MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Cecil Clarke admitted that the only contribution he made to his upcoming wedding is researching potential honeymoon locations by listening to “Kokomo” once, maybe twice, frustrated sources confirmed.
“Initially I was supposed to take the lead in selecting music for the wedding, but my fiance Annie (Fritz) got upset when I suggested we hire a grind band called Anus Abuse to play classic party songs. So then she suggested I just choose where we go on our honeymoon and now she’s mad claiming I haven’t been taking that role seriously,” said Clarke. “‘Kokomo’ is basically a one-stop shop for travel ideas. But was that the only thing I did to find a honeymoon spot for us? Absolutely not. I listened to The Beach Boys’ entire greatest hits album almost two times to find places to go. It just so happened that all of the best places were in that song.”
The bride-to-be says she is about to reach her breaking point.
“This man has done nothing to make this wedding happen. When I asked what sort of cake he preferred he said he wanted one of those Carvel ice cream cakes. Telling him to choose a honeymoon spot should be easy, just say ‘Italy’ and we are rolling, but instead he gives me a list of real and fictional islands as options,” said the clearly agitated Fritz. “But I went into the conversation with an open mind and, admittedly, the places he started listing sounded great at first. I would love to spend a week in Aruba or Jamaica, who wouldn’t? But as soon as he called me ‘pretty mama’ and listed Key Largo as an option I knew exactly what he was trying to pull.”
Outside of the relationship, those familiar with the song are defending Clarke’s actions.
“Listening to ‘Kokomo’ is actually a really great place to find a honeymoon spot,” said Mike Love, member of the Beach Boys and one of the songwriters behind the track. “The song actually started because a travel magazine asked us to write a list of our favorite beach-side vacation spots. But when we finished ranking them, we realized that the list rhymed so we just turned it into a song. We figured more people would see our list in song form anyways.”
At press time, Fritz and Clarke had reportedly resolved the issue by just booking the cabin upstate that they go to every summer and not talking about it anymore.