Before you scabs post something derivative on your social media pages with a four person outreach, just know this: Hawthorne Heights are bigger than all of your stupid, stupid bands combined, and “Saying Sorry” is catchier than any song you have ever, ever written. Dayton, Ohio’s pride and joy yelling/humming/growling/falsetto band Hawthorne Heights formed as a classic Beatles song in 2001, renamed themselves, and twenty-two years later have their own multi-state festival wherein they selflessly let other larger bands headline, seven original studio albums not including acoustic albums covering/modifying their own material, several EPs/compilations/B-sides, and various receipts showcasing that they saved a bundle on insurance by switching to Geico. As always, we expect you to ask something epically brilliant and original like, “They have more than one album/song?” but y’all should put the silence in black and white!
7. Zero (2013)
More ambitious than the literal derivative of zero? Still, one record had to be listed at the dreaded number seven slot here, and said numbered record named after a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt takes the poorly cooked, yet surprisingly nutrient dense, low calorie, vegan, cake. But hollow hawthorne heart heights unite, this record isn’t bad per se, it’s just inconsistent, and maybe would’ve worked better as an EP called “ZE,” “RO,” or “Zero-Sum Game of Thrones.” The then-five piece bared their metaphorical souls with Grammy-nominated (not for this album) producer Brian Virtue, who also sat behind the boards for your favorite bands Chevrolet Chevelle and Jared “My So-Called Requiem For A Joker’s Dream Buyers Club” Leto’s popular U2 cover band.
Play it again: “Memories of Misery”
Skip it: “Strangers”
6. The Rain Just Follows Me (2021)
Like their former Victory Records labelmates, and we’re not going to make any Tony Brummel lawsuit low hanging fruit jokes here, Silverstein did with their more than solid tenth LP “A Beautiful Place to Drown,” Hawthorne Heights’ most recent Pure Noise Records studio album “The Rain Just Follows Me” looks like a hip-hop record from afar because of its various features which include prolific vocalists from Yellowcard, Counterparts, and Bayside. Also, its title is emo as fuck, and we are still crying about it every hour on the hour after reading it two years ago. Anyway, while this album shines much brighter than “Zero” despite its dull headlights, the following five just flow better.
Play it again: “Spray Paint It Black,” a non-Rolling Stones original HH tune featuring Anthony Raneri of Bayside
Skip it: “Words Can’t Hurt”
5. Fragile Future (2008)
3-2-1 and four become one: This particular ranking position for 2008’s “Fragile Future” may surprise you, but the fact that this LP, the band’s final effort for the aforementioned Winning Albums Chi-Town Conglomerate, is their first full-length without the band’s late guitarist/screamer Casey Calvert. Basically, you should let go of everything you know, and revisit all twelve tracks right now. Overall, it’s hard to talk smack on this non-disaster of record, even if your story and/or narrative changes on its impact, so we won’t, and we want to further highlight our opinion that it is much better than you think it is. Thus, we’re battered and broken, these words are and were spoken in despair, and it will be the only ranking without a “skip it” section… That’s all we have to say about that!
Play it again: “Until the Judgment Day”
Skip it: Pass
4. Bad Frequencies (2018)
It’s been so long, it’s been so long: 2018’s “Bad Frequencies” is the Hawthorne Heights record with the longest gap between said band’s releases, as its predecessor full-length was released in 2013, and it shows in its songs in the best possible way. Basically, this is the group’s finest/utterly return to form album to be released after 2010, and was actually recorded in the band’s home state of Ohio, in the litterbox cornfield fuckeye town that surprisingly had a BD’s Mongolian Grill known as Columbus; go blue. Fun! Although it is not technically an original music studio album, as it has reworked songs and various covers of songs from such bands as Weezer and Bush, and even renditions of solo small-time acts Billie Eilish and Kacey Musgraves, 2019’s follow-up release “Lost Frequencies” deserves some love as well, especially for old school hardcore HH fans.
