There are millions of happy, self-actualized people out there using BetterHelp, TalkSpace, or immersion therapy in some sparsely-decorated office next to a failing pizza parlor. Don’t do that. If you’re an artist, going to therapy is literal sabotage. Here are 11 reasons to harness your psycho-emotional chaos and channel it into something healthy like a band.
Happy People Make Boring Art
Happy people may have smiles and boundaries andcoping mechanisms, but they contribute absolutely nothing artistic to our culture! As a creative type, it’s your job to make trauma-inspired art that only a few dozen of the most-depressed people in the world know exists!
Instruments Make You Look Cool
Have you ever seen a motherfucker on some glockenspiel shit? Real fuckin’ cool, but the only thing cooler than holding an instrument in your band’s promo shot is holding an instrument in your band’s promo shot and looking like you are absolutely at your wit’s end and could snap into a psychotic rage or cry yourself to sleep at any moment.
Playing Without Ear Plugs Will Make It Harder To Hear Intensely Personal Criticisms
Shows in Midwest dive bars can give you tinnitus and hearing loss after just a few hours, which is great news if you’re having interpersonal relationship issues! The more times you skip the ear plugs, the harder it will be to be told that you’re an unreliable partner and using music to bury unacknowledged trauma!
The Band Will Help You Finally Get Your Substance Abuse Problems Under Control
Everyone knows there’s no room for drugs and alcohol at the top of Music Mountain. You think Bon Jovi did wine? Think again. And then consider how much your non-musical dad drinks. Playing in a band is the only way you will finally get sober.
Therapists Don’t Come To Shows Even When They Promise They Will This Time
I’ve seen too many hopeful young musicians burned by this. Yes, your therapist is proud of your emotional breakthrough. No, they do not actually want to see you sweep picking over blast beats at a bar by the railroad tracks even if they say they’ll think about it.
Band Practice is Instagrammable
Nothing is better for your Instagram story than a couple good posts from band practice. Besides, we all know why we have social media accounts in the first place: to find a better drummer while blocking out the leering specter of death and eternal nothingness that follows.
Emotions Aren’t Real
Therapy was invented by the Illuminati to make people feel inferior and to take their money, but I won’t fall for it because I’m 32 and haven’t felt anything for years.
Bandmates Are Family
When the band gets to know your real personality, they’ll hate you just as much as your regular family. At least they won’t harass you about getting a real job!
Therapy Is Not Free
Therapists are doing it for the money. They want you to have insurance and some bullshit called a copay. Meanwhile, haphazardly making noise with your problematic friends in a condemned building is totally free.
Bands have groupies, and those sexy men and women exist to have meaningless, anonymous sex with fans after shows. I guarantee you that your therapist will have some long, boring speech about boundaries and self-respect if you try to kiss them.
Existence Is Temporary
One day, the sun will burn out and all life on Earth will vanish in an instant! And then, no one will ever care that you were even worse at expressing yourself than you were at managing your emotions!