Courteous Singer Says “Guitar” Before Guitar Solo

Posted on by Charles Bill

DETROIT — Lead singer James Scott of punk band Dante’s Inferno takes time out of his busy schedule to shout “guitar” before each guitar solo out of courteousness, multiple informed sources reported.

“It’s just the right thing to do,” said Scott. “I’ve listened to dozens of songs where a guitar solo will come out of nowhere, and every single time it surprises and scares the shit out of me. Our listeners may not be ready for a guitar solo with no preparation. We need to ease them into the tasty licks and face-shredding riffs, otherwise they might go into shock. My uncle died of a heart attack when he didn’t expect the solo from ‘Hot for Teacher’ so I made it my life’s work to never let that happen again. Really it’s just manners though.”

Some members of the band did not share Scott’s enthusiasm for announcing guitar solos.

“He’s even started yelling ‘outro!’ towards the end of songs,” said beleaguered Dante’s Inferno guitarist DaVarius Wynne. “I think he is trying to Pavlovian condition me. Every rehearsal we have he will say ‘guitar’ before I solo, and then tries to give me a treat like a chocolate bar or Olde English afterward. I’m getting pretty fucking sick of it. I know when to play guitar, it’s like my entire job. I don’t stand there and constantly scream ‘singing!’ while he is hitting high notes. At a show last week, I was shredding a solo, and he leans into the mic and says ‘guitar continues’ like 10 seconds into my part. It threw me off my game so hard.”

The gentlemanly introduction to guitar solos seems to be the start of a trend in the music industry.

“We are going to start introducing every sound in a song. Like subtitles that you can hear,” said super producer Rick Rock. “It’s time we make music for the hearing impaired explaining exactly what they’re listening to at any given moment. Dante’s Inferno made a good start by not letting a guitar solo go unannounced. We will follow their example by supporting audio descriptions for all of our music going forward, and even working on it for our back catalog. We think Beethoven’s music will be much more enjoyable when people know exactly what instrument is playing at all times. Harpsichord!”

At press time, Scott was announcing each chord that Wynne was playing before giving play-by-play of him smashing his guitar in frustration.

“Good Artists Borrow, Great Artists Steal” Whispers Man Before Mugging Tom Morello

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Untalented ne’er-do-well Tyler Buckley reportedly muttered a quote attributed to Pablo Picasso before sticking up Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, inspired sources confirmed.

“Whether it be the Beatles ripping off Little Richard or Bernie Madoff ripping off Kevin Bacon, it’s well known that all great artists steal. So when I saw Tom Morello fumbling for change at a parking meter, I knew that this moment, more so than starting a band or even touching a guitar, was going to be my ticket to stardom,” said Buckley. “I was pretty nervous, but then I remembered a quote said by either Henri Matisse or Sickie Wifebeater of the Mentors. ‘Creativity takes courage.’ And then that’s when I whipped out my boxcutter and yelled at him to empty his fucking pockets.”

Morello later recounted the horrible ordeal to the police.

“I just got out of a meeting with my financial advisor when this lunatic accosted me, demanding my wallet and a selfie,” said Morello while on hold with American Express to cancel his Black Card. “I’d hope that would be the end of it. But after threatening my life, he turned around briefly, then turned back and started addressing me as if I was a peer. I tried walking down the street but he tailed along and kept asking me if I wanted to go play a set at the Viper Room with the Hollywood Vampires. I don’t even think that place is open anymore.”

According to some experts, wannabe rock stars like Buckley are more often than not becoming the norm in the industry.

“I’m not sure if it’s a lack of critical thinking or shorter attention spans, but the majority of my students think that ‘breaking in’ to the music industry is meant to be taken literally,” explained music teacher Moshe Stewart. “And while yes, it is true that pretty much every major rock star of the past 50 years has committed crimes so heinous that they’d make even the most hardened special victims detectives spew chunks, I promise you, the musical talent has to be there before you can get away with all that stuff.”

At press time, Buckley was last seen whispering “art is never finished, only abandoned” to his kids before going out for milk and never returning.

I’m Sorry, You’re Charging How Much for Dirty Deeds Now?!

Posted on by James Knapp

What in the actual dad-rock fuck is this shit?! I make my way all the way downtown (on a Thursday!) just to order a few dirty deeds for nostalgia purposes and you’re charging how the fuck much?! This is outrageous!

Back in my day, we could get a dozen dirty deeds done and still have money left for the malt shop for what you’re charging now. This is highway robbery, which ironically is one of the deeds I was planning to procure today.

Who do you even think is going to pay that much just for a couple of hit jobs? I deserve to have my capable violence offered at a price that not just the Richie Richs of the world can afford. I’m on a fixed income for Christ’s sake, but that don’t mean I don’t got no dirty deeds don’t need doing.

