You’ve survived another holiday and spent the entire week scouring the internet for deals on things you otherwise wouldn’t think to buy on a normal day. While your retail therapy provided you with a high you never thought would wane, you find yourself staring into the Ultra-HD void of your new TV and feeling absolutely nothing. This is because material objects will never make up for the fact that your life is duller than a plastic takeout knife. Before you consider doing something drastic like reading a book or attending a singles mixer, you might want to consider music.
Music has been proven to increase both dopamine and serotonin levels in the brain, while simultaneously giving listeners the illusion of having a fully formed personality. Thanks to most art forms being commodified to the point of total irrelevancy, it’s also one of the cheapest things to get into. Because we know picking what to listen to is overwhelming, we’ve taken the time to compile ten tracks to get you out of your seemingly insurmountable rut. (Listen along to the full playlist)
Van Dale “Frosty”
If you’ve been finding yourself wondering why Christmas music isn’t more fucked up and terrifying, there’s a good chance you haven’t heard Van Dale’s latest foray into the genre. The mysterious Ohio trio quietly released their newest LP ‘Dale Xmas’ last week, and it’s filled with fuzzed-out reimaginings of Christmas classics, including quite possibly the most disorienting version of ‘Frosty the Snowman’ ever put to tape. This is saying something considering how horrifying the actual recording is when you really sit down to consider the reality of the carol’s story. Those who enjoy whimsy and think the Flaming Lips Christmas album isn’t weird enough are sure to find an instant classic here.
Minor Threat “Filler – Out of Step Outtake”
You’ve long told your friends that you’ve heard every single Minor Threat recording in existence, often while making fun of them for their shirt. Now, thanks to a newly released EP of studio outtakes from the ‘Out of Step’ sessions, your pals finally know how much of a fucking liar you really are. Released in celebration of ‘Out of Step’s 40th anniversary, the three-song EP features two earlier Minor Threat songs fully fleshed out with the added second guitar of Brian Baker, as well as an unreleased instrumental. So you can quickly recover your clout, Dischord Records has released all three tracks on a fancy clear 7-inch. It’s the perfect stocking stuffer for yourself, or your most insufferable friend.
Omar Rodríguez-López “Your Own Worst Enemy”
Prolific to a near-fault, Omar Rodríguez-López’s recorded output is as massive as it is criminally overlooked. Recently, he announced the impending release of a staggering 57-LP box set containing all of his studio efforts since he began recording in 2004. At least one of the albums featured, ‘Is It the Clouds?’ has never been released. From that album, Rodríguez-López has released the folk-pop single ‘Your Own Worst Enemy.’ Clocking in at under three minutes, it almost feels like a miniscule offering from the performer’s typically verbose efforts. It’s all made perfectly satiating when the beat drops and the chorus hook drills its way into your brain.
Militarie Gun “Never Fucked Up Twice (feat. Bully)”/“Very High (Under the Sun)”
Oft branded as one of the most exciting post-hardcore bands to hit the scene in years, Militarie Gun can more accurately be described as genre-less. Nowhere is this more evident than on the newly reimagined tracks from their sophomore album ‘Life Under the Gun.’ ‘Never Fucked Up Twice’ offers a blissed-out chillwave arrangement that is bolstered by a feature from contemporaries Bully, whereas ‘Very High (Under the Sun)’ chisels the original’s scream-along hooks down to a bare-bones whisper. What’s revealed as the layers peel back is a band that can not only kick your chest in, but lull you to sleep before you take your final breath in the pit.
It’s finally December, which means many of us are looking back on another wasted year wondering where it all went wrong. Many streaming services make this process easier by compiling users’ yearly listening histories and packaging them into convenient and concise infographics. It’s a great way to make corporate data mining feel fun and, most importantly, lets us know which friends to mercilessly roast for having Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” in their top five songs for the fifth consecutive year in a row. To build camaraderie as well as figure out who to boot from the organization, we asked – read, forced – our entire staff to share screenshots of their year-end lists. Here are a few of the highlights.
