SEDONA, Ariz. — Local man Shelly Peabody informed his friends in The Tent Pole Pedestal that not only would he not be able to attend their show physically, he would also be missing the show spiritually, disappointed sources confirmed.
“I’m sorry, but for my own mental health I really need to sit this one out on all levels,” said Peabody while relaxing at home. “Normally, I would promise to make it in spirit and ask them to play extra hard for me, but I simply cannot send my spirit to a show on a Tuesday night with six opening bands. I’ve done a lot of spiritual healing in recent years, and my shaman would be furious if I subjected myself to such a soul-sucking experience. Quite frankly, their cover of ‘Wish You Were Here’ nearly broke my spirit last time.”
Members of The Tent Pole Pedestal were disappointed to hear this as they have come to embrace their spectral fan base, who they have dubbed their, “purgatory posse.”
“It’s sad because honestly, we have been really successful with the spirit demographic. We only sold four physical tickets, but we had at least 75 friends there in spirit, so it was basically a packed house,” said singer/synth player Coster Fromm. “It makes us play harder knowing our friends are sending a part of themselves that is so important to the human condition. Sure, people’s spirits don’t buy a ton of drinks, or pay admission, but I know of a lot of seances that would love to have our attendance.”
Shaman Denise Cravien, an expert on out-of-body experiences, alchemy, and Reba, warned against the practice of sending one’s spirit, to local “friend rock” shows you don’t want to attend yourself.
“Astral projection is a sacred art of the ancient mystics that should be used for enlightenment, and transcendence. You don’t just do it to make your friends feel better about themselves. If you have a buddy that’s starting a noise project you need to be upfront and tell them the truth and stop stringing them along,” said Cravien. “The astral plane is not there for you to avoid enduring an 8-minute fretless bass solo.”
At press time, Peabody reportedly underwent complete transformative plastic surgery and moved to Europe in order to dodge his promise of “definitely being at the next show.”