New High-End Goth Clothing Line Comes With Cat Hair Already on It

Posted on by Chris Taaffe

LOS ANGELES — A new clothing line known as Claw promotes itself as the first luxury brand specifically tailored for the goth market and sells all of its products pre-covered in cat hair, pale-skinned sources confirmed.

“I’ve been fully entrenched in the goth scene since I first saw ‘Addams Family Values’ when I was a child,” recalls Claw founder, Serena Nicholes. “The contrast of ghostly white skin with jet black clothes, the dark makeup, the shiny spikes and studs, and most importantly, loads of cat hair completely covering every inch of fabric. If I see a goth person with no cat hair on them I just think they are a complete poser. But I realized that a lot of members of the goth community had trouble finding high-quality clothing and had to painstakingly make alterations and add cat hair themselves, I saw an opportunity. That’s when Claw started.”

Customers of Claw have been raving about the craftsmanship and selection provided by the brand.

“I really love everything that Claw makes,” remarks frequent customer, Eric Lashley. “No more hunting through thrift stores or laying around with my cats for days in order to break in a new piece of clothing. These clothes are perfect right out of the box and it looks like a cat slept on every piece for at least 18 hours. You know that feeling you get when you try on a brand new outfit and it looks great on you? You’ll never feel that way with these! I put them on and just feel like a depressed creep right away. It’s very comforting.”

Fashion expert, Mariana Hampton, notes that when a clothing brand really understands its consumer base it’s a recipe for success.

“Designers need to understand the culture behind their target buyers if they expect to generate any sort of brand loyalty. Claw does this better than any company I’ve seen. Not only do they have the cat hair, but any customer that spends more than $100 gets a complimentary book of H.P. Lovecraft’s short stories,” said Hampton. “Some outsiders might think it’s ridiculous to buy clothes that desperately need to be cleaned, but people said the same thing about buying ripped jeans. It’s about making a statement and one of the core statements in the goth community is ‘I’m a sad person who never goes outside.’”

At press time, Claw is gearing up to release a summer line of pants and long-sleeved shirts that have sweat marks.

Nine-Day Vacation Referred To As “That Time I Lived In Brazil”

Posted on by John Danek

MADISON, Wis. — 24-year-old aspiring writer Ricky Trout is generously referring to a brief nine-day long spring break vacation as “that time I lived in Brazil,” irked friends report.

“When I lived in Brazil, I was really immersed in the Spanish language. I was basically fluent, but I already forgot it all again,” stated Trout, whose nine-day trip reportedly included two solely for travel to and from his home in Wisconsin. “It really changed my life. I stayed with this wonderful woman Antonia who was like a mother to me. I think everyone needs to spend a hearty amount of time outside the USA. As a bonus, it’s really inspired my writing.”

Friends claim Trout’s highly exaggerated stay in South America’s biggest country didn’t even include the typical perspective-widening experiences that come with living abroad.

“He’s technically not wrong, but he’s also technically an asshole,” declared friend Kelly Palzer, who declined to join Ricky’s trip due to already being on a semester abroad in Turkmenistan. “Yes, he did in fact ‘live there’ in the sense that his body existed within the country’s borders for a while, but that’s not what the implication of ‘live’ means. And according to his Instagram stories, he just got blackout drunk at the Jack Daniel’s Rock Bar. And Antonia? She was the maid at the Hilton hotel that his mom got for him. She probably cleaned up his puke no less than four times.”

Sociologists have varying theories on the rise in exaggerating the importance of brief international vacations.

“As time goes on, people realize that the United States of America is a dogshit third-world country, so any sort of cred one can accumulate elsewhere helps one’s image,” explained Dr. Eric Weathers, Professor of Sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “But keep in mind that people can see right through more egregious overstatements. Don’t claim you ‘lived’ somewhere unless you had to account for rent back home. Even one month is pushing it. I’d say two months is a good general guideline, unless you were studying abroad, in which case go fuck yourself.”

Reports indicate that friends are growing increasingly irate with Trout, as he insists on ordering fajitas at Chili’s with a hyper-emphasized accent.