Play it again: “Pink Hearts”
Skip it: “Straight Down the Line”
3. Skeletons (2010)
Speaking of hardcore, ardent Hawthorne Heights fans likely know about the gospel of “Skeletons,” and/or believe this already, but here is our HHo(hio)t take: This album would’ve been listed at number two or, gasp, even number one here if it had two or three less songs. 2010’s “Skeletons” is likely an album you slept on like, uh, a skeleton, but it is easily the band’s most lush and musically dense record. The band released this LP, which was their fourth, on Wind-Up Records, and such label apparently went on a scene binge around this time, picking up bands like Hawthorne Heights, the aforementioned Bayside, and catchy catchy catchy Cartel, perhaps in an attempt to overcome hearing the word “creed” ad Nauseum. Whatever the label’s motivations for signing HH, we wish that “Skeletons” had a larger audience, raised the band’s stock, and became your gateway gateway drug.
Play it again: “Abandoned Driveways”
Skip it: “Hollywood & Vine”
2. The Silence in Black and White (2004)
Wake up call without a true need to screen-write an apology: This album is truly great and all, but it isn’t the band’s best. Agree? Probably not, but you’re always wrong, so please be kind to us for that opinion as our sad little Hawthorne hearts can’t take any meanness from thou or anyone else in Idaho. Seriously. We can’t and won’t! Anyway, Hawthorne Heights’ calling card single “Ohio Is for Lovers,” which isn’t called “My Heart Is In Ohio” or “My Heart Will Go On,” is easily one of the biggest/best songs in its genre, which may be called many different things depending on the listener, the age of said listener, and where the listener was at at the time. Yeah. In closing, as evidenced by our handy dandy, objectively sound, and never incorrect “Play it again” section, “Niki Fm” freaking rips too. Cut. To. Black.
Play it again: “Niki FM”
Skip it: 2nd pass
1. If Only You Were Lonely (2006)
Bigger. Better. Bendeth. Bodacious. The band and its then-label may have pissed Ne-Yo off with “If Only You Were Lonely,” and how things went down during its release week, but after a long discussion with the popular singer, wherein he kept saying, “Go on girl,” Ne-Yo conceded that HH should’ve debuted at number one on the Billboard charts for this studio album, their sophomore LP. Ne-Yo then said that he’s sorry, and he didn’t want to see the band cry anymore. The band subsequently stopped. Anyway, if you were lucky enough to catch Hawthorne Heights’ 2006 tour with October Fall (or The Hush Sound depending upon the date), From First To Last, The All-American Rejects, and Fall Out Boy on the larger than you think run for this one, you caught a show that some people here would’ve loved to see, despite their cred or lack thereof.
Play it again: “This Is Who We Are”
Skip it: 3rd pass
The Baltimore kicker is the all-time best to ever do it. If a hungry horse came at Tucker he could just swing that foot and basically make the horse explode on impact. Let this be a warning to all horses, stay away from Justin Tucker or your guts will be booted halfway to Atlanta.
Folk has been around the game for a long time. His skills might be declining on the field, but he’s a crafty veteran who can use his football knowledge to avoid most horse-relate injuries. Whether it’s keeping the horse at bay with a pitchfork, or simply grabbing a salt lick. Folk is a safe bet.
Another veteran of the sport. Greg “The Leg” originally got his nickname after he booted a football 65 yards and knocked out a horse that was attacking a small child. Horses around the world know it’s best not to test him.
In 2019 while Koo was a kicker for the Atlanta Legends in the AAF he was attacked by a horse in the middle of a game. Thankfully freelance horse wranglers were in attendance and saved Koo from severe injury, but since then he’s been trained in horse-specific self-defense.
The Bengals kicker is one of the few NFL players that has openly admitted to beating the crap out of multiple horses, offering no explanation outside of “I just like doing it.” His aggressiveness towards the majestic beasts makes him a safe bet to make it through the season without being eaten by a horse.