I bet you won’t even get those deeds done dirty enough. Just one look at your whole slapdash operation and your vacant, glazed-over millennial face and I can tell you’re gonna phone in the whole dirt part, and probably a fair amount of the deed as well. No one wants to work anymore!

People used to take pride in the work they did, whether you were a plumber, a shoe shiner or a criminal impresario. But now it seems everyone is just looking for a hand out as opposed to a boot to the face – I really did kick that shoe kid pretty hard, but hey them’s the breaks.

You know what, I actually don’t think I do need any dirty deeds after all. Your prices, as well as your general attitude and the fact that my blood pressure is spiking has turned me off of the whole thing. But of course I still expect you to validate my parking. Good day, fuckface.

Cool-Looking Synthesizer Unfortunately the Kind That’s Tough to Figure Out

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Disappointed members of electro-punk outfit Lilypad Lads were sad to discover that their newly purchased vintage synthesizer was extremely difficult to use, stupefied sources confirmed.

“It just looked so badass, with all the different knobs and fancy patch cords and stuff. I didn’t know that it wasn’t the type of thing you could just turn on and start playing like a Casio. There’s a whole scientific aspect to modular synthesis that I clearly wasn’t ready for. Maybe they offer a class at the community college?” said Lilypad Lads lead keyboardist Larry Linzer. “I guess I shouldn’t have been so hasty in tossing the user manual in the trash. If anybody knows what ‘oscillator’ or ‘sine wave’ means, please hit me up, because I’d love to start using this godforsaken behemoth.”

Other band members shared Linzer’s crestfallen attitude after having their hopes dashed by the synth.

“I got pretty excited when I heard it making sounds from the other room, kind of a cross between a mortar blast and a hyena howl. But, then I went in there to find that no one was playing it, and it was just the noise it makes when the power adapter isn’t in all the way.” said drummer Lemmy Lornstein. “I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a few years before we figure out how to get anything tonal out of this thing. But you gotta admit, it looks so rad. Straight out of Mutato Muzika. I’ll be putting still images of this on Instagram starting tomorrow.”

NASA scientist Orson Florence reports that analog synthesizer unusability is a problem his team is hard at work on.

“We’ve got a whole wing of the administration sweating round the clock over it. The question of ‘why are the cool-looking retro synths the toughest ones to figure out’ is one that’s plagued mankind ever since Bob Moog burst onto the scene,” said Florence gravely. “The higher knob number makes it look more futuristic, thus badass, but at the cost of knowing what the hell is going on with it, functionally.”

“Much like a pet store might advise against the adoption of a dog one doesn’t have the means to take care of,” Florence cautioned. “We here at NASA must warn novice musicians not to bite off more than they can chew in the synth department. Leave that to the professionals.”

At press time, the Lilypad Lads found that the new synth was even hard to use as a coffee table, as it doesn’t have adequate space for setting down mugs.

Review: Knapsack “Silver Sweepstakes”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from punk history. This week we reviewed Knapsack’s landmark emo masterpiece “Silver Sweepstakes” because Rebecca left us again.

And yes, we did say “again.” Not that it really matters anymore – particularly as we have the hyper-depressed caterwauling of Blair Shehan to comfort while she goes to stay at her mom’s house for a couple of weeks. Hey, at least she took the kids with her this time.

This debut record from the ‘90s emo pioneers has gotten a lot of sadsacks through their sad crap. It certainly was that way for us the first time Rebecca changed all of the locks and threw our vintage band shirts all over the lawn. Do you think Elliot shirts just go on trees? I can tell you, they don’t. At this point, however, it’s more like comfort food for us. This will all be over soon, and then we’ll get our shirts back.

Back when it was new this album used to make us want to lay in bed all day, softly sobbing into a heap of plush blankets. Now, we just want to see if GrubHub will deliver to our bedroom but only so we don’t have to bother putting on pants.

Now that we think of it, “Silver Sweepstakes” might have been the only record we really come back to every time this happens. We wonder if there’s some kind of a connection there or if this album just really slaps that hard that it works in this context every time. Whatever, we’re not gonna bother calling again.

So Knapsack is pretty cool. It’s maybe not an ideal situation going on now as Rebecca has also blocked our phone numbers, including the secret one we thought she didn’t know about. But in any case, can someone out there try to get our shirts back?

SCORE: 7 out of 10 restraining orders

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The Weekly Scene Report: February 18

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

It’s the end of the week, which means you still have time to kick back and catch up on the most important stories you missed in the scene over the last seven days.

Help! I Started Masturbating to Baroness Album Covers and Now I Can’t Get Off Without Layered Symbolic Imagery

Read the full story here.