We Ranked Every Episode of “Law & Order: SVU” and Got Halfway Through Season Two Before We Lost the Will to Live

Posted on by Ella Gale

“Law & Order: SVU” spans so many hours of content, that watching it and ranking all of its episodes would take months, if not years. But we’re not afraid to feed the internet’s ravenous desire for numbered lists. Gird your noggins, Stabler enablers, we’re about to go for a very dark dive.

  1. Nocturne: Season 1, Episode 21. This episode really pushes all the buttons, including molestation, intergenerational trauma, and piano lessons.
  2. Confession: Season 2, Episode 1. Yes, I googled “Clockwork Orange eye holder thingy price” while watching it, because we all need a little help getting through the work day. But much like its first victim, this episode is on fire. Powerful people get their comeuppance, with classic Benson and Stabler along the way.
  3. Manhunt: Season 2, Episode 18. To be completely transparent, I didn’t watch this episode. What’s the point? Do you realize how many terrible things happen to human beings? Also, what’s the deal with all these child actors? Are their parents protecting them from the show’s sewage-steeped content? Some of them are pretty young! Maybe SVU should do an episode about a child star who later commits murder because when they were young they were traumatized by acting in an episode of “Law & Order: SVU.”

You know, it’s pretty unreasonable to expect me to rank these episodes. There are more than 300 assault-drenched hours of TV here, and it’s hard to watch more than a dozen a day now that I need sixteen hours of sleep a night for some reason. Not to mention the three boxes of Kraft mac and cheese that is suddenly the only thing my corroded guts will tolerate. Yesterday I peed neon orange, and it was so thick my toilet clogged.

Do you think SVU has an intern whose job it is to google “sex crimes”? Maybe they don’t even get called an intern. Maybe their business cards say “Sex Crime Googler,” and their floor is littered with tiny pieces of ripped headlines that they no longer have the will to vacuum away.

Maybe I’ll just read recaps of the other 20 seasons.

Hmm, for some reason all the recappers stopped after season 2.

Opinion: Quitting Drinking Was the Best Court-Mandated Decision I Ever Made

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Every sober person will tell you that quitting drinking was the greatest decision they’ve ever made. I didn’t believe them at first until out of nowhere some court made that decision for me three months ago. So far it’s been an involuntary blessing.

You just don’t know what it’s like to never wake up with a hangover until mandate stipulations clearly forbid you to. I’ve also never felt healthier, been more productive, or felt my free will gently slip away from me so quickly in my life. Cheers to that.

This isn’t the first court-mandated decision that’s been made for me either. One time the judicial system decided I shouldn’t have a driver’s license for a little while. Turns out you have to actually pay your traffic tickets in order to keep your license. Anyway, thanks to their decision I was forced to walk and bike everywhere. I lost a good 20 pounds from that court-mandated decision alone. Thanks, Judge Benedict. Or should I say, personal trainer Benedict?

The justice system has been crushing it so much with my decision-making that I’m thinking about letting them plan every single other part of my life too. Kind of like giving them power of attorney. After all, I’m clearly not very good at life choices.

Just last month I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take a vacation to France or Portugal. So when I asked the courts which one I should travel to, they quickly reminded me that I’m not allowed to leave the state because there were still nine months left of unrelated probation that didn’t allow me to. That made my decision super easy. I simply vacationed at my nearest convenient Dave and Busters instead. If you squint long enough in their prize store, it really feels like you’re in Paris.

Long story short, I learned the hard way that actions have consequences that can result in other people making decisions for you that improve the quality of your life. Thanks to the justice system I’ll never touch another drink ever again for the next eight months three weeks four days and nine hours.

Punk Wishes He And His Father Could Hate Biden For Same Reasons

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LANCASTER, Penn. — Local punk Jason Harris was disappointed that he is unable to bond with his father over their shared hatred of Joe Biden due to their diametrically opposed views they hold regarding the state of politics, confirmed several sources close to the father and son.