Another veteran with lots of experience avoiding horse attacks. Gano has a special clause in his contract that assures any team he plays for provides three sharpshooters trained to take down any horses that come within 100 feet of him.
The defending Super Bowl champs don’t have much to worry about. Butker is not only an excellent kicker but is also a certified Horse Whisperer. It is rumored he is so good at the practice that he convinced a young Appaloosa to rob a 711.
Santos is the only player in the NFL legally allowed to carry a gun on him at all times. If the Bears win the Super Bowl (They won’t) he will be strapped while meeting President Biden. Nobody knows why he carries the gun, but horses better take heed.
Playing in Miami has certain advantages, one of those is easy access to all sorts of cocaine. Sanders knows this, horses know this, and that means all animals are more likely to want to party with him. There is an unwritten rule in the animal kingdom that states “You never eat your cocaine supplier.”
If the Raiders still played in Oakland there is an 85% chance Carlson would be attacked by multiple horses over the course of the season. The amount of players the Raiders lost to horse attacks was one of the key reasons they moved. He is much safer in Vegas where horses are too busy gambling.
The Jaguars facility is famous for having multiple actual jaguars roam their facility. The apex predators scare away nearly all horses and other livestock but are known to attack players during warm-ups.
Bass is relatively safe from horses thanks to the wild antics of tailgating Bills fans. Most animals with any concept of logic avoid the Highmark Stadium parking lot at all costs because it is where humanity shows just how low it can sink.
When the Eagles beat the Patriots in Super Bowl LII fans took to the streets of Philadelphia and proudly started eating horse shit. This actually built up a good amount of goodwill with local horses and anyone associated with the Eagles franchise.
Horses can no longer afford to live in the Bay Area, the few horses that remain are busy working 3 jobs in order to stay afloat and have very little time to attack kickers. Especially since the stadium moved all the way to Santa Clara.
Most horses root for America’s team. It’s tough to say why since the team has been disappointing for over 25 years. But they remain loyal and chances are the Cowboys’ rookie kicker won’t be dismembered by a group of Clydesdales.
McLaughlin has had to apologize for tweets he made in high school where he called horses “The most worthless farm animals” and “Too stupid to ever eat me.” It’s tough to say whether his apology worked or not, time will tell.
Starting out pretty obvious here. Mr. MacKaye may be pretty good with money, which is why we know he would absolutely burn this motherfucker down for the insurance payout within the first five minutes.
The Businessman is top-heavy and one spin is enough to send him through three different sets of walls. Besides, it’s a pain in the ass to plié with Doc Martens on.
We’re not even sure that Mr. MacKaye knows what a cow is, let alone him being able to wrangle and milk like eight thousand of them all the time. Not to mention tractors are harder than tour vans to keep up and running regularly.
Mr. MacKaye has hated alcohol since he was a teenager. Assuming he’s even aware of how combustible grain alcohol is, then there’s no chance this business isn’t immediately going up in flames.
Generally, gun people love to give long, stupid speeches about their beliefs, but aren’t necessarily fans of having speeches pointed back at them. That’s where we feel like Mr. MacKaye is going to alienate a lot of his potential clientele. Maybe he’d do better with bow and arrow? Let’s find out somewhere in the mid-30s on this list.
The Businessman would abandon this business purely from lack of interest. Also, when he first went in he thought it meant amp cabinets and he just never got over that.
The bullshit factor at one of these “publish or perish” paper factories is so high that Mr. MacKaye would put his head through the office’s plate glass window rather than re-edit the second proof of the “Journal of Nonsense To Be Debunked Six Months From Now.”
Even when Mr. MacKaye had hair, it was never his main priority. Unless this place caters exclusively to skinheads and stepfathers who watch too many movies about Navy SEALS then the business is going under in less time than it takes to buzz a scalp. Also, we’re pretty sure Barbicide has alcohol in it, which certainly won’t help.
