access to as much as they need without worrying about shortages. In fact, we have a plan in place for a quick and concise rollout of a pre-bagged, ‘popcorn-like’ snack made from fried pea protein, which will be delivered to concession stands throughout the country.”

Experts predict that even as stock prices for AMC Entertainment normalize, Americans as a whole may be in for more affordable salty snacks, at least until theatres reopen in around five to six years.

Socially Conscious Crust Punk Only Dumpster Dives at Mom-and-Pop Stores

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Ken Taro

SAN FRANCISCO — Local crust punk David Wong firmly believes that “corporations are an evil plague on society,” which is why he only dumpster dives behind locally owned small businesses, friends of the socially conscious punk confirmed.

“I really embrace the hyperlocal freegan lifestyle. Last week, I was digging around and found a Pikachu toaster outside of Shang’s Appliances — two of the four slots work, and I’ve only been electrocuted by it like, four times,” smirked Wong, the 29-year-old frontman for the hardcore band No Followers. “But it’s not just about me and what I get: it’s about helping the people and businesses in the neighborhood. That’s why I’ve started to patch my jeans with local takeout menus, to help promote the restaurants. Could you imagine how ridiculous I would look if I did that with flyers for Panda Express?”

28-year-old Ana Dominquez, Wong’s wife and drummer, agrees.

“I used to dive exclusively at big box stores. One time I found an employee’s discarded vest outside of a Target, but I only wore it for a couple hours at a friend’s wedding before feeling like a complete sellout,” groaned Dominguez. “I’m glad that David shares the passion for doing this, though. We actually met in a dumpster, it was a very funny moment: I’d just found a knife with dried blood on it, and he jumped in at that exact moment and said, ‘Don’t worry. If I had any money, I wouldn’t be in here.’ We both laughed, and that was the start of something beautiful.”

However, local restaurant owner Yun Chan is less than amused.

“These punks think they’re doing us a service, but they’re just pests. To be honest, I’d rather have the raccoons and rats come back,” snarled the 59-year-old owner of the Shanghai Lotus Chinese restaurant. “This restaurant has been here for 50 years, and I’ve never seen anything like it. These moochers all line up outside the dumpster with lunch trays like it’s a buffet. Last week we got 12 new 5-star reviews on Yelp, but they all touted the ‘outdoor seating’ in the dumpster itself.”

Next week, the couple will reportedly be recording their first album in the dumpster where they met, using Hello Kitty instruments they found outside Liu’s Toys.

Opinion: Someone Explained Stocks To Me Yesterday and Now I’m Going To Explain To You With Less Detail So You Can Explain It Someone Else and Be Wrong

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Rebecca Acevedo

It was a rough news week for people who wanted to tweet something topical but had no idea what the fuck the stock market actually is. I never thought I would need to know more than just the general idea of what stock is but I was assured even my general understanding was wrong. To stay topical, I asked someone to explain it to me, so I can sort of explain it to you, and you can explain it to someone worse. It’s like the telephone game where at the end the person says something stupid.

To start at the beginning we have an economy; we work at places that make us sad to get money to buy stuff that will make us happy. This is called capitalism. Rich people are in charge of doing capitalism and create companies to keep most of the money. But they got bored and created a complex system of buying, sharing, borrowing, chunks of the companies to each other, other companies, and us. They called it the Stock Market.

The company sells chunks of itself called stock. You buy a stock and now you own a chunk of that company, maybe? You must get a receipt or certificate?!

Stocks are worth money, any number next to your stock is how much it’s worth. If you had stock and it had a “1” next to it then that stock would be worth one money. Find a chart. Down is bad. Up is good.

When a popular person like Elon Musk says “stonks” the stonks say “how high”. When the numbers are high, it’s bull. When the numbers are low, it’s bear. You look at the graph and you find out whether your stock is bear or bull and then you decide to keep, sell, or buy more. I’m a libra. This sounds like a nightmare of choices.

When rich people hang out they do hedge funds. Hedge funds can do whatever they want because they are friends with the stock market. They love short.

Short is when they take stocks that aren’t theirs and sell them on the stock market to a sucker. Then they wait for the bear and boom, buy it back. They pocket the money and return the stocks they stole.

Reddit, a place where upset people go to be upset, got upset and decided to get revenge. Reddit bought GameStop. Gamestop was bad but it’s good now because Reddit. Now the hedge funds are losing and the rich people changed the rules so that no one gets to stocks. You get it?

Here are some loose words I wrote down, Nasdaq, derivative, go long, liquid, Mr. Jones, and portfolio. Plug those in wherever. Just be confident when you explain it and if it’s wrong, whatever. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful, I think the person who explained it to me had just had it explained to them.

Deluxe Edition of Papa Roach Album to Feature Five Less Songs On It

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Universal Music Group will reissue nü-metal outfit Papa Roach’s seminal 2000 album “Infest” in a deluxe edition that features five less songs than the original version.