10 Bands That Are Now Classic Rock, Proving You Are Old as Hell

Read the full story here.

Philly Dad Passes Down His Father’s Throwing Batteries for Son to Use at Super Bowl

Read the full story here.

Pop-Punk Frontman Sneaks Girlfriend into R-Rated Movie For Valentine’s Day

Read the full story here.

George Santos Empathizes With Shooting Victims As Someone Who Died in Columbine

Read the full story here.

DJ Under Impression No One Can Tell He’s Playing Rollercoaster Tycoon up There

Read the full story here.

So You’re the Only Dog at a House Party: 5 Ways To Escape Socially Awkward Losers

Read the full story here.

Future Punk? My Daughter Just Covered a Wall With Stickers Then Threw Up

Read the full story here.

Opinion: King Diamond Would Be Much Prettier if He’d Just Paint His Face Into a Smile

Read the full story here.

Bassist Misses Entire Set to Avoid Disturbing Cat That Settled in on Lap

Read the full story here.

Mark Wahlberg Promotes New Restaurant by Kicking The Shit Out of Some Guy In Parking Lot

Read the full story here.

Punk Running Out of Social Distortion Records to Play While Hanging Out With Mechanic Neighbor

Posted on by Dave McNamara

QUINCY, Mass. — Local punk Jimmy Herrera is worried about his lack of Social Distortion records to play in an effort to impress his mechanic neighbor Ron Davis while they are hanging out, sources confirmed.

“I invited him as a gesture after he helped me fix a flat on the van,” stated Hererra. “Everything was going great at first. We drank a couple of beers and listened to ‘Live at the Roxy.’ He seemed to really be digging it, which was great because I need to get someone to fix our van’s alternator on the cheap. But after the third spin, it started to get a little awkward. I had to think of something else I could play but could only come up with that 1980s ZZ Top record I use as a coke tray at parties. ”

Davis, a longtime auto mechanic, runs a three-bay garage and has been dealing with strangers assuming he likes a very specific type of music for much of his professional life.

“Yeah, I like Social D as much as the next guy, but that’s not all I listen to,” said Davis, while unscrewing an oil filter from a 2005 VW Jetta. “I’m actually really into jazz and early blues. I’ve read a ton about the Great Migration and its impact on American popular music. But whenever someone learns that I’m a mechanic they throw on a Ted Nugent record and start talking about how much of a pain it is to replace their wiper blades. It’s a little insulting, to be honest.”

Dr. Joan Halifax, head of the Cultural Anthropology department at Stanford University, has written extensively about the difficulty American social classes have in interacting with one another.

“When we think of class in America, we often picture income or education,” said Halifax. “But in actuality, it really comes down to values and who we share them with. For instance, if one type of person really values hard work and traditional ideas of masculinity, it can be difficult for them to connect with someone who likes to bang poppers behind dumpsters at VFW shows and has literally stolen all of the silverware they own from Waffle Houses. When one party is part of a national labor union and the other has been in a band called Whiskey Dick for the last fifteen years, the chasm can be nearly impossible to overcome.”

Hererra has since gone on to purchase three new Molly Hatchet records from the local Goodwill in hopes of getting his band’s tour van a valid inspection sticker from Davis to replace their counterfeit one.

Opinion: Starving Kids in China Should Be More Grateful for All That Broccoli I Finished

Posted on by Mike Moran

World hunger is something my mother made sure I was educated on from a young age. With one simple instruction, she would sum up the problem, solution, and geographical focus of this urgent matter. “Finish your broccoli,” she would say. There are hungry kids in China.” Well China, I’ve done my part. Now, how about a little acknowledgment?

Look, I’m not saying I need one of them dragon parades or whatever, because in a strange way, saving human lives is almost a reward in and of itself. Almost. But the fact is, to this day I’ve never received a single thank you letter, iPhone, or pair of Nikes. And yet we can’t seem to applaud enough for some guy who stood in front of a tank. Unless he was munching away on a broccoli stalk at the time, I don’t want to hear it.

Even now, I force my children to always finish the cans of broccoli in our cabinet, no matter how far past the expiration date they are. And trust me, with something as disgusting as broccoli, it’s easy to let it go bad. Do you know how hard it is to eat that crap, youths of China? Apparently not, assuming my Mom was correct in her concerns about you folks.

I’m not asking for much, China. I would just like a single “thank you” from all of your children, collectively at once. I’m confident you can pull it off. I watched the opening of the Beijing Olypics.

Local Woman Folds Laundry During Live Podcast Taping

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local podcast enthusiast Megan Castillo was seen casually folding a hamper full of freshly dried laundry during a live taping of her favorite true-crime show “My Own Worst Nightmare” at the Chicago Theater late Tuesday night, attendees who wish they had thought of that report.