“When I heard my dad trashing Joe Biden I thought I might’ve finally found some common ground with the old man,” said the far-left Harris. “That piece of garbage hasn’t canceled student debt, he still sells arms to Saudi Arabia, and he licks the boots of cops so hard that his tongue is jet black. But my dad’s reasons for hating Joe Biden make no sense to me. Instead of shitting on the old dotard, I spent the entire conversation defending Joe Biden against weird accusations of coprophagia and explaining that he didn’t kill Princess Diana. What a waste of time!”

When asked for comment Jason’s father Josh Harris couldn’t believe how ignorant his son was about what made President Biden truly evil.

“I did some research and found out that he wakes up in the morning, eats several baby kidneys, and then changes the gas sign at the local gas station,” said the elder Harris who spends upwards of nine hours a day on Facebook. “I saw a video of him doing all these things on Telegram and my idiot son tried to convince me it was something called a ‘deep fake.’ The only faker around here is the lizard man Joe Biden! Have you seen the way his eyes shift between human and lizard? Pretty suspicious. It’s obvious to me it’s part of his communist plot to make us drive electric cars and reduce the nourishing gases that are released from our car’s exhaust pipes. Truly scary stuff.”

Family counselor Paul Mocarski thinks that if he truly wants to connect with his father, Jason should try to focus on the things they love, not hate.

“Hate just brings out the worst of us and isn’t a healthy way for people to bond,” explained Mocarski. “Find something innocuous to connect over. Why not play a nice game of cornhole or talk about the upcoming football season? If you constantly talk about politics and religion with your parents then you will eventually devolve into a Second Amendment argument and someone might end up getting shot in the foot, and nobody needs that.”

At press time, the father and son made some progress by agreeing that a Clinton personally killed Jeffrey Epstein, but vehemently disagreed about which one.

Mental Health Day No Match For Check Engine Light

Posted on by Zach Hudson

AKRON, Ohio — Local graphic designer Harper Staples’ rejuvenating mental health day took a devastating turn when their check engine light suddenly came on earlier today, confirmed sources sending thoughts and prayers.

“I had my whole day planned out perfectly. I slept in, I listened to a new podcast about The Red Ribbon Killer, I did yoga on my balcony, I was in the BEST mood,” said Staples. “I was on my way to the store to get the ingredients to make brownies and then a saw the dull orange glow of my check engine light turn on and I felt my soul leave my body. It was like all the negative energy in the world had a meeting and said ‘I know how we can fuck Harper over, let’s fuck with their car.’ I can’t even call out of work tomorrow and try again because of the quarterly sales meeting, which is like half the reason I needed this day in the first place.”

Staples remains hopeful that whatever was going on with their car was a quick, inexpensive fix, and promptly brought it to local mechanic Burt Gaines’ shop.

“One thing they teach you in automotive school is to have a good ‘bedside manner.’ I could tell this kid was in bad shape when they walked in and it will be tough delivering the news. It’s bad, like, really bad,” said Gaines. “I know Harper is hopeful that they can still make it to their favorite coffee shop to read on the patio later, but with these diagnostics, they’re certainly not getting there by car. And for this to happen on what was supposed to be their mental health day. How could anyone believe in God?”

Sarah Washman, an expert in self-care and author of several books on the subject including “Calm Apps and Afternoon Naps: Self-Care Tips for Millennials” couldn’t even offer any advice on how Staples could salvage this tragic attempt at a mental health day.

“Honestly, I’ve got nothing. There aren’t enough face masks and herbal teas in the world for a sudden onslaught of check engine light,” said Washman. “The trick to having a successful mental health day is to be able to turn off your problems and stressors beforehand. If a new problem of this magnitude presents itself, it’s best to just cut your losses and try again another time. I suppose they could try meditation, but that just seems laughable at this point.”

At press time, sources reported that Harper received a text from their boss while sitting at the mechanic, informing them that the entire board would now be attending the quarterly sales meeting.

