Minor Threat remains the gold standard in hardcore even though they broke up 40 years ago. Some might say ranking their songs are a waste of time, that this is a pointless exercise, that we should “get a fucking life,” and guess what? We agree with you, but that’s not going to stop us. So put on your favorite beanie, grab your reading spectacles, and dig into our official rankings.
(Note: This list is based off of Minor Threat’s “Complete Discography,” and yes we know of the unreleased live song, but that’s not on the list. Also, we’re only counting “Out of Step” once. If you got a problem with that then go take your heart medication and calm yourself down.)
25. “Good Guys (Don’t Wear White)”
This should be no surprise. It’s dead last because it’s a cover song, it’s a stylistic departure, and the band that recorded the original, The Standells, also wrote that “Dirty Water” song which is annoying as hell to anyone from Massachusetts.
23. “12XU”
This is a cover of a song by Wire, and it has all the trademark Minor Threat aggressiveness, it’s just too bad the original song is complete shit. It sounds like a song that someone would play in American Apparel back in like 2006 and then if you asked for help finding something in a medium they would scoff and go make fun of you in the back room.
23. “Stepping Stone”
Look at that, another cover. This was originally recorded by Paul Revere and the Raiders. In case you forgot, Minor Threat were teenagers when they wrote most of their music, and teenagers like to cover songs. Teenagers also like to make fun of me when I go to the mall by myself to relax. Sorry if I find the atmosphere soothing you pricks. Anyway, this is easily the best cover they did, but come on, you can’t rank a cover song high up on the list.
22. “Cashing In”
This is another stylistic departure. Lyrically it’s as close to “funny” as Minor Threat will ever get. There is even one spot where they state that charging $4 for a show is ripping someone off. You hear that Taylor Swift? Anything more than $4 for a live performance is price gouging.
21. “Stumped”
“Stumped” was released two years after Minor Threat broke up, and it has hints of the direction Ian MacKaye was going to head musically, it’s like proto-Fugazi. But the fact of the matter is if I wanted to listen to Fugazi then I would go listen to Fugazi.
20. “Small Man Big Mouth”
We all know the short dudes with bad ‘tudes. The guys who are 5’4″ and decide they need to start lifting weights so they end up looking like a bowling ball. Then they buy a lifted truck where they need a little step ladder in order to get in. Yeah, these guys suck, but I want a little more lyrically from Minor Threat,
19. “Stand Up”
This is by no means a bad song, but it’s average in the world of Minor Threat. The lyrics are fun though, basically Ian is saying “fuck with me and I got an entire crew that’s going to light you up.” I could picture Ian as a Krang-type figure, he crawls into the stomach of a much bigger dude and controls him while he fights a gang of ninja turtles that go cause trouble at shows.
18. “Guilty of Being White”
The fact this song hasn’t been completely co-opted by the right is a modern miracle. Don’t play this song for anyone that says “White men are actually the most persecuted people in society right now” because then the chorus will become the soundtrack of their life.
17. “I Don’t Wanna Hear It”
I could spend this entry saying “Don’t like where this song is listed? Well, I don’t wanna hear it.” But I’m not going to sink that low. That level of hack writing should be left for clickbait content farms, and that is definitely not what we are going for with this sort of article. Got it?
16. “It Follows”
If your band wrote this song it would be the one you close out every set with. The crowd would love it and you would be hailed as geniuses, unfortunately it was written by Minor Threat and they have so many other songs that are somehow even better that it gets ranked this low.
15. “Sob Story”
Play this song for that entitled person in your life that thinks the world owes them something. You know the type. They have no talent, no drive, they refuse to learn anything new, but they still feel like it’s outside forces holding them back. Fuck those people. Anyway, this song comes in at 15.
14. “Minor Threat”
This song really encapsulates teenage angst without it being about lost love or overbearing parents like so many hacky pop punk bands over the years. It’s about having to grow up despite still feeling like a kid, something I’m sure we can all relate to. I play this song for the employees at Chuck E. Cheese every time they kick me out because I’m there alone, I just wanted to play the pop-a-shot hoop game.