King Krule “Out Getting Ribs”
Good God, someone’s fucking pretentious. For those who don’t know or simply aren’t cool enough, King Krule – aka Archie Marshall – burst onto the UK indie scene as a bit of a wunderkind. His jazz/hip hop influenced sound coupled with his terrifyingly unique voice made him an instant hero to insufferable hipsters around the world. His songs are pretty good too. Judging that this track – which rides high in our writer’s top songs of the year – is from his debut album, he has entered the esteemed halls of “their earlier stuff was waaaay better” artists.
Weezer “Longtime Sunshine”
This is such a deep cut that we’re pretty sure the intern who had this in his ‘Wrapped’ list played it on repeat the entire night before the results dropped to hide the fact that his actual favorite Weezer song is ‘A Little Bit of Love.’ It’s a common tactic and we see straight through it. There’s no shame in liking a bit of trash Weezer, but unbeknownst to many naive fools like our dear intern, being a loud ‘Pinkerton’ fan is somehow even more annoying.
Ghost “Jesus He Knows Me”
There’s nothing quite as unforgivable as a ’90s era Phil Collins-led Genesis track. Some would argue the only thing worse is Ghost covering a ’90s era Phil Collins led Genesis track, which is exactly what they did on this year’s EP ‘Phantomime.’ It’s honestly not a bad effort and its accompanying video is a pretty fun affair. Still, upon its release our Managing Editor called the EP a shameless cash grab while burning one of her hundreds of Ghost tour tees in the office. Based on the extremely high ranking of this track on her playlist, we’re pretty sure this display was all in a futile effort to garner clout and intimidate our interns further into submission.
100 Gecs “Hollywood Baby”
One of our writers spent the majority of the year claiming they didn’t ‘get the hype’ surrounding the freak-pop duo 100 Gecs. According to them, those belonging to the Gec fandom are just people who are too ‘chickenshit’ to admit that Limp Bizkit is the greatest band of all time. Well, well, well unnamed writer, the day of reckoning is upon you now! No matter how many times you say this song only ranked so high because of how much research you needed to do to make fun of them, we know the truth. Just accept it like the rest of us and be happy for once.
Big Thief “Simulation Swarm”
As part of our Mental Health Service Package, any employee who is caught listening to any single Big Thief song more than 10 times in a fiscal week is immediately recommended for crisis counseling. According to our staff’s user data, he has listened to this song exclusively a staggering 657 times this month alone. While we can’t blame them due to the song’s hypnotic guitars and cryptic lyrics that beg for maddening analysis, it is our duty to inquire and investigate their well-being. Turns out he’s totally fine, but we’ve been extra nice to him this week as a precautionary measure.
Listen to the ever-evolving playlist:
New Jersey’s pride and joy, rock and roll for your party and soul, absolutely put the “man” in “manthem” with their anthemic punk rock tunes over the course of their illustrious career that started in the late-80s. The Garden State natives released two full-lengths for Rise Records in the 2010s, this one, “Simplicity” being their last RR LP. The Bouncing Souls went back to their 90s/00s roots for this one, which makes sense as they were mid-tier Epitaph ’90s punk rock acts, and just got better with age. Working with John Seymour, who previously produced the band’s all killer no filler records “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” and “Anchors Away” was a smart move, and Mr. Seymour successfully and succinctly made this an all protein and no carbs effort. It’s up to us and now you to spread the gospel of “Simplicity”.
The Color Morale’s last Rise Records, uh, record ended their relationship with RR in style, and remains their most solid front-to-back LP, and yes, we listened to Fearless Records’ two follow-ups “Hold On Pain Ends” and “Desolate Divine.” We’re still confused as to why or how this band, the saviors themselves, didn’t blow up to other mega-successful and more inferior Rise Records’ metalcore band’s heights, but sometimes cream doesn’t rise (get it?) to the top, and mirrors become smoke. Maybe the world wasn’t ready for a more high-pitched scream in 2013 like Knocked Loose partook in just three years later on their Pure Noise Records debut “Laugh Tracks,” but we’re not giggling and will die choking on nothing. In closing, Rockford, Illinois needs to be known more for TCM than the Mendelssohn Club and Phantom Regiment.