How To Turn a Celebration of Community and Acceptance Into a Niche, Inter-Left Debate Nobody Wants To Have

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Pride is the greatest of the highly symbolic months. A perfect time to attend a festival, get a second-degree burn, and maybe alcohol poisoning. But what would Pride be without the endless churning discourse machine of the modern Internet?

This is the time to take what in theory should be a communal celebration of identity and solidarity, and turn it into a micro-debate so niche that at the end of the day, the only winner is you. Here’s how to get that sweet clout in 7 easy steps.

1. Wrack your brain for something you can start shit about early!
First and foremost: it is NEVER too early to start thinking of ways to divide and irritate your so-called community. We suggest beginning to workshop ideas in January to make sure you have plenty of time to smooth out the finer points of your imaginary dialogue.

2. Start sowing the seeds of very strong opinions on Instagram
Once May starts, Pride will begin to creep into the public eye in Target ads and Instagram stories. Make it known that you have very strong convictions about whatever you’ve decided to stir up this year starting around May 15th or so to get a leg up on your competition.

3. Make it clear that those who disagree with you are either homophobes or don’t know their queer history.
Once the story replies and DMs start flooding in, be sure to repost screenshots of private conversations with long-winded and snarky replies. The two safest bets for shutting down any chance of a productive exchange are to either accuse your detractors of internalized homophobia or make it clear that they literally don’t know their own queer history. How embarrassing for them.

4. Mention children a lot for some reason.
Regardless of your in-fighting topic of choice, we’ve found that a surefire way to get your followers either angry or alienated as quickly as possible is to mention children a lot from any standpoint, even though almost no one involved has them and they’re pretty much irrelevant to your opponents.

5. Once parades and festivals start, don’t mention anything remotely positive about any of them.
We will not stand for pictures of Billy Porter with happy attendees or those nice ladies with the Free Mom Hugs signs when there are dozens of people deciding to be angry about [TEMPLATE: INSERT DISCOURSE HERE]!


6. Demand that your audience thank you monetarily for doing “the work.”
Listen, you’re the one speaking out against whatever it is you’re speaking out against here. Drop your Venmo handle every time you post as a subtle reminder that your audience literally owes you.

7. Repeat yearly until seasoned veterans stop attending Pride events altogether.
That’s what we wanted, right? Right?

Review: Yeah Yeah Yeahs “Cool It Down”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

New York indie rock pioneers Yeah Yeah Yeahs are back with a new studio album titled “Cool It Down” which will be their first record in nearly 10 years.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs burst onto the scene in the mid-2000s. Not much was known about them at first except that they formed in New York City. And you know what they say. NYC is the greatest city in the world. I would know firsthand as someone who’s lived here for almost an entire three months.

Sure, I may have never actually set foot in an international metropolitan area before for comparison, but I can assure you that this city is the greatest one on Earth. Except of course for Times Square. If you ever visit here, absolutely do not go to that tourist trap.

So, to recap, New York is the greatest city, not counting that one place with all the huge TV screens yelling at you. Also, not counting the 15-block radius surrounding Times Square obviously. Well, that and Staten Island. Can’t forget that one. While we’re at it, throw out 75% of Queens too. Also, the Bronx. That’s where the Yankees play. Go Mets!

The Statue of Liberty and Rockefeller Center can indefensibly go fuck themselves too. Not to mention the Empire State Building, Flatiron Building, and One World Trade Center. Just avoid tall buildings in general. Never know when an air conditioner is going to fall out a window and instantly kill you.

Also, stay clear of all apartments. They’re inherently cramped and infested with cockroaches, rats, and bed bugs. Public places are a no-go too. They’re flat out dirty as hell.

Did I miss anything? Oh, avoid most of Brooklyn. It used to be cool but it’s gotten gentrified ever since I moved there six weeks ago. Can you believe apartments used to cost as little as $4,000 a month in Bushwick before those good-for-nothing gentrifiers moved in? Now I can barely afford brunch using my parents’ credit card. Soon I’ll be displaced from my loft and be forced to relocate to Manhattan proper. Ugh!