“We’ve done a lot of re-releases over the years,” said Lucian Grainge, Chairman and CEO of Universal Music Group. “And this is the first time I can recall that we had to trim some of the fat in order to pay tribute to the legacy of the record… which, let’s face it, is pretty much ‘Last Resort’ and not a whole hell of a lot else. Did you know there was an unlisted reggae song at the end? Don’t worry, though — it’s nowhere near this slimmed down version of this classic album. We wanted to just release this as a single and call it ‘The Ultimate Papa Roach Collectors Album,’ but our lawyers said we just can’t justify that.”

Papa Roach fans and detractors alike expressed happiness with the upcoming release.

“Oh, man, that sounds great,” said Ty Perkins, who graduated high school 21 years ago. “That album was the soundtrack to the absolute best years of my life: me and the boys carving up parking lots in stolen rollerblades, piercing our eyebrows with safety pins, and stealing half-smoked cigarettes out of ashtrays outside the supermarket. Really takes me back. And now this new version will be even easier to listen to in its entirety without being found out by my friends and family!”

Papa Roach vocalist Jacoby Shaddix, however, had mixed feelings about the reissue’s track listing.

“It’s not that they cut a few songs and put ‘Last Resort’ again at the end. It’s more so the adding of songs that aren’t even ours,” he said. “‘Nookie,’ ‘Butterfly,’ ‘Let the Bodies Hit the Floor,’ these tracks were never on ‘Infest,’ and now I’m worried that we’re going to have to split the proceeds… or at the very least, that Seth from Crazy Town is going to get pissed and change his HBO Max password on me. I might be fucked here.”

Universal Music Group also announced a deluxe, 2-disc expanded version of “Infest,” which will come bundled with a copy of System of a Down’s “Toxicity.”

Financially Savvy Gamer Inks Six Figure Deal

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Local gamer and financial wizard Thomas Kleinman impressed his friends and family with the news that he had inked a deal worth six figures, astounded sources confirmed.

“I just got off the phone with my contact at GameStop and confirmed that the figures are being shipped to my door as we speak,” said Kleinman, proudly leaning back in his chair and contemplating the specifics of the deal. “I’m very relieved that I was able to close so quickly. The market has been incredibly hot lately, what with the recent Pro Day sale and everything. But the funds have cleared from my checking account so now it’s all but official. This calls for a champagne toast!”

Kleinman’s parents were enthusiastic at the news, but this eventually gave way to wariness and suspicion as more details were revealed to them.

“At first I was getting choked up thinking my baby boy had done well enough for himself to buy a property where he could start his own family,” said Betsy Kleinman, Thomas’s mother. “But then he started telling me about how the figures are going to be worth a lot in the future because they were all from the same [Star Wars saga] and I realized that I’ll probably never have grandchildren at all. Thomas’s father hasn’t said a word all afternoon.”

At press time, Kleinman was getting on the phone with his accountant to confirm whether his acquisition might impact his taxes.

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5 Times the Barenaked Ladies Spoke Truth To Power

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Dicky Stock

With the world’s political and economic divisions at record-breaking highs, speaking truth to power is more important than ever. The term was coined as a way to describe speech, which, when spoken to power, is truth. It is the verbal sword wielded by the righteous to slay the wicked. Here’s five times the Barenaked Ladies did that shit.

“The Old Apartment” vs. Paul Hazen, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Wells Fargo

In 1997 BNL released their single, “The Old Apartment.” At first listen the audience may think this is a song about ex-lovers and the former home they shared, but former vocalist Steven Page later in an interview, “The song is about Paul Hazen, chairman and chief executive officer of Wells Fargo. Go read the lyrics again. It’s about that piece of shit Paul Hazen. Fuck that guy.”

“One Week” vs. Bill Clinton, President of the United States

You’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute. I know every lyric to ‘One Week’ especially the part where he admits to jerking off to anime, and I don’t remember ANY lyrics referencing Bill Clinton.” And you’re right! Except for the anime part. Based on the release date he was most likely spanking it to the Sailor Moon graphic novel series, which would make it manga, not anime.

The version of the song you knew growing up doesn’t make mention of Bill Clinton at all. The original version, however, includes this catchy half-rapped, half-sung line, “The children of Yugoslavia, scarred by fire, burnt by bombs, the blood is on your hands Mr. Clinton, the children of Yugoslavia scream for freedom from fire.” For obvious reasons, it was removed from the American release of their 1998 effort Stunt against the band’s protest. The Canadian release remains unchanged.

“Pinch Me” vs. The US Healthcare System.

Almost right out the gate, you’ve got singer Ed Robertson singing “I feel fine enough, I guess. Considering everything’s a mess.” He revealed in a 2010 interview that this was a response to a misdiagnosis he received while on tour in Utah years earlier.

