Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Dead Metalhead Surprised to Find Satan Is Actually More Of a Dave Matthews Fan

Posted on March 2, 2022 by Chris Bowen

HELL — Local metalhead Duane Hovey came to a shocking discovery after a tragic gravity bong explosion that the dark lord himself prefers the sounds of more mellow, radio friendly rock.

“You know what they say: never meet your idols. When I realized I was dead, I thought, ‘well damn, this won’t be all that bad. I’m sure Satan will be totally metal.’ But boy was I wrong,” Hovey explained. “All those bands, the whole satanic panic movement… all for nothing! The Devil is a total wuss rock fan! When I first entered the halls of hell, I could hear that one ‘Crash Into Me’ song playing. I assumed it was some demon going over some other guy’s sins or something, but it turns out it was the dark lord himself. Man, King Diamond is going to be so disappointed when he finds out.”

One of Satan’s head demons, Argomon, weighed in on his infernal majesty’s music preference.

“Ever since I’ve been here, which is from about the mid 90’s, my lord and master has been constantly playing DMB night in and night out,” Argomon stated. “You know how difficult it is to maintain a strong torture regiment to Dave Mathews’ voice and weirdly high-up-on-his-body guitar strumming? It just doesn’t sit right for me. I mean, even if he left every once in a while on a grocery run or something we could blast some Nunslaughter or Venom or something, but he never goes anywhere, he just stays in and plays with his cats constantly like some freak.”

Satan took the time away from hammering nails into a poor soul’s soles to comment on the matter.

“You know, I like what I like. I guess it’s flattering that all those heavy metal guys put likenesses of me on their album covers and merchandise, but all that stuff is just noise to me,” the angel of darkness said. “I appreciate an artist with true talent, and those guys just don’t have it. I’ll take Boyd Tinsley’s violin playing over a heavy metal guitarist’s shredding anyday. The way I see it, it doesn’t take talent to scream all crazy anyway, just sayin.’”

Sources report that at the time this article was written, echoes of Matchbox Twenty could be heard throughout the dark kingdom.

How To Decipher Your Tattoo Artist’s Cryptic And Aggressive Booking Directions In Their Instagram Bio

Posted on March 1, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

So the time has come yet again for a new tattoo. How exciting! These days, most tattoo artists primarily work through Instagram, using it as a digital portfolio and a scheduling app in one. But sometimes artists can be tricky to understand, and you want to make sure you’re able to book your appointment smoothly. So here are 7 easy steps to help YOU decipher your tattoo artist’s cryptic and aggressive booking directions in their Instagram bio!

1. Read their bio carefully!
Be sure to REALLY comb through that bio. Here’s an example we pulled to help guide you.

JAXON B. ❤️‍🔥PHILLY – NYC – MALAGA
✅DO NOT DM to book, DMs only for booking
⛔️Email my assistant for an appointment!!!!
👎NO appointments without deposit, not accepting emails
☠️NO EMAIL NO APPOINTMENT!
🎉BOOKS CLOSED

2. Read it again because that didn’t really make sense?
Huh, yeah. Go ahead and take the time to read that again, because that was kind of weird and contradictory, don’t you think?

3. Send them a DM…or an email…
Ok, ok, so it’s a little less angry when it says “DO NOT DM to book“ instead of “NO EMAIL NO APPOINTMENT!” So DM it is.

4. Maybe both?
Ah, fuck. Now you’re nervous that they’re not going to see your message, or they’ll block you for not following their protocol and then you’ll be shit out of luck. Email just to be safe and be super apologetic. Here’s a handy template:

Hey Jaxon,

So sorry to bother you—I know that you’re super busy and probably booked a few months out, but I was curious if you had any openings for a custom piece? Totally cool if not. I know your bio says not to email (or to email your assistant) but I wasn’t quite sure how to reach out.

Thank you SO much!