Crown the Empire’s metalcore meets Panic! at the Disco debut LP “The Fallout” launched the band to underground acclaim and it looked like their sophomore follow-up “The Resistance: The Rise of the Runaways” was going to put the band in Sleeping With Sirens or Pierce the Veil scene territory in terms of domination, but it was a setback asking the question as to whether ambition can occur too soon. Spoiler alert: It can, and it did. While the band’s second record was great in its own right, and we mean that, if the order between albums #2 and #3 were switched, and “Retrograde,” their no filler back to basics LP, was immediately released after “The Fallout” there would be no, err, fallout here amongst the world at large. Plus “Hologram” is the band’s best single across all their five records, and former vocalist/screamer David Escamilla goes down swinging.
If you absolutely love Linkin Park’s first two breakout records but wanted a dash of Midwestern aww shucks Joey Sturgis-esque metalcore added to the mix, then Dangerkids’ debut full-length album “Collapse” and their non-Rise Records follow-up “blacklist_” are for you with or without lowercase fonts and hyphens. Want proof? Dangerkids even reference Linkin in their own songs! Since we’re here to discuss “Collapse” we must say on record that next to the yet-to-be-listed Racquet Club, this LP is the most underrated one on this list. Fun fact that will more than wake you up: DK’s musical svengali/rapper/clean vocalist Tyler Smyth is one of the biggest producers in rock now, working behind the boards for Falling In Reverse, I Prevail, blessthefall, and cursethewinter, and his epic work on this album foreshadowed his success… Countdown for more!
Next to heavy lyrically dense screaming and singing peers Underoath, Dayton, Ohio’s Christian metalcore stars known as The Devil Wears Prada had the second strongest hold on the Jesus blegh scene in the late aughts-early 2010s. However, “Transit Blues” is by far their most slept on release, and the band with the crappiest name next to The The’s prior LPs and EPs are shown so much more love than their sixth LP/last for RR, and even their two follow-ups “The Act” and “Color Decay” succeed in getting the band more praise (poison). TDWP showcased a machine gun amount of raw energy from the first seconds of “Transit Blues” until its end, and sometimes acts that attempt this approach sound way too processed, but not in this case! Overproduced? Maybe, but it doesn’t sound like such and the drumstick opening absolutely kills, and is quite unique for this world.
Galactic Empire’s debut full-length self-titled LP is essentially authentic metal covers of Star Wars tunes executed to perfection for fans of both Comic-Con and Periphery alike, and we aren’t taking any further questions on the matter, no matter how many times you ask us to. Sadly, the band doesn’t gig that often anymore in 2023, but if you ever have the chance to see Galactic Empire, stop whatcha doin’ cause they’re about to ruin the image and the style that ya used to with authentic AF costumes and a killer set that a true brainwashed Stormtrooper could never ever do. Once you’re through with their Star Wars catalog, check out the band’s two new Pure Noise Records released themes for “Indiana Jones” and “Jurassic Park” released this past summer. We’d love to see the live costume changes for these two versions!
Rumor has it that Goldfinger’s frontman, and producer for no bands that you like because you’re so hip, John Feldmann’s favorite GF album is this one, “The Knife,” the band’s lucky #7 album altogether, and their lone release for Rise Records. If you thought that ska-punk died last century, you might have been right until 2017, so think again, as these tunes will literally cut you with all utensils, and force your feet at knife-point to dance and body to skank unctrollably. Who’s laughing now? Not us! Also, “The Knife” has more features than you can count from exclusively numbered acts like 311, Twenty One Pilots, blink-182, and 112, proving that a multi-person hip-hop outlook can work in rock. Thankfully the band released a follow-up to this on their own label Big Noise, “Never Look Back,” and said LP deserves your affection as well!
Canberra, Australia’s Hands Like Houses is way bigger down UNDA than stateside, and has the fantastic cover of Australian gods’ Silverchair’s “Ana’s Song (Open Fire)” on a covers compilation called “Spawn (Again): A Tribute To Silverchair” via Aussie powerhouse label UNFD to show for it. The band sadly is more of a support slot here in the States, and their timeless second LP “Unimagine” forever questions said status, even ten years after its initial release. The band even released a five-song EP called “reimagine” which takes five tracks from “Unimagine” and epically reinterprets them. The band honestly has few parallels from the 2010s that handle grit/saccharine so well, and most others lie in the oceandust. If you’re in the mood to go WTF, watch the music video for “A Tale Of Outer Suburbia” this very moment.
