Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

5 Ska Albums You Must Listen to Before I Finally Put You Out of Your Misery

Posted on June 25, 2022 by Harry Valentine

So here you are in my torture chamber, just begging for me to put you out of your misery. Well as you squirm on your makeshift deathbed, I have one final torment you must endure before I allow your soul to escape the horrors of my creation. If you thought the force-feeding or the bamboo shutes in your fingernails were bad, just wait until I unleash the grim finale in my concert of brutality. Here are five ska albums you must listen to before I let you die.

Millie Small, “My Boy Lollipop” (1964)
Lesser ska enthusiasts may start their essential list with Skatalites or Toots and the Maytals, but to truly understand ska you must begin with Jamaican singer Millie Small’s breakout debut. She transformed American doo-wop into ska as we know it and deserves a listen. I see your eyes glazing over already. What a pity. So much more to hear before I let you perish.

The Specials, “Specials” (1979)
This record kicked off second-wave ska, a wave that many consider the most essential in the genre. Listen closely as British punk mixes with Jamaican ska to create something entirely new. What’s that you say? This is worse than the iron maiden? I agree. Metal sucks.

Operation Ivy, “Energy” (1989)
Plead for death all you want. I won’t hear you. At least, not until you hear the first American ska band on this list, Operation Ivy. They only released one studio album. Despite this, its influence was huge across the genre and I found a copy that I can play at full blast. And yes, many say it sounds like shit. Sloppy trumpets and yelling about god knows what. That said, you should really give it a chance. Jesse Michaels screaming about “The Man” always gets my blood pumping.

Mighty Mighty Bosstones, “Let’s Face It” (1997)
Getting worse, isn’t it? Suffer. To a ska purist like me, little good can be said of Dicky Barrett’s lean into slick production and pop influences. Gone is the urgency and rebellious camaraderie of early ska, all to be replaced by catchy, vapid tunes. Alas, to know ska fully, you must know TMMB. “Let’s Face It,” indeed.

Streetlight Manifesto, “Everything Goes Numb” (2003)
Streetlight Manifesto’s debut album defines 2000s ska and for good reason. Bursting with energy, ideas, and a horn section to die for, they brought the genre into the new millennium where it thrives to this day.

So, we have arrived at the end of my list of essential ska. But now that you have lived through these five ska selections, I will put you out of your misery.

Straight Woman Technically Not Interested in Men Either

Posted on June 25, 2022 by Dom Turek

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — Local heterosexual Christine Gonzales was stumped midway through creating an online dating profile after the app asked her if she was interested in dating men, confirmed friends who are also questioning why they bother with men.

“It feels like a trick question,” said Gonzales, still unsure how to proceed with the prompt. “I don’t usually bring pepper spray and a miniature stun gun to something I’m ‘interested’ in, but here we are. The other day I actually Googled ‘cute tactical belts’ to help me carry my weapons on dates. I’d feel more comfortable if the app asked if I developed certain biological factors before birth that led me to identify as predominantly straight.”

Because “interested” is defined as showing curiosity or concern about something or someone, many straight women feel the phrase should be changed to something that better captures the abject disappointment of dating men.

“We see you, we hear you, and we’re working on it,” said Dorothy Young, marketing operations manager for a major dating app. “It’s hard for women to admit they’re interested in something that’s also their second leading cause of death. This is why we’re expanding our preference section to include more user-friendly choices for straight women like ‘interested in not being alone,’ ‘resigned to date men,’ and a third option that’s just a sad face.”

Men are responding to this perceived attack on their character by coming forward to assert themselves as compelling and multifaceted bachelors.

“How am I not interesting? I have way more hobbies than any girl I’ve ever met,” said James Brooks, swiping through his carefully curated Hinge profile of cars and freshwater fish. “If you don’t think catching an 18-pound largemouth bass with a six-foot trolling rod is interesting, maybe you deserve to be single. Next, you’re going to tell me you don’t want to see pictures of my boys’ weekend in Myrtle Beach. Whatever. No one on this app will ever measure up to my ex anyway.”