5. Do you know someone who knows this guy in person?
You know what, maybe it’s best to just like, ask for an appointment via a proxy. You’ve gotta know someone who knows him. Doesn’t he do your exes tattoos too? You could always ask her. You’ve been meaning to catch up with her, actually, so that could work out—

6. Last-ditch effort
Don’t call your ex. Sorry. Sorry for that advice, we’re having kind of a rough go of it lately.

We suggest using either a smoke signal or a carrier pigeon to contact your artist if you’ve gotten to this point without success.

7. Give up and get walk-in flash like you always do
Fuck it. Just roll up to the least sketchy shop you can find and get some neo-traditional blackwork bullshit. At this rate, you’ll have that sleeve done in six or seven years!

Universally Respected Scene Legend Starts New Band Everyone Will Pretend to Enjoy

Posted on March 1, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local musician, show promoter, and all-around glue that holds the scene together Robby Baxter announced the debut of a new band that everyone will feel obligated to pretend to enjoy, confirmed multiple distressed sources.

“Don’t get me wrong, Robby is a great guy. He booked my band on our first show back in 2015 and now we’re about to go on tour with Comeback Kid, but his bands are always complete trash,” said Abby Stone, guitarist of Portland-based metalcore band Blood Within. “When his awful punk band The Dumb Waiters broke up everyone breathed a sigh of relief. So when I heard he had started something new I immediately called a band meeting and asked if everyone was cool moving to Seattle. I can’t stay here if I have to keep up the charade of liking Robby’s music, my soul can no longer handle it.”

Baxter was overjoyed to announce the formation of what he deemed a “supergroup.”

“I’ve been playing music for almost 30 years, and I’ve probably been in at least 60 bands and this is easily the best group of people I’ve ever worked with. We have two founding members of the legendary Brokestaff, and the original drummer of Polycide who is fresh out of prison and ready to fucking rip,” said Baxter. “We’re called Old School Demons, and if you can’t tell by the name, we play old school, no-frills hardcore. Each song is under a minute, except for like a dozen songs that clock in around eight minutes.”

Analysts from across the country note there is always at least one prominent personality in every scene that forms bands people talk shit about in private.

“Reasons for the fake admiration vary. Sometimes it’s because this person can get your band stage time, other times it’s because the person is kind of a badass, and being in their inner circle makes you a badass by association,” said Amber Liston. “Either way, it doesn’t change the fact the band is usually completely incompetent and incapable of writing anything halfway decent. It’s why whenever they ‘tour’ it’s always them trying to hop on bigger shows in whatever city they ended up in.”

At press time, a state of emergency was declared in the Portland scene after multiple reports of Baxter asking people “so what do you think of my band’s demo?”

We Asked Gen Z To Define Popular Slang But They Kept Using Other Words We Don’t Know

Posted on March 1, 2022 by Jus Kaplan

What can we say about Gen Z that hasn’t already been texted, tweeted, or TikToked? Regardless of how you feel about the generation that made a star out of Logan Paul, there’s no denying they have changed the national lexicon. So we sat down with a real live Zoomer to define popular slang.

Meet Adam, better known as “Adamussy2003.” He currently has over a million followers online, gaining widespread popularity by sarcastically reviewing video game playthroughs while playing audio drops from a Shrek soundboard over lofi house music.

The Hard Times: Adam, thanks for joining us.
Adam: No problem, thanks for having me. I had to Google you though, no cap. At first I thought you were pretty sussy baka.

Alright, well we know what “no cap” means. For real times two. But what does “sussy baka” mean?
It’s when someone is mad pringly about stuff.

Pringly?
You don’t know? You ain’t one of those loozy dada’s are you?

Is it safe to assume that loozy dada roughly translates to lame dad?
No. Don’t ever assume anything. Only brewsters make assumptions.

Noted. As journalists, it sounds like a “Brewster” is the last thing we would want to be.
Adam: Exactly. It’s pure plinko.

Okay now we’re lost. Does your generation even use context clues?
Woah, relax with the old person talk. Keep up, my slime. You’re starting to make me madachu and you wouldn’t like me when I’m madachu.

Is that even real slang or are you just misquoting the Hulk?
Trunks, bruh. Trunks.