Like we mentioned before in the section on Dangerkids, Racquet Club is easily and without question the most underrated band on this list. What we failed to speak about is that the band is also by far the most misspelled unit as well by much more than four minute miles. Featuring members of punk rock credibility approved acts The Jealous Sound, Knapsack, Samiam, and Joan Osborne, the band released a ten-track self-titled record and broke up not too long after. Pity as this one would please both ’90s post-hardcore heads and new kids just learning about the undefinable genre and letting beauty find them. We’re not sure how this one fell through the cracks, but it could be image and age-based, which sucks A LOT on any musical battlefield. Currently the band has less than two thousand monthly listeners on Spotify so it’s on you to change that!
Sevendust, a heavy band’s band of choice, released fourteen albums thus far, and we look forward to fourteen more/then some! Their twelfth full-length, and first for Rise Records, “All I See Is War,” likely fell under your radar, so we forgive you, but not really. This LP works as a solid restart for both old-head Sevendust neckbeard fans and a great intro to yet-to-be converted ones with peach fuzz. Producer Michael “Elvis” Baskette, who also worked on classic Chevelle, Falling In Reverse, Alter Bridge, and Nina Simone records, captured the band brilliantly and gave each instrument time to shine in both the background and foreground, which is difficult to do for any band, much less an aggressive one like Sevendust. The band and label agreed as Baskette produced the next two LPs “Blood & Stone” and “Truth Killer”.
It is a somber reminder that before the feast, there must be a sacrifice. Tonight, we must forego seeing Linda Carter spin around a bunch. Tonight there will be no Bill Bixby transforming into green Lou Ferrigno. But fear not humble viewer, for your sacrifice will be rewarded eternally.
Many younglings are perplexed by the special’s opening sequence, specifically as to why Han Solo’s lines are delivered so woodenly when he and Chewbacca are in such a high stakes dangerous situation. What St.Han is showing us is that sometimes we all have contractual obligations, and you don’t always need to do a good job, or mentally be there at all, but you do need to fulfill them.
Three Wookiees stranded together in a high-rise tree house, furnished late ‘70s modern with some space stuff sprinkled throughout. They moan at each other indecently. Do they know one another? It isn’t clear, because there are no subtitles. What is clear is that the creatures seem to be driving each other insane, and you the viewer with them. The sequence goes on just long enough to bring you into a mild hallucinatory state, and you are now ready for all the holy truths this special has to offer.
Lumpy activates a familiar holographic chess board, but instead of alien chess pieces, we see a projection of the dark lord himself, splendid and triumphant! After some celebratory acrobatics, he escapes his hologram prison and appears full-size at Lumpy’s side, where he commands his hologram minions to dance for the child’s amusement. Then Satan rejoins his dark troupe and they all raise their arms to the heavens. They don’t say it, but the message is clear: “The old Gods are dead! Long live life!”
It is unclear if the cover-all homunculus was created because actor Mark Hamill was unavailable, or if the Lucas Arts team simply wanted to show off their mastery of the arcane. What is clear is that the thing portraying Luke Skywalker is not fully human, and has no real idea what the hell is going on. Still, he tries his best, as we all must.
Fun fact, this scene is actually where we get the phrase “By the buxomness of Harvey Korman.”
Who the hell needs Santa when you’ve got jolly old Art Carney bringing gifts and joy to all the good Wookiee families? To Lumpy, Chewbacca’s precocious son, he gives a word processor of some kind. To Mala, Chewbacca’s wife, he gives a kitchen appliance… in exchange for a kiss of course! And to Itchy, Chewbacca’s elderly Wookiee father, he gives a new pornographic disc for his mind eraser machine. Remember, this was decades before the prevalence of brainwash fetish porn, that’s how prescient this special was.
Yes, the watching of the pornography with Itchy is one of the more curious stations of Life Day. The nature of the content was heavily alluded to by Carney, and a lesser special would have just left the bit there and moved on, but no, we stay with Itchy. We are with him as he lustily and frantically rewinds Diahann Carroll saying “I find you adorable” again and again. The revelation that elderly Wookiees are aroused by human women is unnerving to some, but it’s important to remember there is no kink shaming on Life Day.