What? Did The Businessman suddenly become a talented yet unfulfilled white woman looking to be blindsided by love in an early 2000s rom-com? Actually, don’t think too hard about that one. Anyways, we stand by this ranking.
At least with this one Mr. MacKaye had the foresight to gaze into the crystal ball to see that no matter how hard he tries this place is going under before he ever has to restock the novelty rabbit hats.
What are the logistics of managing a small, organic, farm to table style trout hatchery? How the hell should we know? Is that even actually a thing? Regardless, Mr. MacKaye is gonna be in hot water attempting to run this small business – and hot water will also likely be the reason all of his fish die.
This place would only sell eco-friendly compact cars that burn old banana peels for fuel and fifteen-passenger tour vans that also only burn banana peels for fuel.
Mr. MacKaye probably isn’t the biggest fan of bowhunting, but he is certainly in favor of self-defense in the scene. Still, if he ran this one we would anticipate a sharp uptick in random arrow wounds being reported in the D.C. metropolitan area.
Here’s a little-known fact: Mr. MacKaye is legally banned from every Sunoco in the contiguous United States. No member of the public knows why, and it’s literally the only thing he refuses to talk about in interviews, but according to a trusted source who requested to remain anonymous (fuck it, it was Guy Picciotto) his ass treated the tile in the restroom at the Marietta location like a power washer trying to get gum off a sidewalk, and apparently management has never forgiven him.
This is like two steps outside of cop, so we know The Businessman’s not enthusiastic going in. He’ll certainly give it his best as a professional, but there’s no way he’s gonna be able to silently sift through a dumpster looking for evidence without causing enough commotion to alert every suspect in the vicinity that they’ve been made.
We can’t really see Mr. MacKaye going into this business with a whole lot of enthusiasm. He’s still a professional and he’ll give it his best, but at the end of the day he would absolutely hate this work – and you can’t serve croquettes that were made with hate.
Doesn’t this just look like fun? All you do all day is drive little toy cars around. Fun! Definitely not Mr. MacKaye’s cup of tea, everyone knows he gave up having fun in 1989.
Giddy up, giddy up, Mr. MacKaye! You’re gonna have to learn how to ride a horse and erect barbed wire fences real goddamn fast if you want half a shot at this business making any money.
Mr. MacKaye definitely gives off strong cat person energy. But regardless, his animal hospital would probably do pretty poorly. Somewhere between all of the complimentary pet care services for “the good of the Doberman scene” and the choice to invest in DIY fish penicillin, we don’t see this business making it more than a year.
Running a churro stand is a surprisingly high-stress venture. You mean to say you want cinnamon AND powdered sugar on the same stick!? Go to hell – you’ve bankrupted The Businessman.
Yeah, maybe he can throw a punch – but you can tell he would definitely apologize to you afterward and that wasted time is really gonna eat into his bottom line on this one.
Is there anything more “local scene” than a band having two names because they were popular as both? This 14-thousand-piece ska band also did the song from “Jabberjaw” on Cartoon Network. They may not have rode the ’90s 3rd wave to mainstream success, but they will always be the reason we now know Alabama isn’t located in the Pacific Northwest.
Despite its name being perfectly suited for ska puns, Alaska is shockingly limited in its ska-lection of ska bands. Fortunately, the Naked Men are here to fill that hole. We bet this band was pissed when they went to name their band and found out “Polar Bear Club” was taken. And they’re not even a ska band! What a waste.
Ska-n-Roll band “2 Tone Lizard Kings” brings a bluesy swing to the typically staccato genre. The music grooves with a sweaty swagger that says, “Ohhh look at me, I live in Arizoooona.” Arizona may be a dry heat but 2 Tone Lizard Kings are sure to bring some wet funk.
Yet another state with a built-in ska pun name and another state that required Googling to find a single ska band. The Fayetteville Ska Alliance is a Christmas-themed ska band and probably an official part of the Arkansas State Guard.