Okay well What about “drip?” You all say that right?
Yeah, it’s when your fit ‘nally chef’s kiss. Straight hypothermsick.

This is probably the best place to wrap this up. Adam, thanks for joining us. Anything else you’d like to say?
Yeah, make sure to throw me a fid and a couple of zippos on the Tok. If you can’t keep it 250, odds are you’re too even.

When We Were Young Festival “Arms Crossed In The Back” Section Sold Out Immediately

Posted on March 1, 2022 by Jose Balderas

LAS VEGAS — When We Were Young festival released a new batch of tickets for an “Arms Crossed In The Back” section that saw the allotment sell out in record time, according to sources.

“We want to give the concertgoers the full experience of being in a venue, and after looking at this lineup for about three seconds, we saw a need for this new ticket,” explained LiveNation spokesperson S. Mendoza. “We’re erecting very long walls opposite every stage to ensure optimal space created for elbows to point outward comfortably. Head bobbing is not required, but for those who might let extra loose, we’ve reserved a row in from the sidewall that’s still seven rows away from the pit in order to meet health and safety requirements.”

Many fans who have not attended a show in years due to starting families, full-time jobs, and growing up overall are ecstatic to revisit their scene.

“Oh man, the last time I was at a show I could still make out Davey Havok’s eyeliner. Now I won’t be able to make out if they’ve aged as much as me and the music might be a few seconds delayed, but it’s all part of your dedication to the scene and just letting it all wash over you from a distance,” said Joey Hayford, a 38-year-old longtime fan of AFI. “You just don’t need to be up front going bananas, possibly getting hurt. We’re enjoying it on a deeper level, and by that I mean barely able to hear and see anything, and as far away from the rest of the show as humanly possible.”

Due to the overwhelming demand for the “Arms Crossed In The Back” section many longtime rear-venue dwellers are struggling to find a way in.

“I had multiple devices going and the best I could find were pit tickets. Now my only option is to pay massive reseller prices,” said Wesley Smithlane. “Everyone knows that you need to stand in the back if you know the band, or have seen the band before, or want to let people know this isn’t your first rodeo, or maybe your knees just aren’t what they used to be. If you want to show a band your approval at a show the best thing you can do is stand still with your arms crossed and show absolutely no emotion whatsoever.”

As of press time, promoters were planning to sell wristbands that would allow you to smoke clove cigarettes while standing in a giant circle in the parking lot.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Leaky Roof Bucket Moonlighting as Drum Throne

Posted on March 1, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

ATHENS, Ga. — A five-gallon bucket generally kept under leaks in the roof of local venue, Little King’s Shuffle Club, is also making debuts on the stage as a drum throne, according to sources.

“There’s more than meets the eye with this old girl,” drummer Milo Rowsdower stated, referring to the bucket. “I was on tour with my band, Fia Marrow, taking a bathroom break on the side of the road when I first spotted her. ‘Damn, that’s a nice bucket, I could totally piss in that,’ was my first thought, but something told me there was more going on here. As luck would have it, the backline at the venue we played later that night forgot a drum throne so I tried her out and the rest is history. I wiped her down a bit, branded her with some band stickers and brought her home with me to Athens.”

The bucket has been more than welcome back in Rosdower’s hometown where throws for her attention appear to be quite competitive.

“I’m glad Milo enjoys the bucket, but first and foremost, its principal use is in its uncanny ability to hold liquids,” Rowsdower’s boss and Little King’s Shuffle Club owner, Hardy Backer stated. “He can’t expect to bring a valuable tool into this establishment and just flip it over and stick his ass on it whenever he pleases. We have a vintage vibe to maintain, and I have a fuck load of messes to clean. Vomit, piss, beer, that stinky mold that grows in keg tap lines… this bucket’s taken it all for me.”

Rowsdower’s bandmates seem to be the only ones struggling to find enthusiasm for the ingenuity and cost savings of the multifaceted bucket.