13. “Think Again”
We a firmly in the territory where you could scramble the next few songs and nobody would actually be like “Wait, you put “Think Again” at 13? Your entire family should be murdered in front of you. What a fucking moron.” Great bass work on this song.
12. “Little Friend”
The first minute of this song is pretty average, in fact if the song stayed at that pace it would be ranked a lot lower. But then Minor Threat slows it down a bit and welcomes you to sing along with every word. Tough to say who the titular “little friend” actually is, so we are going to assume it was some sort of gecko or something.
11. “No Reason”
The singalong part in this song was probably really fun to see live. Go find a 55-year-old right now and ask them if they ever saw Minor Threat live, if they haven’t then call them a loser and shove them down a flight of stairs. Great song, but just outside the top 10.
10. “Bottled Violence”
Top 10 baby here we go. If that glass-breaking sound effect doesn’t get your blood pumping than see a doctor immediately. This 53 seconds of pure aggression. Put this song on next time you get in a bar brawl and then throw yourself through the plate glass window out front.
9. “Betray”
Imagine you were a Minor Threat fan back in the ’80s and you put on “Out of Step” on your turntable, as soon as you hear the song kick in you know you are about to tear your parents’ rumpus room to shreds. That’s why Dad should let you have a record player in your bedroom.
8. “Look Back and Laugh”
411 Video Magazine used this song for a Tum Yeto Canada Road Trip and if you’re a skateboarder of a certain age you know exactly how this song makes you feel. And it clocks in at over three minutes in length, basically Minor Threat’s version of “Dopesmoker.”
7. “Seeing Red”
This song is just over a minute long but it takes you on a wild, pissed-off ride the entire time. This is a fun one to slip onto the playlist at kid’s birthday party. The song is short so by the time someone says “What the hell is this music?” it will basically be over and the kids will be exposed to something cool for once.
6. “Screaming At a Wall”
Musically and lyrically Minor Threat is still developing, but “Screaming At a Wall” really shows everything they are capable of, and it’s one of the only Minor Threat songs that isn’t a band name at this point.
5. “Salad Days”
This is more or less Minor Threat’s swan song and you can tell because they utilize a bell. That’s right, a fucking bell. Any song with a bell is instantly better. Go ahead and listen to “Disarm” by The Smashing Pumpkins and tell me I’m wrong.
4. “Filler”
This opening guitar ring out has been ripped off, copied, or inspired so many other hardcore bands it’s tough to count. There was a recent National Highway Traffic Safety Administration report that said 99.99% of car accidents are caused by people losing their fucking minds with excitement as soon as they hear this song which causes them to ignore red lights, stomp on the gas, or just jerk the wheel around like a fucking maniac.
3. “Straight Edge”
The song that was never meant to start a movement. It holds a special place in the hearts of every straight edge person, and strikes dread in the people that used to be straight edge as they listen and think “I used to stand for something, I haven’t laughed at the thought of eating ludes since my first week of college.”
2. “Out of Step”
This biggest knock against this song is the “don’t fuck” line. If you are straight edge then you have had some bozo ask “oh, so are you waiting for marriage to have sex?” I went back and listened to this song at least three times and I must have missed the line about “saving your purity for your spouse” anywhere. Get the hell out of here. Most straight edge people don’t fuck simply because nobody wants to hang out with them. (Both versions of the song are great, the second version is just slightly better. And the Cynthia Connolly designed sheep is legendary.)
1. “In My Eyes”
I mean come on. This song right here has it all. Slow parts, mosh parts, recognizable lyrics, and a message that all straight edge people hang on to like that little goblin holds onto the shiny round thing in “Lord of the Rings.” Try not to lose your fucking mind if a band covers this song at a show, you can’t. You have to go completely nuts. Those are the rules.