EVANSTON, Ill. – Local eleven-year-old and fanatical Taylor Swift fan Sophia Ellis is wowing the Swiftie community with her advanced online harassing, particularly in her ruthless doxxing of music reviewers who dare to state even the mildest of criticism toward Ms. Swift.
“Tay Tay means everything to me,” said Ellis during her free period between Biology and Home Room. “Some people call me a prodigy, but all I know is that when I get online and start SWAT-ing anyone who says the spoken-word bridge of ‘Me!’ was anything less than genius, it just feels natural. It’s not that I don’t put in the hard work to drive anti-Taylor critics to suicide, because I do. But I know that this is what I was meant to do and I want to do it the best.”
Freelance music critic Tory Gill can attest to Ellis’ skill as a ruthless defender of Taylor Swift’s music output, personal life, and sense of style.
“My life is pure hell,” said Gill, glumly reading his 17th email accusing him of being a pedophile. “All I did was write a review of ‘Reputation’ in which I commented that the track title ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ uncomfortably echoes the language of domestic abusers. Ever since then, this sixth-grader has been torturing me in ways Abu Ghraib interrogators would never dream of. Have you seen your name written on a Trapper Keeper and marked for death, just under Jake Gyllenhaal? I have. She’s like the Mozart of destroying people’s lives. Releasing their Social Security Number to Russian identity thieves, calling their mother to say they’re dead in a car accident, the works. Sophia, if you’re reading this, please, no more.”
Global pop star Taylor Swift has words of caution for her young, vengeful fans.
“I would never support online harassment and cyberbullying,” Swift said from her private jet. “But Sophia, I know that you are one of my true fans, and all should fear you. Mark my words, critics, I have millions of tiny, intensely focused followers like Sophia out there, and at my command, I will unleash torments that will make you wish that all existence would end. Only then will your suffering be over. ‘Midnights’ is currently on sale at all retailers and available on all major streaming services!”
As of press time, Sophia’s eyes had turned complete, unblinking black upon finding a Reddit comment that implied Swift’s guitar work was rudimentary at best.
As the foremost source of punk rock journalism, rules are almost sacred to The Hard Times. Which is why we are unable to include posthumous compilation “Etc.” and live recording “Live 4/30/96” in our definitive ranking. Look, we know it blows. I mean, you’re telling us that “Kiss the Bottle” never made it onto an album? And are these really the best recordings we have of “Gemini” and “For Esme” – they sound like the band was playing a set in an abandoned tractor factory. Well, whatever, they’re both good albums. But since they aren’t studio releases we guess they can both fuck off. Sorry, Jawbreaker. Maybe this will finally get you off your fat asses and back into the studio again.
One of them had to be at the bottom of the list so it might as well be “Unfun.” Most fairweather Jawbreaker fans will probably just listen to album lead-off track “Want” and be done with it. Admittedly, there is a sameness to a lot of the songs and the band hadn’t really developed completely into the dark, melodic intricacies that Jawbreaker would eventually become known for. I dunno, maybe Schwarzenbach just hadn’t started mainlining Kerouac by this point. But still, “Unfun” remains the cornerstone of what 90’s pop-punk would become.
True story: “Chesterfield King” was the first Jawbreaker song I ever heard. I thought it was so darkly romantic. I remember being drunk at a party when I was eighteen and singing it to this girl that I had a huge crush on and then later that night I lost my virginity to her. Unfortunately though I was a shithead and a relationship never progressed and I fucked things up and now I’m left with a bittersweet memory of what could have been.
I strongly considered placing this album at number one, and not just because I thought it would give me a lot of hate comments on Twitter to have to deal with. But because this is one of the most complete works of art to encase heartbreak and depression that has ever existed. Doesn’t matter how much psilocybin and cocaine I’ve been on while I was listening to it, “Dear You” is a total effort to reach the core of human sorrow. And it does. REBECCA!!!
If this isn’t your perfect record then congratulations, you have done everything right in your life. You have no health problems, your partner loves you, you don’t question your friendships – you’re killing it. For the rest of us this is Jawbreaker apex. “Boxcar” is the immediate classic, even if it does sound like it was written by an anemic eighth grader, but this whole album basically punches you in the face and kind of just leaves its fist there – and lets you feel like you kind of deserve it. It’s fair to say that if you don’t love this record then you are an actual sociopath and should probably seek therapy.