“I dunno, man, I just feel like Milo could spend a little of his paycheck on buying a real drum throne at this point,” bandmate Carter Wilson said, noting it’s been in the band rotation for a full four years now. “It’s either raining and we have to postpone shows so it can collect rainwater, or some college kid has alcohol poisoning and needs a barf bucket ASAP. It’s always something. Aside from the squabbling between Hardy and Milo for who gets to use the bucket that night, it only ever gets cleaned when it’s raining so the piss and vomit stains really accumulate.”

At press time, “rodent maternity ward” was added to the list of the bucket’s many uses after a rat gave birth inside of it after a recent band practice.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Friend Who Stopped Sharing Anti-vax Content on Facebook Presumed Dead

Posted on February 28, 2022 by Tony Morse

PORTLAND, Ore. — The sudden decrease in social media activity of a prolific vaccine disinformation propagator Jason Cooley is leading friends and acquaintances to believe it’s a result of his predictable death, somber sources confirmed.

“Jason’s always been out there,” recounted former high school classmate Julie Perkins. “He’s claimed everything from Sandy Hook being staged to Earth being flat and even that jet fuel can’t burn hot enough to melt steel. After he met this Yoga instructor at his CrossFit gym, he really began focusing on vaccines. He started using Facebook to broadcast daily bullshit about microchip implants and how he’d never get a COVID vaccine because it’s been proven that Anthony Fauci is a tool of Satan’ and wild shit like that. He’s never missed a day, not even when he was following Kid Rock’s tour. But his account has gone silent, so I’m afraid he finally checked into and out of the ICU for good.”

Facebook acknowledges preventable Covid deaths are tragic, but disputes the notion that their content policies contribute to them.

“Even if there was something we could do to prevent people from choosing to read alternative vaccination views, it simply wouldn’t be appropriate for us to do so,” said longtime Facebook moderator David Williams after washing down a generous handful of Xanax with a mouthful of Vodka. “As Mr. Zuckerberg has us recite at company rituals, we are not censors here. Removing content that some people might simply disagree with is an affront to free speech no matter how many so-called experts claim there’s an epidemic of online disinformation killing hundreds of thousands of people and putting many more at risk. Besides, if something like that was actually happening, I’d have a hard time living with myself.”

Still, Cooley wishes everyone would just stop worrying about him.

“I only logged off to stand in front of this hospital and hand out pamphlets about how urine therapy cures Covid,” he said through an aggressive cough. “I’m still not convinced Covid is real, but what’s the harm in drinking some of your own pee just to be on the safe side? It might sound kinda gross, but I don’t even notice the smell or taste anymore. Besides, I’ve lived this long with diabetes and multiple sclerosis, so what could a little Covid possibly do to me?”

At press time, Cooley’s friends were setting up a GoFundMe page for his wife and two small children.

Whale Overhearing Set From Noise Rock Cruise Finds It Derivative

Posted on February 28, 2022 by Corey Montgomery

MAUI, Hawaii — A humpback whale off the coast of Maui found the musical offerings overheard from noise-rock-themed ‘Sonic Cruise’ to be lacking in originality, “at best.”

“We come here every year to mate and enjoy the local culture and we usually have a blast. This year, however, has been quite disappointing and honestly, a bit offensive,” sighed the whale, whose given name cannot be phonetically spelled, in reference to a band’s set he overheard on the cruise. “At first, I was like, ‘Shit! This is really speaking to me!’ but then I realized the song I was hearing was just a blatant rip-off of a traditional mating call dating back to my ancestors. I had to guide a couple of the younger calves away from the ship because they instinctively thought it was a virile male attempting to fornicate. It was derivative at best, and appropriative at worst.”

A sea turtle who often interacts with the whale was understanding of his distaste for the band in question, but ultimately thought he was being overdramatic.

“It’s always the same thing with this guy. He never lightens up. Do you know why sea turtles live such long lives? Because we shut the fuck up and enjoy ourselves,” explained the 36-year-old turtle. “So what if a musical act is taking your ancient songs and retooling them? Most would take that as a compliment. I was just chatting with one of my seagull friends, and he still can’t stop raving about how honored he was by the screamo cruise that came through last summer. That one was so flagrant I thought the entire ship had been taken over by his colony, but he didn’t mind at all.”