This is quite an honor considering over 90% of ska music originated in California. Reggae too. Little known fact, the upstroke was invented by a high school sophomore in Orange County. But any true ska fan knows that without a doubt.
Everyone’s favorite Christian skankers, “Five Iron Frenzy,” are Colorado’s highest by a mile. Despite their overtly religious lyrics, ska fans of all denominations flock to FIF for their catchy, upbeat melodies. Their music videos make youth group actually look fun. Ya know, if you removed all that God stuff.
For as much punk, hardcore, and easycore that New England produces, ska is slim pickins in Lobsterville. Even the Agonizers avoided having a horn section. It must be the temperature. Ska does not seem to thrive below 70 degrees.
Delaware has a rich history of ska bands and it was really hard to choose just one to represent this ska-te (not a typo, that’s “ska” plus “state”). The Ol’ Dirty Brasstards are… okay, we admit it! We don’t know any ska bands from Delaware! We even resorted to searching “ska + delaware” on bandcamp after Google and Reddit failed us. If you know of a ska band from Delaware, tag them in the comments and tell them they need to be better about their SEO.
Firmly nestled in the base of America’s cock, Gainesville’s “Less Than Jake” is a legendary ska band who needs no introduction. Especially one so crude. They are among many incredible alternative bands from Florida such as Against Me!, A Day To Remember, and Yellowcard, but they stand alone as the kings of Floridska. (
Georgia’s Taj Motel Trio proves that 3rd wave ska doesn’t need to come from New Jersey to sound like Streetlight Manifesto. Kidding of course, Streetlight Manifesto isn’t ska. Or are they? Check out New Jersey to find out.
Black Square is one of the rare Hawaii ska bands to bring their sound to the mainland. While it may seem strange that this genre of island music is underrepresented on a literal island, it’s a clear sign that disgust for ska is consistent across all mainstream cultures. We must stand united!
Marching band horns? Check. Punny name? Check. This band is close enough for ska! Also, why did the ska musician’s mom hate his band? Idaho, AlaSKA!
Between Brendan Kelly and Dan Andriano (and to a lesser extent Peter Anna), Slapstick wound up a bonafide supergroup. They are an incredible addition from the golden era of 3rd wave ska. Though several band members later reported losing interest in the genre, Slapstick truly is the best “ska phase” captured on record.
Indiana’s “Johnny Socko” will have you skanking faster than a car at the Indy 500. Lazy simile aside, it’s true. That’s just all we know about Indiana. They were also on Asian Man records at some point, which has been true about many of these obscure bands from even more obscure states.
Okay, so this isn’t technically a ska band. This is a punk band signed to Alternative Tentacles. But just look at that name! We didn’t even check to see if they were from Iowa. They win this one sight unseen. (
If you thought the sunflower state couldn’t shine any brighter, the Ray-Guns are here (well, were here in 1998) to bring you some of the catchiest ska-punk Kansas has to offer.
Pimpslap blends 3rd wave ska with Cheshire Cat-era Blink 182. “Pimp” was such a go-to funny word in the ’90s and it was used most often when a suburban, upper-middle-class person wanted to be ironic. What a time to be alive.
Leading the New-tone charge, New Orleans’ Bad Operation continues to take the 4th wave in a sincere direction. Unlike many states, Louisiana has produced a solid number of ska bands. Maybe it’s their access to horns. Or the frequency of parades. (
El Grande is just your ol’ fashioned, lobster-catchin’ Maine ska band. Pretty typical of their breed. Little known fact, their band name came from the only two Spanish words that had made their way to Maine by the time the band formed in 2004.
There’s just something special about island music written by people who consider Baltimore an island. The Chesapeake may not be Montego, but The Skunks provide the soundtrack to a perfect evening at Seacrets during Beach Week. I mean, technically SOJA is the perfect band for that kind of night, but they’re less “ska” and more “a band of rich white guys who named their band ‘Soldiers of Jah’s Army.’”