Yes, the elderly Wookiee watching human pornography sequence goes on for an uncomfortable amount of time. Diahann Carroll is now escalated to telling Itchy “I am your pleasure,” erasing any plausible hope that Itchy is watching this material for any reason besides sexual gratification. Seems like a real, real weird move for a children’s television special, but that just proves that it isn’t a children’s television special, it’s a bold new religion.
In ancient times, temple maidens would sit in chambers filled with natural gas, producing a hallucinatory state in which they could commune with the Gods and bring their wisdom to us. It is their legacy Carrie Fisher holds inside herself as she stumbles out of a chair coked and pilled up to the gills and says “Itchy, Mala, how aaaaaarrreee you?!” Far from being reckless or unprofessional, Fisher has embarked on a hallucinatory odyssey to the world within, where she will glean great wisdom to share with us all.
Since the only existing records of The Star Wars Holiday Special are home-recorded VHS copies, we get all the commercials, and some of them have found their way into the sacred canon. In this one, we are reminded of the importance of only purchasing ladies’ garments bearing the seal of the Ladies Garment Workers Union, lest we normalize the inferior quality of foreign-made clothing. The song that follows has become one of Life Day’s most iconic hymnals and remained just as relevant as it was when it aired until 1994. The union disbanded in 1995.
In the “Star Wars” film, the empire could fairly be described as space Nazis, but in this special, (again, presumably made for young children,) they are way more Nazi than space. Straight up, they are the S.S. They are menacing, they are sinister, they are wearing Star Wars costumes but acting as if they’re in “Where Eagles Dare.” This station of the Life Day reminds us all that if your actors haven’t seen the source material, give them better notes than just “Space Nazi.”
Hands down the greatest performance of the greatest song by the greatest iteration of this band, and if you disagree you are a blasphemer!
During the raid of their home, Lumpy finds solace in a cartoon. Curiously, the cartoon characters are his dad Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker, and several other of the rebels the empire is currently looking for. So, like, what is this? How does this exist? Is this supposed to be like… did all that happen? It’s confusing, and so is life sometimes, another important lesson.
That’s right, the Star Wars Holiday Special cartoon segment marks the first canonical appearance of Boba Fett! In it, our heroes meet Boba for the first time, and he pretends to be a good guy, but all is not what it seems, just like in life. Life Day.
BOSS pedals are always there when you need them. And you currently need a reverb to hide your lack of digital dexterity. With 12 reverb algorithms, you’ll easily obscure the fact that you can’t press down on all 6 strings at once. Quit spending time practicing and hurting those fingers; start tweaking knobs and posting Instagram reels of you playing 2 notes with a fuckton of reverb.
While BOSS pedals are dependable, they aren’t necessarily the coolest kids on the block. Neither are you and your lack of barre chords. Enter Earthquaker devices- a popular yet boutique-ish pedal company. The smooth plate decay will let your notes sound huge; the opposite of your apparently tiny, Trumpian hands. You must have the smallest hands of anyone who has ever tried to play guitar. But that won’t stop you from impressing your crush by entering the big end-of-year talent show.
When you’re ready to play in front of others, only the highest sonic fidelity will do; enter Universal Audio. The Heavenly Plate’s ringing trails will help calm your nerves as your minuscule fingers fumble around the fretboard while your crush sits in the front row of the talent show. Oh no, you absolutely biffed it on an F-major barre! Turns out not even the highest quality engineer can save that god-awful sound. A baby started crying after the screeching feedback started. Ouch.
Your rival closed out the talent show with an epic set of shredding, singing, and pyro. To top it all off, they used the Strymon Cloudburst which gave their perfectly executed barre chords a heavenly shimmer. After the show your rival hooked up with your crush in a night of multiple orgasms for the both of them; your only option is to go home and masturbate pathetically with your tiny, cursed hands.
Upon waking up the next morning from your evening of friction-filled anger wanking, you realize you are still light years away from decent tone. It’s time to look for something a bit more esoteric- why not try the SONICAKE Levitate pedal? Investigate its dark arts while you curse your bloodline for giving you such inept, petite hand genetics. Curse, curse them.