According to Marine Biologist Janet Bowman, the far-reaching influence of whale songs on modern music is difficult to ignore.

“From Pink Floyd’s ‘Echoes’ to Bjork’s entire discography, the influence is unmistakable,” remarked Bowman. “Some historians even suggest that Jimi Hendrix’s signature tone was inspired by accidentally falling off a boat and overhearing the drone of a passing whale pod. Given the historical impact, it is almost impossible to find any musical group that has not incorporated whale songs in their repertoire even on a subconscious level.”

At press time, a sound technician employed by Sonic Cruise was seen carefully lowering a waterproof microphone off the ship’s railing.

When This 6-Year-old Got Cancer His Entire Town Came Together To Say Christ That’s Awful

Posted on February 28, 2022 by Sean Peecook

Terrible things every day but when the residents of West Chester, Ohio heard that local first-grader Erik Richey was diagnosed with terminal cancer, they decided to do something about it. Within hours of hearing the tragic news, they gathered in the town square to stand around with their arms crossed saying stuff like, “Jesus Christ. Six? That’s awful. Wow. What a goddamn shame.”

Wow! You don’t hear inspiring stories like that all the time! Well, except in the comments of any local news story on Facebook.

Even more incredible, this beautiful story started with the help of one resident. Local librarian Robert Schifter said, “When I heard the news, I knew I had to do something. So I walked outside and approached everyone I saw. I said things like, ‘Damn’ and ‘Stage IV.’ Before ya know it, other people were chiming in with ‘I can’t even imagine how his mother feels right now’ and ‘Christ, the poor kid.’ After a while, we were mobilized.

The story didn’t end there! When word spread of the town coming together, opportunistic news anchor, Veronica Campbell, felt compelled to get involved. “I knew I had an obligation to use my position to get this story on TV and just say, ‘I mean fuck. Does he even understand what’s happening to him? And his sisters, they’re going to have to carry this forever. Why? Why?'”

Faith in humanity restored! When little Erik Richey heard the news of his town coming together he must have felt like the luckiest kid in the world!

Drummer Looking to Start Some Shit Deterred by “No Drama” Stipulation on Craigslist Ad

Posted on February 28, 2022 by Tom K

PHOENIX — Local musician and currently band-less drummer Elle Jade’s hopes of joining a new group were promptly crushed after reaching the “no drama” stipulation in a Craigslist ad late yesterday morning, according to sources.

“‘No drama’ qualifiers have become the norm in ‘band seeking…’ posts and it’s killing the local scene,” Jade said. “Any band would be lucky to have me. I pride myself on my versatility, in that I can find creative differences with anyone in any genre. I mean, who wants a harmonious band? True art comes from conflict and if that conflict comes from me consistently and methodically trying to sleep with every band member’s marital partner, then that’s how it will happen.”

“Every ad I see is ‘low key’ this and ‘just have fun that.’ Ginger Baker must be rolling in his shallow grave,” she added.

One such band seeking a drummer defends their use of the “no drama” tag in their most recent of seven consecutive, identical postings.

“I can’t believe we even had to specify this. We’re a goddam ska cover band. Literally, our name is ‘Goddam Ska Cover Band.’ Our last drummer threw a tantrum in a Hawaiian shirt and oversized pink sunglasses. No one needs to see that twice in one lifetime,” remarked Goddamn Ska Cover Band vocalist Bryanna Ortiz. “Thankfully, our carefully worded Craigslist ad will prevent this type of incident from happening ever again, as ska bands are known for their consistent membership.”

In light of Jade’s situation and countless others like it, Craigslist released an official statement announcing a division into two separate services.

“We’re excited to announce the Craigslist splinter site: Sidslist,” said Craigslist spokesperson Marisa Vitali. “Sidslist provides an open, hassle-free way for dramatic musicians to find the right dysfunctional bands for them. It’s basically just the ‘free’ section and what would have been our ‘missed connections’ page years ago, but it is our hope to kickstart the next generation of Morrisseys and Gallaghers.”

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