At press time, Gonzalez was seen desperately retaking the Kinsey scale test.

10 Amazing Fashion Finds From Goodwill That Should Have Gone to a Family In Need

Posted on June 25, 2022 by John Danek

Goodwill can be a goldmine of hidden fashion gems available to anyone on the cheap. You just need to be ok with the fact that you are robbing the neediest families of your community of possible supply. So if you’re willing to own up to the fact that you’re a dickhead for buying ironic clothes, here are our top choices.

Puffy Winter Jacket

There’s no better way to stay warm but look cool than with a puffer jacket. Just ask the shopper who has to tragically sleep in their car this winter in a windbreaker.

Prom Dress

Thrift stores are a haven for used prom dresses. Which makes it a cheap option for gag parties, silly photoshoots, and unfortunately, underprivileged teens in your area actually trying to go to their prom.

Puma Sneakers

There’s no better place to start your sneakerhead addiction than at the thrift shop. Catch the shoes of yesteryear before they become expensive classics! Or before they’re bought by a person who has to sleep under a highway overpass can.

Colorful Suit

You need a suit to destroy for your band’s next music video which will get 38 views on YouTube. Your elderly neighbor needs a suit for their one social event this month at the community center. Tough shit, they should have gotten there first.

High Heels

Wouldn’t it be so funny if you, a person who doesn’t normally wear high heels, wore high heels for Halloween? Even funnier if you bought them at Goodwill, then broke them because you have no idea how to wear them? Then get this: those high heels you bought were the most affordable chance for a woman in town to feel sexy on a first date but you stole that from her for a goof. Hilarious, right?

Christian Folk Album

For all of organized religion’s ills, it’s hard to discount that a sense of spirituality does provide a source of great comfort to some. If you buy a .50c spiritual vinyl record to make fun of on your meme Instagram account, keep in mind that it may have helped someone during their darkest days ahead.

Local Middle School Sports Hoodie

You weren’t a Bear and you’re not even really sure where this middle school is. But sure, you definitely need a ninth hoodie while some kid down the street still has none.

Mechanic’s Shirt With Some Random Dude’s Nickname On It

See, your nickname is not Bubba. No one has ever called you Bubba. And this shirt is rather ugly, which makes it hilarious. Slightly less hilarious is the knowledge that this could have gone to someone who has fewer shirts than you have silly hats.

Oxford Shoes

These shoes may have made the difference in the job interview of a lifetime, but you bought them as your 5th option to wear at your brother’s wedding because you can’t make a decision.

Sports Jerseys

There’s no better way to show your team spirit than to cosplay as another real human being on that team. Especially if you can get it from your neighborhood Goodwill, where a local mom would have had her only chance to buy her kid the jersey which goes for exorbitant prices new.

Liberals Vow to Put Signs in Front Yard Until Abortion Rights Restored

Posted on June 24, 2022 by Allegra Ringo

HYANNIS, Mass. — Self-identifying liberals across the country are choosing to fight back against the draconian Supreme Court decision restricting abortion rights by promising to display colorful lawn signs in support of women until rights are fully restored.

“This is a bridge too far. I can’t sit back and be silent anymore,“ said Samantha Turley, while rifling through her drawer to find her pussy hat and “I’m With Her” shirt. “I’m going all out. I’m talking bumper stickers, huge donations to the DNC, and my secret weapon; a lawn sign that says ‘In This House We Support Women.’ And that sucker will be prominently displayed every day when the wind is pretty calm. But that’s not all, I’m going to vote even harder than I’ve been voting this whole time, and I might even put something about it in my Twitter bio.”

Turley’s conservative neighbor, Jim Anaheim, believes that any liberal who doesn’t celebrate America at all times should leave it.

“I love this damn country and everything it stands for. The Supreme Court is a sacred institution and finally, they have some justices who recognize the correct way to interpret the Constitution,” Anaheim said, trying to hold back tears. “I loved it before and I love it more now that this basic human right has been stripped away. If you don’t want to live in a country where an ectopic pregnancy could kill you, and also so could a gun at any moment, then you should just take your yard signs and go to Communist Canada.”