“They said the pain in my stomach was just gas but I knew it was more than that. I knew it was something serious. Turns out I had hundreds of tiny ulcers in my stomach. I almost fucking died and the bill came to $9,000. Fuck the United States Healthcare system. In Canada, this would have never happened.”

“Brian Wilson” vs Brian Wilson, Legendary Beach Boys Vocalist

To some, this song may sound like the band paying homage to Beach Boys bassist, Brian Wilson. It’s anything but. Barenaked Ladies call Brian Wilson out for his sloth-like behavior in this scathing rebuke of the singer. I saw the drummer at a store one time and asked him if I was interpreting the meaning of this song correctly. He said “yep.”

“Alcohol” vs Ted Kennedy, Late Senator From Massachusetts

Why did the Barenaked Ladies place the late Senator Ted Kennedy in their crosshairs? We may never know. What is obvious though is the fact the song is being sung from the viewpoint of the dead Kennedy:

“I Discovered Alcohol
O Alcohol, Would You Please Forgive Me?
For While I Cannot Love Myself
I’ll Use Something Else
I Thought That Alcohol Was Just For Those With
Nothing Else To Do”

This is clearly mocking the “Lion of the State” for his inability to refrain from alcohol. These Canadian rabble-rousers take no prisoners and hold all those in power accountable with their scathing adult-contemporary, pop-rock bangers.

Man’s Funeral Most Fun Group of Friends Have Had in Months

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Yesterday’s funeral program for recently deceased Nathan Rivard was the most fun his friends have had since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, mourners report.

“Honestly, I didn’t even really want to go to the funeral because I always thought Nathan was a fucking knob, but I realized it would probably the first, and for all I know, last time I could see my friends for ages,” noted friend Jake Kershaw. “I knew I made the right decision when I was standing over the casket and Nathan’s brother pointed out that Nathan’s face looked like he had to take a massive dump. It’s a good thing I cry when I laugh really hard; otherwise I’d have looked like a total dickhead. The whole thing ended up being a blast — it was old friends from college, his coworkers, and even some relatives sharing stories about how much we thought he sucked.”

Rivard’s Immediate family were pleasantly surprised by the turn-out, even with the jovial mood of the attendees.

“We were very worried about that given the pandemic, and also our suspicion that people didn’t like Nathan much, that maybe nobody would show up,” remarked the deceased’s mother, Mary. “He could be difficult sometimes, and we were often concerned that he had no friends… even I struggled to tolerate him sometimes. But, seeing all of these well-wishers share stories about him warms my heart. They seemed to be laughing an awful lot and kept talking about ‘keeping the party going,’ but I guess everyone grieves differently.”

Funeral director Bob Cherry noted that using funerals as an excuse to see old friends is not uncommon.

“These days, I think anyone is just looking for an excuse to get out of the house, so we’ve seen a lot of these funerals with packed houses even if nobody liked the deceased much,” stated Cherry as he shoved Rivard’s naked corpse in the furnace. “This fucking guy, though, seemed like a complete knob — he had a tattoo on his stomach that read ‘Sobriety Test’ with an arrow pointing down to his pens. Grow up, idiot. I will say this, though: everyone who came out tonight drank like the world was ending tomorrow, so maybe I’ll have some more funerals to add to my calendar soon.”

Rivard’s urn was eventually tossed in the trash by a janitor after nobody claimed it.

So You’re a Fugazi Fan? Name Three Songs You Recommend Because I’m Trying to Get Into Them

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Jake Menez

Nice Fugazi shirt. Where’d you get it, Target? Heh. Probably. Okay then, name three songs. Please? I’m trying to get into them. Oh, and “Waiting Room” doesn’t count. I heard it already and the bassline bugs me.

I was by the bar with my friend and we saw you walk in wearing it and I was hoping to find out if you were a real fan. Earlier I turned to my buddy and said, “That’s a nice ‘Steady Diet of Nothing’ shirt. That’s a deep cut. I guarantee she’s a real fan and not some poser like me. I bet she can even name three songs by them.”

Don’t you hate posers? I would consider myself a poser when it comes to Fugazi and it just makes me sick to see posers like me walking around in this “Repeater” shirt I got on Amazon. I bet you hate that too, don’t you? Or are you not a real fan?

Thank God you came in here. Earlier, I was talking to the bartender and thought he was gonna help me out. That was until he asked what my favorite song was and I had to say all of ’em so he couldn’t call me out. He asked what I thought about the live series and if I knew they were friends with Cobain. I had to hide in the bathroom and read their Wikipedia page but I think I recovered when I told him they were “noted for their style-transcending music, DIY ethical stance, manner of business practice, and contempt for the music industry.”

Anyway, can you please name three songs by Fugazi that I can name drop? I need to show that bartender I’m not some basic ass poser so I can order an IPA.

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