“It is all about recreating the experience of listening to the show at home,” said Castillo while expertly folding a fitted sheet from the balcony area. “Since I thought it would be rude to run my vacuum in the theater I figured I’d bang out some of the more quiet chores on my list. I even purchased the seats on either side of me so I can have a to-do pile and a done pile just like at home. I only wish the show wasn’t ages eighteen and up or I would have brought my toddler along to interrupt the show every ten minutes because I can’t handle this nonstop pace.”

Leo Nash, one of the hosts of “My Own Worst Nightmare,” also took notice of what Castillo was doing.

“I am not going to lie, I’ve dealt with hecklers before but seeing a person just stand up and start doing their laundry really threw me off my game,” host Nash said between the recordings of his five different podcasts. “We try to do these live events to give our audience something different than what they get on their phones, but that doesn’t seem to be what the people want. I have to get used to the fact that some people in the audience will zone out and do other tasks while listening to us. We’ve also thought about lining the front of the stage with treadmills and stationary bikes for the fitness freaks who listen to us.”

Dr. Sonja Holloway PhD, professor of New Media Studies at DePaul University explains this is a very common occurrence.

“When hosts do live shows they are going to have to be prepared to see people in their audience chop vegetables, do dishes, or even put on eye masks and go to sleep,” Dr. Holloway said while “Pod Save America” played softly in the background. “This isn’t a piece of music with which you are emotionally connected or a movie whose plot you have to which you have to pay attention. This is an altogether new medium that is meant to be consumed casually and half-heartedly while you do meaningless tasks.”

As of press time, Castillo had reached out to the hosts asking if next time they can talk at 1.5x speed.

11 Reasons To Start a Band Instead of Going to Therapy

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

There are millions of happy, self-actualized people out there using BetterHelp, TalkSpace, or immersion therapy in some sparsely-decorated office next to a failing pizza parlor. Don’t do that. If you’re an artist, going to therapy is literal sabotage.  Here are 11 reasons to harness your psycho-emotional chaos and channel it into something healthy like a band.

Happy People Make Boring Art

Happy people may have smiles and boundaries andcoping mechanisms, but they contribute absolutely nothing artistic to our culture! As a creative type, it’s your job to make trauma-inspired art that only a few dozen of the most-depressed people in the world know exists!

Instruments Make You Look Cool

Have you ever seen a motherfucker on some glockenspiel shit? Real fuckin’ cool, but the only thing cooler than holding an instrument in your band’s promo shot is holding an instrument in your band’s promo shot and looking like you are absolutely at your wit’s end and could snap into a psychotic rage or cry yourself to sleep at any moment.

Playing Without Ear Plugs Will Make It Harder To Hear Intensely Personal Criticisms

Shows in Midwest dive bars can give you tinnitus and hearing loss after just a few hours, which is great news if you’re having interpersonal relationship issues! The more times you skip the ear plugs, the harder it will be to be told that you’re an unreliable partner and using music to bury unacknowledged trauma!

The Band Will Help You Finally Get Your Substance Abuse Problems Under Control

Everyone knows there’s no room for drugs and alcohol at the top of Music Mountain. You think Bon Jovi did wine? Think again. And then consider how much your non-musical dad drinks. Playing in a band is the only way you will finally get sober.

Therapists Don’t Come To Shows Even When They Promise They Will This Time

I’ve seen too many hopeful young musicians burned by this. Yes, your therapist is proud of your emotional breakthrough. No, they do not actually want to see you sweep picking over blast beats at a bar by the railroad tracks even if they say they’ll think about it.

Band Practice is Instagrammable

Nothing is better for your Instagram story than a couple good posts from band practice. Besides, we all know why we have social media accounts in the first place: to find a better drummer while blocking out the leering specter of death and eternal nothingness that follows.

Emotions Aren’t Real

Therapy was invented by the Illuminati to make people feel inferior and to take their money, but I won’t fall for it because I’m 32 and haven’t felt anything for years.

Bandmates Are Family

When the band gets to know your real personality, they’ll hate you just as much as your regular family. At least they won’t harass you about getting a real job!

Therapy Is Not Free

Therapists are doing it for the money. They want you to have insurance and some bullshit called a copay. Meanwhile, haphazardly making noise with your problematic friends in a condemned building is totally free.

Groupies

Bands have groupies, and those sexy men and women exist to have meaningless, anonymous sex with fans after shows. I guarantee you that your therapist will have some long, boring speech about boundaries and self-respect if you try to kiss them.

Existence Is Temporary

One day, the sun will burn out and all life on Earth will vanish in an instant! And then, no one will ever care that you were even worse at expressing yourself than you were at managing your emotions!