Sociologist Dr. Sofia Zinn this decision by the conservative court has pushed more liberals to the brink than ever before.

“Only time will tell what they will do. We could see a record number of liberals posting selfies with ‘I Voted’ stickers in this year’s mid-terms,” said Dr. Zinn. “Although there is some precedent for this, which we saw after the 2016 election. These were people that claimed they wouldn’t tolerate a Trump presidency and marched in the streets once to prove it. Those of us old enough will recall that they even had those safety pins made, which were supposed to represent something. Many of my colleagues have even been wondering if we will soon see a movement to wear the same color shirt on the same day.”

At press time, Turley was seen cutting up her Black Lives Matter yard sign and putting it in the trash.

Republican Senator’s Mistress Too Busy Getting Abortion to Celebrate Big Win with Him

Posted on June 24, 2022 by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON – The much-younger girlfriend of a prominent Republican Senator is disappointed that she will be too busy having an abortion today to join the raucous celebrations her boyfriend would be hosting in honor of the Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade, confirmed sources who asked to remain anonymous.

“I’m fucking heartbroken about what happened today,” said the 23-year-old, whose sexagenarian boyfriend paid for her to get a safe abortion using mifepristone and misoprostol, while publicly lauding the six conservative Justices of the Supreme Court for denying access to healthcare for millions of Americans. “Not because I’m getting an abortion–that’s exactly what I wanted and I don’t regret it for a second. And not because of the ruling: I’ve got plenty of access to money so I’ll be able to get another abortion if I need one. But the celebratory orgies might be the wildest of the year. Chuck Grassley is everyone in the GOP’s hookup for cheap knockoff Viagra, and who knows how much longer he’ll even be alive. I’m sure he and Madison Cawthorn had something really special planned for tonight, and I’m just devastated that I can’t be a part of it.”

The Senator admitted he was sad his mistress couldn’t join him but was comforted by the fact many of his colleagues were in a similar position.

“This is why we just can’t trust women to make decisions about their own bodies,” he slurred, spilling drips from his glass of California champagne over his American flag lapel pin. “I carve out time in my busy schedule of meetings with oil executives and pharmaceutical companies to cum inside her after three to five thrusts several times a week. It’s called responsibility. If she were this careless with a less powerful man, she might be forced to raise this child, and from what I’ve heard parenthood ain’t getting any cheaper..”

Jade Needham, a representative for Planned Parenthood, said that the wives, girlfriends, and daughters of prominent Republicans were among the demographics most reliant on their abortion healthcare services.

“After today’s ruling we are all worried about what will happen to Planned Parenthood,” Needham said, stoic in her resolve. “But so many people who engage with powerful men need our services that it’d be practically impossible for us to close. Whether you get an STI from an insurrectionist or need emergency contraception after an encounter with Donald Trump, we’re determined to stay open and available to you. We may not get why you’re fucking these assholes, but we’ll still work to keep you safe.”

At press time, the Senator was seen asking Matt Gaetz to help him find someone else to enjoy the evening’s festivities with him.

Democratic Party Rushes to Open Additional Bank Accounts in Anticipation of New Fundraising Talking Points

Posted on June 24, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Leading members of the Democratic Party scrambled to open a slew of bank accounts to store the money they hope to raise from promising to act on abortion rights during the mid-term campaign season, confirmed excited Wells Fargo, Chase, and Bank of America representatives.

“Promising to deliver on abortion rights has been an absolute fucking cash cow for us. Every time we bring it up it’s like money rains from the sky,” said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. “We probably could have delivered actual legislation years ago that would have protected a woman’s right to choose, but there is an old saying in Washington ‘no cash when laws pass,’ so we just sort of played it by ear. We obviously disagree with today’s Supreme Court decision, but holy shit, someone call the Fed, because the real inflation is going to be in our bank account, baby.”

Women across the country are desperately trying to figure out the best way to maintain bodily autonomy without continuing to support inept politicians.