All the previous pedals were nice enough, but clearly your situation requires something stronger. Enter the Walrus Audio Slöer. Its emphasis on ambience will leave you intoxicated with tone. So intoxicated, in fact, that you start to Google “hand enlargement surgery” and find a doctor in Tijuana who will help you out on the cheap. Flight prices aren’t bad, as long as you don’t mind a layover or two.
The Recovery Moonstruck fits a real spring reverb into an average effect pedal size. This will be useful as you embark on your 2 day, 5 layover journey to Tijuana. Find a solid power outlet in the Dallas Love Field, plug in your pedalboard and pocket amp, and enjoy true analog reverb before making the worst decision of your life.
Welcome to Mexico! I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that last night you scored a sweet deal on the Meris Effects MercuryX, one of the deepest reverb devices ever made. The bad news is it’s a counterfeit, you’re seconds away from hand enlargement surgery, and this ramshackle “surgery center” ran out of anesthesia and painkillers. Good luck, hoss.
Thankfully, you blacked out during your experimental surgery. Unfortunately, it was only for the last five minutes. That means you endured about three and a half hours of unsterilized, improvised surgery by a mysterious surgeon named Dr. Sven. You were smart enough to leave the Voice Memo app recording the whole process; now you can run your screams through some effects like the EH Oceans 3-Verb for drenched tones on a budget. The sounds of your agony will definitely go viral on TikTok. But one step at a time: let’s get your hands out of these bandages.
Upon removing the bandages, you gaze upon the beautiful Butterball turkeys that are your new hands. These boulders could crush a skull, let alone master barre chords effortlessly. Sure your fingers are currently numb and immobile, but you can still use Siri to order a reverb pedal to wait for you at home. Consider the Catalinbread CBX for iconic ’80s gated reverb sounds.
Flying back home was tougher than you imagined; your numb fingers could barely swipe through Apple Wallet to produce flight tickets. It’s been a few days now, and these digits are barely functional. A sickening feeling takes hold as you hope beyond all hope that you didn’t royally fuck up what little guitar prospects you had in life. The Alabs CETUS Reverb is a full-featured, reasonably priced option for those regretting past decisions.
The day has come; it’s time to try your guitar. It feels awkward and unwieldy in your fucked up Frankenstein hands. Not only do you fail at barre chords, you can’t even muster the “Seven Nation Army” riff anymore. Your playing is fucked. You can’t do shit musically. While running your ol’ trusty axe through the Maneco Labs 4AD produces some nice echoes for your guitar amp’s feedback, you have no interest in becoming a noise musician. Everything is fucked.
It’s hopeless. What were once perfectly fine, somewhat dainty hands are now hideous abominations of Man’s hubris. You could have learned barre chords if you just stuck with it. You could have practiced then run sick lead lines through the Pigtronix Cosmosis reverb featuring morphing technology. Unfortunately, the pedal’s morphing only reminds you of the shortcut of trying to morph your hands into something they were not. Time to sell your guitar on Craigslist.
The news shoved a knife through your heart— your rival won the Powerball while you were in Mexico. And even worse, your rival and crush are pregnant together. The cherry on top is that they are naming the baby after you ironically. To add salt to the wound, a package showed up mere minutes after selling your guitar: it’s the M-VAVE Mini Universe reverb pedal you forgot you purchased from AliExpress. You have nothing to plug it into. Reviews say it sounds quite good, but you don’t care and throw it in the trash.
You’ve ruined your life. You have no lover, you can’t play guitar anymore, and somehow you have the cartel after you. After spending days motionless on the couch binging YouTube videos, you have a realization. You can still make music! You don’t need manual dexterity or skill- you can simply get a bass. In time, you’ll be able to manage fretting one note on those big, oafish strings. Check out the Hologram Electronics Chroma Console pedal. It’s the pastel-colored hipster favorite multi-effect making the rounds with YouTube influencers. The reverb is to die for, let alone the other features like fuzz and modulation. This whole experience taught you a valuable lesson. Music isn’t about art or connecting with other people- music is just another way for capitalism to infect your brain with an incessant need to keep buying shit you don’t need to fill a void that follows you every waking moment of your life.