Anyway, besides those places, New York is clearly the greatest city in the world. It’s got everything you could possibly want, like restaurants, bars, and at least one park. You know, stuff other cities don’t have.

In conclusion, the Big Apple spawned the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, so that’s one thing it’s got going for it.

Score: 10 out of 10 pizza slices folded symmetrically in half.

/**/

Record Store Celebrates Millionth Customer to Look Around a Bit Then Leave

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

MILWAUKEE — Employees at the Stacked Rack record store joyously celebrated their millionth customer to come in, look around for a bit, and then leave without buying anything, several excited sources confirm.

“This is a dream come true for us,” said owner Kellan Copley while wiping tears from his eyes. “When I first opened this store eight years ago, I never thought we’d make it to our millionth person to stare blankly at a record before putting it back in the wrong spot and then quickly leave the store without making eye contact with anyone. But look at us now! We can’t wait to continue re-organizing our inventory for the next million visitors who have absolutely no intention of making a purchase.”

Eyewitnesses report that Logan Peterson, the millionth customer, wandered around the shop for nearly 15 minutes, displaced nine different albums in the process, and even spilled some coffee on the floor.

“I guess that’s pretty cool. I figured I’d just stop in while my girlfriend is getting her hair cut,” said Peterson while gesturing towards a copy of ‘Peace Sells… but Who’s Buying?’ that is now sitting in the Folk section. “I felt kind of awkward because I was the only guy in there and the clerk up front asked if he could help me find anything nearly a dozen times. I don’t even own a record player, I was sort of hoping they would have a used DVD section or something. I just carried around a few records I thought were cool until I got the text that my girlfriend was ready to go.”

Local consumer expert Liza Berryman weighed in on the importance of the event, claiming it to be a huge milestone for music retailers across the country.

“Although brick and mortar stores are struggling, it’s inspiring to see that the little guys can still draw eyeballs on their products before people buy them on Amazon instead,” said Berryman. “It’s not just the big chains getting their stuff browsed and unbought, mom and pop shops can be ignored too! These people aren’t just walking in asking ‘do you have a bathroom I can use?’ So I have no doubt in my mind that this exposure will encourage more people to visit their local record store with open hearts and empty checkout bags.”

At press time, the Stacked Rack has not successfully sold any records since the celebration despite being well into the third week of their going-out-of-business sale.

Just Because I Support This Farmer’s Market Doesn’t Mean I Expect To Pay Full Price

Posted on by Doug Kolic

There’s nothing like getting up early on a Saturday and heading over to this Farmer’s Market that I’ve always supported. But if these vendors expect me to pay full price, I’m gonna lose my shit!

Most of these growers have deep connections to the land that dates back generations, or they’re hard-working immigrants who put their blood, sweat, and tears into providing us with healthy, sustainable food. But thirty dollars for a jar of honey? I better be on a hidden prank show right now because I could buy an eight-pack from Costco for half that price.

I’ll give you ten bucks but you have to throw in some of this organic coconut oil – my rescue cats love it. These places would never survive without people like me. I literally post hundreds of selfies every week when I’m here. Free advertising, you’re welcome!

If you farmers expect me to pay $15 for eggs they better be Goop-approved and double as a sexual aid. Sure they’re delicious and locally sourced, but we don’t want the health inspector getting an anonymous/bogus complaint about a salmonella outbreak, do we? Let’s work together so that doesn’t happen again! I’ll give you five bucks, final offer.

I’m actually not just a shopper anymore, I’m a merchant too! I got inspired to create jewelry after buying amazing items here from a Bolivian artist named Sofia, who graciously took me under her wings and taught me how to make my own stuff!

In exchange, I gave her tips I learned watching Shark Tank, like the importance of having the right price point otherwise you’ll be undercut by your competitors and forced out of business, both things which ironically happened to her because of me.

Looks like I have some interested customers checking out bracelets. Nothing makes me happier than talking to people who appreciate the craftsmanship that went into making these little pieces of art.

But if any of these assholes try to haggle with me again, I’ll burn this entire place to the ground!
Remember, support local!

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