“I’ve identified as a Democrat for years because it’s the party that is kind of aligned with my values, but when I actually looked at what they stand for I realized they are a far-right party pretending to be progressive,” said 23-year-old Marla Lynch. “I want to elect politicians that will fight to make a change in this country, but every single Democrat that gets elected just says a bunch of horseshit and then they let the Republicans run the show.”

Political analysts say the abortion debate has been one of the biggest drivers of campaign fundraising on both sides of the aisle.

“The Republicans are going to take a hit here, but thankfully for them, they always have the gun control debate. Republicans will always be able to pound a Bible and say every American has the right to a gun and people will throw money at them,” said political scientist Ezra Howard. “Democrats on the other hand are about to cash in. For the past 50 years Dems have used Roe v. Wade as their own personal ATM, and now it will be like a Brinks truck exploded. Will they use that money to deliver on promises? No, absolutely not, but they might use it to get you a tax credit if you install solar panels.”

At press time, Nancy Pelosi announced that all the free pens the banks gave the Democratic Party for opening new accounts would be donated to local school teachers.

Slash’s Behind-the-Head Guitar Solo Actually Played by Hat

Posted on June 24, 2022 by Joanna McNaney Stein

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. — Legendary rock guitarist Slash performed his signature behind-the-head guitar solo at a Guns N’ Roses’ concert last weekend, which eyewitnesses claim was actually played by the enormous top hat he wears regularly.

“I’ve seen 18 Guns’ shows since ‘92, but that was wild,” confirmed superfan Marc Kelly while scrolling through hundreds of photos of the incident on his phone. “When I zoom in on this photo here, you can see what looks like little robot hands or something poking out of the back of his hat, but I guess they could be those silver buckle things…. I don’t know how he did that, but it wasn’t Slash shredding up there on ‘Paradise City,’ it was something else. Something… inhuman.”

“Either way it fuckin’ slayed though. GNFNRN-the hat!” he added.

Slash’s long-time dressing room attendant, Cindy Andersen, recalled Slash acting strangely before showtime.

“Well you didn’t hear this from me, but I was dropping off his leather boots as usual, when I saw him talking to that damn hat all quiet like he does sometimes, and waving one of those Swiss Army thingamabobs around,” Andersen stated. “He may have put down the booze years ago, but that man’s still got his demons, alright. And that’s not even counting Duff.”

Robotics Engineer, Dr. Bruce Byers, asserted that small robotic arms could play the electric guitar solo if installed and programmed properly.

“As we age, our shoulders have difficulty lifting without strain or even dislocation. Slash may have self-installed robotic arms in his headwear to handle the solo, or, like many artists of his caliber of fame, could have struck a deal with a malevolent force that can fingerpick. It happens all the time,” Beyers claimed. “If it were the latter, it would be best to have a professional do the installation in the future though, especially since several tricky circuits running at once near the metal band around the hat could create an explosion.”

At press time, the hat was overheard recording the orgasm sound bite in ‘Rocket Queen’ behind Slash’s back.

Photo courtesy of YouTube.

Wish It Was Cooler in Your House but Also That It Had More Bugs? Open a Window

Posted on June 24, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

As summer begins in earnest, many people are wondering how they can beat the heat; and also how to let more bugs into the house.

Temperatures are going up faster than the spiderwebs that already cover your windows, and a slight breeze from outside can be enough to fool oneself into thinking it makes any fucking difference. That’s why we recommend you open your window. Don’t worry about those webs either, the actual spiders are already inside.

Your friends with air conditioning already ditched your sweaty ass for the summer, but that’s okay. They never loved you anyway. Now you can not only cool off, but you can also hang out with flies, fire ants, hairy caterpillars, dragonflies, fruit flies, crickets, black widows, mosquitoes, gnats, horse flies, sand flies, wasps, flying cockroaches, bed bugs, ticks, termites, moths, beetles, and those gross little pincher ones. They are your friends now. And if you think your screen will keep them out, think again.

I hope you’re ready for a summer of seeing tiny masses skittering out of the corner of your eye, mistaking arm hair for spider legs, and wondering how many insects in your home are pregnant with more little antennas and thoraxes that will soon live hidden in your walls. You’ll be so preoccupied with all the bugs crawling over you and your stuff that you’ll simply forget to be hot!

And if you’re looking for something to do with your window open, why not reorganize that paperwork that the wind blew all over the place? The roaches are already under everything you own, so why not put them to work? Maybe it’s a good time to watch that silent movie you’ve been wanting to see because you won’t hear any dialogue over that loud-ass street noise. Plus the bugs will also get a kick out of it since a TV is basically a big square light bulb.

The best part is not only can you get rid of your air conditioner, but you can also toss out the vacuum too. The bugs will just naturally eat any crumbs off the floor for you. Roommates that clean? You can’t beat that!

Woman Asks Guy Wearing “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like” T-Shirt to Name Three Feminists

Posted on June 24, 2022 by Khadija Hassan

MEMPHIS — Local artisanal oil maker Lacy Timber demanded that a man wearing a “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt name three feminists on the spot, sources who aren’t posers confirmed.

“I encourage everyone to contribute to this scene, but I could tell just by looking at him that he probably got that shirt from his older sister and is now using it to get into the scene,” Timber recalled, of the shirt seen worn at a local anti-deportation rally. “He only knows the super well-known feminists like Angela Davis and he named Rebecca Solnit but her ‘Men Explain Things To Me’ blog was huge, so that’s a no-brainer. He couldn’t even name a third one and probably couldn’t name any 16th to 18th-century feminists, but he’s kind of hot in a dumb guy kind of way.”

Timber’s best friend Mary Heller adjusted her pussy hat while commenting in support of Timber.

“He didn’t even think of Hillary Clinton and she was just on the chopping block,” said Heller. “Honestly, men would rather wear a feminist T-shirt rather than work on their patriarchy through therapy, am I right? We were trying to educate him and have a conversation with him but he kept running behind the booths. It just goes to show that if you confront these kinds of posers, their true self comes to light.”

A local organizer at the demo, Slade Christianson, begged to differ.

“Yeah, I don’t know who those people are, but Adam [Flaust] has been volunteering at every demo event for the past four years that I’ve been a part of organizing it. He might have been here before me,” Christianson explained. “They’re berating a volunteer at a deportation demo. It reminds me of Patricia Hill Collins’ Matrix of Domination theory where we are all in the position of oppressor and oppressed depending on the context. At this moment, they seem oddly oppressive and just generally weird.”

At press time, Timber sent suggested reading materials to multiple members of the press as a means of “sharing some important information.”

Back in My Day, We Toured Year Round Because We Were Shitty Dads

Posted on June 24, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

I was looking at tour dates for one of those younger up-and-coming bands and I couldn’t help but notice that their tour was broken into a number of different legs. What are they even doing on those breaks? Spending time with their families? Maybe I’m just an old fuddy-duddy but that just doesn’t seem very rock n’ roll to me. When I was a young wild hog chasing the glory, we never fucking stopped. We toured year-round because we were shitty dads and I never felt more alive.

Nowadays I see all these wannabe rockstars going out on month-long tours, but that’s not how we used to do it. Back in my day, we redlined as many credit cards we could get our hands on, blew coke through the burnouts, got sent to the hospital out of state after starting fist fights in dive-bar parking lots, and sent the bills to our home address. And that would be the most correspondence we’d have with our families that year.

I’m not saying that kids these days are taking the easy way out, but I feel like they’re missing out on some of the best years of their life by not totally abandoning their responsibilities for months on end. Eventually, they’ll come home for another stint at rehab before going out and doing it all again. At first, I was so proud to see that my own son followed in my footsteps as a working musician. That is until I noticed how he was also balancing his time at home and on the road. He’s worrying about soccer practice instead of hanging out in a stranger’s hotel room at 3 a.m. like a real musician. For fuck’s sake, if family means so much to him, then how come he never calls his old man?